I Still See Narcissists
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Description
For the final episode of Season 1, Jaime’s going back to the beginning and talking about narcissists. Being in a relationship with a narcissist was a pivotal moment in her life, and she wants to help others who find themselves in the same situation she was in 20 years ago. First up, a woman who divorced a narcissist but sees their daughter exhibiting similar traits. Then, someone wondering how to navigate interactions with her partner’s narcissistic father, whose behavior has caused a rift in the family. Finally, a listener who needs advice on how to leave her narcissist husband.
FYI: Tell Me What to Do contains mature language and themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.
Please note, this show is hosted and produced by a team that does not have any clinical or other mental or physical health training. If you are having a health or mental health crisis or emergency, please contact 911. For non-emergency mental health and addiction needs, try https://www.samhsa.gov for national and local resources.
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For additional resources, information, and a transcript of the episode, visit www.lemonadamedia.com/show/tmwtd
Transcript
SPEAKERS
Jackson & Jaime Primak Sullivan
Jaime Primak Sullivan 00:00
People say I overshare, it bothers them. I don’t fucking care.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
You shouldn’t have vaginas on a plane. Because if you didn’t, we wouldn’t have snakes crawling out to their holy [UNCLEAR]. Oh, stay calm. It’s everywhere. They don’t even read the article. They’re mad at the vaginas immediately. It’s the vaginas fault.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Hey, guys, what’s up? It’s Jaime Primak Sullivan and I am your host of the TELL ME WHAT TO DO podcast and I am joined this week and every week with Jackson. Say hi, Jackson.
Jackson
Hi, Jackson.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Oh my god. That’s like walk this way. Walk this way member from let’s do the time off again walk this way. And they like drag their feet anyway. I think that’s like actually a Frankenstein thing. But I’m not sure. I’m recording this what’s in Jaime’s head after I actually recorded the podcast. So I’m going to tell you guys that last night we had a bunch of tornadoes in Birmingham. And it was crazy. Did you hear the sirens?
Jackson
I heard the lightning.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Oh, well, you can’t really hear lightning.
Jackson
I heard the thunder, excuse me.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
What’s going on in the world right now? Oh, can we talk about transgender in the military for a second?
Jackson
Please.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
We have to. Can you imagine telling somebody that wants to serve their country that they shouldn’t be able to? Like the amount of people who have never served in the military who have such strong opinions about it? Blows my mind. I did not make that sacrifice for my country. Like how dare I tell someone else who’s willing to die for my freedom. I don’t really want you to do that. Because you were born with a penis. And now you have boobs. Can you imagine the audacity?
Jackson 02:05
Well, I only because it happened that I can imagine.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Only because it’s real life, Jaime. Jackson, how do you feel about that?
Jackson
I feel having done a little bit of reading.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay, I want to know.
Jackson
And knowing that it boils down to the medical procedures and whether or not they should be paid for under like military insurance. But also knowing that like Viagra gets paid for under military insurance in amounts that.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Wait I’m sorry, what?
Jackson
The military pays for Viagra for the soldiers.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
You are lying.
Jackson
No, not lying at all, at a level that is far and above more expensive than having to pay for any sort of transition surgery or hormones for soldiers.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay.
Jackson
There’s also been discussions of like battlefield cohesion and whether or not having a transgender soldier with in a particular platoon would mess with that. But doesn’t discrimination lead to less battlefield cohesion because people are being discriminated against?
Jaime Primak Sullivan
What the fuck is battle here?
Jackson
Just like being able to rely on your fellow soldiers.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Really? So, whether a person identifies as a man or a woman is going to make it hard for you to know whether you can depend on someone that’s where we are?
Jackson
the only people who have that opinion, I think have never actually served on the battlefield because they would know that you can’t possibly be thinking about that field.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I just, I think serving in the military as a calling much like being a teacher or a nurse or a gynecologist. Right? Or a priest. Really that bothers me. faux outrage is very big right now. It’s all the rage. There’s a lot of faux outrage on my Facebook page. Like more faux outrage than [UNCLEAR]. It’s everywhere. I just think that there’s so much everything is so click baity and headliny. And it’s like, people don’t even read anymore. They just go by that you could literally write like snake climbs out of woman’s vagina. And then the article is actually about the movie Snakes on a Plane and like but what if, and people will be like, I knew it. You shouldn’t have vaginas on a plane. Because if you if you didn’t, we wouldn’t have snakes crawling out of there.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 04:14
They don’t even read the article. They’re mad at the vaginas immediately. It’s the vaginas fault that the snakes were even on the plane. It’s like did you read the article? There wasn’t even that Simon. It was just the headline. Outrage is so like, unproductive for your mental health. Like your physical health. You know what I mean? Like, if you’re going to be outraged, don’t let it be faux outrage to serve any agenda. Let it be something that truly impacts your life. Like if you’re not serving in the military, maybe don’t get crazy about transgender people serving in the military. Don’t let that be the thing that you just are losing your shit over on a Monday. You know what I mean?
