Subscribe to Lemonada Premium for Bonus Content

Can you believe that Sarah has been offering advice for four years?! If you’re new here, you might not know that there are lots of past episodes to listen to. Like this one, a “Best of” collection to celebrate Sarah’s 100th episode back in 2022.

You can leave a voice memo for Sarah at speakpipe.com/TheSarahSilvermanPodcast.

Follow Sarah Silverman on Instagram @sarahkatesilverman. And stay up to date with us @LemonadaMedia on X, Facebook, and Instagram.

For a list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and every other Lemonada show, go to lemonadamedia.com/sponsors.

Joining Lemonada Premium is a great way to support our show and get bonus content. Subscribe today at bit.ly/lemonadapremium.

Transcript

SPEAKERS

Mark, Brenna, Old Recording, Voicemail 1, Annie, Susie, studio, Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman  00:09

Hey, oh, you know what I was looking at old pictures as I am. Want to do you know on my phone, it goes back so many years, you know, like and I saw a picture I took of a wet paint sign at the studio where we were shooting the Sarah Silverman program. There were wet paint signs one day everywhere, and tall John and I, on our half hour lunch break, changed all the wet paint signs to say wet taint, because we were idiots, and we still are. And I probably do it today, this is just what we did. This is it brought us so much joy. We’re such as tall John likes to call me. I’m a delightful idiot, and we both are.

 

studio  01:03

That actually, that’s funny. I remember, when I was went to elementary school, there was one of those dip signs, like a road sign.

 

Sarah Silverman  01:10

Yeah.

 

studio  01:10

To warn about a dip in the road. And someone would spray shit underneath it, so it’s a dip shit, the city would replace it, and then, like, two weeks later, the same it just kept getting replaced this dipshit sign.

 

Old Recording  01:21

Is that’s, I mean, this is embarrassing, because you’re talking about elementary school and I’m talking about solid, solid adulthood. But that reminds me of, you know, I was thinking this would be a good talk show story if I go and, you know, next time I go to on Jimmy’s show, because I was remembering this is exactly the same, only we were adults, like back when Jimmy Campbell and I were first dating, and I lived in this little apartment on sweet sir, and he would come over and, like, late at night, we’d walk the dog around the block, and neither of us were, like, famous or anything, you know, or maybe a little bit like he was on the man show, and I had, I don’t know, I was like, on roasts, but not, you know, people didn’t recognize us, and we would walk my dog duck around the block, and there was like this nook of do, like fancy duplexes with like a courtyard and right outside on the sidewalk, they had like a, like a fancy, like, professionally made sign that said, please pick up your dog’s poop. And every night with a sharpie, when we were walking duck, we would add and eat it. And every night like it, first of all, it was so obnoxious. And every day they would get a new sign made, like someone had to go to the hardware store and get a new sign made. And they would get a new sign made that said, please pick up your dog’s poop. And every night, we would add and eat it. I mean literally, when we would go to walk the dog, it’d be like, do you have the leash? Yeah, you bring have a Sharpie, uh huh. And in our minds. We were like, they put up another sign every day they would just put up a new sign. And we were like, these people are relentless, as if they were the assholes. But in our defense, you’d think they’d at least stop giving us the perfect setup. They could have changed the wording, like, curb your dog. We couldn’t add and eat it. We’d have to be like, curb your dog and then take that shit and eat it. I don’t think we would. I don’t know. They didn’t even they always had the same wording that fit perfectly with and eat it. And, you know, needless to say, we were the assholes, uh, new love. It was the love talking. We were like the Bonnie and Clyde of dick moves. Well, let’s see we were going through some more public domain, that means free theme song options, and Raj is gonna play some for us.  Get ready for the show. The Sarah Silverman podcast, ooh, what? I’m so bad. That’s the kind of music this is. It tells you I’m bad, ooh, but not that bad, gentle, bad, like when Nana sneaks a smoke in the bathroom and she doesn’t know she reeks of smoke and the whole bathroom does too. There’s no ventilation there, Nana, you’re making a fucking joke out of us. Sarah’s Silverman, Sarah Silverman. Hot, sexy, sexy, but gentle, gentle, sexy.

