4: Dreaming of Kids and Costco Memberships

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This week’s episode is all about the joys and heartbreak of parenting. Sy struggles to navigate life as a transgender parent and worries how some of their parenting decisions may affect their child. They also realize that in order to move forward, they need to have a tough conversation with their own father. Chloe has always wanted to have a family and thought that she had permanently closed the door on having biological children after she transitioned, but learns this may not be the case, causing her to face a difficult dilemma.



Sy, Chloe, Mariana, Fernando, Laura, Speaker 6, Speaker 8, Stephanie, Cadence

Sy  00:06

I am a transgender and non-binary 40-year-old legal assistant living in Los Angeles, California with my partner Robert and our three-year-old son Egon.

Chloe  00:19

Stephanie Barbosa is my good friend who is also my trainer. Today, we’re going to even the playing field a little bit and go hit some balls at a driving range.

Speaker 8  00:29

Not all trans people take hormones. But for those of us who do decide to take hormones, it becomes your reality for your life.

Chloe  00:37

One of the most painful aspects of transitioning is that so many things fall out of your life. As tough as it is. It’s nowhere near as difficult as going through life living as something other than your authentic self.

Mariana  00:51


Sy  01:23

This is my friend. This is Ty, were having a picnic at the park, which is one of our favorite things to do in LA. Jeff is here. Amazing. Chloe is here.

Chloe  02:15

This is a really nice neighborhood.

Sy  02:16

Mariana is here. And she also brought her coworker Cadence.

Cadence  02:27

I went to my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, because I really want my surgery. Knowing my breasts.

Mariana  02:34

Going to the doctor is something that a lot of trans people try to avoid. Because all misgendering and all this stuff that happen. I remember also being in recovery and having a doctor or a nurse coming in. And they bring in all the students to see me and I used to be like, there with my legs open. And they’re like, okay, come and see this. Is that  okay if we take a look like, they’re already, like, be my guest, […] In that moment. It was ugly, but it’s pretty. It’s funny when they asked you also, I mean, in the file supposed to say like, you’re trans. And they you’re still asking about like, you know, are you pregnant? And I’m like, no, I’ve been trying, but it’s not possible yet.

Sy  03:26

When I went on T, one of the first questions was like, what is menopause look like on T, and my doctor was like, you’re not gonna go through menopause. And I was like, what is that mean?

Mariana  03:36

Have you also heard about that? I didn’t say insurance or with the transparent also taking care of even when I became a parent or something like that. I think Kaiser also cover like..

Sy  03:47

Freezing your eggs, or whatever. Yeah, I know, they asked me about it when I was going through it because I already had a kid and they don’t want any more kids, but they did ask me.

Cadence  03:57

I don’t even know nothing about it until later on, you know, now, like I already been on my hormone for I think for three months already. You know, I’m like, too late now. You know?

Sy  04:12

The reality is, when you’re talking about fertility and transgender issues, and hormone replacement therapy, it’s such a minefield, a lot of trans people, both male, female and non-binary, are told the minute you start hormone replacement therapy, the factory is closed for good. You will never have your own biological children. That’s complicated.

Mariana  04:44

But I don’t think that’s me. I mean, becoming a mom is a big responsibility. I mean, like, I want to be a stepmom probably, like, you know, it’s a lot.

Chloe  04:54

Yeah, they did ask me about that, but I didn’t have any prospects on the horizon. And it was so expensive. I just couldn’t afford it. I just didn’t see a way to make it happen. And so, that was kind of where I was at the time. That’s kind of it. It’s all in the past now. I always want a family I come from, you know, a family with lots of aunts, and uncles, and cousins and all of that stuff. And I do feel a sense of loss. So, I don’t know, like, that’s always kind of nod at me and just have spelt a little, just a twinge.

Sy  05:39

Have you ever talked to like a fertility doctor or anybody more recently about what your options are at this point?

Chloe  05:47

I haven’t just because they kind of told me like, that’s it.

