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Greta and Corrine have been best friends for over a decade. They’ve been through a lot together, from leaving their small town, finding their queer identities, to now healing from their recent painful breakups. Today, they’re asking themselves: is it really better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?

Looking for resources? Visit ineedtoaskyousomething.org for info on how to strengthen relationships, deal with traumatic events, and get help.

Dr. Monica Band is the host of this show and consultant with the Jed Foundation. Chrystal Genesis is our supervising producer. Giulia Hjort is our producer and Rachel Lightner is our producer and audio engineer. Tess Novotny is our associate producer. Mixing and original music by Bobby Woody. Additional music by Andi Kristinsdottir. Special thanks to Kelsey Henderson. Jackie Danziger is our VP of Narrative Content. Executive producers are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs.

This series was created with The Jed Foundation, a non-profit that protects emotional health and prevents suicide for teens and young adults. Find ways to manage your emotional health, cope with challenges, and support the people in your life at jedfoundation.org. 

This series is presented by Hopelab, a social innovation lab and impact investor supporting the mental health of adolescents, ages 10-25, especially BIPOC and LGBTQ+ youth. Learn more at hopelab.org. 

This series is also presented by the Stupski Foundation, returning resources to the communities it calls home in Hawaiʻi and the San Francisco Bay Area by 2029 to support just and resilient food, health, and higher education systems for all. Learn more at stupski.org. 

This series is also presented by the Lumina Foundation, an independent, private foundation committed to making opportunities for learning beyond high school available to all. Learn more at luminafoundation.org.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Greta, Corrine, V Spehar, Dr. Monica Band

Dr. Monica Band  00:01

This episode includes conversations about heartbreak, remember to be kind and patient with yourself. And if you need to take a moment to pause while listening. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

Greta  01:16

I guess my anger now it comes from feeling upset that what we went through together and the way that he left things has made me afraid of getting into something new. It’s like physically terrifying. I get really like panicky and just emotional when I even think about trying to start something new with somebody and to allow myself to be close to somebody and allow myself to have feelings for someone new because I’m like, why would I set myself up for failure? My name is Greta, I’m 24 years old. And I currently live in St. Paul, Minnesota. And my question is, is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I wanted to have this conversation with my best friend Corinne. They also went through a similar experience recently. So I think it will be really good for us to both sit down and talk about it together.

Dr. Monica Band  02:27

It’s a certain kind of pain, but it never starts that way. At first there’s a meet cute with dreams of everlasting love and commitment. And later on it inspires Adele and Mary J. Blige songs, a generation of Swifties and not to mention the many Teen Vogue articles on how to get over it. Yep, that’s right. I’m talking about the only kind of pain that can come from love heartbreak. Proceed with caution y’all. You know when you open up TikTok now search hashtag heartbreak. And you’ll see video after video of deeply personal stories right there in front of you. I remember my own painful story of heartbreak. Back in middle school, I would listen to the Ramones rocket to Russia and my CD player daydreaming that my crush and I would take down the establishment together. He played drums I played guitar. It all made sense. In band class we would exchange flirtatious glances laughing at something only we understood. I honestly thought we’d ride off into the Virginia sunset on our BMX bikes together happily ever after. But this fantasy came crashing down in the most horrible way. When I found out he cheated on me with another girl. Luckily, I had a lifeline to lean on. My best friend who doubles as my brother. He literally picked me back up off the floor ready with hugs and the validation I so desperately needed. And back to the best friends. I’ll be in session with today, Greta and Corinne. They have been this person for each other. Today will answer Greta’s question, is it in fact better to have loved and lost than to have never loved it all? This is I need to ask you something. And I am your host, Dr. Monica band.

