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“doctor week” is a week i dread every year. it’s a week where i stuff as many doctor’s appointments in as possible because i dread them so much that i want to get them all over with as quickly as possible. this time, the appointments were a mammogram, ultrasound, pap smear, genetic testing, and an egg freezing consultation. i talk about what these appointments brought up for me emotionally, in the most i-have-zero-credentials-and-am-clearly-not-a-doctor sort of way.

Transcript

SPEAKERS

Jennette McCurdy

Jennette McCurdy  00:00

So this past week has been health week. Do you guys have this do you do this? I hate doctor’s appointments of any all kinds, I just can’t stand them. So I tried to schedule as many as possible back to back in the same week to just knock them all out. So that was this past week for me. I had a Pap smear, a mammogram and ultrasound. Don’t be scared. They’re regular checkups for me, I believe most women start getting mammograms when they’re 40. I started when I was 25. Because my mom was diagnosed with stage four, cancer when she was 36 or 37 years old. And so that’s always what’s on my order form every time I get a mammogram, right? They’re written on the order form. It’s like mammogram plus ultrasound, bilateral. And then where it says reason the doctor writes, well, she writes two things. The first thing she writes is mother diagnosed with stage four cancer at 36. The second thing she writes is dense breasts, which I don’t know if that’s a compliment, but it sure as hell doesn’t sound like one like dense breasts. Can she describe it a little bit differently? I don’t like it every time I see that on the form. I’m like, embarrassed to hand in the form of like, I’m here for the mammogram, for my dense breasts. It’s it sounds gross. So I had those. And then I also had genetic testing was easy enough. It was just like a boring looking, regular seeming doctor’s office. But it you know, it is weird sometimes because like I walk in and everybody tries to look busy, like, but they’re looking at me because they recognize me. It didn’t have the mammogram and have it at the ultrasound, which is you know, where they do the jelly and all that. And so my boob is just like flopped out facing this woman. She’s like, Yeah, so my daughter got your book 25 She gave it to me. And I thought, Oh, she tried to tell me something. And she tried it. And I thought, oh, no, she wouldn’t. I’m a good mom. Yeah, I think I’m a good mom. So I went ahead and read it. Wow, you’ve been through some shit girl. Like she’s talking to be like this with my breast just like in her fucking face. And it was very funny. But also, it’s like, yeah, I know, I put all that stuff in a book. And I know people can read all that stuff with all these you know, intimate details about my life. But also, I didn’t expect the person giving me an ultrasound to necessarily have read it like you don’t take into account that perhaps the ultrasound technician wielding the medical tool around your breast repeatedly might have read your book. So anyway, those various appointments, were all just kind of the appetizer courses, it was all leading up to like the main event, the main dish, which was an appointment about egg freezing, about getting my eggs frozen. I went to this appointment, and I feel like a child. I’m a small woman, you know, I’ve got some curves. I’ve got some tips. I’ve got some ass but I’m also like, small and I definitely look younger than my age but for forget about that I just feel like a child. And something about walking into like an egg freezing appointment. Just made me feel I’ve never felt more seven in my life. Absolutely, including when I was actually seven.

 

Jennette McCurdy  04:10

When I was seven. I felt like I was 45 I don’t know why like what happened here that I was 45 when I was seven and I’m seven 131 Life is weird. Aging is odd. So I go to this appointment and the doctor is so kind like she is thorough, you know, do you ever have this I feel like every doctor I go in they’re like, stepping backwards from the room before they’ve even entered they like they can’t fucking get out of there quick enough. They say words that don’t make any sense. But this doctor was not that way. She was very thorough, very, you know, thoughtful like continuously asked if I had follow up questions and seemed like she actually cared. She wasn’t like generally follow up questions. And then on to the next part of her Schpeel she was like actually waiting for a response and, and seem genuinely curious and genuinely compassionate, but it was the fucking scariest hour like it was probably over an hour that she talked to me for, I would say over an hour. It was one of the scariest. Like Doctor health experiences of my life. And just daunting like the sheer amount of information. I honestly have not looked into it very much before I went to this appointment. I didn’t fucking know I just thought like, Okay, I’m 31 I know that there’s such thing as like a biological clock and I get let you know you got less eggs as you age as a woman. So let me go just see about getting my eggs frozen. And just so just to be totally transparent. So you all know, I do not feel in any way shape or form. Like I want kids. I cannot imagine a world in which someday I want kids. But I am also open to my mind changing. Right? I have changed a lot as a person in my year so far. And I expect it and hope to continue changing. And what I don’t want to happen is for me to turn 40 and realize fuck I want kids now and then I don’t have enough eggs to you know make it happen and I know there’s alternatives but just I just wanted to kind of hear about the the possibility and what that might look like. I was not ready for all that I heard. Oh my God, it was a jarring slap in the face. She’s like, you know, half your eggs. I don’t even remember these. This is absolutely not going to be accurate but like you’ll get the gist like the scariness was the scariness is properly demonstrated here. It was like you’re born with 500,000 eggs and half of those are gone by the time you’re five or something like that. Or is it by the time you reach puberty?

