Michael and Pele have been together since high school. From marriage, to having kids, to picking up and moving around to multiple NFL cities, they’ve developed lots of opinions about just about everything. One topic they have a lot of opinions about? S-E-X. In this episode, they explore communication in the bedroom, the use of sex as a bargaining chip in relationships, and the idea of a #sexualwarmup.
[00:30] Michael Bennett: The other night, me and Pele were talking. And I was talking about how in relationships, couples get mad at each other for the simplest things. How do you stay in a relationship where big things matter, small things matter, too, but we’re not so hard on each other about the smallest things? Let’s just say one of my friends told me his wife told him that she’s not gonna have sex with him anymore because — or she doesn’t want to have sex with him because sometimes she folds up the clothes and he takes the clothes out and he leaves them on the floor. And that’s the reason why I don’t want to fuck you. And I was thinking like, damn, that’s kind of harsh to be in a relationship with each other and some of the simplest things that we take so serious — are they really that serious? Are they really worth our anger or are they really worth our attention? Does it really mess up our relationship? Are they worth it?
[01:11] Pele Bennett: I think it depends on the person. Because like you just said, if something is big, you know, to the woman, and the husband is thinking that it’s not a big deal, he has to almost come down a notch and be like, oh, this actually is a big deal in her mind. So how do you come to that agreement over that issue?
[01:30] Michael Bennett: But my thing sex is something that I feel like a woman should not use as a weapon. Like women are using that as a weapon. They’re using it as a bargaining chip in a relationship. If you don’t do this, you’re not getting no ass. If you’re not doing this, you’re not getting no head. That’s a lot for a man to have to deal with. Of course, some of the strict guidelines I’m living in Russia if a woman is using her vagina as a bargaining chip. That’s unfair for the husband. Because a man can’t do that because a woman can go so much longer without sex in than a man can.
[01:59] Pele Bennett: Hold on. Now, let’s stop there. Right there. You just said it yourself. You just said a woman can go without sex longer than a man, that she’ll be fine. Is that true? No, it’s not. A man expresses himself sexually differently from a woman. So I see why a woman could use that as a weapon, which I don’t agree is right — or actually maybe wrong depending on the situation. But it’s different how a man can do it than a woman.
[02:27] Michael Bennett: I feel like in a relationship, the bedroom should be the tranquil spot of the couple’s life. Where if the day is going crazy, when they crossed their line into their bedroom, it becomes a euphoric place where they could come and be together and spiritually share something, whether their body or their mind. Something where other people don’t weigh on their decisions. Because a person can have a rough day, they come home and take that rough day out on their family.
[02:56] Pele Bennett: Yeah, that’s true. I mean, I agree with that. What are you saying that as far as like the bedroom, though?
[03:01] Michael Bennett: I’m saying that I feel like we should not take simple things and turn it into something more than what it really is. If a person feels that they’re not being appreciated, I get that. But I feel that pride comes before the fall in that situation.
[03:13] Pele Bennett: Right. But you were also talking about sex, though. But I’m saying that actually is a great issue. As a woman, not saying is she entitled of withholding sex from a man. But is that right or wrong? Because actually, I remember when we were first in the league and we moved down and around and everything, and one of the chaplains that we spoke with, I won’t say their names, but I remember being in like a couples Bible study, and he mentioned that. He said, “hey, ladies, whatever you guys do, please do not hold out on your men.” He was referring to sex. He didn’t say that in the Bible study, but he said don’t use that against them.
[03:46] Michael Bennett: It’s like taxes, like when they withhold your earnings.
[03:51] Pele Bennett: But my thing when he said that, I got it from that point. At the same time, I truly feel that every relationship is different. So behind doors, there is a reason. So what is the reason that this woman is saying that she wants to hold it from him?
[04:07] Michael Bennett: What I’m saying is, in a relationship, do we hold the simplest things to keep us from really reaching our potential in a relationship? Talking about the smallest things. If you don’t wash dishes or something, is it my job to be on you about washing dishes when I know you probably have other intent of doing it? But at the same time, things happen during the day. Is it my responsibility to remind you and hold it over your head? And take my love away from you? Is your prerogative to understand that things happen and maybe even get to that point and that you will get to it.