Jackson
Yes, I would say that there are things to be outraged over that don’t impact, first like, there are things that are still worth it that they don’t necessarily..
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Well, sure but if they don’t impede other people’s civil rights, that’s what I mean. Like, if it’s not if you can’t make somebody else’s day better, don’t make it worse. Don’t let that be the hill you die on. You know, that’s what I’m saying. I think.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Oh my god, I had the craziest dream. Okay, so did you know that in a country of which country I can’t remember now, but it’s like an Indonesian country or Latin country, but I can’t remember what it is. They dig up the dead every year, and they bring the bodies back into their houses to basically visit with grandma’s.
Jackson
I’ve seen this article once.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Do you remember that? I had a dream that a woman went to write an article about this festival and she lost a child and was still lactating, and started nursing one of the dead toddlers that someone brought in, and the toddler came back to life. It was a nightmare.
Jackson 06:03
That sounds like the definition of a nightmare. Terrifying.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Jackson, in my dream, I was like, why am I here? Why am I witnessing this? And why is this probably a movie? It was terrifying.
Jackson
Nobody. Nobody listened to this steel. That scene. We need it for a movie.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Wait, but imagine Hand That Rocks the Cradle. But a woman who becomes obsessed with a corpse of a toddler.
Jackson
That would be dark, to say the least. But I like dark. That sounds like you know, the especially with like the nursing aspect there must be Hereditary. Do you ever see Hereditary?
Jaime Primak Sullivan
No.
Jackson
It’s one of the scariest movies there ever is.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Really?
Jackson
Yes, it’ll give you nightmares. But in the best possible way.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I like it. I’m super into that. I wonder if there’s something to that idea.
Jackson
I definitely this has something to the idea of the practice of bringing the corpses back out.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
It’s terrifying.
Jackson
It’s super scary. But also it reminds me of also like Coco, because there’s like all these rituals in different cultures related to death that aren’t necessary.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Well, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Americans have a very dismissive culture around death, you die. It’s very sad, but we’re gonna bury or cremate you. And then goodbye. We can’t handle like, if they were bringing my dad’s body out of the ground every year, I would be like, Guys, this is a lot. I’m feeling boxed into this. I don’t like this feeling anymore. Jews go to the cemetery and just put rocks, we don’t even bring flowers, we can handle it. Okay. And this ceremony, they don’t just bring the body, exam the body, they set it up in a place in the house where like the kids come home from school and go eat with grandpa and grandpa has been dead for five years. It’s interesting,
Jackson
Very interesting.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
And terrifying.
Jackson 08:01
I’m curious if it has to do with maybe Americans and the West seeing the soul as something that leaves the body upon death. And so the body no longer being that person once they’ve died.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I don’t know. Feels weird to me.
Jackson
I would be unsettled.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
You would right?
Jackson 08:19
Yes.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Now, how unsettled would you be if you saw a woman secretly nursing a corpse?
Jackson
I would. I would ask her if she’s okay. Depending on her response, I may have to contact some sort of authority or an ambulance or something because that is not okay. I would I would have a visceral reaction to that.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Right.
Jackson
We’d have to have some sort of conversation, me and that lady. And it may start with “Hey, can you stop doing that?”
Jaime Primak Sullivan
So this is why I’m so good at creating movies because I dream like the most vivid crazy things and I daydream the most crazy things. And I think it’s like literally part of my gift. Because if I could crack that movie, like a woman so plagued with grief that she becomes obsessed with this ritual about her own child’s death. Mm hmm. And then like, nurses of corpse back to life, that would be crazy. Is it Pet Cemetery, kind of? It is. It’s pet cemetery through lactation.
Jackson
Well, even then, I think we care more about a baby than we care about pets. We like pets.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I don’t know why people love dogs. They just do. I mean, there’s more outrage on Facebook over like a dead animal or an abused animal than there is when like a black person is killed by police. That’s just the truth. So I feel like pet cemetery like..
Jackson
I guess they hit the nail on the head there.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Yeah, they did. Except it was a cat.