Corrine  04:27

I think I always kind of had like a bit of like a friend crush on Greta from hanging out with her a little bit. I like theater camp and tennis camp. I was just like, oh, like she’s funny. Like she seems cool. Might as well reach out. So yeah, and I remember I messaged her on Facebook, and I was like, Hey, do you like watching like YouTube and YouTubers? And she was like, Oh my God. Yeah, I love YouTube and I love YouTubers. Like I love like Joey Graceffa and Connor Franta.

Dr. Monica Band  04:57

Okay, that’s adorable, greatest cracking up right now. Greta, you remember this?

Greta  05:01

Yes, yeah, that is like how we became really close. So when we like first started hanging out, I was like, Oh my God, they’re hilarious. And we have like so much in common. And I feel like Corinne was able to bring out like parts of me that I was like, too insecure about to like show to other people like my nerdy or, like interest because we had that stuff in common.

Dr. Monica Band  05:29

Greta and Corrine. Now 24 and 23 have been friends for over a decade, they saw eye to eye on many things, from their favorite YouTubers to feeling out of place and their rural hometown, just outside of Minneapolis.

Greta  05:44

The town was also like, very conservative with a lot of close minded people. And so that’s kind of something that we also like bonded over in high school. We like started a gender sexuality Alliance at the high school. Because there was like, no space for any kind of conversation, let alone like a healthy, positive encouraging one. So I think it like really, like helped develop our friendship, too, because Kurt and I were both like, oh, we have maybe another thing in common. I didn’t realize that I was gay a little bit. At that point. Um, Greene was ahead of me. But yeah, it was just like another thing that we were able to like bond over I guess.

Dr. Monica Band  06:38

As soon as Greta and Corrine turned 18, they said Peace out to their small town and headed to college in the state capitol, St. Paul. There, they really flourished and found a group of friends they now call their chosen family. Three years and lots of new life experiences later, Greta was scrolling through a dating app when she came across a 10. This guy checked all the boxes for her. He was a skilled musician, he crafted clay into beautiful pottery. And here’s the real selling point. He had two cats. Greta knew she had to meet this guy in person.

Greta  07:13

I remember coming home from the date. It was like ungodly hot that summer. And it was 2020. So Karina, and I were like stuck in our really sweaty apartment together. And I remember coming home from the date and like laying on the floor and like telling them everything about him.

Dr. Monica Band  07:33

What did you see as a roommate and bestie.

Corrine  07:36

I’ll be honest, I think at the time, I was a little bit jealous. Because I was trying so hard to like find somebody that summer because I had spent like three months at my parents house for quarantine. I was like, Oh my gosh, like I want to go on a date. Like I want to be kissed and stuff. But I was also super excited. Because it was fun to like gossip about like a new boy that I could definitely see. I was like, oh, okay, this this one I might meet. So

Dr. Monica Band  08:09

What make do you say that? Like, was there something in the way that Greta was talking about this person or sharing with you? Yeah,

Corrine  08:16

Yeah, I feel like Greta is kind of the person were like, when she knows she knows. So I definitely wasn’t hearing like, uh, oh, yeah. Like, I don’t know, maybe we’ll be like, friends with benefits or like, I maybe I’ll go on a second date with him. It was more so like, yeah, like, I definitely want to see him again. Like, he seems really nice. Like, he does this and this and this. And I was like, okay, like, that sounds pretty good for you.

Dr. Monica Band  08:41

So would you agree with that Greta that you’re someone who when you know, you know? What got you there mentally to say I know, for this person.

Greta  08:50

Yeah, it was just like he was easy to talk to and really cool. And I was like, Yeah, I was pretty infatuated right away. And I came into careens room after I got home from that second date. And I was like, Dude, I feel like really weird. Like, I feel like just like, giddy and like, Yeah, I knew the second date. I knew for sure. Like, oh, I’m gonna fall in love with him and like, it’s over. It’s over. It’s done.

Dr. Monica Band  09:23

About a year into Greta living her best life with her hot new boyfriend. Kareem met someone through a mutual friend. And those giddy bubbly feelings that Greta was experiencing. Corinne was now right there with her.

