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Description

“2nd.” Written by Frank Jimenez. Performed by Danny Ramirez. Frank is putting his mentor’s sage advice to good use by prioritizing his and his family’s happiness and working towards leaving his own unique mark on Hollywood.

‘My writings are like little track markers showing me I’m on the right path, even though I might not see it right then and there.’ – Frank Jimenez

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Frank Jimenez, Ramon Escobar, Walter Thompson-Hernandez

Danny Ramirez

I toss and turn, but I can’t help to earn from my soul cries out for you a soliloquy. I can’t recall the last time I dreamt. Unlike any dream, I sense you. The warmth of your embrace the unique aroma that bewilders me. I react with the squeeze. And then it’s all gone. My dad’s called grasp the night breeze reminds me it was never real. I’ve lost the sense to feel mind racing. 100 miles an hour anxiety crawling deep in the skin. No matter what you do. It just digs deep, deeper and deeper until it slices through the flesh, scrapes and entwines itself against your bones. The whole-body shivers in fear it devours you, like the darkness does to light. Flashing memories remind you what must be done. Like the feeling of giving it your best. You realize that it will never be enough. So you reach into the wound and grasp it from the inside and you tuck until it’s ripped from inside of you. The body, the mind, the soul, scream out in agony. You drop to your knees, drained. You feel the salty pain running down your cheek. you inhale all the memories. You allow them to play once more. You exhale pressing down gently until it all fades away. As the darkness subsides.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  03:01

I’m Walter Thompson Hernandez. And this is WRITTEN OFF. That was actor Danny Ramirez. Who you can catch later this year in Top Gun Maverick with Tom Cruise. He read a piece by IOW alum Frank Jimenez, who’s also breaking his way into Hollywood. But on the other side of the camera. Frank’s in pursuit of his dream becoming a producer and production designer. But he’s still a 29-year-old father of three with a deep history. He comes to IOW’s couch is a bit nervous. He says his voice is somewhat shaky. He’s pretty quiet the entire time we set up. His hands clasp together, and his legs moving about. He’s nervous about the interview. He’s nervous about hearing someone read his writing. Because it feels like he’s forced to enter a room. A pretty dark room. And that room he says, can be a tough place to be in behind his subdued manner. It felt like I was in for something more. He’s like the kid in class who gets A’s on all the tests, but never raises his hands to talk. And when Frank finally got the opportunity to open up, his words carried a weight that I wasn’t expecting.

Frank Jimenez  04:21

How’s it going?

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

How are you feeling?

Frank Jimenez 

Ah, I’m a little nervous.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez

Why are you nervous?

Frank Jimenez 

This piece was I think one of my darkest and deepest that I’ve ever written. And I’m usually very vocal. And I have people that I can reach out to and talk to about certain situations in life. To kind of guide me back onto the right path to kind of ground me. You know, I touched back to my foundation, and I couldn’t do it with what I’ve been going through. So I throw on a piece of paper. I’ve presented my work and other times and I  submit it and I don’t ever read it again. I’ll see it posted somewhere. And that’s it. So yeah.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

What does it feel like to have this person read your work?

Frank Jimenez 

It’s very chilling. Like it’s calming, just the way it was read, the way I was writing it, the way I was introverted my head was just utter chaos. And just hearing it play back, it’s so subtle, it’s smooth. And it’s, it allows me to see my work in a different way. I kind of got the chills. It’s actually very calming. It’s actually the opposite of what I thought it would be.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

And if you could talk me through what you were experiencing when you wrote that, like, maybe where were you time of day?

Frank Jimenez 

This is late at night is like three in the morning, my mind just wouldn’t shut off. Just dealing with a lot of loss in 2020, relationship problems, having separate myself from my family, and needing that break, so I can grab myself and reassess myself and kind of go back to the path that I need to be on. There was a very dark moment for me, January 1st, I moved out, we pretty much ended our relationship. It’s been seven years, we have two kids, I had to move out to get myself that space, the thing to kind of reassess everything that’s going on. I just felt very depressed. And um, it was something that I haven’t felt in a very long time. But I just felt defeated for a second. I tried expression, and I couldn’t. So I just did it all on paper, have a commodity came up.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  06:43

And it’s putting it all on paper is something that you’ve done in the past?

