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Description

Sarah and Andy have been able to explore different kinds of sex and communication. But what stands out the most for Sarah is feeling truly wanted by Andy.

“When we were together for the first time, that was the first time that a man told me that I was beautiful, and I actually believed what he was saying.” – Sarah

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Sarah, Andy

Sarah  00:00

We went on actually three dates in three days. Lunch out at a brewery.

Andy 

I think that I got there after her, if I recall correctly.

Sarah 

Yes, you did. When I got to the restaurant, I told the hostess that I was meeting a Tinder date there. If I like gave her some kind of signal. Could she please bail me out?

Andy 

I very strictly recall that I had my work shirt on, which is relevant because I trained dogs for a living. And I just thought that she would be so impressed by me having this very unique career training dogs. And I was happy that I was wearing my work shirt. But I remember thinking when I walked in that I had never been here before. And I was worried about what I was going to eat because I have a lot of food allergies, and if they don’t have anything for me to eat, and it’s awkward to be on a date with somebody thinking all of this in the span of walking 20 feet away from the door.

Sarah 

I did think your food allergies were fake. I went home and Googled it. They are real. It’s a real thing.

Andy 

I just had all these thoughts running through my head. But then she got up to give me a hug. And I was like, oh, she fine. Kind of relaxed a lot more actually after that.

Sarah 

On our second date, we went out for lunch. And then we went from there to his house. And his friend group, he was notorious as a player. He was not the scene one girl type of person. And so when he told his roommates, oh, I’m going to go out with that girl again. They were like, why? We went on those dates and was so funny, because he was trying so hard to make sure that like, I didn’t think he was that kind of guy. And then we were talking and having a good time. And he was like, so like, do you want to keep hanging out like at my house? It’s not this isn’t like a move. It’s not a move. Like trying to get you to go home with me. It’s just like, that’s where the dogs are? And do you want to meet the dogs? So we came back to the house, and I met all the dogs and we’re hanging out in the living room. And then he asked, do you want to watch a movie, except we have to do that in my room. This is not a move. It’s not a move. That’s just where the TV is. And hang out with the dogs and watch LaLaLand. And then had sex.

Andy  02:23

One thing that I would like to clarify is it was kind of, okay. We did have sex on our second date. And by very not move worked. Hi, I’m Andy.

Sarah 

And I’m Sarah. We’ve been together for two and a half years. Sorry, I have to do the math. It’ll be three years in February.

Andy 

We are getting married in October of next year. And this is GOOD SEX.

Sarah 

Babe, I can’t remember what we did the next day.

Andy 

We might have just went to your house. We may have gone out to eat.

Sarah 

No, you cooked me chicken parmesan.

Andy 

Oh, that’s right. My famous chicken parmesan.

Sarah 

I came over to your house and you made me dinner. That’s how I usually get into a girl’s pants. That is what sealed the deal, honestly. I mean, the deal had been sealed the day before but the chicken parm really did ensure that I would not forget you. But then he went to Florida. I’m telling like your side of it. But it’s still very funny to me is our best story for sure. He went to Florida and I was still like talking to other guys while he was in Florida because I had been doing this online dating thing for a very long time. And I was not putting all of my eggs in that basket. He’s a musician and music is really important to him. And so while he was in Florida, he had to buy a guitar so he could play angsty songs about me.

Andy 

I just could not get my feelings out any other way. I was just so desperate for her not to forget me. And I was so sure that I was going to be gone for so long. I mean, I known her for three days. How could I expect her to still be there when I get back? I was thinking I’m going to meet this fantastic girl. Right before I have to go somewhere for three weeks. She is going to forget about me. We took that trauma away.

Sarah  04:17

No, but I played the ukulele now we can jam together.

Andy 

That’s true. So Sarah, I have a question for you. This is a pretty interesting one. How was sex with me different from your last partner?

Sarah 

There’s literally like not enough time in the world to even answer that question.

Andy

I think that maybe we can give some background context to why this question might be interesting.