Corrine  09:36

There was like, kind of like an initial attraction. We had like, a similar music taste. I don’t know. I guess we were both like, the edgy ones. In a sense, I don’t know. There was just like something.

Dr. Monica Band  09:52

You said that with air quotes.

Corrine  09:56

I mean, like we met for the first time when I was like 80 and unlike That’s exactly how I would have loved somebody to describe me at the time

Greta  10:03

I’m cracking up. Remembering the way that the two of them got together was just really funny because they like, kind of flirted for like, years, for like, multiple years, and we were all like, when’s it gonna happen? Like, when are you guys gonna get together like, what’s going on and cream as always, like, they’ll come to me when they want me or?

Corrine  10:28

It was kind of like an inside joke for like, three years, because like, we all kind of knew that we had a little crush on each other. I remember, like, the second or third time we met, they like kiss me on the forehead. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like they want it. But, um,

Dr. Monica Band  10:47

So the feelings were mutual. There was a buildup, yeah, there was back and forth. There was forehead kisses. Okay. Um, at that point, how did you feel about the longevity of your relationship?

Corrine  11:02

I think in the beginning, when we first decided to, like, make it official, I was definitely very, very, like, right off the bat in love. I think that I had loved them as a friend for so long that it didn’t really take much for that to like, translate into a romantic kind of love. And as the relationship kind of went on, we kind of like, both came into our like, queer non binary identities, like alongside each other. So like, that, like, growth together was like super, super important for me, and like sharing that experience, like, alongside like, the person that I was in love with just kind of like, further drove that love and admiration that I had for them. So yeah, I think. I think like, if you would have asked me even like a month or two and like, do you think this person is the one I would have been like, oh, like no doubt about it.

Dr. Monica Band  12:03

So Greta, as your relationship progressed, were there any page pink, red flags? That you know had you pausing and second guessing your initial shorty?

Greta  12:17

Yeah, definitely. I think the first one was just like how much he drank. And I remember talking about this with Corrine like, really early on, that I noticed it and it made me a little uncomfortable, but I wasn’t sure if like, it was kind of like he was in a frat and college. So I was like, you know, it’s just like a lingering frat hobby. And I think the other thing that really tipped me off as like, Okay, I’m not going to be with this person forever, was when I met his friends. They were just very, not the people that I would associate myself with. They were I don’t know how to like, put this nicely.

Dr. Monica Band  13:09

Corrine have thoughts on this?

Corrine  13:12

They were douchebags. They sucked. Yeah, they suck. I’ll say they sucked.

Dr. Monica Band  13:22

So I think it’s safe to say that Greta was having some doubts about whether the RT cat lover with the questionable friends was going to be her forever person. But Corrine, on the other hand, was totally sold on mapping out their future with their partner. More after the break.

Dr. Monica Band  13:50

Before the break Best Friends Greta and Corinne had stepped into a really promising phase of their lives. But while Corinne was falling in love for the first time, Greta is love radar was glitching. She found herself having concerns and second thoughts which he kept rationalizing away. This isn’t unusual. Sometimes we’re too close to a problem. And therapy speak. We call this being emotionally compromised or too biased. Ideally, people who know us well will let us know if something’s up. But they have to be willing to tell us and they might not be because they want to respect our choices. And at the end of the day, we may not even want to hear it. But remember earlier when I mentioned those beige, pink and red flags, people often come to therapy when they’re in the red flag territory, and not when things feel beige or pink. Wherever the conflict falls on the color spectrum. It’s something that gives our honeymoon phase pause. This pause is our intuition. Our body’s telling us to pay attention. Now back to my conversation with Greta and Corinne. Let’s focus on Greta on the ending of your relationship to the breakup portion of your relationship.