Frank Jimenez 

Yeah, yeah. But usually, when it’s more personal things, I usually I tend to talk it out. And this time, I just couldn’t get the words out. So, I wrote it, it’s I think the first time I’m actually gone, like really in depth and on a like, personal level and kind of assessing myself through my own writing.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

The narrator in this poem, who is that person? And like, is there a certain person that you’re writing for?

Frank Jimenez 

Kind of writing to like life itself, just the way I see it? The way I’ve been experiencing it, and by life, I literally mean like, every aspect, as a man, as a father, as a boyfriend, someone that’s been in relationship, someone that’s trying to achieve their goals. You know, it was just a moment in time where I felt defeated by life itself.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

How long have you been writing for?

Frank Jimenez 

I want to say 10 years now, on and off. Yeah.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

And that first moment that you ever wrote, like, can you walk me through that?

Frank Jimenez 

So my first writing was all because of one lady that I adore now. And she’s a very huge mentor to me. And she’s helped me and guided me through my life. But um, I was at a messed-up place. And this lady came up to me and told me, you know, at the end of every night, before you go to bed, assess your life, ask yourself, are you happy with the life you’re living? The answer’s yes. And by all means, continue what you’re doing, if the answer’s no, like what needs to change. And for three months, I couldn’t stop thinking about this lady, because I was like, who is this lady? She doesn’t know me. She has no idea what I’ve been through. She has nothing. Like she has no knowledge of me. Say, she has the audacity to say this to me and made me up for three months. And I started writing, what I wanted my goals to be what I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to achieve all the different things I wanted to accomplish. And that was my first writing. That’s what led to that.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  08:59

That first writing. Do you remember exactly what you wrote?

Frank Jimenez 

It was a five-year plan that I made for myself, kind of spoke to myself a lot and realize, you know, this isn’t the life I want to live. This lady’s name is Rosalyn […]. It was like roses, right? Like, what? What do I need to change? What am I doing wrong? So, I sat down and threw everything that I wanted to go on paper, and then I assessed it. And I started picking the things that I wanted to be and the things that I wanted to do. And I wrote about it. I wrote to myself saying you have five years to accomplish these things. There is no ifs, ands, or buts like this is the steps that you’re going to do to get there. And eventually I did it in belief, three years instead of five.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez

So say 10 years ago, you would have never started to write. How would your life be different today?

Frank Jimenez 

I can’t honestly say because just as being able to express myself. Not to like other people, but in writing in a way where I can go back and see where my writing was and see where I was. And I can remember, the mindset, the place will lead me to write this. They’re like little track markers, you know, that I’m in the right path, even though I might not see it. Right then in there, even though I might be overwhelmed, or be dealing with a lot of things. The moment I go back to my writings, I see myself and I see the growth that I’ve done throughout the years.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  10:48

Your idea of writing, has it changed since when you first began?

Frank Jimenez 

Yeah, my dear writing was, like I said, make lists, make notes for myself. And then I realized that once I started writing about the things that really bothered me, the things that I really needed to change, it was like, this weight was getting lifted off my shoulders, more and more each time. And then I got introduced to this amazing team. And, man, it was, it was a relief. unlike anything else, you know, I used to run to like drugs and other things to kind of fill that fill that void. And honestly writing about it kind of cured everything in a way that I’ve never felt, it was just a relief, like this loss of pressure, I could think, I can act, you know, I wasn’t clustered.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

And when you write, is there like a certain theme that you always write about?

