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Sarah tells two stories about when a masseuse got a little too close for comfort. Plus, she describes what it’s like touring during election season, gives us a hearing aid update, and helps a guy whose girlfriend dumped him after he shared his sexual fantasy.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Emily, Tessa, Carrie, Greg, Sender 6, Sender 4, Sarah Silverman, Seth, Pete

Sarah Silverman  00:14

Hey everybody, it’s your best friend. Sarah Silverman coming to you from the Invisible Studios in WeHo. Now it’s just thinking about my power as a human being and a woman. You know what? I got a massage. It was a good massage. Doesn’t matter. But I was thinking about times I’ve gotten massages, and I think this is really common where, like, you’re getting a massage and it hurts, or you don’t like it, or you know, they always say, like, communicate. Let me know if you know. But I would say most women and maybe all genders, just won’t say anything. They’ll just go like, No, don’t say anything you know. Just like, sit through the pain, or sit through the discomfort, or and just with everything, you know, but massage is a good example of it, and I have two examples of times I’ve spoken up, one that went not well, and one that went great, but both times, I’m really proud of myself for saying something, because it’s just so uncomfortable and awkward. One time was I had a gift certificate to a massage at Burke Williams years ago, and this, like, tattooed, I don’t know why I’m that’s just color for the story guy, whatever cool, hip guy, hipster was my masseuse. And you know, I’m naked and I’m lying on my front, on my belly, and he’s massaging like, my sides, and he keeps, like, coming up my sides and touching the side of my boobs, and it’s, I don’t have any knots there, like he doesn’t need to touch. And it made me so uncomfortable. And I finally, like, got the nerve. I go, hey, will you not don’t touch, like, my boobs at all, like the sides or anything. Like, I just it does it makes me uncomfortable. He didn’t really say anything. And then I relax again, and he does it again, like, blatantly, like, wouldn’t you just avoid my boobs at all cost, if I actually spent, like, said something, and he did it again. And I try to just, like, all right, just breathe. Maybe it was a mistake. And he did it again and then I go, honestly, just don’t touch my tits at all, like, truly. And he goes, excuse me a moment. And he walked out, and then he came back in and he goes, I’m not doing this massage so you can get dressed. And that’s it. He made it like I did something inappropriate, which maybe I shouldn’t have said tits, I don’t know, but I made it very clear. And then he did it and did it again, and he left. And then as I was leaving, like the manager, you know, asked to talk to me, and I just started like crying, because I felt like I, I don’t want to say assaulted. I felt violated and then blamed for saying something about it, you know, and it’s so scary to say anything about in those moments. It really is. I know, you know. I know y’all understand to me to say something like that is like giving a little grace to the person you’re with, because it’s not like I endured it and then felt totally violated, and talked to his manager. I talked to him, and I feel like we’re in a mentality in this world where we go straight to the manager or straight to Twitter or straight to a lawyer or something. I talked to him, I gave him the opportunity to go like, oh, God, sorry, you know, and steer clear of my naked breasts. So another time I was getting a massage at this tiny place I used to go to above a 711 that was great. And I had this, this man masseuse, lovely, really good, really deep, vigorous, rigorous, rigorous, or vigorous, I don’t know they were both massage. And I’m lying on my stomach again, and he’s doing my legs and my, you know, really deep and my inner thighs, and he’s doing these long strokes and my inner thighs, and he’s like, the type of the tip of his fingertips are almost touching, and like, a little bit touching my vagina, and I’m so uncomfortable, and rage is boiling up, and I’m terrified to say anything, and I fucking just make myself do it. And. I just go, hey, you know when you’re doing that, you’re you’re getting really close to my vagina, and you’re touching my vagina, and it’s the opposite of relaxing. And he said, Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I said, it’s okay. I just please don’t do that. And he was like, okay. And it was a little uncomfortable for like, maybe the next 30 seconds, but that I was relaxed again, and then I was able to fully relax. I wasn’t worried he’s gonna, like, do my other leg there, you know, or something. And the massage ended up being fantastic. And when it was over, I said, Oh, thank you so much. That was amazing. I had didn’t even remember it. I was so, like, relaxed, and it was such a great adjustment. And he said, I am so sorry about that earlier. And I said, not at all. You didn’t realize you were doing it. And I let you know we communicated and it, it ended up being, not only not a bad thing, but an amazing massage. I’m so grateful to you. And it just, I feel like that could happen more. Listen, I’m not talking about the sexual assault. I’m not talking about, you know, like intentional shit, which, in the first example, with the masseuse touching my boobs, I have to wonder. It leaves me wondering if that was intentional stuff that he reacted in that way. This one was clearly not intentional, and he made an adjustment, and it was a great experience. And I went to see him a bunch more times when I lived, it was right by my old apartment. But, um, anyway, I don’t know what my point is, per se, but there is one in there. Uh, you guys are smart. You’ll you’ll all put it all together. Let’s take some calls.