Greta  17:24

Yeah, so we actually ended because my ex moved away. And he had told me like about a year before, basically that he was like going to move when his lease ended. So we knew for like a year that this was going to happen. We wanted to stay together to just like have our time together. And like for the most part I I don’t regret like a staying together for that last year. But towards the end, it got really hard, really, really hard because it was like time was moving, obviously. And like the day that he was going to leave was approaching and we couldn’t slow it down. We couldn’t like give ourselves more time together. It kind of felt like everything was like slipping away like our relationship. And him. It was just like going to be gone.

Dr. Monica Band  18:27

Can you give me a sense of what that conversation sounded like, with your ex about leaving? Out of state?

Greta  18:36

Yeah. He basically said like, he’s lived here his whole life and he wants to explore other places. And he liked to camp and hike and ski. And so he wanted to move to Denver to do all those things. And he asked me to move with him. And I said, No, I was like, I don’t know, I think I would have to think about it. And then I thought about it for a couple minutes. And I was like no, I Well, part of it was like the red flags that we talked about earlier. I just didn’t really see myself with him for the rest of my life. And so I was like, Well, why would I move across the country for somebody that I don’t even want to like get married to or whatever. And then the other part of it was like my whole life is here like Karina is here. All my friends are here my family’s here. Mostly crane is here. So we stay together basically until a week before he physically left the state. And we had agreed we talked about long distance we talked about staying friends we talked about communicating after like all that stuff and we didn’t want to do long distance. I don’t think it would have worked For either of us. And we basically decided to like keep in touch from like letters like pen pals, kind of.

Dr. Monica Band  20:10

How did that impact your feelings? Were there lingering feelings for him that the connection was still there through these letters?

Greta  20:19

The thing was that there ended up not being any letters. I sent two letters and a postcard. And then I received an email from him saying, please stop writing me. I don’t want to have any contact. I think it’s best if we just try to remember our good times and just move on, because we’re probably never gonna see each other again. And I was like, Okay, I thought that this is what we wanted to do.

Dr. Monica Band  20:56

When you say, Okay, I thought this is what we decided to do, what feelings were behind that thought?

Greta  21:01

Like rejection, and disappointment. I think it really stunted my process of like getting closure, because, yeah, there was just none. There was just no closure at all. It was like, the morning that we like, broke up. We like woke up and like five minutes later, he was out the door and gone forever. Basically.

Dr. Monica Band  21:31

I’m hearing that maybe that felt too fast, or sort of abrupt. And you’re saying I didn’t have any closure? And even receiving that email sort of robbed me of it. Can? Can you share with me? What? If you were to have closure? What were you hoping for? What would that look like?

Greta  21:51

I think I would have liked to the day that he left, we could have woken up and like sat on the couch and like talked about our favorite memories together and like what the relationship meant to each of us. And because it was super important to me, like I I worked on a lot of things during our relationship. And he allowed me to work on things during the relationship. And I grew a lot and I learned so much. And there are just so many things I wanted to tell him that I didn’t get to because we woke up and he was like, well, the longer I stay here, like the worst is going to be so I’m going to leave. And I was like, Okay, I love you. Thank you for this time, like I was scrambling like trying to think of everything I wanted to tell him I wish we could have sat down and like, cried together and like, hugged and like, yeah, just shared a moment.

Dr. Monica Band  22:57

Sounds like instead you have this sort of awkward exchange where you are caught off guard and you weren’t able to truly in fully express just what the relationship has meant to you. And further it sounds like that choice got taken away from you, especially with that cut off.

Greta  23:17

Yeah. And I, I felt like I tried to express it in the letters like, this is what I wish I could have said to you and you were leaving that morning. And again, the response that I got was like, leave me alone basically. So it was very frustrating because I wanted to process what happened with the two of us because nobody really understood like what it was like for us to go through that last year together and like break up the way that we did and I just had so many like questions about how the experience was for him and like, what the heartbreak was like for him and like how he processed it and like all these things and I wanted to know and I will never know.

Dr. Monica Band  24:06

What was important about knowing that?

