Beauty in the Grit
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Description
Air proudly identifies as a Black woman in long term recovery. Today, that’s a source of strength, but that wasn’t always the case — she says she felt uncomfortable in her skin since the day she was born. In an intimate and vulnerable conservation with Nzinga, Air shares how she’s learned to take the moments of discomfort and uncertainty and use them to connect with herself, her community, and her identity. It is in these harder moments that Air finds the most beauty and pride in her life.
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Transcript
SPEAKERS
Dr. Nzinga Harrison, Claire Jones, Ariel Britt
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 00:03
It is the Monday after Thanksgiving. Thank you for joining me. I’m Dr. Nzinga Harrison and you’re listening to IN RECOVERY, a show about all things addiction, not just drugs, but exercise, sex, porn, food, all of it.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
I’m your host, doctor, psychiatrist, addiction expert, Chief Medical Officer, co-founder of Eleanor Health. And special shout out to my dear friend Shareen Herndon Brown, who emailed me last week and said, I need you to add friend to your introduction at the show. My friends or my village who keep me going. So thank you for that. Definitely friend. With that, we’ll jump right into the show with an amazing guest.
Claire Jones
This guest is truly amazing. So let’s get to it.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
IN RECOVERY listeners, I am so excited to have our guests this week, Ariel Britt affectionately known as Air to those of us who are lucky enough to have known her in real life. And by real life, I mean, over Zoom. Welcome to the show Air.
Ariel Britt
Hi, it’s so good to be here. Thank you for having me.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
Yeah, so just as a little background, because I really want you to tell us about yourself. But listeners, the way I came to know about Air was by a friend of mine, and I hope you don’t mind me calling your name on this podcast, Greg Williams, of third horizons strategies, sent me this podcast and said, I think you’ll really appreciate her voice. And I clicked on the link that he sent me and you know, I’m a crybaby, I was immediately pouring tears at the genuine, honest, just like no holds barred, full sharing of yourself that you were doing as a black woman in recovery on your podcast, which is called BEAUTY IN THE GRIT. And so I just got to stop talking and hand it over to you Air to tell our listeners who you are, where you are in life, how BEAUTY IN THE GRIT got started, like just help us get to know you.
Ariel Britt
Nzinga, so much love my heart is so full. So I’m a black woman in long term recovery from a substance use disorder. I actually just celebrated nine years on Friday. I have a deflated balloon that I bought for myself, okay, in the corner of my living room. It’s coming down quick. And that’s amazing. And because of my recovery, I get to be a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a colleague. And just somebody that is like always committed to speaking my truth so that other people can find their way in this life. I think that’s what it’s all about. It’s about relationships for me today, most importantly, with myself and then with others. And so that’s not how my life was like I grew up. My mom was a single parent for majority of the time, and she raised four girls by herself. And she was younger than I was. I’m 35. And I can’t imagine what that was like. And so one thing that she really instilled in us was education, making sure that we were always focused on doing better because as black young girls, how else were we going to be able to succeed in a society, she just saw that as a pathway for herself. And that’s how she was raised. And so I’ve had to assimilate and find my way in predominantly white spaces because my mom would bus us for an hour just to make sure that we could go to that really good school. I found myself just feeling really uncomfortable and sensitive in my own skin and not feeling seen or heard.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
How early was this for you Air? With you became aware of feeling uncomfortable in your own skin? How young were you?
Ariel Britt
I feel like I came out of the womb crying. I just remember that. And I remember my mom telling me how I was as a little kid, her always having to hold me. She couldn’t do anything. And her friends would joke about that. Like I had to be on her hip as she was just navigating, cleaning and doing all these things. I just felt really unsafe from the get go. But it really happened when I think I realized I wasn’t white. I just felt like there was always a loom like I felt like this is going to be hard. So when you’re going at that with a four-year old’s mind and how you’re going to navigate life like you’re doomed after you trying to figure out how to survive at such a young age.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
Especially when nobody’s having that conversation. Right? I didn’t know you were gonna say from birth and as young as four years old. But I think it’s really important when we talk about biological, psychological, social, cultural, political. Biologically, we know that babies are born with what we call temperament. And so you were born with an anxious, fearful temperament. And then the world was reinforcing that for you as you grew up.