Sy  05:51

You know, they tell you that and they like for me the same. And yet, like, I’ve met people who that wasn’t true for and I don’t know, I don’t know a lot about trans femme stuff and the medical aspect of it, but there are for sure are trans people who’ve had kids. But I also don’t want to tell you things possible that like is like I don’t know. But I think it’s worth having a conversation with someone. I mean, you never know. Right? Yeah. A tiny Chloe wandering around the world would be amazing, first of all. Finally running out garbage bags. After like three years. Does it mean we have to rejoin Costco?

Laura  06:55

Wow. I admit to a certain amount of jealousy when people with the preschool will talk about their Costco runs.

Sy  07:05

We’re doing some housecleaning, Egon has so many toys, and especially now that he’s getting older, we really want to teach them the value of getting rid of things that you’re not using anymore, and maybe donating them to another kid, never buying anything from there, and it’s always too much stuff. We’re gonna put all of these toys in this bag, so it’s easy to bring to another kid. So that we can keep this plastic box. stinky, stinky. Bag, it’s just an empty

Laura  07:34

Smell nice until we put garbage in.

Sy  07:37

We’re not gonna put any garbage in this bag, we’re only gonna put toys, like this book, is a book for babies. You don’t even like to read this book, only babies like it. So we’re gonna put it in his bag. All of these toys are toys you don’t play with

Laura  07:59

These toys that are gonna make another kid happy.

Sy  08:03

You feel sad about it? You don’t look very happy. When it comes to navigating life as a queer parent, and as a transgender parent, I don’t have anyone to turn to. I don’t have any friends who are queer parents. And that can be really isolating and hard. So for me, it’s, you know, I have no idea what I’m doing. Robert and I don’t have any particular parenting philosophy, but I think we’re both very much on the same page that we want to raise a kid who’s kind and who considers other people. I was gonna say like, it’s drive over to Goodwill and donate them. I don’t think he can to be really honest.

Chloe  09:29

I’ve been doing a lot of my own research after talking to Sy about whether I can still have biological children on my own and even spoke with a fertility doctor and found out that it is possible for me to have biological children of my own. I’m early on in my transition, but not so early that everything is working the way that it used to. For me to have biological children on my own. I would have to go off hormones for a long time to kind of kickstart my system again so that I could produce a viable specimen. So that is a lot. It’s kind of mind blowing to think that, to hear that, to know that, to trust that I may actually be able to have children of my own. And I thought that door was shut forever. And this one piece of information has just in a split second created a laundry list of questions and thoughts and feelings, and I, now I, now I have to go back and start all over and think these things through. And it’s wonderful that there’s an opportunity. There’s a lot to process here. And I kind of need some outside perspective. So I’m gonna give my brother a call. Hey, how’s it going? So my brother is younger than me. And we’ve had a very interesting relationship over time. And I feel like we’re in a really good spot now. And he’s been a dad for, you know, going on six years now. So it’s really nice to see him grow as a person and just relate to people in different ways. Yeah, so I’ve been thinking about, I’ve been thinking about a lot, but I really wanted to touch base with you on it. I could potentially have biological kids of my own. And I don’t really know what to do. You know, I’m not with anyone. And I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. […] Yeah, you’re probably right, I need to sit with that for a little bit longer.

Speaker 6  12:00

That’s not an easy decision. I love my kids, they’re a lot of fun. Challenging at points and times, are not always easiest. But there’s a lot of things that are great about them. But there’s a lot of stuff that changes your life. Not a decision that anybody else can make but yourself.

Chloe  12:27

Like all the logistical pieces don’t make sense. But there’s still this pole to like, have, you know, to have kids but I don’t know.

Speaker 6  12:37

[…] A big obstacle because that’s the way it goes, you figure things out. I don’t know that I was ready to have kids. Some days I still don’t know when I’m ready to have kids, but I love them. They’re not easy, but at the same time, there’s days where I’ve had a terrible day and they just kind of come running up to me and give me a hug. And it makes it better. Other times where they are decorating cookies and throw sprinkles all over the kitchen or I’m laying on the floor and somebody sits on my face. […]

Chloe  13:22

Yeah, I’ve got photographic proof of that. It is because it didn’t happen to me that’s why it’s funny. […] You know, the dream of having kids is something I always had growing up in wanting a family and wanting to take you know the great things that I had and you know, take other opportunities to make other things better. And you know, just to give my nephew some cousins to play with and be able to relate with people on a different level of shared experiences like my brother like I hear how much it means for him to be a father and how good he is at it. I do see my brother and my nephews; I see them grow in his way I see them act like him. I want to be able to relate to that as well. And you know, I a lot of times I feel like maybe I’m missing out on something.