 

Carrie  07:12

Hi, Sarah, it’s your friend Carrie from North Carolina. I just wanted to tell you that I saw you in Durham, North Carolina on inauguration day of 2017 and it was such a moment of joy at a terrible moment for me. Now I’m coming to see you the Friday after the election, and whichever way this election goes, I know that I have you to look forward to, to bring me out of my sadness or to celebrate my joy. So I just wanted to thank you for being there for me and love you and can’t wait to see you again.

 

Sarah Silverman  07:41

Yeah, wow yeah, you and me both. It is. It’s interesting. You know, I’m on the road all over the United States during the election. I’ll be on election day. I’ll be in Ohio, and as the winner is announced, assuming it’s not going to be the day of all, I will be still in Ohio. And then even through the inauguration, I’ll still be on the road. I’ll be in, I don’t know where I’m going to be at that point, New York or New England. It’s wild, and my show this time is, is really not at all political, which is, I think, a good thing. It’s about death really, which lately is the, really, the only thing that we can absolutely agree on right now. It’s the one thing we can completely count on death that was not positive sorry, but it is true. It’s okay, that death is all we know for sure. You know, because until then, everything else is potentially thrilling. I have a friend who texted me yesterday and and he was just like, you know, I don’t know. I think that there’s a really good chance once people are in the ballot box that they’re gonna not vote for a woman because they’re afraid of a woman president, I just, I don’t know. I’m worried about it. And, you know, yeah, that could be true. We live in a really, really stupid country beyond so maybe he’s right, but we can’t know that. So I don’t know why we should sit in that possibility. I’m trying to be incredibly hopeful. I don’t want to be smug like 2016 get that fucking smug smile wiped off my face. But I and I think Kamala is really smart in that she is saying, Look, I’m glad you’re excited, but we are the underdog, like everyone has to vote, and she’s so right. I mean, it’s just it is so funny that anyone is like women are so emotional. I mean, look at Trump. He’s so easily manipulated. Simulated by emotion. Look at how she even like in the debate how Kamala was, like, I don’t know. I mean, you know, I heard that your crowds are really small now, like she just completely did that to fuck with them, because this child, this fucking tantrum diaper baby, she knew it would make him crazy. He’s so easily manipulated. Think about our foreign adversaries like he’s just he’s so puppetable. Just enjoy these moments right now and fucking vote all right, what else?

