abandonment issues

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abandonment issues: we all know them, we all hate them. well, maybe we don’t all know them. but i certainly do. in a heightened way. even with, i’m embarrassed to admit, my assistant…



Jennette McCurdy

Jennette McCurdy  00:00

I’m right in the thick of abandonment issues. And the reason that I’m in my abandonment issues is kind of hilarious. It’s because my assistant quit.


Jennette McCurdy  00:32

So, it happened yesterday, where she was like, hey, can you talk on the phone for a sec? I was in the middle of stuff and I was like, can you can you text or voicemail? And she goes, No, can you call and I was scared. I went in for some health appointments last week, and so I was scared, I got fucked and my like, results come back but like, what’s going on? It’s kind of scared, and I always go, like, I often go to worst case scenarios. I catastrophize so that was happening. I was like, I’m gonna just call and get it over with trying to tell myself I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’s fine. Lo and behold, it wasn’t it was not fine. It in fact, was not fine. What a fucking tumor had been worse. Yeah. My assistant leaving a close second. Yes. I loved she was awesome. She was so responsible. So on top of it, I just felt like I could trust that she was going to handle it, whatever it was, she was going to figure it out, she was going to take care of it in a timely manner. And I envisioned working with her for a long time. Like, I envisioned her role in my life, in my career, rather, changing and us working more together and in other ways, inexpensive ways. And I just felt like she’s so good, like, she’s, I want to find ways of continuing to work with her and build that out. Oh, my God, these fucking planes. I’ve let you guys I’ve literally stopped and recorded this, like, probably 15 times at this point where three and a half minutes and 15 times I’ve stopped because the planes are going around. I don’t know what’s happening. Stop, that literally take, I swear to God, a plane never flies overhead until I start recording the podcast. The moment I start recording the podcast, the automatic fan puking turns on Lord knows why the plane start going over. Lik,e I just want to scream at the sky like, okay, it’s gone. No screaming at the sky necessary. Um, so I thought we were on like a good path. I thought this was good. I thought things were going well, so cut to yesterday. You know, I think that we’re gonna be calling and I don’t know, I’m like goes at health results. What is it? Okay, don’t know, it’s probably not, it’s gonna be fine, and then it is genuinely bad news for me, which is, you know, that she’s that she’s leaving. And I did feel pretty blindsided, you know, I didn’t know that, that she was considering leaving having concerns unhappy. I didn’t know any of this. And I understand why she would be like, it’s not I can’t imagine what she was doing was fun. I can’t imagine like dealing with scheduling plumbers and health appointments and get it like that’s not fun. I agree with her choice to move on. Like she made the right choice, but also, I’m really bummed about it, I thought she was amazing and, and I felt blindsided, and I was realizing how, like, it didn’t feel like this at the time, but after the fact I was realizing how funny it is that I was viewing it like a fucking breakup. Like, she’s nervous, and then I’m nervous, like the second that, you know, she was like until the podcast came out seems great. And then she’s like so and the secretary says, so I know it’s coming. My my ass cheeks clench. I get nervous. I’m like, fuck, she’s quitting. And she starts kind of like stumbling through it, her voice is shaky. And I’m like, I’m trying to make my voice not shaky, and I’m like, I’m look, I’m proud, and I don’t know if I kind of do this. I feel like I don’t know how to do normal job stuff. Like, I don’t know. It’s weird that I’m anybody’s boss. That’s weird. So she’s, she’s like, her voice quivering, and then it’s like my turn to talk. And I’m like, I respect your decision. I completely understood she said that she was like, she goes, oh, you’re the lifestyle of like entertainment industry. It’s too precarious and uncertain. And and you have to make too many sacrifices like I’ve been soul searching and I really want to move on and so she she took a job at a different unrelated in an in a different field. And I’m like it I suddenly become caveman. I’m like, it is my turn to talk. So I’m like, Oh, I respect your decision. Absolutely. I’ve been having the same concerns. Pretty much all my life about whether or not the entertainment industry is a good fit, like I don’t know, what the, I don’t know. But after word I hang up. It’s like a seven minute call. I hang up, and you know, when you’re like in the thick, you’re in the moment of the situation where like the things happening, the breakup, the person leaving their job, the firing of the person, like whatever the stressful thing is, when you’re so in it, you’re just like, in it, that you’re kind of beyond the feelings of it, if that makes sense. That’s how it felt like I was just regulating and just being in the moment to try to get through the moment, and then after you hang up or after the person, you know, leaves your apartment or after, whatever, after the after the like, quote, unquote, serious moment or conversation is over, the stressful conversation is over, then the emotions come flowing in. And that happened for me, where then the emotions hit, and the emotion was sadness. And it’s literally a breakup. I’m going, what could I have done differently? What should I have done? What how could I have? How could I have known? What could I have? Like, what could I have? What could I have controlled? It’s like, it’s, it’s pathetic and hilarious. Oh, my God, and hear if I can come to another plan right on cue. So she quits, I get off the phone. And I’m starting to feel it. I’m feeling like, I’m feeling sadness. I’m feeling loss of control. What could I have done powerlessness? I’m feeling some anger, honestly, which it’s like, that’s, that was the first sign for me that I was like, Oh, this is past stuff coming up, this is not about this situation, because she has been 10 of 10 phenomenal, fantastic, great. In every way. I would not say this if this was not true. I could not say this with a straight face. If this was not true. You’re going amazing. So the fact that I’m like feeling anger at this situation, was really telling to me. And that really, really was communicating to me, okay, this is this is something that’s like, it runs deep. This is something where there’s there’s history where there’s a past.