Sy  14:43

Wearing my dapper boy shirt today. No I’d say a company that makes clothes for trans-masc people and like, that’s really well which is better than I can say for a lot of men’s clothing.

Laura  14:59

Babe, one of the reasons why I married you […] both your clothing and mine. So

Sy  15:06

Well, I’m very picky about my clothing. And I think I always have been and I wouldn’t be picky about your clothing if you want.

Laura  15:13

That’s fair. Yeah. But that does look really nice.

Sy  15:18

So yeah, I’ve been thinking about the school stuff, where we’re sending Egon next year, what the plan is for him. And yeah, I just have, I just don’t know the right answer.

Laura  15:29

What’s the worst-case scenario?

Sy  15:32

Some of it does hinge for me on our family and our identities. And Egon.. Egon’s three, and he’s in preschool right now, which means that it’s time for us to decide what we’re doing with Egon for his schooling for like kindergarten and beyond. I mean, right now, it’s, you know, I don’t know how important or apparent it is, because we’re talking about two schools that are both very diverse. But like, yeah, there is a tiny part of me, that worries that there won’t be queer families, or there won’t be any kind of space for me as a transgender parent and a non-binary parent, I worry, it’s going to be my kid gets taught that our family isn’t a real family, or that something is wrong with the way we’re raising him.

Laura  16:33

Yeah, like one of my most deep-rooted fears about raising our kid is that he’s gonna get bullied, harassed the same way I was. And I know that, like, there will come a time when he’s going to come to me and you know, say like, what do I do, and I will have no ability to help him. Other than sort of instill a strong sense of self-worth, and hope that lasts through the torment of 12 years of you know, institutional education.

Sy  17:10

Cramped down his little spirit. Fighting for myself, but understanding that that fight affects my kid in both positive and potentially negative ways. It is hard for me and feels scary to me that my kid will always be different. Because of who I am, in a way that has nothing to do with him. But always will.

Laura  17:35

What is your death? Like? He’s a pediatrician. He, like, yeah, like, worst with kids and those kids and had four kids? I mean, I was just a little different in Louisiana than California.

Sy  17:52

I mean, it’s a loaded question. Do you know that I haven’t come out to my dad, like in those words.

Laura  18:09

I don’t think I knew that you’re out to your dad. Like, I’m not surprised. But, why haven’t you?

Mariana  18:24

I didn’t want to jeopardize, or like unnecessarily risk our relationship in a world where I don’t need my dad’s permission to transition over to come out or to live. So my dad and I have a really close relationship. I’ve always been pretty gender non-conforming, and my dad has always taken it in stride. But he doesn’t know that I’m trans. He still calls me by my old name, and he still uses she her pronouns to refer to me. He’s the only one in my family who doesn’t know and then I haven’t come out to. And that’s because when I came out to my mom, she didn’t take it very well. And we really need a time to work on our relationship. And I was worried that the same thing would happen, and I would lose both parents or have a long time when, you know, I didn’t get along with either of my parents.

Laura  19:22

Well, I mean, here’s the I’ve never, I don’t think I’ve ever come out as anything to anybody. For what happens when this comes out

Mariana  19:38

the podcasts Yeah, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do about that.

Chloe  20:00

Hi, Laura, how are you? How’s your day going?

Laura  20:04

Good, good. I’m very busy. I am running on fumes.

Chloe  20:09

Laura is a trans woman who had done hormone replacement therapy and with her cisgender partner was able to have a biological child of their own and went through this whole process. I was introduced to her through a fertility doctor.

Laura  20:28

Very authentic to the parenting.

Chloe  20:32

Yes, the authentic experience. Knowing what I know now, I mean, I think what I would have to do is figure myself out financially. I’m a little bit better off now than I was not too long ago, both financially mentally, and I still don’t have a partner either. So we’re still talking about freezing samples, I would need to go off of hormones, I need to get myself mentally ready. hormone replacement therapy has been incredibly important to my mental health and mental well-being. And to know that I would likely have to walk that back. I still have questions. So I’m really looking forward to learning more on the human level of what that was like. How many kids do you have?