Frank Jimenez 

Honestly, man, it’s all depends on the mood. It all depends on where I’m at my surroundings, it’s spontaneous. And I can never finish a piece because once I get an idea going, I’ll start trying to write it down on paper, or grab my phone and go through my notes. As my mind is racing, it doesn’t stop, I’m trying to keep up with it. And then once I get to a point where I lose, it’s like, I just lose track. And then that’s the piece. There’s been a few times where I can come back, and kind of takeoff where I left off, and continue those pieces. But that’s like my issue that once my mind gets going, and it has this idea, this creative moment, it just wants to get it out, and I can’t get it out fast enough. So if I can’t feel that vibe anymore, it’s like I just leave it alone.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  12:32

I’m also wondering if this piece is finished.

Frank Jimenez 

It’s one of the very few pieces that I’ve been able to go back and continue. It’s probably the second or third piece that I’ve ever actually like, finished, that I read and read and read over and over again. And I was like, that’s everything I was filling up. That’s everything that I needed to express at the moment.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

In your piece, you mentioned digesting those memories. But I’m also curious if you’ve found a way to rid yourself of them?

Frank Jimenez 

So that is me coming to peace with my memories, the things that I’ve lived the things that I’ve experienced those memories that I made, and that I cherished. And even though they’re great memories, they were in a way detrimental to me, because it brings me back to times and places that I really enjoyed. That also has to do with like I said it was this piece was just my whole life kind of put together. I’m expressing life the way I’m seeing it the way I’m experiencing it. And in 2020 I loss for family members, and two close friends within a six-month span. Those memories that I have of like my uncles, and that passed away, my aunt passed away, my grandma, a really close friend of mine. I lived them. And sometimes in their place where I was, I didn’t want that to be gone. Or I didn’t want to lose that. Because I lost his people. That’s where I was. So it is my way of reassuring myself. It’s not over you know; these people are kind of molded you to become who you are today. They were all they are guided you they all gave you advice. They’ve all seen you. At your lowest they’ve seen you at your highest and I made peace with it. And I’ve learned to move past it. I’ve learned to let go. So I’m not dealing with that darkness. I’m not dealing with that depression. It’s my way of saying, you know, this is another life but not the end of their legacy. Not enough of their being because they’re still with me at heart. They’re still with me in my mind.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  14:51

Of course I absolutely agree with that. And I’m also wondering if writing about them, keeps a memory alive as well?

Frank Jimenez

Yeah, it does. And I’ve written a few other things since then. So it’s my way of kind of making peace with it and accepting it and not letting myself over think that I will never see these people never be with them. It’s my way of saying, you know, I am where I am because of all of this. And that’s how I move past it.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

Like, if you could tell me who Frank is today, where he aspires to be, what he dreams about, what he’s afraid of.

Frank Jimenez

So Frank ism, the things that kind of make him, right?

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

Yeah, and also, like, it could be light, too, you know, like, so deep.

Frank Jimenez

The thing I fear is failing for my kids. You know, I grew up in a very complicated household, I’ve seen the struggle, I’ve seen how hard it is to, you know, take care of kids and have to do it on a nine to five and two or three jobs at a time. So that’s one thing, I fear, I fear, failing for my kids, I fear not being able to give them a better life than my parents gave me. Because that’s, that was their ultimate goal. And my mom expresses that over and over again, every time we talk. And she’s proud of where I am, even though she doesn’t understand what I do. She just knows that I’m working a lot, and I’m working towards this goal. And then myself, I am just hungry. I’m a person that has gotten this opportunity to work in this amazing industry, that there’s no limit to what you can do. You can grow in as many ways as you want, you know, you just pick a field and you stick with it, and you push and you can excel, there is no, there is no timeframe, it’s all on you depends on how hungry you are, how much hustle you have within you.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  16:50

What kind of industry is it?