Jackson
Which is a bit more divisive.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Do you like cats?
Jackson
I like cats. I have people in my family who are allergic so we’ve never been able to get one.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
You want to know a secret?
Jackson 10:00
Yes.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Michael told the kids he was allergic to cats. But he’s not. He doesn’t want a cat. So he said that he had an animal lactic allergy and that if a cat even came near him, he would die.
Jackson
That lie will only hold up for so long, he will encounter a cat one day.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Well, I said to him, what are you going to do when the kids get older and like get their own cat? He’s like, well, at that point, they don’t live in my house anymore. So I don’t really care. But I’m like, you basically like lied to them. They tell like, people will be like, doctors will be like, Is there any allergies? And my kids always be like, our dad is anaphylactic allergic to cats. And I’m like, Michael, they’re perpetuating a lie. All right. So that is what is on my mind today. So let’s get this party started.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay, guys, for the last episode of TELL ME WHAT TO DO, the last episode of this season, I wanted to bring it back to the first topic we ever covered. And that was narcissist. I wanted to revisit this topic because they never fucking go away. They just don’t. Sometimes they don’t get reelected, but they never go away. I have had numerous personal experiences with narcissists and almost became one. Because what happens is when you are abused by a narcissist, the easiest thing to do to protect yourself is pick up their traits. Thank God I was saved instead, literally, thank god no pun intended. We all know narcissistic behavior. We know what it is. And you know the kind of characteristics they need excessive attention; they need excessive adoration.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
They lack empathy. They’re always manipulative. They’re uncompromising, it’s their way or no fucking way. They can’t put anyone before themselves. They always have like this grandiose sense of self. They always exaggerate accomplishments. My hands are so big, I have the biggest fucking hands I have the biggest dick and they are unable to actually consider the impact of their actions on others. They constantly twist your words to win arguments and they love drama. And the funny thing is, and the scary thing is that most narcissists are very charismatic and sexy people and they charm you because they’re fucking snakes. That is the truth. Two reminders about shutting down narcissists because we are going to talk about shutting them down.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 12:36
No amount of you trying to get a narcissist to change will ever change them at the core of who they are. They may change short term they may do what you need them to do short term to get back in your good graces but it is never lasting. It is best to steer clear of narcissist for your own sanity sake admittedly sometimes, you get not just remove them because they are a mother or an ex-husband or a child. But it is essential that you do what you can to take back your power otherwise their crazy behavior is going to ruin your life. Before we get to our questions let’s take a quick break
Jaime Primak Sullivan
All right, we’re back let’s jump in our first question comes from an anonymous listener who goes by Jersey Girl same says same. She wrote me an email and she says:
Jaime Primak Sullivan
“Jaime, I divorced my narcissist” boop boop. “But now I see my daughter growing up with all his qualities and it’s breaking my heart. She is mean and spoiled just like him. I am at a point where I don’t even want her to come home. And that is sad. What do I do?”
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Oh god, this fucking sucks. Because you have to co-parent with a narcissist and that is awful. And he is raising a child to be like him and that is very scary. So what you need to do is get back to the basics. You need to go back to the things that we teach when they are very young toddlers, the basic human decency saying please and thank you I contact teaching empathy making sure that they understand that sharing is important. You have to reinforce the core values that his behavior is overriding praise her only for what is worthy of praise at the time. Do not make grand sweeping things like you’re always so gorgeous. No Fuck that. That shirt looks nice on you. Because the always so gorgeous leads her to believe that she is her looks are what is valued and they are better than everybody else’s and they are always perfect.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
People with narcissistic tendencies. don’t hear you’re always so gorgeous and think “Oh, that’s sweet.” They think of course I am. I’m the most beautiful one in the room. When you have a child that is being groomed by a narcissist, you must do everything you can to get back to teaching the core values that we instill in our children when they are young. That is the only advice I can give you because I have not walked in your shoes. But that is what therapists have told me. And I believe them because they are smarter than I am.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
listener question number two, this next question comes from a listener named Madeline in Canada who left us a voicemail. So let’s listen to what she has to say.
Madeline
Hi, Jaime, my name is Madeline. And I’m from Calgary, Alberta, I have a different kind of situation here where my partner’s father basically checks all the boxes for being a narcissist. And my partner has completely lost his relationship with his father. So there’s a really bad split in the family where my partner and his mom are, you know, trying to lose touch with the narcissist father, and unfortunately, his little brother is taking more of his father’s side. And me becoming more part of the family, I’ve always kind of struggled with how to act around the father because he puts on his best self when I’m in the house.