Laura  21:21

I just have one right now. A little kooky.

Chloe  21:25

I’m actually really thankful that you’re willing to have this conversation. Just found out that having kids for me would be a possibility. And I was just wondering what your experience has been like?

Laura  21:40

Well, where do I start? It was tough. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had been on HRT for six years. For me, HRT was lifesaving, it changed everything for me. So the idea of having to go off, and in my situation, I had no idea if it would even be working, like doctors didn’t know anything. And I would get into it for three months, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I get too depressed. Like I go right back to where I was before starting HRT. It was awful. It was awful. The third attempt that I was actually able to sustain it. And it took a whole year before I was fertile again. And it was bad. I see myself in pictures. And I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

Chloe  22:42

That sounds so incredibly difficult that in and I envision I see this happening, where I would struggle through the same exact things, you know, the thought of going back there again, honestly, terrifies me.

Laura  22:55

It’s something that you can’t really prepare for. Like once I stopped the blockers and I stopped estradiol, it was full force full throttle, like puberty. My facial hair came back and like, I don’t know, it was hard to tell what was me just being dysphoric and what was actually happening. But it was a lot happening. I don’t know. You have to really mentally prepare for. Like, it’s I say literally, you have to be mentally prepared to go out of your mind. Even your thoughts and feelings become something you don’t recognize.

Chloe  23:50

Oh my gosh, Were you supported?

Laura  23:53

Yeah, I didn’t have anyone. All I had was Joanne My partner Joanne. Like I was alienating people because I was like, nuts on testosterone. I couldn’t be around so many people. So I became a dog walker. The biggest support system was Joanne and so all day, this is me walking around New York City feeling dysphoric with all these dogs.

Chloe  24:24

What drove you to keep going through this process? Like what was that thing that you hung on to through all this difficulties?

Laura  24:32

I had a dream about the baby. Like, really realistic. Again, I saw the little brown curls and I saw like me and Joanna at the beach. And like she was she had this like satisfaction on her face. And I had this little kid hanging around. And I would think about that. But I will also say that I have a lot of trouble recommending it to people or like telling people. Yeah, do it, you’ll be fine. Because I know a lot of people won’t be able to do it. Because this is so, so hard. It’s such a difficult journey. But I mean, I have this baby over here. She’s right over there. That kid is the love of my life. It’s something that’s that you can’t really prepare for.

Chloe  25:41

This is incredibly difficult. On the one hand, it sounds like I’m going to struggle mentally, to an extreme amount. And on the other side is, I have to wonder, is there any price too steep to pay, to have a family to achieve a dream that I’ve always had? And I’ve always paid the prices that I needed to and maybe, maybe this is just another example of that. Well, maybe we can talk again sometime.

Laura  26:16

I’d love that. Let’s stay at contact.

Chloe  26:21

Sounds good. I’ll talk to you later. Have a great night. Okay, wow. That was a lot. As a whole lot.

Sy  26:53

This is Sy, it’ Saturday afternoon. Took Egon to the farm and some friends came home. And the reality is, I have to come out to my dad. I can’t put it off any longer. Coming into doing this podcast, I knew I needed to come out to my dad. And even though I knew I needed to come out to my dad, I just continued to put it off. Even as you know, this crew came and started following me around and recording my life for a podcast and you know, this group of strangers all know all of these intimate details about my life. I still haven’t told my dad that I’m transgender. I’m worried about my dad’s feelings. I didn’t tell him for such a long time. So I’m about to call my dad and come out. For privacy reasons. I can’t do it live on mic. But it’s definitely a scary and intimidating moment. And I’m feeling really nervous about it. I’m feeling really worried. This is the last good conversation I’m going to have with my dad. Could I have the Craftsman 1903 Lager? I also know what I want to eat if that’s okay, but if you want to come back, that’s fine. Could I have the kale and quinoa salad. This Sy, it’s been a stressful weekend. And honestly, I could use a drink to decompress so I’m meeting up with Jeff for a nightcap and some food. Jeff is sober and while I normally would not order a drink in that situation, Jeff feels like you know, people should behave as they normally would around him despite his sobriety, which is one of my favorite things about him.