 

studio  01:22

Okay, yeah, Sarah, okay, this one is called Sail Through The Night.

 

Sarah Silverman  03:32

Sailing through the night. All right, sail through the night. Oh, what? Come on. It’s the Sarah Silverman podcast, and we’re having a real good time. Oh, just some fun jazzy sounds to get you ready to get your ear holes open, let’s go what turn your lava lamp on and let’s go to a podcast. It’s not somewhere you go, it’s somewhere you are. Man, huh? That’s right, white jazz sounds. See what? When I go like this, huh? Sexy dancing. This is sexy, middle aged dancing music, and it gets you ready for a show. All right, I think that’s good. Okay, there’s like flute in there.

 

studio  06:44

Okay. Sarah, Next one is called Barefoot in The Grass.

 

Sarah Silverman  06:49

Barefoot in the grass is a gas baby. Can you dig in all right, this is gonna be good. Barefoot in the grass. Can you imagine it? Oh, oh, went a very different way. Sounds a little bit like the corners of my mind. Oh, now it’s quite a different way. Hey, maybe some music under a meat cute. Hallmark movie montage, laughing over coffee, walking in the park, really connecting. I agree with what you just said, but it’s also the theme to the Sarah Silverman, Sarah Silverman, Sarah Silverman podcast.

 

studio  07:59

Okay, the next one is called Heading Home.

 

Sarah Silverman  08:02

Now, heading home. All right, heading home. Will this be the theme song that works the free? Whoa, what this sounds like. A lot of these are sound alikes. That’s what makes them free. Hey, ho, but not quite ho, hey ho, not quite the song by The Lumineers, but it’s close and it’s free, so use it, and let’s be free together for the Sarah Silverman pod, talking about the Sarah Silverman power, what a goddamn free guitar solo is happening. Can’t believe it’s free to buy, that’s not what you do, and something’s free. What’s this called? Oh, I’m heading home. I could do this all day. I hope we never land on a theme song. This is probably indulgent. This is when you go, no, not at all. I wanted to talk about something I saw this week in my own YouTube algorithm that popped up. Here’s the thing, every hmm, every few years, a man I don’t know and who does not know me becomes just extremely interested in how I live my life. Most recently, it’s this dude.

 

studio  09:47

It’s time for some free public education. Once again, for feminists, this is something that I’ve had a lot of success with, in helping women unlearn some of the toxic negative beliefs from feminists that. Are keeping them lonely, single, unmarried and childless, like actress Sarah Silverman.

 

Sarah Silverman  10:06

Oh, my god, I can’t wait to learn and for free. It’s for free and from a renowned patriarchal marriage coach, which I’m sure takes, you know, extensive training and research to achieve. And it’s just so weird that, like, why do they give a fuck these people? I remember I was emailing with Gavin McInnes, who, you know, he started the proud boys. And it’s a this is another story for another time, or maybe no time at all. But anyway, the short story is he used to be comedy community adjacent, way back when, and we were all friendly. And then he started the proud boys. So a lot of us know him oddly. And you know, proud boys actually define themselves as anti feminists. It’s an anti feminist movement, again. Why do you care? So anyway, he was telling me how feminism has ruined my life. He was explaining to me how I’m ruined by feminism. And he was like, on Valentine’s Day, you tweeted that you don’t need a man because you smelled your armpit and you already smelled like a man. And I was like, how are you aware of my tweets? I couldn’t in a millionaires recollect tweeting that. I’m sure I did tweet it because it is true. Sometimes after I work out, I have that like smell I love on men, and I produce it myself, you know, when I get my sweat on. But why on earth does he give a fuck? It’s so odd, but it just keeps coming up in my life, so I have to assume it’s coming up in other women’s lives, that there are men out of nowhere having extreme opinions about how we choose to, like, think and live our lives anyway. Also, like another example, like a few years ago, some orthodox rabbi wrote an open letter about how I need to stop being political, and I need to get married and have children to like, understand what the you know, life really is about. For a woman, and I would have never even seen it, but my dad, who, needless to say, has a Google alert on my name, saw it and responded in classic schleppy style, and it got, like, picked up everywhere. And then there was that this pastor in Florida posted his sermon on YouTube. I’m not gonna like bring attention to it, but, you know, he, in his sermon on YouTube, he told his congregation that knocking my teeth out and killing me would be God’s work because I’m a Jew witch. Maybe that’s a little off topic, and yet, is it okay? Anyway, here’s the latest this yogi, oweb, whatever his name is, bro, is very troubled by me and my personal choices. Let’s play another clip.