 

Greg  10:42

Hey, Sarah, it’s your friend Greg from New York City. Several things. One a while back, you were talking about some cassettes you found at home. After we cleaned out my parents’ home, I took all my old cassette tapes and I digitized them, and I totally had the same experience you did, right down to the taking commercial breaks. The most precious moment, which I will forever keep, is a recording of my mom, recording us reading a book together when I was like five. I’ll cherish that the way you cherish the voicemails of your parents. Anyway, what I really wanted to say was, how’s the hearing aid? I’m a gay man who’s exactly your age, and I got a hearing aid when I was 50, and it was a major hurdle, because not only am I a gay man, which comes with its own vanity, but I am evolved gay men. So I had to decide what is more important. Hearing or vanity. And I went for hearing. And if you know what, I got over it, it was better to hear. I think of all the times I used to see someone with a hearing aid, and my thought process was literally like, huh, they have a hearing aid. And then I moved on. So yeah, it’s the old thing of nobody’s thinking about it except you. And I still get flirted with, and I’m married, so the pressure is off as far as the vanity goes. Thirdly, I love your laugh, or rather, your chuckle, whatever I whenever I think of my parents who are gone or my sisters who are still alive, I think about their laughs, and it makes me happy. So yeah, love you, bye.

 

Sarah Silverman  11:57

Well, thank you for that call, I I’m the hearing aids really work and but I’m not wearing them enough. Like, I just went to New York for nine days, and I didn’t even bring them. And I should have and I should just have them on me. But when I do use them, like, if I’m at a loud place, a loud party, I mean places where I would normally, it’s not that I’m I’m not really going to loud parties or anything. But every once in a while you’re you find yourself at a thing, and if I go in and it’s the music is loud and I can’t hear I just leave. Well, the last time I did that, it was when I went to the, I think, the Emmys with Rory. And, no, I didn’t go to the Emmys with Rory. It was the Writer’s Guild awards. And I went to the after thing, and I was just like, oh, let’s get out of here. It was so loud, the music was so loud. It was just this. It was just too much, and it hurts. It actually hurts my ears. But I remembered, I took, I brought my hearing aid, so I put my hearing aids in, and it was amazing, like the loud music was it didn’t make the loud music louder, but I could hear the people in front of me talking to me, so I wasn’t like and then I didn’t even feel like I had to scream to be heard. It was very cool. And when I do stand up, I don’t need to wear it when I’m doing stand up, or I’m doing this, because I’m literally talking into a microphone. But when I do bring them, when I do stand up, if you know, to watch my friends do stand up, because I can never hear from the wings of a theater, because there aren’t, like monitors pushing the sound towards me. And I put in my hearing aids, and I can hear them. And it’s, it’s, you know, this sounds so silly and obvious, but it for some reason, isn’t. And every time I’m like, Oh my God, this just makes life so much easier. Like, and I never really think to wear them at home. But, I mean, we lie in bed and Rory will say something and blah blah. And I’m like, what? And he goes, and I’m like, I’m sorry one more time. And then he’s like, blah […]. And I’m like, Okay, it’s literally like, I feel like I’ve seen this on a sitcom or something, where it’s he’s just finally saying it louder so I can hear and but it feels like yelling, oh my god. Like, turned into this old lady, but I’m not, but I am, I’m not.

 

Pete  14:28

Hi Sarah, big fan of the podcast. It’s Pete from Toronto, and you were there during my favorite era of SNL. I was the perfect age to be watching that in the early 90s, Norm was my favorite comedian. He still is my favorite comedian of all time. Yeah, and I’ve heard you share stories of him. My other favorite was Chris Farley, and I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you talk about Chris Farley much, or share any stories of your time at Saturday Night Live while, while he was there. And I’d love to hear anything. If you have it again. Big fan. Nice to leave you a message and take grace.