Frank Jimenez 

I work in the film industry. So I started PA’ing four years ago, I’ve done a little bit of every single department, production coordinator now. And I’m just from hungry, and I see that there’s no limits on like, I’m, I’m trying to, to move to the next step, become a production supervisor, you know, produce just anything and everything that I can do, and everything that I can be a part of, is great, because it just makes my job easier, because I get more experience. And I get to meet more people, and just kind of expand my horizon.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

I asked this earlier, but like, I kind of want you to really describe the scene, right? Like really, like, put me there. Like that moment, when you started writing for the first time, like, talk me through who you’re seeing, who you’re not seeing, what you’re wearing.

Frank Jimenez  18:01

At this point in time, I was in youth authority. And I had just gotten sentenced to a five-year term. I was two years into it. And, you know, this lady told me this. So I sat in my bunk. And I kept pacing in circles, my little concrete box. And I was trying to figure out a way to get that idea out of my head, get her voice out of my head. So I picked up a pen and paper and I started, you know, I was like, I don’t want to be doing this forever. I don’t want to be stuck here. I don’t want to ever have to think about anything that’s going to put me back in to this place. So I was like, man, I you know, I like cars, I’m good. I’ve been working on cars; I was a kid. I was like, you know, I’m gonna go out and then I’m gonna go to college, get a degree, get my skills in, and I’m opening my own shop. And I’m start writing all the different things that I that all my skills, or the knowledge that I have on cars, or the knowledge that I know about business. You know, I had family members who had their own shops and everything.

Frank Jimenez

And I’ve kind of made a plan. My first step was, you know, to, like really assess, like, what needs to change right now what’s going to help me get to that next step. And it was getting my high school diplomas first. Just educated myself and more business. Just started reading as much as I could about cars, and just filling the void that I didn’t know you know, and I just kept writing and I wrote all night. And then at the like, the next morning I woke up to that piece. I read it every day for like a month until there was a memorize it in my head and then got like really working on getting my high school diploma and making sure that I was catching up and just changing everything around me changing the way I was thinking changing the way I was acting and just kind of being accountable for everything I’ve done and really, like pushing myself to be accountable, and to do everything that I said I was gonna do.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez  20:11

What do you think that version of yourself would tell Frank today?

Frank Jimenez 

Wow. Think that version of myself would tell me to not take things too personal. Just, like grab an idea. Grab my thoughts and just run with them. And to like not care what other people say not caring what other people think, not care what other people would like, or going to, you know, comment or anything like that. And to just do it.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

And how about the opposite I would focus today tell that 17-year-old version of yourself?

Frank Jimenez 

I will tell myself, no matter how hard it gets, every single day, it only gets better and it gets easier. No matter how many times you need to start over no matter how many times you have to start from scratch. It is absolutely worth it.

Walter Thompson-Hernandez 

Thanks again to Frank who you can follow on Instagram at @Ftank323. Move by what you heard today. Want to do more? Follow and support InsideOUT Writers Workshop at insideoutwriters.org and click on ways. To get involved personally in the work to end mass incarceration in California. Check out the work of ARC, the Anti-Recidivism Coalition at antirecidivism.com. Next week on WRITTEN OFF, writer Ramon Escobar.

Ramon Escobar 

I mean automatically, I just went back to probably where I think I wrote that, which was in a very, very dark place. I mean, I’m actually shocked that I even had that type of perspective at that age. Now looking back, it’s moving for sure.

CREDITS  22:19

WRITTEN OFF is a co-production of Lemonada Media and Black Bar Mitzvah. Our producer is Claire Jones. supervising producers are Xorje Olivares and Kryssy Pease. Executive producers are Aaron Bergman, Jay Ellis, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. Music and sound design by Xander Singh. Mix and scoring by Matthew Simonson. Special thanks to all of our contributors, and InsideOUT Writers, you can learn more about them at insideoutwriters.org. If you like what you heard, help others find us by rating the show and writing a review. Follow us at @LemonadaMedia across all social platforms. To support WRITTEN OFF and gain access to exclusive bonus material. Like additional conversations with the writers and producers of this show. Subscribe to Lemonada Premium, only on Apple podcasts. And for more of my work, visit my website wthdz.com. I’m Walter Thompson Hernandez. Thanks for listening.