Madeline 16:23
But I know the terrible things, the mental and physical abuse that he has had on my partner and his mother in the past. And I struggle with how to act around him and where my place is in terms of helping my partner, and the mother and even the brother. Try and get rid of this guy and start their lives over again, pretty much. So I’m just curious on your advice for me, and anything would be really helpful, because I’ve never been in this situation before. Thank you. I love you today. And I look forward to hopefully hearing from you.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay, you’re I don’t know if you’re really gonna like what I have to say. But I’m going to say it, you need distance, distance is the only way. And it will enrage him at first and his behavior will get more ugly, because that’s what happens to narcissists when you take their power away. But that’s it. If your husband can have a separate relationship with his brother, where he says we’re not going to discuss that, if you want to see me and my kids and my life, great. Love it. But we are not going to discuss dad, if you cannot see me without discussing dad, then I won’t see you either. Because until dad gets his shit together, which by the way, he will not, I need to protect my peace. And the only way to do that is to have no contact.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
And there is no surface visitation with a narcissist. You cannot like casually see them and hope that they act on their best behavior. The only way and I, and this is work sometimes is to see them in public, never in private. So if he needs to see his dad, it could be where you guys meet up for, you know, something brief say, “Oh, we only have an hour, but we’d love to see you for lunch.” Make sure there’s a ticking clock so that you can get out. Nothing with a narcissist should ever be open ended. There should always be a heart out, always.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 18:30
I say the boundaries need to be set with the brother, not the Father, the father, you got to just totally cut off. The brother, unfortunately has been manipulated from the Father, I’m sure the Father has told the younger brother that he’s the victim and everybody’s out to get him. And so when you play on a child’s love, they have for a parent, they become very loyal and very defensive. I did not come from divorced parents. But Jackson, you did? Did you ever experience that? Where you felt you had to? Did you ever?
Jackson
Yes, I did. There wasn’t a narcissist in the scenario. But there I did feel the need to defend certain, one parent versus another for certain aspects of what went down.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Right, and if anyone else had said anything to you about that parent, you would have gotten even more protective, right?
Jackson
Yes. I tried to see everybody’s point of view as much as I can. But I was trying to be the one because it felt like someone needed to be on that side.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
And that’s what happens. Is one child typically feels like “Well, someone needs to be on dad’s side.” You know, everybody’s on mom’s side, right? or vice versa. And that’s where your brother-in-law is. He feels like everybody is against dad and so he feels guilty and he’s gonna take dad’s side. So you set boundaries. And if the boundaries can’t be adhered to, then unfortunately you let him go for a while too. It sucks. It effin sucks.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 20:07
And I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. But narcissists are like bulls in a china shop and they will tear everything down to get what they want to get their way to. They don’t care the carnage that they leave behind. They don’t care, because unless it serves their interest or their version of reality, they don’t care who gets hurt in the process. entire families are destroyed by narcissists. It’s awful. And it’s heartbreaking.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Before I answer another question, I need to take a quick break.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay, we’re back. Did you guys miss me? I can’t believe this is our last episode of the season. Holy [UNCLEAR] Jackson, didn’t this go fast?
Jackson
It sure did. [UNCLEAR] along the way.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I’m also eating a grapefruit because I’m dying of starvation. Kryssy definitely going to text any second to be like, stop eating. But guys, I’m starving.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Listener question number three. This email comes from Amber who writes:
Jaime Primak Sullivan
“Hi, Jaime. I met my husband in 2016. Fast forward to 2017 married. All righty. Fast forward to 2018 our son was born we moved quickly. I came into it with a daughter and he had two daughters with an ex-wife. Right off the bat. It was toxic cheating, lies, ex-girlfriends. I’ve been reading books rewatching coffee talks following narcissist’s Tiktok’s. And now see I’m an empath and my husband is a narcissist. He has literally sucked the life out of me. I don’t know who I am anymore and I have put a plan in place to get out by March. I have read many places to never announce your departure to a narcissist to leave abruptly and quickly but my questions are, how do I blow off or fake it until then? So as not to alarm him? How do I navigate this with his two daughters ages 10 and 6 because I adore them? I love them so much and they love me. Help Jaime, tell me what to do. Also tell me if I’m nuts because I feel nuts.”