 

Sarah Silverman  15:17

What was the last thing he said? I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of Chris Farley stories. I was there for one season. It was his I think third season, it was like Farley, Sandler, spade, Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney, Ellen Cleghorn, Tim Meadows, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, I don’t know, and I was just a writer and a featured performer, and I was there for one year. But I do have a couple, like, I remember at the beginning, right before the season starts, there was, I don’t know if they still do this, but like, we would spend some days at this, like, upstate place, I think it’s called Montauk or mohank or one of those places and like a get to know you kind of thing. And I overheard we were at a campfire, and he was sitting next to Lauren, and I heard him ask Lauren. He said, Lauren, would it help the show if I got even fatter? And then Lauren goes, no, Chris, we want you to be healthy. But I just thought that was an interesting little thing to overhear. And then one time I would, I showed up at rehearsal on Thursday, and was it studio 8h and I’m sitting on the stage. And he was there early, too, and we were both sitting on the stage, and he was already like a star there. And he goes, can you even believe it, you know. And, and he was so not jaded, like he just was like, Can you believe it? We’re sitting on the same stage where, like John Belushi was and, you know, and it struck me, like it hit me because I had gotten a job there. Yeah, it was my dream to get a job there, but, like, once I had a job there, I was like, well, you get that feeling because you don’t have, I hadn’t gotten self esteem yet, whereas, like, well, if I’m here, it couldn’t be that cool or it’s not that I really thought that, but there’s something that happens to us when we become a part of something that we’ve always wanted to become a part of. We have to take it down a peg because of how we feel about ourselves. And I think I was kind of the in that headspace and to see him like in awe, still three years in, and so appreciating it was very mind opening to me and made me go, like, yeah, like, this is fucking amazing. You’re he was right, you know. And it I needed that, you know, that was cool. And also, he let me anytime I wanted. He would let me show people that I could lift him. All right, what else?

 

Sender 4  18:03

Hi, Sarah, long time fan since your Star Trek day, actually, anyway, kind of calling because I had a girlfriend break up with me after we discussed our unfulfilled sexual fantasies. I didn’t think mine was particularly weird or anything like that, but my idea was a male, male, female threesome, and the idea behind it was, for me, I’m not too keen on doing anything specifically with him, but I really, you know, kind of like the idea of the two of us sharing her, Let’s just say, for the sake of the podcast, very intimately, 2p in 1v at the same time kind of thing. 2p and a mouse kind of thing.

 

Sarah Silverman  18:48

A devil’s three way, if you will.

 

Sender 4  18:52

Anyway, yeah, upon her hearing this, she just began to insult me and call me gay. And I break up with me, and I thought that was so strange to me and so kind of unfair. And I suppose, for my fantasy, I’m, you know, somewhere above 0% by curious, I’m sure, I suppose, but sure, yeah, I don’t know what to think of it, because I feel like in today’s world, if it was two ladies, it seems to be more equal, but.

 

Sarah Silverman  19:21

Oh well, I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you were not bishart, not meant to be, you know, she, you know, but, um, listen, she was turned off by it. You can’t control it. This is not something you can control. I don’t know that it was a homophobic thing, because she may be more interested in as a straight arrow, straight guy. This is sexuality now. This is like, what you’re into or what you’re not into. As as we learn more about gender and sexuality and and that these hard lines we’ve made are concerned. Instructed by humans, and not necessarily reality. It’s less of a thing, and it’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. And if it’s something you would want to happen, there’s nothing wrong with that either. I have fans. My fantasies and sex are not anything I would necessarily want in real life, but they, like, turn me on. And in fantasy, you know, in like, sex talky ways, I this is hard to approach, because I don’t want to say, like, No, you’re totally normal. Like, that’s like, A, that is a, what I’ve experienced a pretty common male fantasy. But it’s also, if it’s something you’d want in real life or not want in real life is none of my business and does not define you in any one way or anything. It’s like, ultimately, we’re gonna get to a point where we’re all fluid and we’re all queer because we just whoever we meet and we’re into is gonna be it’s gonna be okay, and not judged like it is in this very binary world that we’ve all just grown up with, and she was raised, I’m sure, with the same toxic masculinity norms that so many men were, you know, we all were, we all perpetuated, and we all, this is what we know. So we’re all kind of unlearning, especially older people that are didn’t grow up with gender being a construct and all this stuff, you know, it’s we’re we have to unlearn things. So I think that’s where she’s at. That’s not where you’re at. And you’ll find plenty of women or people that are into the same stuff you are, or certainly accepting of whatever you’re into and good riddance. I say, thanks for calling in. What else?