Greta  24:10

I guess it would have been nice to hear like my experience echoed went in his like, yeah, this was really hard for me to I also cried all the time. I also listened to this specific song and thought about you I also looked at our photos together. Yeah, it would have been nice to hear. I guess my experiences validated and echoed in his two

Dr. Monica Band  24:40

Yeah, I interpreting what you’ve shared there. I think of some questions like was it all for nothing? Were our feelings and everything. Real? It sounds like in hindsight, of course on our side. It feels like there was some draw On out moments, right? Like there was still a moment where like, you had that gap where you were there for a year together? Maybe that was a moment of closure or transition? How did you spend that year of knowing they were going to go? How did you use that time together?

Greta  25:20

For the most part, it was really nice. We took a bunch of trips in the last year, but definitely the last, I would say, two months or so were like, pretty bad. We were just like, really sad all the time. And like crying together a lot. But it was always filled with frustration to from me being like, what are you feeling? And what do you have to say about what we’ve been through? And like, what this meant to you? And like.

Dr. Monica Band  25:54

Thank you. So Corrine, I’d love to take a moment now to understand how things ended in your relationship.

Corrine  26:03

My relationship ended very abruptly. And I wish I could say that I like saw it come in from like, one angle or another. But unfortunately, because of lack of communication on there, and I didn’t see it coming at all. I think around the time that our relationship ended, it was like the beginning of February, like my Seasonal Depression was definitely starting to set in. And I definitely was seeking a lot of like, comfort and reassurance from them. And I just randomly pose the question, do you like, actually want to, like, have a future with me and like, have like a cute little like queer wedding? And like moving together and stuff? And they were like, yeah, definitely. So the question that I had asked them two weeks before we broke up, I was just kind of like, Does it bother you, or like, make you uncomfortable when I like talk about the future. And they kind of said, not really. But like that one time that we like, talked about getting married, and like having a future like, I kind of felt like I just had to go along with it. And I couldn’t really say what I actually wanted. And I was like, really taken aback by that.

Dr. Monica Band  27:26

Usually, one of the kind of joys or pleasures of being in relationship is to fantasize is to have fantasies and kind of a playfulness and flirtation around the future. And it can provide a lot of hope. To go there with a partner feel safe to explore that fantasy with a partner. And it sounds like there are moments where you are trying to do that, and attune to your partner and have that playfulness with them. And it wasn’t the energy wasn’t received.

Corrine  28:00

Yeah. I mean, I think it’s just really sad, like getting your hopes up like that. And like hearing from this person that you love so much that they want to put in so much effort and so much love into like, your growth together, and then finding out that it was like, kind of all for nothing.

Dr. Monica Band  28:22

How did this affect your mental health at that point?

Corrine  28:29

I think it really fucked me up for a minute, because I really felt like I couldn’t trust myself. Because the relationship had ended with so many like, broken promises. And like such high expectations previously, that like, I thought, I must have done something really bad to like, fuck this up and like, ruin it. I was just like, there’s no way they would just like end it like this and like, not give me answers and not give me closure. And I feel like just because of the way that my brain is wired. Sometimes I have a hard time like rationalizing the fact that like, people can just like do shitty things. So yeah, I think it really messed with my ability to trust other people, and also my ability to trust myself.

Dr. Monica Band  29:29

I am so sorry, Corinne that is so painful. Thank you for going there and sharing that. So I’m hearing how things ended. And so it was a breakup for you personally, a breakup from the friend group. Is that correct?

Corrine  29:46

Yeah, they unfollowed me and remove me from following them and stuff like that. That was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I mean, I wasn’t prepared for any of it. But like, I think that little extra bit of disconnection. I was like, oh, this is serious.

Greta  30:05

And it happened immediately.

Corrine  30:07

Yeah, it did. It happened less than an hour afterwards. I was like, gone from there social media.

Dr. Monica Band  30:13

What did that feel like?

Corrine  30:15

It hurt.