Sarah

Okay, so I was raised in purity culture, and I married my first boyfriend. He was 20 and I had just turned 21 I’ve never even kissed a boy until our wedding. So we had been dating for two months, when he told me that he quote, struggled with same sex attraction. He was my very first boyfriend at 19. And so what was going through my head during that conversation was, this is my only shot at getting married is this relationship. So I have to do whatever I can to make sure this relationship succeeds. And so at the time, I told him, you know, this is just our cross to bear, this is going to be our testimony, you know, we can do this together. And I mean, he went to conversion therapy, his therapist told him to go to the prayer room in our city and pray for God to heal his father wound and remove that spirit of homosexuality from him. We were married seven months before we had sex for the first time.

Sarah 

But when our son was 10 months old, he had been getting more and more depressed. And he came home from work one day, and was just like, I can’t do this anymore. Like I am gay. And I don’t believe it’s a sin anymore. And we have to get divorced, I can’t do this. It felt like we had failed. And so honestly, like, the depth of that heartbreak wasn’t even about oh, shit, like, he doesn’t love me anymore. It was, oh, shit, we failed. And now we have to tell everyone that we failed. Basically, babe, before sex with you, there was no sex. But then I did date for like, four years, but I still had all of that purity, culture baggage to unpack, like, I didn’t know how to have sex, and it not be equivalent to like, being married. Basically, there was no such thing as casual sex. And there certainly wasn’t any such thing as like enjoyable sex.

Andy  07:04

Guess what I’m curious about is like, I mean, there are clearly some differences, right? You know, I would assume that as a gay man, he wasn’t attracted to you. So in that regard, how does the sex feel when we do it? Versus maybe when do you conceive your child?

Sarah 

Actually, I do remember, the first time that we had sex thinking, holy shit, this is what it’s like, for someone to actually be into you and be enjoying this and not just to be enjoying it for themselves, but to enjoy watching you enjoy yourself. Because, babe, you know, with all of my like, body image issues, and eating disorder issues, and all of that, like I never feel attractive or beautiful. And we were together for the first time. That was the first time that like, a man told me that I was beautiful. And I actually believe what he was saying. I think it was the first time that my partner wasn’t lying to me.

Andy  08:07

I like that. I’m glad that I could provide that for you. Because I do think you’re smokin’ hot. I mean, I would like to add that, we are friends with her ex-husband. He’s married now. And we’ve raised their son, the four of us together. And I mean, I think it’s really, really great. Honestly.

Sarah 

Yeah, we’re neighbors, he and his husband lived two doors down for me, they bought a house on my street, so our son can just ride his bike back and forth. I gave him away when he got married. We’re family. Andy, I was wondering, does having sex mean the same thing to both of us? You know, like, connect to each other, physically release, just to please the other person, just for fun. Are we just checking a box. Just because I mean, you’ve had a lot more sex than I have.

Andy

It depends. It’s not always the same. Sometimes it’s just a physical release. You know, sometimes you just get worked up and you got to let it go. Other times, we’re just laying together and I just, you know, me, I get very emotional and my emotions overwhelm me and I just need to express that physically.

Sarah 

Like after we were looking at wedding invitations that night?

Andy

Exactly. We were looking at wedding invitations and I was just I don’t know how to describe it. I was just so overwhelmed by how excited I am to start my life with you. That there was no other way for me to wet all that energy out. Sex is the best way to let that energy out. I feel like because that very emotional moment was because of you. Alright, so I just wanted to share that with you, I guess. Okay, have we done anything in the bedroom that you hadn’t known about slash heard about before we discussed it, or it happened. I guess I’m a bad influence on you.

Sarah  10:27

You are a bad influence. But honestly, given the amount of pornographic fanfiction that I read in high school, I don’t actually think we’ve done anything that I didn’t know about.

Andy 

I mean, honestly, if you’re reading fanfic..

Sarah 

She got real weird. And I was still deep in the church at that point. So that was very, you know, complicated the feelings. I know that like, as we have explored and search for other things to do, I have, like, learned about kinks that I didn’t know existed.

Andy

Like, such as?

Sarah 

Like, even in the fanfic world, I didn’t know that like blood play was a thing. Any like bodily fluid themed kinks, I didn’t really know about because I can’t fathom in my brain. That being a thing. But as far as stuff that we have actually done, it’s pretty much all stuff that I had known about. It was just nothing that I had ever done before. For obvious reasons.