[04:35] Pele Bennett: I think it’s the delivery. However you feel that you want to express yourself on something that the other person needs to do. It’s how you say it, how you do it. It’s not hovering over. But like you said, when someone is holding themselves back. So I think you’re talking about myself the other night.
[04:52] Michael Bennett: No, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about in relationships.
[04:58] Pele Bennett: I will say between me and you, we’ve been together so long that I have slowly come out of that person that doesn’t say I’m sorry. Like I could go to sleep and be like, well, goodnight. And he’ll be up all night. But I think Michael is definitely really good at being that person that says sorry. You know, and you keep moving. You’d be like, OK. And then I’ll be like, down for the whole day. You know, we won’t be talking. And so even though now it’s been whatever plus years later, I think that still it’s very difficult whenever there is an argument, something happened and you still, like you said, one to hold yourself back. So how do you do that? You’re saying how do you have this crazy argument, and then you go into your sanctuary of the bedroom, and then you can still be — you can still have that relationship in the bedroom as far as the tranquility, talking.
[05:46] Michael Bennett: I think it’s intent. I think sometimes in relationships, people forget the other person’s intent. Like, I know that no matter what, that you’ve got my back and if something happened, you’re gonna hold down our family, you’re gonna do whatever it takes. But I think sometimes we forget about the intent of the body of work that each of us have put in. And I try not to forget that about our relationship. I think sometimes that’s just how people are,
[06:12] Pele Bennett: I guess not wanting to be wrong also is one of them. You don’t want to admit that you were wrong, and that is really hard. And then also feeling personally attacked. I think that is the biggest thing when in relationships, or actually even friendships, when you feel like that person intentionally, like you said, did that to me. Now I’m hurt and you’re saying, but why would I intentionally do that to you? And that’s a hard part to understand that the person you love, whether it’s your wife, husband, why are they doing this to me? You just feel attacked. And I think it can maybe sometimes, I’ll be honest, it’s a little selfish to think that way because you’re really thinking about yourself.
[06:55] Michael Bennett: Today, I want to talk about sex. I know there’s a lot of fellows listen to this right now that’s gonna be like, “go, Michael, go there. Go beyond where any man has gone before. Do it for the culture!” But how does a man get sex without having to ask for it? You said before, men don’t want sex more than women.Women like sex just as much as men do. But how does a man know when his wife wants to have sex and is not like a forced thing? Because I feel like there’s people like this is your wifely duty. You have to do it.
[07:43] Pele Bennett: That’s horrible. Do you feel like it’s a duty for you?
[07:48] Michael Bennett: No, I feel like it is definitely a sport. I love it.
[07:55] Pele Bennett: You sound real creepy.
[07:56] Michael Bennett: Is it wrong to enjoy your wife’s body? I enjoy it.
[08:02] Pele Bennett: No, I’m not saying it like that. I think everyone is different. However, they feel, how they want it in, how they want to give it. I think everyone individually is different. So I honestly don’t think that — maybe some people could relate and some people can’t.
[08:19] Michael Bennett: You always hear people talk about marriage, they say, “well, you’re not have sex, are you?” So that’s a thing. It’s not like I’m just making this up.
[08:33] Pele Bennett: When you’re dating, you’re like rabbits. And then once you get together and you, you know, make that bond and you get married, that it just drops.
[08:40] Michael Bennett: My question is, is there anything that a man could do to maybe want his wife to want him more? Because sometimes guys feel like oh, I can buy her more stuff, I can do this, I could do that. But really, does it come down to material things? It actually comes down to the connection.
[08:57] Pele Bennett: But that’s just it. Some people probably really are like, “just buy me something. OK. You can get it.”
[09:04] Michael Bennett: Yeah, that is true.
[09:05] Pele Bennett: I just feel like the conversation can go so many different directions. But I do also feel that how you’re saying, you know, from a man’s perspective, that is one way. But I do think sometimes men have the lack of sex drive compared to the woman. The woman could be the one that’s like, let’s go, let’s go. Obviously, you know, just by mother nature, a man can only do so much.
[09:28] Michael Bennett: Can a man be over-sexual to his wife? Can somebody be over-sexual to their partner? Where somebody is wanting it so much that the person is like I’m tired. This is the 12th time this week.
[09:43] Pele Bennett: Yeah. Yes. Why not? Why can’t they be like that? I mean sex is a workout, also, depending on who your partner is. It could be long, it could be short, but it is a physical activity. So you are exerting energy, sometimes sweating, like you got to have some stamina.