Speaker 8  29:08

And I’m gonna get the French dip. […] Actually, yeah, a coke.

Sy  29:19

So I came out to my dad last week.

Speaker 8  29:25

You did what? And this is like, I this has been happening to me so much lately where I feel so close to somebody and then there’s some little nugget of information that I’m shocked that I don’t know. Here’s the backstory on this. You’re so confident in the out in my mind.

Sy  29:45

Yeah, I’ve been confident I’ve been out broadly like to like family and friends and like my community for like, a year and a half, two years. This weekend. I called my dad and I was just like, hey, I just talked to you about something, it’s kind of heavy. And this isn’t really how I wanted you to find out that wants to talk to you face to face about it. But I wanted to tell you that I’m transgender. And he was like, yeah, I know. Your step mother has Facebook. I wish like he wasn’t like, yeah, it was much less a reveal and much more. My dad was not surprised. He was completely wonderful about it. And it wasn’t even not surprised in that, like, oh, I always knew kind of way but he was like, yeah, like, you know, watching your life, watching who you are watching, you know, your family, evolve. It was pretty obvious. That’s what was going

Speaker 8  30:49

Have you talked to your dad since?

Mariana  30:51

FaceTime with Egon like, once to recover three weeks? It’d be weird if I was like, suddenly calling in.

Speaker 8  31:00

Hold on. So you have been Face Timing with your dad this whole time and you’ve never, how?

Sy  31:10

This went on for so long that I just kept not saying anything. And he kept on saying anything. I’m like I’ve had times in my life where I think this is why it doesn’t surprise my dad and why. Like he’s and a lot of questions. Is because like, yeah, like, I’ve been like, I’ve been pretty like gender non-conforming my whole life. But with and I knew I was on binary. But yeah, so like, in a certain way that my dad’s always known because I’ve always been personally am and like, a lot about like, what, like my personality like just has not changed. Really interesting thing, right to see somebody medically transition right in front of your eyes. And like, you just see them as who they are. Which is that’s like the goal, but it’s also very weird.

Speaker 8  32:01

And you also kind of like have the audacity to be like, he won’t know.

Sy  32:06

I was legitimately scared. And every time I have to come out to someone, and there are any stakes, I’m always worried that like, oh, this is about to go south. He thought that he always like he thought that he was always in on it. So try the best possible way could go down. I kept thinking you would notice and say something. Different.

Speaker 8  32:34

And he’s just being polite.

Sy  32:37

My dad he’s like the most laid back honestly, go with the flow leg. But yeah, I mean, when it went about as well as it could possibly go, like the only way it could have been better. It’s my dad was like, wow, congratulations. I’m proud of you.

Speaker 8  32:57

I have a friend who had happened to she came out to her mother said Mom, I’m a lesbian. And her mom goes I am, too.

Stephanie  33:13

Whoa, wow, I stepped into it though.

Chloe  33:18

Went 100 yards. Stephanie and I have been going to the driving range of […] and we’re getting better and no matter what. It’s fun. We always have a good time.

Stephanie  33:29

I’m gonna go really high. We should take a trampling class they don’t really do much. But they’re fine.

Chloe  33:43

They’re fine. Like what like now I’m certainly feel comfortable with myself. Like your classes have helped a lot with that. And just time and like getting growing more comfortable myself. Like, I want to have these new experiences like I want to travel. I love travel. Travel is like my favorite thing. But I’ve been afraid to travel for the past five years.

Stephanie  33:57

Yeah. Well, let’s go. It’s on the ground. I’m hitting it.

Chloe  34:10

Well, I found out like for the longest time, I thought that I couldn’t have biological children. Turns out if I might be able to. If I go off hormones for like a year.

Stephanie  34:20

You like kids?

Chloe  34:21

Yeah, I do. Like, in order to do that, I have to go off hormones for a year, at least in that would probably destroy me. So I talked to this girl who did it. And she has a child now. And she said it was by far the hardest thing she’s ever done. But I don’t know that I can handle that mentally, physically, emotionally. Yeah, so I don’t know.