Andy 

I mean, we haven’t done anything like crazy, right?

Sarah 

That’s true. Okay, where have there been complications in our sex life?

Andy 

What are complications mean? Can you give me an example of what a complication might be?

Sarah 

Well, if I’ve binged or restricted or having a really bad, like food day, then I don’t want to have sex or just things that have thrown. I don’t know, a wrench in the gears.

Andy  12:01

I mean, honestly, for me, no, I just don’t have that need. I have this really, medium sex drive. It’s I don’t think it’s very high. I would agree with that actually, if you were like, Let’s have sex right now I would do it. 100% percent, I would do it enthusiastically. But it’s not to the point where like, oh, my gosh, I’m so frustrated and built up. Because we haven’t had sex in like, two days, or whatever. If I tried to initiate it and you’re having a bad day, it just doesn’t mean anything when you say, no, today is not a good day. It doesn’t affect me at all. I don’t see that as a complication. This relationship is a lot more emotional based for me. And so maybe that helps mitigate some of the times when like, we can’t have sex because I get my gratification in other ways.

Sarah 

Oh, that’s so interesting. Because I was thinking with like, my job and grad school. I was feeling recently that like, my schedule was like, a complication for us. Or, you know, how if I think someone might be disappointed, I won’t say no to things. And so like, for me, sometimes saying no, feels like a complication because and I think this goes back to like, that purity culture thing where you’re supposed to always be enthusiastically available for your spouse. I feel gross saying that out loud. You know, yeah, that is really great. And so that always felt like I was the complication. These are things I’ve discussed with my therapist.

Andy 

I hope that you never feel pressured to do it.

Sarah 

No, we’re working on it. We’ve come a long way. A Long Way

Andy 

Was there anything we did that you were surprised that maybe you liked that you didn’t think you would be into because clearly you read all this fanfiction in high school, right? So you read all the fanfiction high school and you have these expectations on what? Maybe kinky sex is? Was there anything maybe that you’ve read about that was like, Oh, I don’t think I would ever enjoy that. And then you’re like, oh, yeah, no, I’m totally into that.

Sarah  14:28

It did surprise me a little bit. That like there’s nothing kinky that we’ve tried that I’ve been like, I don’t want to do that again. You know, like I honestly can’t think of anything that we’ve tried other than like, for some things I’m like, just not flexible enough. And I’m old and like, it hurts my back. I was surprised because you know how I don’t like feeling like I don’t have a way out. I don’t like feeling trapped. And so like honest, like the degree to which I like being tied up is surprising given how much I hate feeling trapped. I won’t even carpool to a party just in case I want to leave.

Andy 

That checks out.

Sarah 

What has been one of our funnier sex moments?

Andy 

Funnier sex moments? Funny. I don’t find things funny.

Sarah 

Yeah, you have really bad tasting comedy.

Andy 

You mean, great tasting comedy. That being said, what would you say?

Sarah 

We own five giant dogs.

Andy 

That doesn’t bother me very much.

Sarah 

Oh my God. God, I cannot remember what happened. I think link like was licking your foot or something. And you just like totally lost it and you’re like, okay, mood kill. I can’t do this.

Andy 

I went from hard to flask. In a matter of seconds. If there was a world record for erection. I absolutely 100% beat the world record in that moment.

Sarah  16:02

We own these five giant dogs and they always want to be like fucking involved.

Andy 

It’s like, but this is one thing that you cannot be involved in any circumstances. Thank you for listening to GOOD SEX.

CREDITS

GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media original. This show is produced by Claire Jones and Matthew Simonsson. Our supervising producer is Xorje Olivares, with Jackie Danziger as our story editor. Executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad with additional music from APM music. Sound design is by Matthew Simonsson and Elle Rinaldi. If you like GOOD SEX, the show not, you know? Why don’t you rate and review us listen and follow for new episodes each week, wherever you’re listening right now. And if you want more GOOD SEX, subscribe to Lemonada Premium only on Apple podcasts.