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New Day
All Podcasts 2. How Do I Find Love (Again)? with Ricki Lake

2. How Do I Find Love (Again)? with Ricki Lake

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Description

Ricki Lake opens up about shaving her head, losing a beloved husband to suicide, meeting the new love of her life and learning to love herself in her 50s. This episode’s weekly practice is all about love, from romance to friendship. How can you open the door to deeper connection in your own life?

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Ricki Lake & Claire Bidwell Smith

Claire  01:21

Hi, I’m Claire Bidwell Smith. Welcome to NEW DAY. What are your thoughts about second chances? Or maybe second chapters? Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived 1000 lives in all my 43 years, there was the Claire in high school moody and emo than the 20 something Claire who was trying to figure out how to be in the world after my parents died. Weirdly, I felt totally liberated at that time, and yet consumed with anxiety and depression. Then there was grad school Claire, who was finally pulling her shit together and getting on her feet starting to feel confident and independent. That might be one of my favorite versions of myself. But then came married mom, Claire, who fell back into her grief in new ways as a result of becoming a mom after losing one, which meant more grief and more anxiety. And this might be what led to divorced single mom Claire, she was pretty wild and pretty fun, but also sad and lonely. And then there was this midlife chapter that came out of nowhere.

Claire  02:21

I fell in love, got married and had another baby at age 40. I’m still living versions of that Claire. Anyway, I guess I do believe in multiple chapters. I am a writer after all. I love all the versions of ourselves that we get to be. Do you feel like this? Are there versions of yourself that you reminisce about versions that you can barely bring yourself to think about? Because they make you cringe so much? How about the ones that you miss and haven’t seen in a while. My guest today has also lived a lot of lives. And she’s right in the middle of a whole new chapter as well. Ricki Lake is an actress filmmaker and former talk show host. She’s most well known for her lead role as Tracy Turnblad in the 1988 film hairspray. She was 23 years old when the Ricki Lake show debuted in 1993, and became the youngest person at the time to host a daytime talk show. Her documentary, the Business of Being Born, was released in 2008. And she’s currently hard at work on a follow up called the Business of Birth Control. I was super excited to talk to Ricki. In fact, we jumped into our conversation before either of us had a chance to turn on our mics. So bear with the Zoom audio.

Claire 

Hi, Ricki. Nice to meet you.

Ricki Lake 

You too. Where are you?

Claire 

I’m actually in a hotel in Santa Monica. I used to live here for a long time. And I’m now living up in the Bay Area. But I came down this week for some work stuff. So I’ve got all three of my kids with me, although I booted them out today.

Ricki Lake 

Fine. How old are your children?

Claire 

They are 2, 9 and 12. And I gave birth to all of them naturally. Thanks to you.

Ricki Lake 

Really?

Claire 

I’m dead serious.

Ricki Lake 

Oh my god, that one’s my heart. Thank you for sharing that. Thank

Claire  04:01

Thank you. All three unmedicated births. All thanks to your documentary, which is just it was such a huge moment in my life. My first husband and I watched it together. You know, gosh, 13 years ago.

Ricki Lake 

That’s amazing. Well, it’ the film I wish I was able to see when I was starting family planning, you know, so it’s, it’s the gift to hear that Thank you. It’s but that’s my life’s work. Honestly. I feel like everything else is gravy. You know, like, that was what I wanted to do something that was impactful in a profound way. And I was so personally impacted by my birth experiences that, you know, I love that it’s had the lifespan that it’s had, you know, because I never that was never, it was not there was no foresight in it. When we made the movie. It was just like, I needed to get this out in the world. I didn’t know the impact it would have I didn’t think people give a shit. You know? I hope.

Claire

We’ll get you set up with the producers because we’re already getting stuff that we need to record. There’s like 9 million things I want to talk to you about. I’m so excited to talk to you.

Ricki Lake 

It’s a pleasure to talk to you as well.

Claire 

I feel like you are just one of these people who deep dive into stuff that people don’t want to talk about or scared to talk about, or just that makes them uncomfortable or nervous, or they don’t know where to start. And you have just taken a deep dive into all of it.