[10:08] Michael Bennett: Sometimes men feel guilty because they do feel like she doesn’t really want it. And you do is trying to do it. It almost feels selfish at that point.
[10:20] Pele Bennett: You feel like the connection loses.
[10:22] Michael Bennett: Yeah, because it feels like if you have sex, then it should be like something you both are feeling this energy towards each other. I feel like if one person feels that energy in another person doesn’t feel that energy, then it’s not the same.
[10:31] Pele Bennett: But some people might be like, is she not feeling the energy, but I’m still about to get this. Like, OK, the expression on her face.
[10:41] Michael Bennett: It’s just this is just one of those things where just like there’s no proper protocol to know exactly — I guess each person, each couple has a protocol that they see fit for sex.
[10:55] Pele Bennett: Yeah. I think like you have to learn that person also because., say you were in a previous relationship, whatever you did with that person doesn’t mean it’s about to be poppin’ with that person. Like you have to rework at everything and see what they like.
[11:06] Michael Bennett: Yeah, that is true. Because then if some people just get to the place where they’re expecting so much. It is selfish. But sometimes sex is selfish. There’s people who feel like if they’re partner’s really enjoyed it, that turns them on more. But some people are like, I’m not even trying to get there.
[11:36] Pele Bennett: They’re trying to come and they’re not trying to let you come either. I’m saying that from like a male, you know, because once he’s done, it’s done unless he’s about to do something else. But if we’re talking about that part then, no, once he’s done, it’s done. So that’s why I feel like, depending on what you want to do, you can’t go on being selfish. And a woman, let’s be honest, she can go round and round and round. Like she literally can come round and round in one, you know, whatever, however long you know, you’re having your little intimate moment. That’s a battle.
[12:09] Michael Bennett: It’s unfair because women like make fun of guys with small penises like, oh, he ain’t packin’.
[12:22] Pele Bennett: But he might have a strong tongue.
[12:23] Michael Bennett: It is not a man’s fault, his penis size. He has no control over his penis size. Genetically, this is what he’s born with. It’s like if a man has a small penis it’s almost like he’s handicapped or something.
[12:38] Pele Bennett: Maybe that’s like a woman with small boobs or no butt.
[12:42] Michael Bennett: But with sex women, always make men feel like they feel like, oh, his penis. Like the first thing they say to a man — it makes him feel insecure.
[13:02] Pele Bennett: So you’re saying that both sides need to be uplifted.
[13:03] Michael Bennett: If the person doesn’t feel like the other person is enjoying it, feeling up to it, they feel insecure about it. So I feel like that could be a reason why some people don’t want to have sex, because they fear the insecurity.
[13:25] Pele Bennett: Because sometimes it’s not just, oh, how they made a move on me, how you made me feel at the moment. It could be something that they’re dealing with mentally that they just can’t get their body there. You know, like they’re dealing with something stressful, or they had a bad day, or they’re feeling insecure about an area. It could be something else that’s making them not get to where the other person wants them to be.
[13:42] Michael Bennett: I hear guys talking about how after their wives have babies, they don’t feel like they want to be naked or anything because their body isn’t what they’re being. It’s like I’m attracted to you, you’re the one having these insecurities.
[13:56] Pele Bennett: But I do think that’s a big part of this is making the other person feel like they look good also.
[14:02] Michael Bennett: Yeah. But sometime people get in their mind that they don’t look good. So you can’t do anything about it.
[14:07] Pele Bennett: I don’t think you can do anything about that. I think you should try to continue to uplift them. But I think really that’s for them to deal with, they have to learn how to grow and deal with whatever they’re going through physically. Because I do feel like they’re constantly going to feel like, you know, they feel ugly.
[14:23] Michael Bennett: Sex is something that you have to find a way to really make that end. But I do feel like there should be a connection. There should be a connection because sometimes I feel like —
[14:43] Pele Bennett: There’s like a passionate sex and there’s just like a quickie. Both of those could be equally thrilling for either parties.
[14:51] Michael Bennett: But if the people aren’t spiritually connected with sex, I do feel like it’s different. It depends on what you’re up to. If you’re married, guys say, “I started going crazy on my wife and she look back and is like, what the fuck are you doing right now? What do you think this is?” Guys always say stuff like that and it’s a laugh in a locker room because it’s about being married.