Jennette McCurdy  07:11

So I couldn’t really get out of it. I kept kind of cycling. And, you know, some of the angry thoughts were like, well, she, she should have given me a bit more of a heads up. She gave me two weeks notice, like, that’s fair, that’s totally fair. Why didn’t she tell me she wasn’t happy when we have our tracking calls? Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she give me a chance? More breakup? Why didn’t she give me a chance? It’s like, oh, my god, you guys. But that’s honest, that’s that’s honestly a thought that I had was like, I would have, you know, I would have worked to give her more opportunities that would have satisfied her more I want I wanted to, I wanted to meet her needs. I want to, I want to keep her happy. Which is also very funny, because there were certainly like when we would do these checking goals every other week to see how things were going. And let me tell you 100% of the time, the calls were me going, how am I doing? It was me asking how am I doing to my assistant? How do you think I’m doing any feedback, thoughts, feel notes? What do you think? What do we think? And I’d give like, I’d give compliments and validation to her, which was well earned and owed. But it is the dynamic itself was just very funny to me and telling and reflective of something that runs deeper. I don’t know why did that weird voice that runs deeper? There we go. So I’m cycling and I’m I’m the, you know, I call that everybody calls that kind of in trigger. I’m in triggered by the situation. And I’m like, at one point I cried. And once I break through to the tears, that’s usually when I start to have some clarity or some sense of like, what exactly is being triggered? And when I cried, I said, a couple things that I’m stalling on saying because I’m, I’m embarrassed, I’m embarrassed to admit this. Oh, boy, that means I’ve got to but I would say like, I’ve just feel like she didn’t believe in me. I just feel like I wasn’t cool enough, or successful enough. Like in my mind, I was concocting some story that if I was XYZ if I was quantified successful enough if she believed in me that she would have stayed and it’s like, my logical mind my my wise mind my mind that’s telling you this right now. That’s not in trigger knows that that’s not true. You know, she gave me she gave me reasons why she was leaving that I have every reason to believe which is she doesn’t want to be an entertainment. It’s too uncertain and she doesn’t want to make the lifestyle sacrifices that it takes to be an entertainment and even if those aren’t the truth, right, saying just a difference thought of it even if those aren’t the true reasons, I can think of 15 other reasons besides her not believing in me or thinking I’m fucking cool enough, that would make somebody want to leave the biggest one being it’s not fucking fun to be an assistant like, hello, what am I thinking? Of course she’d quit. Anyway, it has been given me quite the laugh that I viewed my assistant quitting as a breakup of sorts, and that I was triggered and on the level that I was around it that I feel, I feel abandoned. Yes, I Oh, this is another thing when I was crying, I was just I was like, everybody leaves. Just okay, but like, also to I guess honor the trigger honor the emotional state of the honor the intensity, because that came from somewhere, right? Our triggers don’t come from nowhere that got in me for a reason, which is, I have a lot of evidence in my past that yeah, if I’m, if I’m not successful enough, if I don’t, if I don’t fulfill whatever a person’s needs and expectations are of me that they will leave I have a lot of evidence of that. But also, as my adult self, I have a lot of evidence of supportive environment, supportive people, solid, sturdy people who will stick with me regardless. And then one other layer is let’s even just go all the way in there, all the way in into the the trigger area. What if she quit because she didn’t think I was successful enough or cool enough or didn’t believe in me? That’s still just her perception. That’s not the reality. That’s not reality. That’s not the reality. That’s just her perception of the situation. We’re in worst case scenario. I don’t believe that she believes those things. I believe that was the trigger part of me that believed she believed those things, but but still, I’m just saying even if that were the case, like so fucking what? So that’s where I’m at with this. She does have you know, a little shy of two weeks left, and it feels awkward. It feels like we’re still living together but broken up kind of thing. Where it just feels awkward. She’ll, she’ll text about something and it’s just like the knowledge that she’s she’s not going to be there in two weeks. Hurts, it stings, it stings. The reality of where I’m at today is that I feel abandoned by my assistant quitting. Oh, boy, wish me luck, guys. That’s that’s where I’m at. That’s all I’ve got. And I need to find a new assistant. Let me know if you have any suggestions. The job requirements are at least two years of relevant experience. Absolute competency, and somebody who will never leave me.


CREDITS  13:14

There’s more Hard Feelings with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content, and you can subscribe now in Apple podcasts. I’m Jennette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer and host of HardFeelings. It’s produced by Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy Rage productions. Our production team is Kegan Zema, Aria Bracci and Brian Castillo. Music is by Hannah’s Brown. Steve Nelson is Lemonada’s Vice President of weekly content. Rachel Neil is Lemonada Senior Director of new content. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and me. Listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.

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