Ricki Lake

Thank you, I’m really a curious person. You know, I’m someone that I have learned a lot from mistakes and from life experience and life experience of others. I’m not an expert. I’m not fair, like very well educated, I didn’t finish college, I you know, I don’t really have a trade other than like, I was a musical theater major for one year in college. Honestly, I don’t know any other way to be like, I’m someone that has been just really authentic and true to myself. And in many ways I credit John Waters for giving me my start and my acting career. And he always, you know, he really instilled in me to stay true to myself to stay humble, you know, and that’s has stayed with me, I think throughout this three plus decades of, you know, being in this crazy business.

Claire  06:08

Yeah. I don’t know, there’s just so many things I want to talk about how is how’s the pandemic been for you? Like, really, honestly?

Ricki Lake 

Honestly, it was a shit show in the beginning for me. So you know, and let me go back because I did something really life changing for me personally, I shaved my head at the start of 2020, literally, on the day before, on New Year’s Eve day, I just needed to surrender and let go of something that had been plaguing me for a very long time. And in doing that, I sort of came into this new place of self-love of just, it’s almost like the words I there aren’t enough words to kind of share what that transformation was, like, both physically and internally for me. Oh, my gosh, and I, you know, I didn’t know what the outcome would be. That’s usually what happens with me both in my career, and in my personal life. I jumped in feet first, I’m very impulsive, and very instinctive, I think. And I usually land on my feet in every case, you know.

Claire 

I like to think about that idea of when you jump off a cliff, like learning how to fly on the way down. I’ve kind of been like that throughout my life, too. I just jump before I really know what’s gonna happen. And then I have to figure it out. So that I don’t crash.

Ricki Lake 

So yeah. And that’s how I have operated. You know, every getting the talk show, you know, they just handed me you really think you can do this? Okay, you think I can do it? Okay, I’ll do it. So, in shaving my head right before the pandemic, I mean, I was in a place of really feeling good about myself, you know, and really, like, I was just like a crossroads that I content, like, I took the right path for me.

Claire 

And for listeners who don’t realize you shaved your head, because you’ve been struggling with hair loss.

Ricki Lake  

I had been struggling for a long time. And it was something that was like sort of my dark secret. And like I said to you, I pride myself on being this authentic person, what you see is what you get, I think that’s what part of what made me a good talk show host is that people trust me, they relate to me, I’m open in sharing my hardships and my triumphs. And in this case, I just felt like you know, by wearing this hairpiece, and just by it was just getting harder and harder for me to just be okay with it. And so I did it in a big way and the timing of that experience and then two months later being in lockdown. The lockdown was really challenging for me as it was for everyone. And I’m like a people person. I think my love language is touch. You know, and I love connection with people. And so the idea that we as a society are now afraid of people, you know, that person could be killing us. You know, it’s like, it really set me off on a path of kind of self-destruction or I was self-medicating in a big way.

Ricki Lake  08:48

I was drinking every night gin and tonic, two gin and tonics and sometimes with an Ambien. It’s an interesting combo. And during the course of this pandemic, I happen to meet my, my greatest love. I mean, it’s hard to, you know, I’ve had great love and my greatest teacher is my second husband who passed away. And in two days, it will be his 50th birthday. And he at you know, it was the love of my life. You know, he passed from mental illness and bipolar disorder. And he was the love of my life. And now I’ve met this new man, who is almost like the pinnacle of like, I shattered to say, what I’m thinking because I don’t want to, I don’t want to lessen the relationships that I’ve had, including Christian, my beloved who passed, but who I am today, through that loss through getting over that experience, and finding this person like it’s like I have this self-love piece that I didn’t have back then that I have now. And maybe it comes with age, maybe it comes with skin or shaving my head and not giving a shit about it. You know, like I think it’s all of the above. But I’m now in this relationship with someone that is my equal that doesn’t need me to take care of them financially or emotionally or medically, I mean that, you know, I was a caretaker for much of my life with the men I chose. And in this case, I’m with someone who is taking care of me.

Claire  10:19

That’s a beautiful thing to be able to say. Let’s go back for just a minute. Were you still self-medicating? Were you still in that space when you met, is his name Ross?