[15:38] Pele Bennett: I think like being creative while you’re in the moment is kind of fun. Like you don’t always have to have a conversation like, “hey, I just heard this, saw this, someone told me about this. I’m about to do this.” Sometimes you should just start getting creative as you go, because sometimes what you think you want to do, you might switch it up and do something else. She might be like, ooh, I like that. And he’s like, I don’t know what I was doing, I was just trying something. And it might be something that’s a new, but they’re like, OK, that’s it. That’s it. Or it could be something where he’s trying to do something and it’s OK for him, but it’s getting her right. And she’s like, whatever you just did that there. Do that again. Like, I really like that. And I think sometimes when you’re like in the mood and then it gets like awkward and you’re like, OK, I gotta say something. I don’t think that’s bad, especially when you’re married. It’s like you’re gonna be with this person every day. So let’s stop. Let’s recap, recap. What did we just do here? Move this way. Do that. Let’s try that again. Let’s not do that. And then you don’t have to maybe stop like you could keep it going.
[16:40] Michael Bennett: I do that because a lot of times, men can get limited on things that they are willing to do sexually. Because it’s like there’s two things. It’s like some guys talk about thekr wife doesn’t want to do oral sex on them, or they don’t like to do oral sex on their wife. And it becomes like his big issue, like, what is it? How do people get over that?
[17:01] Pele Bennett: I mean, straight up ask them, what makes you uncomfortable about doing this? Because it could be something that you literally could talk through.
[17:10] Michael Bennett: Maybe they have a smell down there.
[17:15] Pele Bennett: But what if that’s really an issue? That legit could be an issue and she might not even know. He might not even know. You have to bring attention to it. But do it in a delicate way.
[20:34] Michael Bennett: A lot of women and men, they feel that oral sex is not a great thing, or it makes them feel less than. Some husbands say my wife doesn’t go down on me because she feels like this makes her less of a powerful woman, or she feels like she’s a ho or something. And I’m just like, what?
[20:52] Pele Bennett: No, I’ve heard that also before. Like it’s degrading for them to have to do something like that. But that’s why it’s like the lead up to it. Don’t come and be like, “put your head down! Suck on it.” I’m like, how do you lead into it? And that’s where you communicate with your partner is like how you lead into sex, how you lead into oral, how you lead into a quickie, how you lead into the car, on the kitchen counter. Like wherever it is that you do it. It could be the environment that affects them. It could be positioning of the hands. It could be hot, cold. I don’t like cold.
[21:28] Michael Bennett: I have cold hands. But my heart is warm, but I have cold hands. But sometimes as a man, you just come grab your wife’s booty or something and she be like “what the fuck are you doing? Don’t grab me like that.”
[21:37] Pele Bennett: But sometimes it could just be a mood of the moment. Just don’t touch me right now.
[21:42] Michael Bennett: I’ll tell you what, next time you want to have sex with me, I’m saying no.
[21:50] Pele Bennett: That’s your loss.
[21:53] Michael Bennett: Sex is an important thing in marriage. There’s two things. You have money, and then there’s sex. People get divorced because of money and people get divorced because of sex.
[22:04] Pele Bennett: And it’s not taboo. It should be something that you should both be able to talk about.
[22:12] Michael Bennett: How do you communicate with your partner about sex? I feel like that’s a really hard thing.
[22:14] Pele Bennett: You know what? Don’t come into the conversation about you. Because with sex, you are being very vulnerable. So in the conversation, I think it’s like, what could I do better? And then start it from there. I mean, that doesn’t have to be exact words. They have to be open to it, obviously. You don’t want to have an argument about this.
[22:44] Michael Bennett: I do feel like men pride themselves on sexual prowess, so I would be very sensitive. But you do need to be able to have a conversation. But how to have that conversation is very hard because there’s not a lot of people who are willing to hear that.
[22:59] Pele Bennett: Also, I think, don’t bring other people’s opinions. Like your personal experience. Don’t bring that into the conversation. Or like, I had this one time and it was great. But I don’t like when you do it, you know, or I want this because I had it. And don’t be like, well, my girlfriend told me that this was really good. That’s not the start of your conversation about you two right now.