Stephanie  34:45

And I hear that. You know, I feel like I’m at the age to freeze my eggs but I don’t know. I’m kind of leaning towards not because what my body has to go through to like harvest. I know that you have come to the budget hormones. Yeah. And the eggs that you usually produce a per month are like on steroids, you produce a lot more. And I know that your body goes through a very, very heavy, like emotional and mental and physical strain just to get this. And it’s actually better if the egg is fertilized. And yeah, so almost like not have to pick a sperm.

Chloe  35:29

All that for a maybe.

Stephanie  35:31

For a maybe. And I feel like it was something that I should have done a while ago. So my body could handle it.

Chloe  35:38

It sounds like we’d actually be going through some of the same stuff with like, all the hormone changes.

Stephanie  35:42

Yeah, yeah. And I’m at a place with what am I going to do with that egg? Like, I’m 36. I am a child of parents who are very much older. And I definitely don’t want to be an old parents. Like, I didn’t realize how much of an impact that it had on my life. But like, my dad had a heart attack, and I had to call 911. And it’s just something that I still don’t think I want to put my children through, like, I’m 36 right now, like, next year in May, I’m going to be 37. Like, you’re older than me, like, how do you like, what do you even like, and you’d like, I’m not on the path to doing that. even close to that. I don’t have anybody. I think it’s great. But I don’t think it’s for me. So I’m going to be selfish. And I don’t think I want children. But all the power to the people who do.

Chloe  36:39

Absolutely. You know, I don’t think that’s selfish, though. Like, that’s just me like, I don’t think it is.

Stephanie  36:46

But yeah, no, I think it’s something that you really need to think about, like literally, how old do you feel? Because you kind of lived, so much of your life as one person. And now you’re living your life as another person.

Chloe  36:59

I feel like I’d be in my mid, you know, low to mid-20s.

Stephanie  37:03

All right, well, then forget where there are low to mid-20s. And that’s how we feel. And that’s how we operate.

Chloe  37:07

I like that. So many of my friends have kids, and they’re all very enriched by them. And but it’s a very different life. Because I just started living my life for the most part, like in ways that I want to.

Stephanie  37:21

You just started. So do you want to shut that down?

Chloe  37:25

That’s a lot. This is where I usually make a joke and run away from the conversation.

Stephanie  37:30

Yes, but you can’t, because I shall not let you leave. But I feel like when you’re a parent, like you have to give your life, like your full self and everything that you have extra, it goes to them. And I in a way, like I feel like I’m doing that with my parents right now. Like any extra like, anything, like any extra money that I have. And like what can I do for my parents? It goes to them and it goes to them without even saying, it’s not like your life is over. Deliver for your kid, but like it is that you want to give everything that you have for that person. And that’s what gives you life and that’s what gives you joy. Like, are you ready to do that?

Chloe  38:17

That’s tough.

Sy  38:32

I’m okay. How’s it going?

Speaker 8  38:35

It’s going good, going good. Watching the 9 O’clock news.

Sy  38:38

While you’re like the last person who still watches the news. Robert and I are still undecided about school for Egon in the fall and exactly what we’re going to do. My dad’s definitely been asking about it. So I’m going to see what he thinks. Okay. But yeah, you know, we’re getting close to the time where we have to figure out what we’re doing with Egon for school next year.

Speaker 8  38:58

[…] Co-op school. Still this year?

Sy  39:03

Yeah, this year, he’s at the co-op preschool. And then in August, he will start real school. If you got to pick where you Egon goes to school, where would you send Egon?

Speaker 8  39:12

All my questions have kinda, you know, not necessarily given you advice, but you know, helping you to think about the different issues. Do you want any kind of special program or do you want him to experience diverse cultures? That or maybe not the same as this whole culture? It just depends on whether that’s important to you.

Sy  39:38

I mean, with all of this stuff, you know, I’m a planner, every stage of Egon’s life. I’ve been that person who’s like, bought the baby book. Read up on everything. When should he be hitting this milestone? A little bit helicopter. I should have a parent maybe.

Speaker 8  39:54

As a parent, I always wanted the best for y’all a problem up probably was too much the helicopter dad kind of rose to the level of almost being like an abusive parent when I got all upset, given sermons about, you know, you’re going to live under the bridge, who would have when you got like zeroes and homework, and I was freaking out.