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Okay, first of all I’m Amber I’m so sorry you’re going through this sounds like you were loved bombed by a narcissist because you married so quickly. Ladies, keep in mind when you see red flags and love bombing is one of them. And it’s I’m gonna love you and I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I want to be with you and I have to marry you right away and blah, blah, blah. That is a red flag. Okay? But no need to look backward Amber because you’ve already come to the conclusion you needed to come to. And I’m going to tell you exactly what to do. You’re absolutely right. There will be no grand announcements here. You have a plan in place and you are going to get out March and amen to that you are going to focus on you and your daughter.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Now I know what you’re thinking but his two daughters Nope, they are not the focus right now. They will be but they are not right now. You are going to have your plan in place. You are going to get someone you trust to help you. You are going to fake it because women have been faking it for centuries. That’s why, okay? You hurt your back. You can’t have sex. Ouch. My back hurts so bad. I got my period. Oof. So heavy. It’s almost like my uterus is coming out my vagina hole. Men don’t like things like that. He will stay away from you. Tell him I can’t go out tonight. I feel sick. Right? Anything. Is this COVID? Is this a sign of COVID? Oh, whatever it is, stay busy. Cook clean scrapbook.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Tell him you want to donate clothes to the Salvation Army. You read something on Facebook that during COVID people need clothes. So you’re cleaning out your closet, start boxing shit up, start bagging it up, sticking it in your trunk and dropping it off at a friend’s house. Do not wait to get prepared. Okay? Let me tell you something. I’m going to give you some things. When you leave. You leave. you file for divorce. Let me tell you something. First, he’s going to get angry and he’s going to become the man you wished he was the whole time you were with him and I’m telling you right now, don’t fall for it. It is all an act. First he will encourage the violence then he will denounce it.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 24:45
That is how it works. They always start the storms and then they curse the rain. When he starts acting like the man you fell in love with. Remember it is an act, that is why I say acting. When you don’t fall for it, he will get more angry, suddenly, you will see him with other women. Suddenly, you will see him acting with someone else, all the things you wanted from him, he will suddenly be doing with someone else, it doesn’t matter because you don’t live there anymore, and he is acting. Now, once you are safely out, and a divorce has been filed, you will ask him, if you can talk to his children, he will say no, because the children will be used as a weapon against you. Because he doesn’t really care about them. He only cares about himself.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
So what you will have done is you will have written a letter prior to leaving, that someone you trust will make sure that the girls, is read to the girls, after he rejects your request to see them. I’m guessing he has an ex-wife who knows he’s a narcissist, you definitely don’t want to go to her before you leave. But you may want to go to her after and say listen, I know I’m not your best friend. But I’m out now. And I love your daughters. And I just want to make sure they know that this had nothing to do with them, because he will turn them against you. But you can’t worry about that. Because your concern right now must be you and your daughter.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 26:19
I am so proud of you for recognizing what this is. And that there are ways in which it needs to end. Seriously, I am so proud of you. Because you are sparing yourself years and I mean years of unhappiness. spend as much time with his daughters as you can now. Tell them how much you love them, how much they mean to you how important they are. Let them feel love. And maybe the day before you leave, hide a letter and say if I ever leave, or if I’m ever far away from you don’t say leave just say if I’m ever far away from you read this because the 10-year-old will get it a little bit. And the 6-year-old won’t remember you. It’s sad to say but my dad died when my brother was 10 and my brother can’t even really remember him.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
It’s just the truth. I’m really sorry. Oh, it’s so bad. I need to teach you guys or tell you what I’ve learned about how to shut down a narcissist. We’ve talked about it. I’m just going to remind you before I say goodbye. Number one, don’t take their bait and don’t give bait. You have to do whatever you can to avoid engaging with them. If you can avoid stopping seeing them, do it. Even if there’s an event coming up like a birthday party or whatever, don’t go, everybody will survive if you don’t go to Jimmy’s fucking 6th birthday party. Okay, I promise you, but it’s my [UNCLEAR]. Everybody will survive. Tell them that you’ve their throats a little scratchy. And in a time of a pandemic. You don’t want to chance it.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 28:07