Ricki Lake 

His name is Ross. Yes, I was in fact when we talked about it, we cannot believe we found each other so he was living around the corner from where I was in my I was living on the channel in the Marina and he was living on the beach side. So we met while I was in a relationship with another man I was in sort of a non-committal relationship but he wasn’t my person, you know, my long-term person. And so I was in that relationship and I was sort of unfulfilled and I wasn’t really getting what I need I want partnership I have been very clear like I operate best in partnership. And I now I know I operate even my optimum best being with someone who I consider my equal someone, who you know.

Claire 

I like that you’re unapologetic about that. I feel like I hear people apologize for wanting to be in relationship sometimes or apologize for being lonely or apologize for wanting to be in partnership and I think that’s one of the beautiful things we can do as humans is love and be in relationships.

Ricki Lake

I’m at my best when I share my beautiful abundant life with someone I love. Yeah, it’s my favorite. This is my favorite time in my life, I think. You know and all my experience has been amazing. I’ve been incredibly blessed with amazing relationships, amazing career all of it but right now where I am right now and I just moved into this house I’ve been building for seven years. I am in a place of contentment like I’m so content with who I am with who I’m with, with you know, it’s amazing when all your dreams have come true. It’s wild.

Claire

So, you were in a loose relationship with one guy, you were still grieving, I’m sure on some level or moving through that experience with your late husband, and then you met Ross. So that’s a lot going on in a pandemic.

Ricki Lake  14:07

And during the pandemic, I was on a beach walk. So one of the things my little dog which I can’t turn my computer, but I would show you my little dog. She’s the one who kept me alive through the loss of Christian Honestly, I was so shattered when not just losing him, obviously suicide and the way he passed. But the bipolar episodes that I lived through with him was just I never thought I was going to be happy again, let alone find somebody again. I never ever thought I’d find joy in my life again, because I was just, I felt like I couldn’t live without him.

Claire 

Now that’s I mean, that’s just a big thing to say. So, you know, I’m a grief therapist, and I meet a lot of people in that space all the time. And it is something I think we profoundly feel when we go through a big loss like that. And for some people, it’s longer, for some people, it’s shorter. It changes more frequently than I think we think but we can be very in that space of this is that I’m never gonna be happy again.

Ricki Lake

And I forced myself every day because I lived at the water, which thank God, I feel it’s so healing to live on the water and I took her every day, you know, I had to walk my dog every day. And I would force myself to look up and smile at the sun and find gratitude. And just, it was like, one literally one step in front of the other, it just got me out into like vitamin D. And I have, you know, two kids that were, you know, they were teenagers, one was in college, when Christian passed, and I tried my best, you know, to give them the support they needed, I didn’t want to lean on them too much, you know, and I didn’t, support groups didn’t really help me, like, I went to like a surviving suicide support group and I, it didn’t help me to hear other people’s horrible stories. You know?

Claire 

Sometimes it’s really hard to hear other people’s stories when you’re still grappling with your own. But sometimes it’s also really healing. I think it depends on.

Ricki Lake 

What was healing for me was sharing my story by sharing it both publicly not in a big way. But I’ve done you know, little things here and there working with a group called Bring Change To Mind. I felt like being of service and sharing and also keeping Christians legacy alive because Christian was very ill, but he was also very, very special. And I believe he wanted to help people. And so through my sharing our story of our love and his struggles, and, you know, I believe that helps. It certainly helps me in you know, in my grief and healing.

Claire  16:30

Okay, so you’re on the beach, you’re walking your dog.

Ricki Lake 

I ran into this woman now, I didn’t meet Ross there, I’ve managed run into an acquaintance. And she, you know, she’s this bubbly, adorable New Zealander. She’s like, Oh, you know, and COVID You know, we’re so isolated to run into someone you barely know. It’s like, Oh, my, it feels like this reunion with the masks. There’s like, Oh, my God, and she’s like, how’s it going with your guy? And I was like, oh, we’re not together. And I was in a mood that day, because, you know, we broken up again, or whatever. And she’s like, what are you looking for? And I said, Well, I’m looking for someone who has a shit together. I want someone who doesn’t want a kid. In that moment. It was very clear. I wanted someone who has their shit together. Someone who doesn’t want a kid, and I want someone who wants to have fun.