Sy  40:21

I will say that like the current philosophy, and I’m curious if it’s because we’re a generation of kids who all got told that we are going to live under a bridge, if we don’t do our homework, when he doesn’t do his homework, we’re just gonna put him on the phone with you. So it’s fine. Do you feel like, like, if you had to do it again, would you like be equally as helicopter ish? Or would you chill out a little bit?

Speaker 8  40:45

I think definitely, I would chill out. I just wanted to have you be successful and to learn and put yourselves in a situation where you could be independent, knowledgeable people when you’re an adult.

Sy  40:58

It’s nice to talk to you about this stuff. Like, now suddenly, like he’s a kid, and I’d kind of hadn’t even snuck up on me. And I hadn’t even thought about like, oh, I should be asking my parents for kid parent advice. But yeah, I mean, as someone who at this stage in the game is, you know, a visibly queer parent. I feel like, that’s just something that like, this isn’t in the books. And I do probably overthink it more than the average person. And I probably do have just that tiny little bit of like, is he going to be okay? Are we going to be okay? How can I prepare myself for what happens when Egon goes to school and for every other stage of his childhood? How can I prepare him?

Speaker 8  41:57

As a parent, you always want to feel like you did the best thing for your child, especially if you’re a parent of values, education, I mean, you’re fallible, all humans are fallible, and you’re not necessarily always going to make the right choices. But you just have to do what you think is right at the time, and then go for it.

Sy  42:27

Yeah, I know. It feels really good to have come out to my dad and know that our relationship hasn’t changed. And it feels fuller, now that I can come to him about the issues that they face as a queer parent. But thank you for the long conversation. I’m always going to worry about the job I’m doing as a parent, there’s always going to be struggles as Egon gets older, you know, it just gets more complicated. But knowing that I have my dad in my corner, I have always had my dad in my corner. Take a little bit of the edge off,

Chloe  43:09

Oh boy, this is Chloe I am at LAX, about to head to Atlanta for work. Going to work a volunteer summits and kind of like, get together with my teammates, because I work remotely. So it’ll be fun. It’ll be interesting. I like to travel. So not really a problem for me. Other than the long, long flights. I’m waiting for my flight to board. And I don’t know why the airports always make me feel a little introspective. Maybe it’s the beginning or ending of a journey. I don’t know what it is. But I’m thinking a lot about the idea of having a family of my own right now. And now is not the right time for me to actively seek reproduction. My job is going well my career is taking off a little bit. I’m finally settling in; I’m gaining the confidence that I need and I’m living in a place that I love. And there’s a lot going on in my life and I still have a lot of my medical transition to get through. And I even have some procedures right around the corner. There’s two conflicting feelings right now. One is a sense of loss, and one is a sense of relief, loss in that I can’t necessarily have every single thing that I want right now even though I feel like I deserve it sometimes. Relief in actually having made a decision and that I made it myself, I do believe that when a child is meant to enter into my life, it’ll happen, it’ll happen in some time and it’ll happen the way it’s supposed to.

Fernando  46:56

BEING: TRANS is an audio reality original from Lemonada Media’s BEING studios, executive producers are Jessica Cordova Kramer, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Kasey Barrett. Our co-executive producer is Sele Leota. Our associate producer is Myrriah Gossett and our assistant producer is Greta Stromquist. Our consulting producer is Sarah Jossel, Scott Hanlon is our audio supervisor and field Recordist with additional field recording by Maurice Mahiya. Makes him sound designed by David Herman and Michael Raphael. Additional mix sound design and consultation by Ivan Kuraev. Our music is by Signature Tracks. Special thanks to the Hot Donna’s club and the Glendale room. BEING: TRANS is brought to you with generous support from the Marguerite Casey Foundation and Wellbeing Trust. You can find us online at @LemonadaMedia and connect with us across all social platforms. Subscribe to Lemonada Media on Apple podcasts you hear bonus content, deleted scenes and more from our cast. If you like what you heard today, please tell your family and friends to listen and subscribe. Rate and review us on Spotify, Apple, Stitcher or wherever you get your podcasts. Until next time, thanks for listening and thanks for BEING.

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