Corrine  30:17

It definitely hurt. It felt like they were trying to delete my existence from their existence. Yeah, it really sucked.

Dr. Monica Band  30:28

I actually want to step back a little bit to notice some similarities in the way that you both were questioning, right? different in the sense that Corinne for you, it was like a quick cut off. Right? For you. Greta there was some like, lingering, you know, I know you’re leaving. But let’s try to make this work. But inevitably, it was also a cut off. And both of you in different ways, were looking for explanations as to why could this possibly end I need some sense of closure to understand what’s happening and why this person would do this to me. What would have that experience that heartbreak been like without each other?

Corrine  31:17

Oh, man, I don’t think.

Dr. Monica Band  31:21

I see this big inhale and bracing. Corrine What was that about?

Corrine  31:29

I feel like the night that my breakup occurred, despite how torn apart I felt like there is still such a big part of me that felt like so overwhelmed with gratitude for Greta, and my other friends that showed up for me. I like for days afterwards, she let me like sleep in her bed and brought me food. And like took care of me. And just having that space for me, provided by somebody who has always shown up for me and has always showed me so much love was just like, so crucial and so important. Yeah, I feel like she was very significant in my healing, I guess.

Greta  32:16

I’m trying not to cry. I just remember how sad it was to see Corrine. That way, like it was really heartbreaking. Because I was like, they don’t deserve this. They are like, just incredible. And were incredible to their partner as well. I just wanted them to know that like, there’s no part of them that should have doubted their worth.

Corrine  32:47

Yeah, I mean, it means so much to hear that now and then. But I still pulled so many great friends and like I have someone as amazing as Greta that loves me and will do these amazing things for me. Like I must be a good person as I can, like, keep such amazing people around me.

Dr. Monica Band  33:13

Greta and Corrine’s relationship was really tested in those moments of pain. Without the reassurance they gave each other they risk deeply personalizing rejection, like blaming themselves for things that weren’t their fault or were beyond their control. Closure falls into that category of things beyond our control. But it’s what we want when we go through a breakup, answers, explanations, anything to make sense of it all. And it’s tough to come to terms with the fact that we’re probably going to have to glue our hearts back together on our own instead. More on that when we return. Okay, so let’s recap real quick. Greta and Corrine have taken us on their individual emotional roller coasters. From sweet forehead kisses to the don’t contact me again emails. So how do we get off that heartbreak roller coaster? Well, first, we have to ride it out, hold on tight for the ups, and especially the downs until we find ourselves safely on the other side. And we’ll be lucky if we don’t puke during the scary parts. For Greta to move on from her own heartbreak hellscape, she had to embrace the anger before reaching acceptance.

Greta  36:13

I think I I wasn’t really angry with him for a very long time, I only recently became a what changed? I guess my anger. Now it comes from feeling upset that what we went through together and the way that he left things, has made me afraid of getting into something new, like I have been seeing somebody that I really want to like, be with and it’s so physically terrifying. I get really like panicky and just emotional when I even think about trying to start something new with somebody and to allow myself to be close to somebody and allow myself to have feelings for someone new because I’m like, why would I set myself up for failure? Why would I put myself in a situation where I rely on somebody for love and comfort and closeness and a relationship and then have it? And the way it did it was so like, I’ve never experienced like, pain like that before. So the idea of that happening again is like I can’t imagine and so I’m like, mad at him because I want all those things. But it’s, yeah.

Dr. Monica Band  37:47

You’re trying to move forward, but you’re feeling your past, drag you back into a lot of your fears. And so finish the sentence for me. If I get into this relationship, then what? What will happen?

Greta  38:08

I will be brokenhearted again.