Ariel Britt
Absolutely.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
Reinforcing psychologically and socially that danger.
Ariel Britt
Yes.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
All right, keep us walking forward in the life of Ariel.
Ariel Britt
Yes. So I played around with alcohol and drugs. When I was about 16 years old, a lot of my friends were doing it. So I thought that like, I wanted to be like them I wanted to fit in. But I couldn’t like my mom was like, absolutely not. I’m gonna need you to be home at this time, I will ground you for years.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
When the lights go off. Come home.
Ariel Britt 06:00
I will ground for a year. And so when I just could not wait to get to college, I found myself at the University of Michigan, just stuck between this where I grew up with all my white friends that got to know me in the best way that they could and then I’m going to predominate white institution. And then I’m again feeling really isolated. And then the students are coming from Detroit and other spaces. Like why do you talk like that? Like, where are you from? You sound like the mom off of Bobby’s world. And I was like, No, I wear Birkenstocks and like holes in there, like, Where are they? Where are you from? Like, I’m from Michigan, you know? So that was like, okay, we’re drinking more. Yeah, that just took me away from school. Sooner or later, majority of my friends weren’t going to the University of Michigan, their local townies, there are people that I was meeting, as I started to ramp up my substance use and then more trauma started happening and all that and I couldn’t graduate.
So I moved, dropped out of school, and that just became even more isolated. I just felt dead inside. Let me be real with you. Like, I just felt so cold, I could not connect. And so Alicia Keys, and Jay Z came out with New York State Of Mind. And I was like, I have to move to New York. Like, this is a sign you know, so I did a geographic my sister I lived in Jersey City and shortly after that, about a year after I lived there, it got bad enough where I got into recovery. And my life has been completely different ever since I guess I just needed that. This is you; this is between you and you. I had physical consequences, emotional consequences because I wouldn’t have stopped. I wouldn’t up and so since that day, November 5th, my last drink I’ve just been sober. I use 12 step recovery. That’s what works for me it’s been a great journey.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 08:01
Let me go back to what you said a couple of things I want to push on so when you said I felt cold so cold inside so disconnected, but I wouldn’t have stopped if it wasn’t for the physical and the emotional consequences so it’s really that catch 22 that we see with a person with severe active addiction that is really struggling. But the illness has so much like pull and its own snowball that even though you’re like struggling and struggling, what was it when you heard New York State Of Mind that called you? Because it’s something about that made you think you were gonna go there and get connected or like, what was it?
Ariel Britt
I just like, I would sing, but I’m not gonna do that.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
No, I insist.
Ariel Britt
“Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There’s nothing you can do.” You know what I mean? It was just I need to go there. I need to go there because I’m a big fish in a little pond. I thought that it was the state of Michigan, it was the people that I was around. I was so self-avoidant. Like it had to be something outside of myself that was causing this self-destruction. I couldn’t find my own responsibility. I couldn’t do that. And I couldn’t even see that it was substance use. That was the common denominator until I was so isolated and alone. And I had everything, I had New York City, I had all the opportunity, but then I just became one of many, and I would see that, that I finally thought I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. But I was still finding myself attracted into the same life. That was stunning to me. And that was awful to me. Because the feelings and the emotional turmoil that I was trying to avoid, because of Michigan, existed in me, and it got louder in New York City.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 10:10
So that’s an inflection point that easily could have made your substance use disorder worse, like that could have been the path to death, honestly, to just call it what it is. Is there a moment for you? I know some people have a moment where like the decision is able to be made or how did that come the path to recovery for you instead of the path to death, because that’s what we’re trying to, if we can figure out that for other people, and even help usher them to that path, that’s what we’re trying to do.