Ricki Lake 

And she’s like, I think I know someone I was like, well give him my number. I was very cynical In that moment. I was like, whatever, like, and so he called me, you know, he’s an ex-Mormon. He was a devout Mormon until he was 35 years of age, which is really interesting. And so I went out with him a few times, basically, because I was curious about Mormonism, I was able to ask him anything and everything about that religion, about his experience, I was fascinated. And he was, quite frankly, he was my booty call for about three months while I was still seeing the other guy. So I like again, goes back to a little bit of like, I was, I was a little destructive. You know, I wasn’t very kind to him. And my friends would say..

Claire 

Well, it sounds like you also weren’t being very kind to yourself necessarily.

Ricki Lake 

I wasn’t. And I was just grappling. I was just in this you know, we’re in this like, a lot of time on my hands. I went on a lot of walks on the beach. And I liked him. He was a really nice guy, but I wasn’t even open to seeing him really. I was kind of unavailable, emotionally unavailable. And so then, I mean, it’s as dramatic and crazy as it sounds on Halloween. If you remember last Halloween, there was a super Blue Moon, everyone’s talking about this. Powerful Blue Moon. And I’m not really into that stuff, per se. I mean, I kind of one year in and out. But I remember everyone talking about it, including my business. My work partner, Abby Epstein, who made the business of being born with me. And she’s like, dude, this moon, this moon is like crazy. And the other guy that I was dating was out of town. And it was that night that I wasn’t on an Ambien. I wasn’t on gin and tonics. And I saw him for the first time and I literally had like a, like, the light bulb went on over his head. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. Like, I have a crush on you. And that was it.

Ricki Lake  19:00

That sounds like a movie.

Ricki Lake 

I feel like it is a movie.

Claire 

And was he right there. He was kind of waiting for you to have this realization. He was already in that space?

Ricki Lake 

I mean, he was he just said he was like, gonna, you know, he really enjoyed my company wasn’t necessarily head over heels in love with me at that time. But he liked me. He was different than any other woman he’d ever dated. And we fell in love and in living in a hotel in Santa Monica. I had moved out of. It’s like, it was such a beautiful, it’s divine. I look at it. I think Christian Evans, my beloved, orchestrated this. I truly believe he did not want me alone. He wanted me to find, you know, deep, deep love. Yeah, I just I do believe like, I made a pact with Christian and I would take care of him while he was here. And I did. I took care of him. I did the best I could to save him. And now he’s taking care of me. I believe it.

Claire 

That’s beautiful. Do you feel like you had to give yourself permission to have love again, or to have love at This age, you know, that was something I kind of grappled with having a second chapter, getting remarried having another baby with another man. Yeah, it’s a lot.

Ricki Lake  20:09

Here’s the thing, I feel like I deserve this. Like I have come to a place where I truly see my value. And I honor myself in a way that I didn’t before. And I think that’s one of the gifts of loving and losing Christian is that I love myself the way he loves me. And I’m a great, I’m a great partner. I’m a good person, I’ve done good work in the world. I take care of my you know, I work on myself and yeah, this man, you know, he also loves himself and he’s in this place. I mean, I do think Timing is everything. We’re both newly empty nesters. We both have made tremendous sacrifices for our families. For our exes, we’ve always sort of done the right thing. And now, it’s like our time and we are embracing it like every night we pinch ourselves. We cannot believe how lucky we are. And it’s a beautiful time. It really, really isn’t we do not take it for granted.

Claire 

Tell me about when and how he proposed.

Ricki Lake  22:33

He has four grown children; I have two sons. And they don’t necessarily love when I tell the story. But it was the first night we were living in this house. Now you understand this house. I bought it forever ago with my husband Christian thinking we were gonna live here for the rest of our days. And it took seven plus years to build, it was a nightmare from start to finish, you know, and so finally put all this money in this energy into this house. And then he dies. And I don’t want to be on a mountaintop by myself in this house. You know, and now cut to I find beautiful Ross and we move in together on Valentine’s Day. And we were in the jacuzzi for the very first time, naked in a Jacuzzi. And it was just this moment. And we had talked about spending our lives together. Like that was something that we had discussed and seemed obvious. But he just proposed, he just felt it. And I was like, absolutely. And he got me a ring. I mean, he said to me when he proposed He’s like, well, this be the first ring that you don’t have to pay for yourself. And I was like, yeah, yes.