 

studio  13:00

And you have to wonder, how do women get to this place? So I want to take you back in time to several years ago. She was on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and Jimmy Kimmel looked through her purse, and then he found this.

 

Old Recording  13:12

It doesn’t matter. Oh, look at these.

 

Sarah Silverman  13:17

Those are condoms. Yes, I like to I give them to homeless people before they have sex.

 

studio  13:26

This is a shameless woman.

 

Sarah Silverman  13:28

It’s so funny that he thinks a talk show bit is real. How is he an expert again, and on what exactly I mean, the fucking labias on this guy. It was a bit on a talk show. And even if it was true, it’s just very odd. Okay, let’s let’s see a little more.

 

studio  13:54

We all know that logic may not always be a woman’s strong suit, so I just want to very briefly break down the science behind this, because if you’re a feminist and you’re you’re already anti Christian and anti God, you shouldn’t also be anti science. So Sarah believes in hooking up with strangers and and she’s she’s an actress, she’s a career woman. She’s got her own podcast. She also doesn’t believe in gender. These types of women are single, unmerited because they’re not even connected to who they are as women, American women today are man repellents because there’s too much masculinity and confusion inside of them, and that’s ultimately the work of the devil.

 

Sarah Silverman  14:36

Oh, there’s the science the devil. Thank you. He’s really breaking it down in a way that I can now I can understand, yeah.

 

studio  14:46

So that’s it for the free education today on how to stop being a crazy feminist. So I hope Sarah Silverman sees this and really wakes up, because the stuff coming out of her mouth is beyond in. Saying so let me know what you guys think below in the comments, and until next time, keep it classy.

 

Sarah Silverman  15:05

Keep it classy. Yes, please, keep it classy. So Yogi, I did see it. Thank you so much. You’ve really changed me. I didn’t realize that my freedom and independence was the work of the devil, but I am gonna tell Rory, you know what I need. I think a spanking. I think a just a very hard, stern spanker Rooney, get that all that feminism out of me. All right, should I take this seriously at any point? No, but, uh, what do these men have in common? I would guess, if I were a guessing man, that this is what happens when you have an existential crisis because of the progress happening around you or whatnot, but you were unable to look inward, your pain, your confusion, it has to be someone else’s fault. It’s got to be someone’s fault. Your survival depends on it. Your survival depends on this being the fault of someone or something out there, outside of your self. So it’s got to be feminism, I mean, but it’s just so funny, because feminism is one of those words that people have different definitions for. But all it means is equality. It’s just equality. That’s all it means equality, and that equality threatens his understanding of his place in the world. For some reason, I don’t know why he gives as actual fuck, but he has no choice but to peddle this concept of there needs to be boys and girls and patriarchy and women who know their place, he is having a crisis of existence, and he is addressing it by buying a pipe and deciding he’s a professor. Oh, oh, buddy, you are fine, just the way you are. Look at you. I have literally nothing to do with your life. I, for all you know, I don’t even exist. We’re in brains and jars, and I’m just part of your narrative. You know, maybe take a psychedelic and find yourself. Look at you. You’re handsome, you you wear a collared shirt. Well, you’re well, cut. You’re well, Kempt. Kempt. That’s a real word. Kempt. You’re winning. You got this. I just can’t imagine why these men are just so disturbed by just me over here living my life. Rory, you have any comments on this? Because I’m going to move on to voicemails.

 

Voicemail 1  18:11

No, I think you’re right. I think, you know, look, you know, I grew up.

 

Sarah Silverman  18:16

Oh, am I right? Oh, do you think I’m right man?

 

Voicemail 1  18:21

Well, listen, let me justify, let me justify your lady thoughts by saying they’re correct.