Ariel Britt
Yes, in my experience, there comes a moment where using substances doesn’t work, and you forget, where all the pain and stuff is coming from. And that’s what it was, for me. I also had a group of friends that came to visit me, and they were eating food. And I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to drink and party and I was like, When was the last time I ate? And it was all these little moments that kind of came into my mind. But at the end of the day, there was a moment where I thought I was cool, because I was using party drugs. But those were no longer numbing out that feeling. It was Michigan football game. And I love Michigan football. And that’s always been a great way for me to party amongst friends. And I had some friends that I’ve met, and we’re partying at the bar, and I’m buying drinks for everyone. And they all went home. And I was just like, I have no one, like no one is really calling my phone. I’m really close with the bartenders on the Lower East Side. And that was just so eerie to me. And I remember just feeling so sad and not wanting to go home because there was nothing there for me. And I got home somehow. And I don’t remember how and I woke up and my friend was calling me. And she was just saying like, Are you okay, like you called me crying last night? I never saw myself. It’s like the crying girl at the bar.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 12:08
You’re the party girl.
Ariel Britt
Exactly. That’s how the disease really got me. The disease of addiction affects the only part and only organ in your body that tells you don’t have it. It’s so cunning. It was just such a moment. And I’m just so grateful that within that short window, I connected with somebody. And they told me to go to a 12-step meeting. And since then it was just like, boom, you’re done.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
The first 12 step meeting you went to, it resonated with you?
Ariel Britt 1
Yeah, let me tell you why. There was a black woman sharing her story.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
You saw yourself.
Claire Jones
We’re gonna take a quick break, and we will be right back.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
I want to push on two things. So one, you said, this disease is the only one where the organ that’s affected tells you, you don’t have it. Powerful, like so profound. And as you were saying that sentence, and what came to my mind was this disease is the only one where the organ tells you who you are. And so I felt like the disease of addiction was telling you, you’re a party girl. That’s the way to connect to people. That’s who you are. And when those friends came, and they were all eating, like they were all being connected. And it was like who you are, the disease is telling you who you are as the party girl. And maybe when you saw that black woman, stand up at your first 12 step meeting, your brain realized who you are could be somebody different.
Ariel Britt 14:08
And it was a scariest moment of my life.
Claire Jones
What was scary about it?
Ariel Britt
It was to feel so seen and heard. And for me, that’s what the power of storytelling does. This one is able to describe what I felt to not feel alone in your own experience. It’s so healing and she didn’t even know it and I’ll never forget her face. I’ll never forget that moment of finally really being seen. And then having that moment where I’m like, maybe I am more than this. Maybe this is exactly where I need to be. And so I started chasing that. I started chasing that.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
And I loved so it really hit me at the very beginning when I was like Air, tell the people who you are. Let people know who you are. And you said I’m a black woman in long term recovery, I felt the power in being able, in a system why hetero male no drug addiction, no mental health. That’s what we value kind of culture to be able to show up and be like, I’m a black woman in long term recovery. So walk us forward, you saw that woman in that room, you gave yourself 30 days at the end of that 30 days. Take us from there.
Ariel Britt
Yes, at the end of the 30 days, my life had gotten exponentially better. I had people to hang out with who connected with me in a way that I had never experienced in my life. I had a place to go to. And right away, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it alone. So I just follow 12 steps. So I got a sponsor, I did all the things that work the steps, and I really just engrossed myself deeper. What keeps me in the darkest places, even to this day is shame. You deserve a party, you’re a terrible person. Those are the loudest narrative that my disease really likes to own. And so I just started opening my heart and opening myself up to the truth of that being okay, that some of the things that I did in my life and the things that I experienced were because I was not being treated like my disease was winning.