[23:33] Michael Bennett: I think the pro tip of the week is to have monthly sex talk with your spouse.
[23:40] Pele Bennett: What is the warm-up? The warm-up is how you get it on. How do you start that interaction conversation to get it on? Maybe he likes you to brush up on him a little bit, or he wants you to grab your, you know, her butt. Like it depends on how the warm up is. I saw I’m like an oven.
[24:04] Michael Bennett: I don’t want you talking on-mic like that.
[24:07] Pele Bennett: I’m letting everyone know that I am like I’m like an oven. I need to be preheated. Sometimes I’m just like, OK, it’s on and poppin’, depending. But the majority of the time, I am an oven, I need to be preheated. And you can think about that because that could be someone’s problem.
[24:30] Michael Bennett: I do feel like once men get an erection, they assume that the woman is ready for sex. Like, I’m hard, are you ready?
[24:42] Pele Bennett: That’s why it’s a warm up. Do you think it’s also like do or die because you gotta get it in before he goes down?
[24:57] Michael Bennett: Men only have so many erections in our lifetime.
[25:04] Pele Bennett: Exactly. So slow down.
[25:06] Michael Bennett: What if your wife is looking so good and you get erect? What are you supposed to do? But that’s another thing, men, when I say you can’t use your erection every time you want to use your erection, that’s a real thing. Like just because you’re ready to have sex, who knows what your wife’s been through their day? She can have the most stressful day. And if you’re thinking about, oh, I just want to come.
[25:29] Pele Bennett: You’re looking at her like a service. And I think that in a marriage, a lot of times, if you’re doing it from a passionate way, you know, like obviously it’s thrilling to do something more fun and spontaneous. But sometimes you just have this instant connection and instant bond that you have built over time and through your marriage in general. So you have something that should spark. And so how do you get that sparking and get that chemistry? And I think that’s where you have to really do your research on your partner.
[25:56] Michael Bennett: Please do the research on your partner.
[25:58] Pele Bennett: But also don’t be afraid to tell them what you like.
[26:02] Michael Bennett: That’s OK. That’s the truth. If a woman says that she’s an oven — I feel like I hear guys say this, too. If a guy loses an erection, the woman feels like it’s her fault. I don’t think that’s true.
[26:27] Pele Bennett: I think it’s to each his own, but also just come in very comfortable when you start your conversation.
[26:32] Michael Bennett: So pro tip: have a sexual conversation quarterly, monthly, weekly, whatever your sexual talk is. But don’t make a yearly because you don’t get to the end of the year and find out that you’ve been doing sex wrong for a whole year. That would be terrible.
[26:50] Pele Bennett: The hashtag for this week also, which we want to hear y’all talk about, is #sexualwarmup, which means —
[27:01] Michael Bennett: Sex talk with your wife. Because if you don’t know what your wife wants or when she wants it or how you need to change, then you definitely not going to be able to fulfill her.
[27:13] Pele Bennett: I’m also talking about like in the mood, conversation, setting, environment, smells. All of that can also affect the situation.
[27:29] Michael Bennett: Next week, Pele and I are talking to my brother. Super Bowl champion, Pro Bowler, but you know what he’s most known for? Is being creative. And his beautiful wife, Siggi. Together we talk about life, how to continue your love after football, how do you continue to grow as you retire? And we just talk about being great people. So join us when we talk to my brother and his wife, Siggi Bennett. Thank you.
[27:56] Michael Bennett: Please subscribe to us or like us on anything that you’re listening to. Apple, Stitcher, Spotify, whatever you’re listening to get away from your family, whoever you don’t want to be around. And make sure you rate us or give us a comment. Even though we don’t give a fuck about your comments, give us a comment. Mouthpeace is a production of Lemonada Media, which you can find online on all social platforms @LemonadaMedia. You can follow me on social media, @MosesBread72. I love bread, and biblically, I always thought I was Moses.
[28:25] Pele Bennett: And you can follow me on Instagram at @pelepels. Mouthpeace with Michael and Pele Bennett is executive produced by us, the Bennetts. Our Lemonada Media executive producer is Eli Kramer, and our producer is Genevieve Garrity. Our assistant producer is Claire Jones and our audio is edited by Brian Castillo. Thank you to our ad sales and distribution partners at Westwood One, and to all of our sponsors for making this show possible.