 

Sarah Silverman  18:29

Thank you so much.

 

Voicemail 1  18:31

Let me give you a man thumbs up. No, I you, you know this about me, like I grew up in the toxic masculine world, and I, you know you have to deprogram yourself on that stuff. And I’m only the last few years being that been thrown in my face, and am I learning about it? And like this dude, the problem is this is like, if you’re if the world that you live in only works, only works, if people like you don’t exist, if women with independent thoughts and ideas don’t exist. Otherwise, the whole paradigm that they were living in is broken, so they don’t know what to do. And so, like you said, instead of looking inward and going, you know, maybe I got to make some adjustments here, you know, they do the opposite, which is, lash out, you you know, you don’t. I’m not a fan of giving these guys any oxygen. But what’s amazing about you is you’ll probably, like, end up like, you know, teaching him and like, you know, I would rather him just meet me at sushi through me tonight after a four year old. But, you know, I think that you’re totally right. And I think that the internet is like, right with these guys who are holding on to, you know, something that they think is what makes the world make sense, you know, they can’t let go of it. And so it’s, you know, it is sad in some ways. I just, I’m at a point now where there’s just too many morons out there to care about.

 

Sarah Silverman  19:49

All the world is such a scary place for guys like this, for you know, and you know, what he doesn’t realize is all of us develop. Develop, either are taught or develop survival skills to get through childhood, to be able to make sense of this world and to just survive. But as adults, it’s our job to unlearn those things that no longer serve us. But he can’t bear the thought to unlearn those things. Those things are what he’s based his whole world on, and it’s scary when that falls apart, that house of cards, you know?

 

Voicemail 1  20:26

Yep, it is. I don’t know.

 

Sarah Silverman  20:28

It’s not very brave to do a dissertation on how a stranger you don’t know is living her life wrong. It’s a little more brave to look at your own shit. But you know.

 

Voicemail 1  20:41

Yes, he’s not going to do that. He’s gonna, he’s gonna do his podcast. Say dumb shit, go to the gym and then go to the eyes odd store.

 

Sarah Silverman  20:51

The eyes odd store.

 

Voicemail 1  20:54

and I shouldn’t have dragged eyes on.

 

Sarah Silverman  20:57

Come on. I grew up in New Hampshire as a big eyes, odd town, very LL Bean.

 

Voicemail 1  21:03

That’s fair, well, listen, I think, I think your feminism is what’s ruining the world, but I date you. You know, I can get over it.

 

Old Recording  21:14

I appreciate that. I appreciate

 

Voicemail 1  21:18

Yeah, all right. Well, have a, have a great rest of your podcast.

 

Sarah Silverman  21:21

All right, baby, talk to you later.

 

Voicemail 1  21:24

See you later.

 

Brenna  21:47

Hi, Sarah, my name is Brenna. I’m just calling because I have left this cute little chocolate shop in Bentonville, Arkansas, where the infamous Alice Walton was checking out in front of me, along with her three assistants, and all of which I am hoping have their driver’s license paid for their chocolate goodies in front of us, and those fucking assholes didn’t fucking tip, and it’s covid world and it’s their playground, and just needed a place to vocalize the fact that we witnessed evil in a pure form today, the cutest chocolate shop, and I’m going to plug their name, so feel free to cut me off, but it’s Markham and Fitz in the Eighth Street Market in Bentonville, Arkansas. Highly suggest 10 out of 10 go in and tip and say this is because the fucking Waltons fucking stuck in ruin Bentonville.

