in this final episode of hard feelings, i share a story of a recent incident where i wish i stood up for myself after someone’s hurtful comment. don’t worry, next time i will 😉 . thank you all for listening to hard feelings – i truly hope it’s been helpful to you in some way.

Transcript

SPEAKER

Jennette McCurdy

Jennette McCurdy  00:00

Today I am going to talk about standing up for yourself.

Jennette McCurdy  00:24

So I was with some folks on our way to a dinner party, we were all driving together. There were like five or six of us in the car. And somehow we got on the topic of Survivor. Okay, survivor is the greatest television show of all time. It’s so good. I’ve watched that is like what 45 seasons probably I’ve watched maybe near 30 of them in the past couple years since becoming obsessed with it. First off, Mike White, one of my favorite television show creators, just a mastermind was on survivor, that’s what got me watching it. I remember hearing about that and thinking like, wait, what Mike White was literally it was a contestant on survivor, it didn’t make sense to me, it confused me, I thought maybe he went on it jokingly to like poke fun at it, not at all. He sincerely loved it, and after I watched that season with Mike White, I just became hooked, and I kept watching more and more seasons, it’s so good, it’s such an interesting observation into human psychology and how people view the same situation very differently.

Jennette McCurdy  01:35

And social politics and it’s just so good. Like I pray, if there’s one takeaway from this episode, it’s that if you haven’t seen survivor, you fucking go watch it right now.

Jennette McCurdy  01:48

So good, so we’re talking about survivor. And one person in the group is like, being like I get the I get playfully be like, oh, survivors bad. He’s being a fucking dick about how bad’s about he’s like that, oh, yeah, what a waste of time, oh, that’s, that shows trash. And my instinct, when there’s somebody who’s being outwardly dickish is to kind of just be playful with them. I don’t know, I feel like it hopefully diffuses the tension a little bit and makes it a little easier. So I go, actually, it’s not true, I also the person’s name, I go actually person’s name. It’s not trash, it’s a fine work of art. Here’s why I like do this little quick monologue on why survivor so good, and he goes, well, I can’t wait to read your novel.

Jennette McCurdy  02:43

You guys. This comment, I couldn’t believe I literally like other people couldn’t believe it either, there was it was like, there was a stunned silence for like four seconds where people weren’t recovering, they were a couple other people who were like having their own conversation they weren’t involved in that conversation. But the four of us that were involved in the conversation was just like, just radio silence. And I kind of swallowed I felt like I you know, not gotten the wind knocked on me, but like a very mini version of like, oh, I was I was kind of stunned by the comment. So I didn’t say anything. Then we you know, arrived at the dinner place and I’ve kind of tried to try to gather myself but that comment really affected me and it has triggered me multiple times since that dinner. It really fucking just got under my skin and got on my nerves. You don’t fucking here’s what you don’t say that comment, okay, I’m actually writing a novel. That’s not like some joke aside that you say like oh, you know, like and it doesn’t that honestly that leap and his logic like didn’t even make sense it would have made more sense of like well I can’t wait to see the TV show you make which also would have been insulting because I’m also trying to do that but for him to go can’t wait to read your novel. I’m actually writing one that’s such a rude you don’t say that to person is actually doing the thing that’s the if first off it’s not funny no matter what he joke he’s trying to make but even if he was just trying to make some jokes like the only way he could get away with it is if it was to a person who’s not actually in the middle of writing a fucking novel. I’m Oh my god, I’m angry, my heart’s like pounding both, I’m hot, I’m gonna have to like unzip my my jacket here. I have no shirt on underneath. Sexy so he says his comment I keeps doing it, I’m so I can’t I don’t know how to fucking get over it. And this is how I don’t like that, I have this instinct to be spiteful in me but it is undoubtedly there. My instinct is to is to put in the acknowledgement section of my novel. Literally like I think my literary agent I think my significant other I think a couple other people and then I think this person and I say I’m gonna say his name is Toby it’s not, I’m gonna say, Toby, here’s my novel can’t wait to read yours. Like I’m in full bitch mode about this fucking motherfucker. I’m I fucking want to rip his head off this is anger here this is this is like teetering on rage I just a little prickly is in my calves Do you ever get that word like when you’re feeling anger or rage you get little prickly sensations in certain parts of your body I feel that in the in the prickly sensations will move like right now they’re my calves maybe they’ll go to my size maybe they’ll go to my face maybe they’ll go to my eyebrows. Ah I’m so worked up about this I cannot believe the […] person made.