People don’t want to get COVID, they’ll be fine. Okay? No matter what happens, don’t take their bait. Stay calm, give logical, factual reasons. You are not required to explain anything emotionally. Use facts. They hate facts. Because facts can’t be manipulated. Use facts, they hate facts. They only like alternative facts, ones that they can manipulate. Do not give them any bait. Be selective with what you share with them, they do not need to know that you went and saw your sister, so they can say you hated your sister. It’s not their business. Do not give them any personal details or emotional statements, which will get a reaction from them. Or else it just becomes ammo for them to use against you. And honestly you don’t need that shit. Number two, clearly communicate your needs and boundaries in writing. If possible, put it in writing in an email.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I do not want you coming to my house. Any time you come to my house after the receipt of this email is a violation of my boundaries. Okay? Always respond in writing text or email no matter what. Every time they break your boundary. When a certain narcissist in my life broke my boundaries I would text and say I’m sorry that I have to go away from you again. But I asked you very specifically not to do this. And you did this. So now I have to go away from you again. Period. Sticking to your boundaries around your narcissist is a superpower. It is the only way. Okay? Period, be prepared with Narcissus. But the most important thing is you have to believe you deserve better. Stop apologizing to your narcissist.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 30:01
It will only backfire on you every time you apologize, you admit guilt for something you didn’t do. It’s not good for your self-esteem to constantly reinforce this narrative that you are wrong. And when you apologize, you’re simply feeding their ego, they will hear that you are telling them, they are always right and you are always wrong. build up your self-esteem, that will help you stop apologizing. What you put up with is what you end up with what you allow, will simply continue, I have lived it, I have suffered through it. I am telling you now, if you don’t put your foot down, and they always play the victim. When you say I have asked you repeatedly to stop bringing up x, and every single time I talk to you bring up x. They say oh my God, you’re so defensive. I can’t talk to you about anything.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
Oh my god, and immediately they’re the victim and you go nope. I told you if you brought up x, this would happen. That’s where we are. This is on you goodbye, period. You cannot change them. And I’m telling you now you don’t have to accept their terrible treatment and their shitty behavior. But what I am telling you is you can’t change them. Let me be crystal clear. Your love won’t change them, your cooking won’t change them your pleading, your crying your suicide, your sex, none of it will change them, you can only change how you respond to them. Guys, I have never been more passionate or anxious about any other topic. The abuse I suffered at the hands of a narcissist drove me to want to take my own life
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I cannot emphasize enough how damaging even a year and a half can be with a narcissist. Forget being raised by one, holy shit. But loving one will kill you. You cannot change them. You can only change how you respond to them. Please listen to this twice if you have to. Because you will feel like you’re drowning. It’s like quicksand. The more you fight them the more you drown. They will never change. The only way to deal with them is to completely get rid of them. And if you don’t feel you’re worthy of more than you need to turn inward. Okay, but I love him, no you don’t, you love the version of him that he lets you love and it’s so marginal and you got to work so hard to get any love back and what the fuck? It’s abuse. And it’s not going to end.
Jaime Primak Sullivan 32:39
Please, I’m begging you, get out make a plan. Don’t say a word. Narcissism is the most severe form of emotional and mental abuse. It changes your perception of reality; you don’t know what is up or down or what is true or false. They take things that are marginally true and they manipulate them into new truths that you feel crazy not believing then you believe it and no one else does. And it’s all craziness and it will eat you from the inside out. You have to get out. You have to and I know that someone is listening to this right now crying because you don’t know how and don’t wait until you find a way, just go. Just get out.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
I love you guys. This has been a journey. I am so grateful to the team at Lemonada, who let me make this podcast and were such great partners. My producers Claire and Kryssy and Alex and Jackson everybody so flexible with my schedule and my emotions and my rage and my love and my nonstop talking about God and my opinions about life, my kids, my marriage. Doing these things and putting yourself out there every week is not easy. I do it because I love people, I don’t do it because I get paid and you do it because you want to take life experience and blanket it like a weighted blanket on other people and go please use my heart ache, use my pain, use my salvation, use my marriage, use my whatever and let it comfort you through whatever it is you’re going through.
Jaime Primak Sullivan
People say I overshare it, bothers them. I don’t fucking care. I really don’t. And you shouldn’t either. I love you so much. These podcasts will live on this site. And you can listen to them and you can still share them and while we’re on hiatus, get as many people to listen as possible because that’s the beautiful thing about fans of podcast. Word of mouth, people word of mouth. So I love you. I love the way you love me. And until next season. Have a great, great, day.
CREDITS
TELL ME WHAT TO DO is a production of Lemonada Media. The show is produced by Kryssy Pease and Alex McOwen. It’s edited by Ivan Kuraev. Music is by Dan Molad. Jessica Cordova Kramer, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jaime Primak Sullivan, are our executive producers. Rate and review us and follow us at @LemonadaMedia on all your favorite social platforms. Of course you can follow me at Jaime Primak Sullivan on Facebook or at @JamiePSullivan on Instagram. If you have any questions for me that you want me to answer on the show, give me a call at 833-453-6662