Dr. Monica Band  38:15

There’s a very protective part of you, that is trying to learn from your past relationship even and say, Don’t worry, I got you. We’re never going to make you feel that pain again. And that blueprint, or those lessons would work really well. If the person you’re currently into was your ex, there’s this part of us that like really wants to that’s like controlling protective part. That’s like, Greta, I got you. You’re never going to feel this way. ever again. It helps you like be cautious around people who might feel similarly what if there’s this person who like you’re picking because they’re not like your ex? And it’s like, what am I fearful of in this person? Is it fair for me to put that kind of cautiousness on this person who hasn’t earned it? Or deserved it? You know? What’s What makes me think about that a little bit? How does that feel to hear, by the way, kind of just poking at fear a little bit?

Greta  39:18

That feels good. Yeah. Because I would love to be able to challenge that feeling that I get inside my body that’s like, run, get away from me, like, I’ve always wanted to have closeness and intimacy and love and like, it was amazing when I had that with my ex. And so I want to be open to receiving that again, but it’s just so scary.

Dr. Monica Band  39:49

Absolutely. And what’s more important, that fear or your need to be close to someone. I don’t have that answer, but sometimes it can feel other Yeah, sometimes Corrine let me check in on you. How did that feel to watch Greta, work through that with me.

Corrine  40:11

Very relatable. Like Greta, I’ve always been the kind of person that really wants close intimate relationships. And like, now that I’m in this phase of healing, where I am, like, going out and like meeting new people, and like being intimate with new people, I also find myself very, very guarded. And on one hand, I’m like, It’s understandable. Like, I just got out of something very serious. But also, this doesn’t feel like me.

Greta  40:46

Yeah, I like haven’t let anybody come to my house. Because I’m like, I don’t want you to see like, my bedroom with photos of me as a child and my parents and like, I don’t want you to be in my space. This is like, my personal area. And I haven’t told, really anybody that I have seen over the last year, how much I am afraid of being in a new relationship and how I’m so scared of being intimate with somebody new.

Dr. Monica Band  41:25

How would you each know, when you’re ready to look? For something more serious?

Greta  41:31

Yeah, it’s a good question. Um, in the last month or so I have felt like, okay, maybe I could see myself being with somebody new for real this time. And I have shared that with this person. And we’re kind of trying to figure out what that means. And like how, how my, like fears of intimacy are showing up and like, how I can work through it. And because I do want to, yeah, so I only recently shared that with somebody.

Dr. Monica Band  42:11

Corrine, same question. How would you know you’re ready for something more serious or long term?

Corrine  42:21

I’m, I’m not sure. I definitely don’t want to like, force it. I think it’ll kind of just come naturally, like when I do eventually meet the right person, I suppose. Which I’m hoping isn’t for a while, I’m hoping that they take their time getting here because I could use a little space.

Dr. Monica Band  42:46

Help me understand that I can use a little space because?

Corrine  42:51

Because I am still healing. And it’s only been like, four months at this point. I could definitely use more time to do the things that I’ve wanted to do that I felt like being on a relationship held me back from like, I want some, like solo time to just kind of find out, like who I am and what I like.

Dr. Monica Band  43:14

So healing for you. Your healing journey looks like focusing on the things you love reintroducing yourself to yourself, maybe that’s going to therapy, maybe that’s focusing on your career or your hobbies. Is there anything else I missed? For either of you? What is your healing journey look like?

Greta  43:35

I think also like, pouring into existing relationships and friendships like, I got so much closer with all my friends after my breakup, because they were there to support me. And I learned so much about myself and what I need and what I want and about who I want in my life and how to build my existing relationships.

Dr. Monica Band  44:01

Could you all have made some of this personal growth without the breakup? And heartbreak?

Greta  44:10

That’s a really hard question.

Corrine  44:13

Yeah, that’s something that I definitely thought about a lot. Because that’s always what I wanted. I was like, I really want to grow within this relationship. But at the same time, there was this comfort where I felt like I don’t really need to like, maybe achieve as much as I wanted to prior to the relationship. And like, I think also, there was the fact that my ex partner definitely had some like, jealousy, resentment towards Greta, and the role that she played in my life. And I think that that’s something that like, now I know for sure, like, I won’t put up with that in future relationships because Greta is always going to be my life partner. And that’s just something you’re gonna have to deal with.