 

Emily  21:49

Hey, Sarah, it’s your best friend, Emily from Ohio. I am calling because I am sitting here in my bed with, you know, suffering diarrhea like all night. So I had to call off work, and it’s after the spaghetti recipe I make that always does this to my family, but enjoy it while we eat it. And then here we are. Anyway, I was really calling to ask if you have a word that, no matter how many times you have tried to spell it, you’ve read it, you’ve said it, you just cannot grasp and you can’t spell it. Mine is diarrhea, and it’s one of those things where I, it baffles me when I go to type it, which I guess I don’t know why I would have to type it so many times, but each time I have the rest of my text message, and then I say, like, hey, are you okay? I have diarrhea, but then I have to voice memo diarrhea, so I randomly just say that out loud every time I need to spell it in a text message. And maybe that’s a problem too. But I just wanted to ask you if there’s any words that you just don’t know how the fuck to spell, no matter how many times you’ve had to mine’s diarrhea. Love you, have a great day, bye.

 

Sarah Silverman  23:08

Well, I think I have a clue to why you need to write diarrhea in your text often, that’s because you make this spaghetti dish that your family loves, and it gives your entire family diarrhea, and that is a testament to how delicious that spaghetti dish must be, because everyone knows what’s coming if they eat it and they eat it. So congratulations on that recipe. I do have words, and I can’t think specifically of what, where I do exactly that I go to voice text because I do not know how to spell it, but I’m pretty good at spelling. And I’ll tell you what i’ve what I have known how to spell since I was like a tween or a teenager, and that is diarrhea. And I’ll tell you why, because my mother taught me how to spell diarrhea, and this is probably helpful when this was a time when cheers was the biggest show on television. And she said, See that Rhea Perlman, that’s how you spell diarrhea, D, I, A, R, and then Rhea, like Rhea Perlman, R, H, E, A, and that’s what it is. DIAR-RHEA, like Rhea Perlman. And I actually met Rhea Pearlman, and I told her that, and she was not that did not make her happy. She said that she was called Diarrhea Perlman all growing up, and it just was not the way in with her that I thought it would be. But that is actually in a scene in the musical the bedwetter, where my mother, Bethann tells actually little Laura, my sister that RIA Perlman, she talks about Rhea Perlman, they’re watching cheers. And she says, how he she was with Danny DeVito from taxi, and she had been on taxi a few times, and blah, blah, blah. And then she it ends with her explaining how she always remembers how to spell diarrhea. And then Laura says, why do you have to remember how to spell diarrhea? And now look at us. Here we are with you. Emily, needing to remember how to spell diarrhea. Well now you always will.

 

Sender 6  25:31

Hi, Sarah, I was just wondering if you had any advice at all for moments when I get bad thoughts and when I have no motivation, no drive, no energy to do anything. As in this world, we always seem to be encouraged to always keep moving as fast as we can, and always to do more. And so these feel very debilitating when I have no energy or I don’t feel like accomplishing anything because I just have no no motivation. I was wondering if you had any advice at all for that. And thank you so much.

 