 

Jennette McCurdy  06:45

See, it’s a good thing I’m not a doctor. But so you have this many less eggs and then every year at that point on you lose that you know that many more and she was she said it was it’s like significantly different. The success rate is significantly different every six months basically from this point on as I age. So if I get my eggs frozen, she was like there’s there’s no better time than now when it comes to egg freezing except for five years ago. I’m like, Oh my God, I feel attacked. But she goes, there’s no better time than now like you should do it. And whenever you’ve got it in your in your schedule to do it. Something to keep in mind is that you will have mood swings, you’ll have cramps like a period you’ll have it’ll be really really like an amplified period. For for a period you’re releasing one egg and for this you’re you’re going to be like harvesting that soda nasty. I don’t know harvest any fucking eggs. No thank you. Whatever, there’s gonna be a lot. It’s gonna be like 20 times the strength of a period. You guys, that was the last fucking thing I needed to hear my periods. debilitate me, my periods are so painful. I have seen several gynecologists about this about how to kind of work with my periods more because I feel bedridden. I feel so moody. So so so moody, the cramps are excruciating. Like I’m rolling over, I’m moaning and groaning heat pads help kind of more than anything. I also take medicine on my period to help alleviate the pain but I feel brain fog migraines. My skin breaks out horribly like I feel like a goblin for two days of the month every month during my period 20 times that I genuinely don’t know if I could fucking handle that that sounds terrifying.

 

Jennette McCurdy  09:08

So, two week process and you’re injecting yourself with hormones, and then there’s also the aspect of like actually retrieving the eggs which she like draws me or there’s a little picture and she’s like, you know, drawing on the little graphic. So she’s like circling whatever, my ovaries and she’s saying, oh, so we’re just going to inject you we’re gonna stick a needle up your vagina. Lip these words My ears are tingling hands. I’m saying this out loud. Oh my god. So she starts describing this process this procedure in depth where they are literally putting a needle in your vagina. Just you know, a regular Tuesday, and I’m feeling very dizzy. Luckily, she had handed me a water earlier so I start kind of chugging the water my eyes kind of start twitching and I’m trying to not look like a fucking weirdo while listening to this doctor kindly relate in detail how that needle was gonna just shoot up my vagina. And so eventually that portion is done. I don’t pass out. I’m feeling like, okay, surely the worst is over, but she starts going into how my body’s going to feel like I’m pregnant and might even look like I’m pregnant. And she goes, you would feel it because you’re very, you’re petite, she said, and she’s like, you would, you would likely feel like you’re very pregnant and have a lot of those symptoms and your body would really reflect that. So I left that appointment. Horrified. I’m hearing my body’s gonna look and feel like I’m pregnant. I’m gonna have difficulties and emotionality, mood swings, hormonal charges, 20 times that have a regular period. And I’m going to have needles up my vagina. That sounds like fucking hell. No, thank you. And it’s especially difficult to want to or feel inspired to do that when I do not feel like I want children. But also, anytime I say don’t want children, you know, I hear people say, Oh, but you’d be such a good mom. Yeah, it’s not about that. It is not about that. Thanks so much, Darlene. I don’t know. I feel like women who like use that kind of voice. I’ve got to be named Darlene. Her name is Darlene. She’s got a perm. And she makes a mean green bean casserole. But I just feel like no part of me feels motivated to to freeze my eggs when I don’t think I want to be a mom. But what if someday I changed my mind. And so I’m trying to decide whether or not to freeze my eggs. Honestly, now I’m thinking about Jurassic Park like saying eggs makes me think of Jurassic Park.

 

Jennette McCurdy  11:45

Yeah, I don’t want to fucking be a mom. I want to go watch Jeff Goldblum. So I’m trying to decide whether or not to freeze my eggs or embryos or whatever the fuck. But I’m struggling because I’m trying to bet on my future self wanting a thing that my current self can’t imagine wanting. Versus just not doing it and risking that someday I might want it and not be able to do it then like I’m, I’m trying to weigh these options here. And it’s quite complex to be honest, it it’s I felt dizzy afterward. And I felt I was just like going on a walk and really considering it and and just feeling confronted with kind of aging and and who I am now versus who I might be some day. And how much I don’t know about my future self. I was just confronted with all these real, you know, these life realities that I frankly, didn’t feel prepared for. And still don’t. So I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m glad that I that I got to share this though. And I’m curious if any of you relate or kind of struggling with whether or not to to freeze your eggs or embryos. And that’s all from me. I am gonna go watch Jurassic Park.

 

CREDITS  13:08

There’s more Hard Feelings with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content, and you can subscribe now in Apple podcasts. I’m Jennette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer and host of HardFeelings. It’s produced by Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy Rage productions. Our production team is Kegan Zema, Aria Bracci and Brian Castillo. Music is by Hannah’s Brown. Steve Nelson is Lemonada’s Vice President of weekly content. Rachel Neil is Lemonada Senior Director of new content. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and me. Listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.