Dr. Monica Band  45:07

Yes. Okay. Greta, you said it was a hard question. But I’m going to push a little bit and hold ourselves accountable to it just to see if there was, there is an answer for you, as we wind down here, which is, could you have made some of this personal growth have some of these insights without the heartbreak?

Greta  45:25

I think so. But I think it would have taken a long time. I feel like it was like, a very risen from the ashes kind of thing where, like, everything that I knew had been like, burned to the ground, and I had to like, figure out my relationship with myself and what I liked, and my hobbies and all that stuff. And like communication, and I learned so much so fast, and it was awesome. Like, I’m so happy to be where I am. But yeah, it was kind of like really fast and like, hard and crazy.

Dr. Monica Band  46:12

So my last question for you both today. Well, after all this, is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Corrine  46:22

Yeah. I guess so.

Dr. Monica Band  46:30

We got a reluctant.

Corrine  46:32

Yeah, I think so. I was forced to learn a lot about myself. And even if it was really hard, I think it was really necessary. And I think, again, like now I know what I want in my next relationship, what I won’t stand for. And I also know what I want to work on and get better at and like what I need to be aware of like, my triggers, I think, as much as I didn’t want it to be it was a learning experience.

Greta  47:05

That’s so true. As much as I didn’t want it to be. As much as I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t want to go through it. It was horrible and awful. It was in the end. Yeah, I guess it was worth it.

Dr. Monica Band  47:23

Well, folks, we have our answer. It is in fact better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But like we heard, it’s not an easy journey. Regaining trust in yourself should be your focus, not relying on someone who you’re healing from. Yes, it’s scary. And yes, it takes time. But the last thing we want is to let our past dictate our future, and hold us back from new experiences. Like for example, new relationships. As a therapist, the most common questions I get about heartbreak are when will the pain end? When will I stop thinking about this person? These questions are even more for people who are totally caught off guard by a breakup, like Corinne was. What I do know and I can promise you is that the pain will dull as all pain does. Those loud intrusive critical thoughts will quiet down over time. Sure, you’ll think about this person every now and then and wonder where they are, who they’re with. But the meaning of your relationship evolves, as you do. While we might not be able to 100% eliminate the pain that comes with losing someone we care about, we can make it suck a little less by following Greta and Corrine’s example and prioritizing the people who see our true value. Thank you so much Greta and Corrine for your time and vulnerability. This is I need to ask you something. And I’m your host, Dr. Monica band. See you next week. Next time on I need to ask you something.

CREDITS 48:57

There’s more I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING with Lemonada Premium. Subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content. There’s so many things we talk about and we’re barely scratching the surface. Tune in to learn more about what it means to be a perfectionist, to be conflict avoidant. And how to ask for help. I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING is a Lemonada Media original. I’m Dr. Monica Band, the host of this show and a consultant with the Jed foundation. Crystal Genesis is our supervising producer. Giulia Hjort is our producer, and Rachel Lightner is our producer and audio engineer. Tess Novotny is our associate producer. Mixing and Original Music by Bobby Woody, additional mixing by Ivan Kuraev. Special thanks to Kelsey Henderson and the members of our youth focus group. Maria Perry, […] Erica Familia, Kofi Green and Cloud Ben. Jackie Danziger is our VP of narrative content. Executive Producers are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. This show was created in partnership with the Jed Foundation, a nonprofit that protects emotional health and prevent suicide for our nation’s teens and young adults. This series is presented by HOPE Lab with, Stupski Foundation and Lumina Foundation. Visit I needtoaskyousomething.org or use the link in the show notes for resources related to today’s episode. Follow I need to ask you something wherever you get your podcasts or listen at free on Amazon music with your Prime membership