16:27
And so as I ventured through that I started working as a nanny, which I love kids. And I remember, I probably was like, six or seven months sober. And the folks that I was naming for were like, why are you here? They’re like, you’re too good for this job. And I was like, excuse me, me? And they’re like, go back to school. Like, tell us more about that. So I got honest with them about that. And I was like, let me just look into this. Because I was so scared. I felt like I did a lot of harm to myself, and I wasn’t a good student at Michigan. So I just called them and they’re like, Yeah, no, this is what you need to do to come back, pay a little bit of money register for classes, you’re good to go. And this is what you need to do to graduate. And so I decided, right before I caught my first year of sobriety, to move back home and go back to school, I knew I was running towards something. But I was working towards my past, which was really scary to be back on a campus where I Oh, I threw up in that bush, and I yelled at that person. What if I see my old dealers, old friends? Like how am I going to navigate that, so I was terrified.
But a woman at a meeting said, Ariel, you have friends there that you haven’t even met yet, you know, recovery is everywhere. And I just need to find my people and trust in something bigger that like, it’s okay to feel like you’re going backwards to finish something to catapult you into the next. And so that’s what I did, I moved back, went back to school got connected with the collegiate recovery program and students in recovery that just started up. So I even had a deeper connection. And I was connecting with other students in recovery. And that just felt like a cool college experience and cool high school experience that I’ve never had, where we would study together, hang out. And there’s some of my best friends still to this day.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 18:16
So I would like us to count the number of times that Air says connected, connection, connecting No, seriously. because it is your mantra, it weaves through everything that you’re saying. And that’s really what I want. Like, I want for people to be able to say I’m a black woman in long term recovery, or whoever, in early recovery, or I’m a whoever, and I want to get in recovery, or I’m a whoever and I’m using and I’m trying to figure it out, right? Like I just want people to be able to know that, that will result in an embrace, and connection, connection, connection. But something stood out to me that you said, your darkest places come from shame. And that you continue to experience that even after you were not drinking. And so some people will think like the drinking and the drug use are the source of all the problems. So if you just stopped drinking and using all of everything else will go away. You already told us your root cause started way before you took the first drink or picked up the first drug. And so what else did you find once you stopped drinking and using and how did you navigate the other things you found?
Ariel Britt
For me, I remember being about nine days sober. And that’s when I had my first overwhelming sense of doom and I didn’t even know that voice in my head. And I remember was just telling me like you can’t, you should just die. I remember being like oh, this is why, this is why I started drinking. Using it was to numb out all of the true symptoms. And as I’ve navigated my recovery, it’s just been another thing that I’ve noticed that I have to really uncover. And so community connection, taking care of myself holistically is so important. I didn’t get sober and I didn’t get in recovery just to be mediocre. For me, what I learned on my journey is that I got sober and I got into recovery to have a life. Every day feels like it’s just the beginning and an opportunity for me to do some beautiful things for myself. And sometimes the world feels like it wants me dead. It doesn’t want me in these spaces. And so I have to, I have to stay connected to something bigger. And I find that easily in friendships and in community and people.
20:15
So I hear you, which I love talking in infinitive tense, ING, meaning in progress on going. But do you feel like even though it’s in progress and ongoing, have you reached feeling comfortable in your skin? Or will that always be an ongoing process?
Oh, I reached it. I reached it. And the way that I know I reached it, because I feel that way more than I don’t. The interesting thing is, is like I had to be patient, because I’m very resistant. I’m very stubborn. And for me, it took a long time for me to get into therapy. And that happened when I was, yeah, when I was five or six years sober. And people were like, you should go to therapy. And I was like, I worked the steps. But little Air was just like, excuse me, um, we’re dying over here. For me, it was like, oh, wow, there’s a lot of unconscious behaviors and unconscious things that I can’t navigate by myself. I can’t just community away that. And so really learning how to spend time with myself to feel safe enough to spend time with myself, didn’t happen until about five years.