Claire 

My proposal was similar. We were in bed in the middle of the night. And my husband has three kids. And I had two from my first marriage. And then we have one together. So we have six. We’d had this whole Christmas trip with all the kids. And this whole time, my now husband had, had a ring pinned in his pocket to propose to me but there was like, never a good time all the kids were fighting or things were happening or we were fighting or like everything was a mess. I crashed a golf cart. You know, it’s just like all this stuff happened. And he didn’t propose this whole time.

Ricki Lake  24:08

Did you feel like it was coming? Are you waiting for it to come?

Claire 

I was waiting for it to come after the first day I met him. Frankly, I would have married him the first week I knew him. But this was two years in and we actually had a long-distance relationship for a long time. So it was challenging. But no, I didn’t think it was coming at that point because things were just so hard. And anyway, about a week later, he was in LA here with me. And we were actually having almost a breakup talk. So I was like, I don’t know how we’re going to do all this and then it turned into this very loving talk and all of a sudden he got out of bed and he was fumbling around in his bag and I was like what are you doing? And then he pulled out this ring.

Ricki Lake 

Did he turn on the light?

Claire 

No, I didn’t see it till the morning. And but it was one of those really authentic moments, you know, where we were just really in the moment and really talking to each other, and it wasn’t staged or planned. It was lovely.

Ricki Lake 

Yeah. So I mean, I’m such, I love, love, I love, love and I, I acknowledge I am the marrying kind is gonna be my third marriage. I you know, I was married to my first husband for 10 years, I had two kids with him second marriage, you know, we were married for only about two and a half years, but we were together for six and a half years. And I know this is it. I know, I will spend the rest of my days and I have to say, I thought that when I got married that 25 with my first love, but I yeah, I love, I love this commitment. And I would marry him tomorrow too like, we go back and forth. We’re having a wedding here next year. And you know, I’ve never had a wedding. I’ve got married. You know, in Vegas. The first time was seven people, second time it’s just the two of us in Santa Barbara, in Montecito. And then but this time, like I go back and forth. It’s like, I don’t need to be the princess. I don’t need to be I don’t need that fanfare I don’t need, but like, there’s something about this partnership, this relationship that my girlfriend said the other day, it’s like you deserve that first dance. You deserve those speeches. And so I do want that, you know, maybe more traditional ceremony and ritual.

Claire  26:14

Is this what you could have imagined doing and being you know, in a younger version of yourself when you looked ahead or thought of your life ahead.

Ricki Lake 

None of it I would have. I mean, I wanted to be famous. I’ll be honest, like I as superficial as that sound when I was a little kid, you know, I saw Annie on Broadway when I was six or seven years old. And I was like, I want them applauding for me. I want to you know, be turning heads.

Claire 

What did you think it would mean to be famous?

Ricki Lake 

I thought that I feel important and special. And I don’t know, money came into it at that age, but being self-sufficient. I mean, I wanted everyone to know my name. And I don’t know. I don’t know what if I knew what that meant.

Claire 

I think famous is such an interesting thing, especially in American culture, because we really revere it.

Ricki Lake 

Well, nowadays when you look at what people are famous for, it’s changed dramatically with social media and stuff. But I also feel like I’ve navigated this pretty damn well, because I have kind of a cool level of fame. Like, I’m not, I’m approachable. Like everyone knows me. Everyone grew up with me. The know who I am. They know what I stand for.

Claire 

And you seem really proud of the projects that you are famous for, too.

Ricki Lake 

Absolutely. Totally. And I like how I’ve evolved. I mean, I really can look at like, Yeah, I was I was John Waters’ muse. And I hairspray is that iconic role that gave me and started my career. Oh my god, I’m so proud of that film. I’m so proud of the talk show and that I was able to host a show at 23, they gave me this job.