Jennette McCurdy  06:00

So I was talking my significant other about it on a walk. And one realization that our conversation led me to was that not only am I so mad at this person, don’t get me wrong no matter what. I’m mad at this person for saying that calm, I think it was a dick comment. I don’t I think he was completely out of line and saying it. I think he’s not entirely an asshole, like, I’m not, you know, villainizing him here, but he is very capable of being a fucking dick. And that’s on him. But I’m mad at myself for not standing up for myself. I wish I could turn back time and go as soon as he goes, we’ll can’t wait to read your novel and was driving hands clutching the steering wheel can’t wait to read your novel fucking pompous ass. I’m so angry, I wish so he goes can’t wait to read your novel. I wish I would have gone, hey, whoa, that was a really fucking dick thing to say. Or even something or even something less than that, right? Even something that’s just like, oh, was kind of rude or like, well, that was odd. Just anything, anything that would have just addressed what I was feeling, which is hurt that this person made this comment shocked that they would go so far. And I just wish I had stood up for myself. I wish someone else had to but if someone else isn’t going to, I wish it was me. And actually more than I wish someone else would have I wish it was me. Because it just doesn’t have the same effect, somebody else standing up for you as standing up for yourself does I think and I’ve been thinking about this so much. And it’s kind of ricocheted into me thinking about other similar instances that I’ve had in my life where people have said rude things undermining things Dick things. And I didn’t stand up for myself, and I fucking hate that I don’t I swallow what I’m actually feeling I kind of slip into this kind of mousy feeling like silent, silenced version of myself that I’ve far outgrown. And being that person is always what comes back and bites me in the asks what I regret later, because I’ve outgrown her. And I don’t believe in not sticking up for yourself, even if it makes even if it’s a little noisy or uncomfortable for people. First off what he said was already uncomfortable, what would have made it more uncomfortable if I’d said wow, that was a dick thing to say, Toby. Yeah, it would have made it more uncomfortable. I don’t fucking care, I think that saying something worthwhile saying something you believe in around other people is so much more important than the comfort of everyone around. I just do, I just fucking I just that’s what I feel in my bones. So I hate that this happened. But if nothing else, it’s led me to consider and reconsider and reevaluate all these instances in my past that I’ve dwelled on after the fact and gone why didn’t I stick up for myself? And I think I’ve pinpointed the why. Which is just, you know, not wanting to ruffle feathers wanting to just keep the peace don’t make a big deal. And I’m going to make a concerted effort moving forward to speak up in those situations. I really am, if somebody says a dick comment you don’t fucking get away with that. You don’t get to be a bully. Oh, I got chills giving myself chills. You don’t get to be a bully. Sorry, Toby, you don’t. See you in my acknowledgement section. I will not do that. I’m gonna waste the fucking page on him. Please, I think that’s all. Now I just want to take a second to say thank you guys so much for joining me on this journey of Hard Feelings. I’ve so enjoyed the process of I’m putting my complicated feelings and specific stories out here in a really raw, unfiltered way. It’s a nice outlet for me, and I hope it’s one for you guys, I hope it’s been inspiring or comforting or connecting are anything conducive to growth. That’s really what I hope for this healing, you know, any of that would be would be amazing if it saw that effect for you. I know it has, for me, it’s a format that I’m frankly a little uncomfortable with at times. You know, I like to write and rewrite and rewrite until something’s exactly the, you know, the precise way that I want it to be. And this is a little bit scarier at times, just having things be so off the cuff and be so in the moment, but I think it’s been a good growing lesson for me. And a valuable one, a really, really valuable one. I’m thankful for you all truly, and wishing you the best. I really think this is a lovely little community that has come together in support of this podcast. And I love you all, and appreciate you all very much. Thank you for being here. This has been Hard Feelings.

Jennette McCurdy  11:32

If you want more Hard Feelings, you’re in luck. You’ve got options. On Apple podcasts. There’s bonus content for subscribers with Lemonada premium, you can hear me answer exclusive questions from listeners. on Spotify, you can talk to each other by leaving comments on each episode and on Amazon music you can listen ad free with a subscription to Amazon Prime.

CREDITS  11:51

I’m Jeanette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer and host of hard feelings. It’s produced by Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy Rage productions. Our production team is Kegan Zema, Aria Bracci and Brian Castillo. Music is by Hannah’s Brown. Steve Nelson is Lemonada’s Vice President of weekly content. Rachel Neil is Lemonada Senior Director of new content. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and me. Listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.