 

Sarah Silverman  22:50

Wow, this Walton family there, this Walton family is proof that. Okay, so these are the Walton family in America. They’re the richest, I I’m sure, the richest family in America, one of the richest families in the world. They own Walmart. They are proof that the richest people are so fucking cheap. I mean, I see proof of it again and again in micro and macro scales. Fuck I don’t think it’s possible to be multi billionaires without fucking over the people that work for you. They’re cheap, you know, I could also say this woman is very rich, very pampered. She probably has no idea how how tipping works. This is not an excuse for her. I’m just saying she’s probably never tipped anyone in her life. It’s probably not any part of her consciousness. This family, the Waltons. I don’t like talking then in absolutes, they are disgusting. They Walmart doesn’t pay taxes. Not only that, they’re so goddamn cheap. The Waltons, these people, on top of being so fucking rich and not paying corporate taxes, they suck off the government teat, I’ll tell you how, because we did an episode of this on the Hulu show, they they do not pay their employee is a working wage because they can legally get away with doing that. The minimum wage is not a living wage. So what they do is they instruct their employees how to get government assistance. Mm. We pay Walmart’s employees through our taxes, because they get they need government assistance to to be able to live whilst working full time at Walmart. That’s how gross they are. So I would say, yes, you can go ahead and tell them all to suck an egg, including Alice. Alice is worth $61 billion she is, um, that’s just her family. Slice. Whole family should be ashamed of themselves. She’s the, the 20th richest person and the second richest woman in the world, and she cannot be bothered to tip a server at a chocolate shop. And that’s how they are, though, that’s how they are. They’re rich, they skimp, they’re cheap. I have looked her up before. She is not a philanthropist. I’ll tell you where she puts her money in politics. She’s donated to the left, she’s donated to the right, whoever’s in power, because that’s in their best interest, money. All they know is money. All they equate happiness with success with is money, no matter how it’s accrued. Is that the right word accrued? And we wonder why there aren’t regulations for the uber rich in this country. They finance our representatives. It’s fucking gross. It’s why Citizens United has to end, because it’s legal corruption. Citizens United, it sounds so nice, is the thing where corporations count as people, and they can just give money to to politics, politicians. This woman could end world hunger. She could make sure every single person who wants an education has one. She could if she wanted to. She could do it. Her family could do it, but they don’t. It wouldn’t even occur to them. I don’t think it would even occur to them. No wonder we’re going extinct. We’re cunts as an animal, we’re fucking greedy cunts. I don’t remember the question, but what else?

 

27:27

Sarah, actually, we got some, some friends, some activity on the friends line this week.

 

Sarah Silverman  27:33

Very exciting. Who do we got?

 

Susie  27:36

Sarah, there’s something on your podcast that’s really easy, and I just, I’m sorry, but I just have to call you on it, liquid IV. I mean, isn’t all IV liquid? I mean, shouldn’t it be called drinkable IV? Also, I got me cracks.

 

Sarah Silverman  27:57

Well, this was definitely a misdirect, because I talked about Israel last week. And, you know, we don’t we see eye to we see like one eye to one eye. But that’s hilarious. I love you, Rabbi Susie, and that’s a really good point. Liquid IV. All IV is liquid I’ve never heard of a chunky IV or a, you know, Lumpy or thick or solid IV. So great tip for our often sponsor, liquid IV, drinkable IV. Think about it, so dumb. What else?

 

Annie  28:45

Hi, my name is Annie, and I go to college in North Carolina, and I have a question for you. I recently lost my virginity, and we’ve had sex like a couple times, and it doesn’t feel good, like it doesn’t hurt, it just doesn’t feel good. How do you get like, the sex, part of sex to feel good?

 