Claire 

That must have been really intimidating.

Ricki Lake 

It wasn’t because I just don’t think things through. I’m so naive, I’m naive. And I’m like, I just kind of there’s I don’t know, I’ll always in the back of my head when there’s something that I’m like, about to get stressed about. I just think, okay, it’s not curing cancer. Like, seriously, let’s keep it in perspective. So I would just always be able to kind of throw myself into it. And now of late doing the documentaries that I feel is my life’s work, like making the business of being born. I feel like I can die now, like, I don’t want to die now. But I feel like I have contributed something that I believe has made a difference. And it stems from my own personal experience of having my own children. I mean, it’s deeply, deeply personal. It’s all my own money.

Claire  28:27

That documentary is so powerful. It still lives on all the time. You know, I hear people talk about it. I recommend it still all the time. I want to make a documentary with you about psychic mediums and grief. I heard you talk about psychic medium somewhere.

Ricki Lake 

Yeah, I had I have agri hair standing up on me right now. This woman Patricia, I mean, we were talking about healing and what helped me to get through my loss of Christian but truly, the number one thing I did is I had this reading with this woman, Patricia Michelle. She’s out of Cincinnati, Ohio, she no longer practices. She’s in her mid-80s. She was 81 when I spoke to her and I spoke to her almost a year to the day that Christian passed. So it was 2018, January 2018. And I had the mode, I was again I was very cynical. My friend, a good friend of mine, Robin said, you need to have a reading with this woman. I was like, yeah, I just have psychics on my show all the time. And they’re amazing. They blow my mind and they were so talented. But this woman was a new level. And I had this reading on the phone. She didn’t know my name.

Ricki Lake

She didn’t know anything. She knew my middle name. That was all she needed my middle name and my age and she had Christian came through. And she challenged him for an hour he spoke to me. And it answered so many questions that I had. And so yeah, I wanted to make a documentary about it, about this woman and I was I was going on that path and making even a short about her and she was kind of on board. But the truth is like I kept I went back and like what is my intention like I’m not going to convince naysayers to believe what I believe, you know like, what is the goal? And, you know, it was it was a gift. It was incredible. I believe it, like I’m talking to you, you know, it’s just it was as clear.

Claire  30:14

It sounds like for you it impacted your grief process too. And I think with complicated deaths and complicated losses, it can really when there’s so much unresolved I believe your husband died by suicide. Is that right?

Ricki Lake 

Yes.

Claire 

And so that, you know, there’s so much there that I think we on the other side are left with that’s so hard to unravel and or sit with or figure out how to hold, right?

Ricki Lake

Yes. But in his case for me in my relationship with him, I wasn’t, I wasn’t left saying why, like, why did this happen? Because I knew why I lived with him being in pain every single day. He was suffering every day. And I knew he was not going to live a long time. I wasn’t, I was shocked when it happened. But I wasn’t surprised. You know. And one of the things when Ross and I started dating, like initially, like when we first like after the Blue Moon after the super Blue Moon, I played the recording for him. I played the entire recording for him and he sat and listened to that. It was really, it was there’s so much compassion. I mean, he was such an and I don’t know what he believed that that’s I don’t know if he believes the way I believe. But he believes I believe and he you know; he would wonder if there was room in my heart for him. You know?

Claire 

I think that can be hard. I’ve worked with a lot of people who’ve lost a partner or spouse and then finding love again and trying to kind of figure out how to sometimes hold both of those or assure reassure your now partner that you’re not kind of still staying in that space. I don’t know. It’s hard kind of hard to describe.

Ricki Lake

I mean, he knows that yes, I can have I can have both. I can have this deep. We talk about you know, because when we die, you know, like what happens apparently Christians in the third heaven and he’s waiting for me, so I get to be reunited with him. And according to like Mormon, the Mormon Church like Ross is still tethered to his first wife, you know? Yeah. We’ll figure it out on the other side. I have no doubt.

Claire  32:17

So do you feel like you’ve moved through this, sounds like the last few years I had a lot of stuff like I mean, grief, the pandemic, self-medicating, but work and love.