Claire Jones 22:20
You said I feel more in my skin than I don’t. And I think that’s something so interesting. Because it doesn’t mean you have to feel comfortable in your skin 100% of the time, in these moments when you’re not feeling that way. Or when you sort of got to that point where you were like, Okay, I have to figure out what it feels like to be comfortable in my skin and be by myself. What did that look like for you? Like, what did you actually start to do in that moment? To feel okay doing that?
Ariel Britt
Yes. So I had a catalyst. So when I was five years sober, I was assaulted by a man in a position of power. And I was isolated in Georgia, I just moved for a job and it broke me because these things can happen when Air is using right? But sober Air, like how did you let this happen? How did you miss that? And so that catalyst pushed me to really question that voice in my head. And I had to fight it. I had to fight for my life, honestly, and I didn’t feel comfortable going to 12 steps in the south, I hadn’t been able to find my community. I was also working in recovery, so new. So I had to figure out what I was going to do. So for me working out was really helpful. Praying was really helpful. I think at that point, I was just trying to even eat better foods and just try to honor myself. I was asking for help. But my family was like, we want to fly you home. I was like, absolutely. I wasn’t doing this. Like, no, I got this. I’m good. Everything’s fine. It’s good. It’s like no, I need help.
24:03
That idea that I have to feel good all the time. I just stopped that. I just, I just had to stop them. Sometimes it creeps in a little bit like you should be feeling a little differently. And I’m like, No, no, I am a vast expression of a human. I’m gonna feel sad sometimes. And so I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling, which was anger, rage, sadness. I remembered what I told myself when I first got sober was that I’d be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I just did not know that, that would be vulnerability. So that’s what gets me through. It’s just what if I just felt it and that’s therapy, right? Like, what if you just felt how you felt or needed to feel right now. It’s like what? That’s an option? I don’t have time for a nervous breakdown. It’s like well, you will have a nervous breakdown. If you don’t punch this pillow right now. I can’t avoid my trauma. It’ll come out sideways. And then guess what will happen? I’ll drink again.
Claire Jones
We’re gonna take a quick break, and we will be right back.
Claire Jones
It seems like storytelling and using your voice is a really big part of what Nzinga calls your magic formula. Can you sort of tell us a little bit about what that process was like for you? Like, how did you come to find that? And how did you then come to also like, use it?
Ariel Britt 25:45
So I remember, being in Georgia, I had a friend of mine who asked me to be a part of a campaign for his job and was on folks in recovery. And I remember sitting in that chair, and I had shared my story many times before, at this point, I’d spoken at the White House, I had done a lot of things that just naturally gravitated towards me. But that moment sitting in that chair, and him asking me a question, just like if you could say anything to somebody, what would you share and just spoke with my heart. And then after I was done, it was just this intuitive voice that this is what you’re supposed to do with your life. This is it. And I wouldn’t have been able to know that voice if I hadn’t gotten quiet enough to hear it. And it happens. And so when I moved to Denver, I was like, podcasts seem to be really popular. Maybe BEAUTY IN THE GRIT is a podcast, because I rather speak than write. And so I just got that into my mind. And here in Denver, there’s a production company, a podcast company called HOUSE OF POD. And somebody sent me a flyer, a friend of mine was like, Hey, are you going to this and so it was a women of color panel about how to get experience in podcast as a woman of color and I’m gonna go to that.
And I checked it out, I had put my name on their mailing list. And then probably about nine months later, they sent me an email about a women of color incubator. And then I had friends that were also on the list who had seen it in other spaces sending it to me, like you just see this. Did you see it? I’m like, Ah, okay, okay. I want to do it. And so I sign, submitted my application I got in one of eight, I believe. And then I want it. And I want it. Now it’s like, what’s next? What’s next? So I’m excited. I’m excited to see how this how I’m used for me, it’s just, it’s just a privilege to be alive. It’s an honor to be vocal and to feel comfortable. For me, I can’t imagine not doing this. I will not feel a part of this world. I will not feel happy if I’m not speaking my truth. And now it’s just a matter of like, how do I do that? Who else, who’s next?