Sarah Silverman  29:06

Thanks, okay, that was a great question, and I’m glad you called, and I hope that I can help you. First of all, sex is something that takes a while to figure out what you like, what works for you, or maybe you’re not sexual. You know, there’s, it’s, it’s, there’s Myriad. I just want to use myriad, I would say, masturbate, and really try to notice while you’re masturbating, what feels good and what you’re thinking about when you come to fruition. You know what’s because the you might realize, like what your fantasy is, or what you’re thinking about, or the words that you’re thinking about, or the stuff that you’re watching. Uh, maybe that’s something you could somehow conjure up during sex, and also just the way you’re pressing, or, I’m more of a presser, but like, what you’re doing to make yourself orgasm, like, break it down. You know, it’s hard. It’s like, it’s like, when you have to explain a pain, and you it’s hard to, like, explain it. It’s not simple. It’s like, well, it’s like, if I taken a breath, it’s like a sharp pain in my back. But it’s, you know, you have to really have a little bit of a razor, sharp focus and notice, try to notice and be communicative. That’s a long word with your partner. Be honest with your partner. You know, I found that men are very are usually very good at communicating with you what they like. I find out very early in a sexual relationship, if this is someone who likes his balls tickled or squeezed or not touched, or has put a little finger just like the promise of a finger near an asshole, or he likes more of his the head or the more of his shaft, or whatever the fuck. Everyone’s different. I find I learned that pretty early on in a sexual relationship, because men are very communicative with what they want you to do, and you have to assume they would like the same and kind let your partner know what you need, what they can do to to make you feel good. And if they’re put off by that, try another partner. But sometimes you got to do a little research. You know, some women have an orgasm from someone going down on them. Some prefer penetration. It’s a lot of trial and error. But what fun, trial and error. He doesn’t need to be the one leading, or whoever your partner is, I think you said him, and what a fun excursion to figure out what feels good on your body. Sounds like a good idea all around I really, you know. And you know some, some people are not into sex, but it does take, uh, sometimes some elbow grease, to find out. Sex is there for us to be enjoyed. So, you know, figure out how that is for you, what that looks like for you. There’s the time to figure it out, workshop that shit. All right, what else?

 

Mark  32:47

Hi, Sarah, my name is Mark, and I am in my 50s, and I have a question for you, because I’ve never really understood this, and this is probably going to sound silly, but I hear this all the time, that you need to love yourself, love yourself first. And I don’t understand that, not because I’m stupid, but because it just doesn’t make sense to me, how you I can love myself, so that’s my question for you, and I hope it makes sense. I just don’t get it because I feel like I’ve got too many flaws that prevent me from ever loving myself. I hope that makes sense, thanks.

 

Sarah Silverman  33:54

All right, Mark, I would ask you this, do you only love unflawed people? I don’t know if you know the answer to this, but I do. It’s no because there are no unflawed people. Everyone is flawed. There is not an unflawed person on this earth. And if you love anyone at all, you love someone who is flawed. Can you believe it? They deserve love even though they’re flawed? RuPaul says that at the end of every one of his shows, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? You may think that you can loathe yourself or not love yourself or not accept yourself. That’s what that is accepting yourself and still be able to love someone else. But I self loathing person, a person that does not accept themselves, who does not understand that they deserve love. When they do find love, they end up loathing that person. Why? Because they love them back, because what kind of asshole would love me? My guess is that you tend to chase after unrequited love someone who does not love you back because you respect them for it, and that’s heartbreaking. Is that a pattern in your life? When you get love back, do you find it disgusting? That’s why you have to accept yourself with all your flaws. First and foremost, you won’t even believe how much extra space it leaves for other people to love other people and accept them warts and all. The goal is loving yourself, so that when someone loves you, you’re not disgusted by it. You respect it. It makes sense, because you know that you are worthy of love just the way you are. Mr. Rogers says it, he told me years ago through the TV screen, he said there’s no one in this whole planet that can fuck What did he say? He says nobody has the ability to be you but you. You’re the only one who can be you, and I like you just the way you are. I think it’s something like that. All right, what else you know? What I was thinking the other day, who decided it’s pussy juice? Why is it a juice? Who made that decision? Everyone went along with it. Why isn’t it pussy water? Or, I know why it’s not pussy milk. That’s because that’s the most disgusting two words I’ve probably ever put together in my life, pussy milk, unless it’s like pussy milk with like a Q, U, E at the end, milk, pussy milk. That would be okay. That would be like the hottest club in town, but pussy juice? Who decided that whats being juiced? I guess your vagina. You know what? That does make sense? I would say, I think I would pick pussy juice if I had to choose what we called it. It’s pussy juice. All right, I’m on I like it. Thanks for letting me talk this through. Dad, we’re winding down. This is the time where I say rate review wherever you listen to your podcast, if you like watching it with your eye holes, watch it on YouTube. And hey, we’d love to know what your favorite parts are each week, whether if you make a clip yourself and post it and tag me on Instagrams or just say, you know I liked this part, I liked that part, either leave a comment on YouTube or let me know on Twitter or Instagram. If you just tag me, I want to see what you like. All right, you wanna? Let’s do it.