Ricki Lake 

And fun, and fun. I had a lot of fun, too. I discovered Burning Man. I brought Christian’s ashes to Burning Man. Yeah, I like was, you know, I know he wants me to be happy. He wants to be me to have the best time to have you know, the best sexy smile and like a Christian I know wants pleasure for me. And so yeah, I honored him. I honored him that year, that first year he died in 2017. I you know, brought his ashes to Ibiza, which was our place, our beautiful place and, and then Burning Man, I have my clothes. I make costumes made and I lined my clothes with his clothes because I wanted to bring him to Burning Man. He and I always wanted to go we never went because we always go to Ibiza and never had time. And so we never got to make that happen. But I wanted to honor him and I gave his jewelry out on pyre, you bring gifts and I brought his jewelry. And I told the story of him and yeah.

Claire 

That’s beautiful. Those are such nice ways to honor him. I hear a lot about different ways. And those are beautiful. What would you do on Saturday for his 50th?

Ricki Lake 

You know, I’m going to actually be at a friend’s house. So a dear friend of ours has the same birthday. So he’s having a gathering and I want to do something there because I’ve shed so many tears about Christian in that home. That I plan to do something I’m sure we’ll say some sort of prayer and maybe light a candle. I mean, I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about him a lot this week. And I feel him all the time. I feel his energy. All the time.

Claire  34:00

You said at the start of this that you’re feeling really content. Do you feel like you can stay in that space? Do you expect to stay in it? Is it hard to feel content I struggle sometimes whenever I’m feeling content, I sometimes have the urge to fuck it up. And sometimes I do, do that. But I also yearn to feel content. Most of the time.

Ricki Lake 

I mean, I feel like I need to pinch myself like, I can’t believe it’s this good. And it’s this easy. Like, you know, with my other relationships it was a little more work or is a little uneven or there wasn’t a balance you know, I was when I you know when I had small children I mean it’s just it’s really hard to maintain like a happy contentment. You know, you’re constantly juggling the balls in the air. You know, I feel a little guilty in that might create like I should be more hungry to get back to work, you know, and I’m not I mean, I am just is this how I’m supposed to be like I’m not retired. I’m definitely Not retired, I have more than I want to do. I obviously have this big movie coming out this year, but, but I am really frumpy in my home life. I’m just the mundane is really, really enjoyable right now.

Claire 

Whenever I’m in a space where I do feel strong and content or capable, I am thinking about how there’s so many other people out there who aren’t in that moment. And I’ve been there too, you know, in those dark moments. What do you say to those people right now who are just it, they’re having that those days where they’re having to fake it till they make it and just force themselves out of bed to look at the sunshine? Like what how do we get through that stuff?

Ricki Lake 

I mean, that’s stupid cliche. This too shall pass. You know, it’s time does change, you know, affect change and healing. I’m an example of that. And I that’s why I think I really love sharing my story, because I do think it offers hope it gives me hope, like, I cannot believe and I’ve managed to keep my heart open. Like anyone that knows me. I’m a sucker for love. I love big, you know, and Ross and I had this conversation last night we were hanging out and I said, I love that you love so big. And he’s like I he said, I didn’t know I love this big until I met you. And I have been in love before I have felt deep, deep found love. This feels like a different thing because of the self-love piece. Because I think I don’t think I truly knew and, and love myself as much as I do now, and that I think comes with life experience that comes with maturity. You know, they say like your 50s I mean, I’m just loving my 50s so, so much my body doesn’t hurt. You know, I’m embracing my gray hair. Like I just, I just really like me. And all that comes from that, you know, I’m still a work in progress. I’m still I make mistakes. I’m not anywhere close to perfect. But I you know; I think I have a good balance and an appreciation for my life.

Claire  36:54

I think accepting that we are messy and we are all works in progress is cut up part of the, part of the journey. Right? I think that’s something I think when we’re putting all this pressure on ourselves to be something that’s almost unattainable in those dark moments, then it just gets even more elusive, you know? Ricki, I’m so grateful for you and your work and I can’t wait for the Birth Control Documentary. But I’m just thank you for always speaking so openly and being so you.