Dr. Nzinga Harrison 28:03
You use the word holistically, which is exactly the same as bio, psycho, social, cultural, political. It’s like a doctor way to say a holistically. So if you think about, like those angles, biologically, psychologically, socially, culturally, politically, what are the pieces that you’re working every day, in your magic formula that keep you living life?
Ariel Britt
I wake up in gratitude, I do something, I say something, even if it’s just looking down at my feet, walking to the bathroom, turning on the faucet and seeing that the water is streaming. And I did nothing to do that, to get that. It’s just provided for just trying to find the littlest moments and understanding that I talk to somebody in recovery every single day. I really think that just saves me I woke up this morning, my best friend had already texted me. I got on the phone with him right away. And we’re just catching up and like, oh, did you know this girl, you know, just laughing is really, really helpful and being seen by that. And I also still have a sponsor now that I call every day to so for me, and she doesn’t answer the phone, which is great. So it’s like I’m talking to the voicemail and I’m just spewing something. Just saying like, this is what’s going on. And so those are like totally my staples and I try to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner.
That’s definitely something that I’ve learned too is I cannot afford to not feed my body with real food right now. I’m just I’m that sensitive and then I definitely try to go to bed grateful and if I can find a moment to help somebody, whether it’s through my colleagues, or just even myself, being kind to somebody and putting somebody else’s needs before myself, gives me a sense of purpose. Sometimes, especially during these times, it has been such a stunning experience to be alive and to watch the world and especially America unfold in such a way and to remember that my grandparents remember my mom, remember my ancestors and what they’ve endured and what they’ve experienced, and to see that I am, I’m safe and that I get to be a part of furthering that message and furthering that design, that my experience matters, that I get to be all of myself, like, I’m not going to turn off the skin for anybody.
30:56
And so anything that I can do just to say thank you at a deeper level for that and to feel into that, and that just brings me so much peace and endurance. I think a lot of folks are looking for endurance. It’s whatever it takes in a whole new way. Things can feel divisive. Things can feel really scary, beholding their memory and my heart. And honoring that is just I can breathe, I can breathe, and I can remember that my blood is It is designed to survive a lot.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
I knew I was gonna love you. And I do.
Ariel Britt
I love you too.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
So roll us out Air, roll us out. For the people who are listening who can hear themselves being seen and heard by you on this podcast today. Word of Wisdom, one piece of advice for a person who’s struggling using early in recovery, later in recovery. Just about getting connected or whatever.
Ariel Britt 32:14
That person and to those people. Thank you so much for listening and hearing me and being with me, I see you. I know you. And I just want to tell you that you are worthy of a life beyond comprehension. It is your birthright. It is your birthright to find exactly what you need. Exactly what you’re looking for, you weren’t born to go at this alone, you aren’t born to feel like you just need to numb out completely. There are friends. There’s a community, I am with you in the most loving way possible. And the thing of it is it’s not just me, it’s not just me. There are people who have walked this walk before you who will walk the walk behind you, and who are walking it right beside you that you can’t even see that you don’t even know but just open your minds, open your heart, walk your feet, move towards it. So thank you for listening, what a gift it is to know you and to be seen by you.
Dr. Nzinga Harrison
So Claire, and I would usually spend some time doing education or something like that. But that was so powerful. And I felt it so deeply that I just want to end there. And let us all right out on the beauty of those words that Air just shared with us. So we will talk to y’all next week.
CREDITS
IN RECOVERY is a Lemonada Media Original. The show is produced by Claire Jones and edited by Ivan Kuraev. Jackie Danziger is our supervising producer. Our theme was composed by Dan Molad with additional music by Ivan Kuraev. Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer are our executive producers. Rate us review us and say nice things. Follow us at @lemonadamedia across all social platforms, or find me on Twitter at @naharrisonmd. If you’ve learned from us, share the show with your others. Let’s help destigmatize addiction together.