Ricki Lake 

Thank you, thank you for letting me share my voice because I you know, I’m not out there that much anymore. And it’s just it’s really nice to have these kinds of conversations because it helps me. You know, we don’t when we’re in our lives, our day to day lives, we don’t really stop and reflect and it’s like, wow, it’s really it’s meaningful to share with you today. Thank you.

Claire 

Okay, so true story. We had so much fun talking to each other. And this interview that when Ricky found out I was in LA at the time of recording, she invited me to her house in Malibu for cocktails. And you know I went, and you know, it was amazing. I even got to meet her fiancé Ross, and he was pretty much everything you’d want her new fiancé to be. But I digress. There were so many things to take away from this conversation you just listened to. But for me, the biggest thing was this idea of not starting over per se, but forging on of accepting that we have really hard experiences, really hard periods of time in our lives. But that we also never know what’s right around the corner. And that maybe if we can just see ourselves through that hard stuff as best we can. There might be something or someone waiting for us on the other side. As someone who listens to people’s stories of loss all the time, it was really inspiring to hear about how Ricky has been able to open herself up to love again, love is scary. And I think the older we get, the more afraid we become of it.

Claire 

Plus, we get really good at creating a million ways to wall ourselves off from connecting with people. Because getting hurt sucks. But honestly, again, as someone who listens to people’s stories of grief all day, it’s also made me realize that at the end of the day, love is kind of all that matters. I know that’s cheesy, but like that might be the only thing we get to take with us when we head out. Okay, so I know the pandemic has us all fucked up about like social interaction, but I’m curious how open you’re feeling to love these days? And not just romantic love but friends, new friends, old friends, maybe family members who might have a different political belief. Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we’ve closed ourselves off to people because staying open feels too hard or too scary or too infuriating. For this week’s practice, I want you to think about how you can open yourself up to love a little more. Are you hoping to invite more love into your life? Or do you feel like you need to be giving more love out?

Claire 

Let’s follow Ricki’s lead and get specific about what you’re actually looking for. Make a list, picture in your head what it would be like to spend time with that person. This way you’ll know it when you actually see it in the world. Maybe there’s someone new waiting to come into your life. Or maybe there’s someone old who’s waiting for you to come back. Do you have a little room to stretch for them? One trick about this one. So no matter which way you turn, you’re probably going to run up against forgiveness. Either having to forgive yourself for hurting someone or fucking up your last relationship, or having to forgive someone for doing the same to you. It’s pretty impossible to move past the fear and anger that block us from love if we haven’t done some amount of forgiveness. Here are a couple of books I love about this stuff. And this will all be in the show notes. Radical Forgiveness BY Colin Tipping because as I keep reiterating, we can’t ever deep dive enough into forgiveness.

Claire  40:44

You Can Heal Your Heart Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death by David Kessler and Louise Hay. Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas, I know the idea of the one is a little intense. But there’s so much good stuff in this book about really taking a look at how open you are to actually bringing a relationship into your life. Try one of these suggestions and let me know how it goes. I mean it I actually want to hear from you. Tell me about your progress or some of your own questions about how to feel more satisfied with your life. You can call and leave me a message at 8334-LEMONADA, that’s 833-453-6662 or email me at NewDay@LemonadaMedia.com I really want to hear what you find.

CREDITS

NEW DAY is a Lemonada Original. Jackie Danziger is our supervising producer, our associate producers Erianna Jiles, […] our engineer, music is by Hannis Brown. Executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer, Lily Cornell Silver and Claire Bidwell Smith. NEW DAY is produced in partnership with the wellbeing trust the Jed Foundation, and Education Development Center. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. Follow us at Lemonada Media across all social platforms or find me at ClaireBidwellSmith.com Join our Facebook group to connect with me and fellow NEW DAY listeners. Hear advice on how to live with more purpose and satisfaction and suggest tools that have helped you. You can join at facebook.com/groups/newdaypod. You can also get bonus content and behind the scenes material by subscribing to Lemonada premium. You can subscribe right now and the apple podcast app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. Alright, that’s it for us. Thanks for listening. See you next week.

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