Sarah Silverman  26:08

I have this problem, same as you, you know, but it’s this, you know, when I need to rest and be lazy, I do it, but then I feel guilty the whole time, and that’s not rest. So listen to your body. Resting is important if you need to get shit done. Make lists of what you absolutely need to get done each day, and then maybe a secondary list of stuff you’d love to get done. Get the shit done that you need to get done each day and do whatever the fuck you want to do with the rest of your time. If you need to feel you’ve earned it, which I do too. Do that. Then you get the dopamine rush of having completed stuff you need to get done, and you know, then you do whatever you want. Joy looks different for everyone. For some people, it’s travel and skydiving and whatever. For some people, it’s laying on the couch and watching an episode of Law and Order you’ve already seen 12 times, or playing Call of Duty. Don’t judge it. You may want to wonder about it from time to time. You know, maybe wonder where that comes from, if you think it’s some unhealthy thing. But I’m I think that stillness is vital. I think that naps and stillness, don’t get the kudos they deserve. I get the most done when I take a little nap or just sit still for a while, you get so many more solutions to your daily and your micro and macro questions. Doing that, I think, you know, looking inward is certainly not a lazy thing. But also just watching TV, doing whatever you want, these things are fine to do. Just get the shit done you need to do as well and do whatever you want with your free time. That’s your free time. It’s really crucial, and I’m working on this as well, to not waste that time feeling guilty about it because now you’ve got nothing done and you didn’t even enjoy it. You know, good luck to both of us. All right, what else?

 

Tessa  28:39

Hi, Sarah Tessa from Massachusetts, here. Big fan for most of my life. I remember when you were on cable, I think that’s something adjacent to the guy show, I don’t know, and you were like, like, a little signal to me that it was cool to be me and the future will be better than living in my my little home with my dad and brother, who’d be like, Oh, she’s funny, but she’s a woman. Don’t know if you noticed that. I just wanted to share something that I get to think about and chew on once a month. I wanted to give it to you to chew on for a minute once a month, I go assign on to a yoga for women. Is for menstruation. It’s a yoga sequence. I love it helps me a lot. And once a month I see a comment from a man is years old now, but it still just bemuses me a comment from a man that says, What about yoga for men? Now, to be clear, this is on a website made by a woman that has about 1000 videos. There’s only one yoga for women. It’s clearly for menstruation, but still with the big water brimmed sad puppy dog guys. What about yoga for man? And I just wanted your input.

 

Sarah Silverman  30:07

That’s just really funny. It reminds me of a million years ago, like 24 years ago, I wrote a screenplay with my boyfriend at the time, Tom Giannis, I’ll give him a shout out, because I love him, and it had a great joke in it, which I can say that because he wrote it where a guy walks into a diner and there’s a woman working there, and she’s reading like, Essence magazine, and he says something like, why isn’t there magazines for white people, shit, I’m not gonna remember the wording of it, so it might not be as funny as I set it up to be, but it basically she says something like, there is, it’s called every other magazine. It reminds me of that. It reminds me of that. Yeah, that’s funny. All right, what else?

 

Seth  31:02

Hey? Sarah, this is Seth. I have a question for you so I have the opportunity to start fresh. Start fresh about five hours away from where I currently live. I grew up in a Baptist family that did not accept the fact that I’m gay. I’m partly out of the closet, although, sadly, oh, I apologize about the mouth noises.

 

Sarah Silverman  31:30

Oh, my God, thank you.

 

Seth  31:31

Sadly, I’m so little bit close. I’m closeted to my family and a virgin. I am a homosexual man. This is a fresh start. I have the opportunity to move, have a new job, have an apartment about five hours away from my Baptist family. But I’m nervous, nervous about the change, nervous about the what ifs the risk. Let me know what you think I mean. Spelling it out makes me think I should definitely go for it. I also kind of feel like maybe I should find some marijuana and just smoke it.

 

Sarah Silverman  32:16

Whatever works, yes on all you got this. I mean, let me fortify your choices. Fucking go for it. You’re not gonna regret going for it. You know, living your authentic life is always good for your joy and your health, your your mental health and your physical health. I know you know this, but I’m just going to say it anyway. If you want to tell your family or not, that is your choice, but anything less than total support for you is their shortcoming, not yours. I know you know, but I’m just saying it you know, it is vital to be open to love, and it is vital to design your life as you see fit. Start living it. It’s not too late, but it’s late. You know, life Rory had the best analogy, and maybe this, I think this isn’t some analogy somebody’s said, but life, you know how, like your first few years felt like forever. It’s like a marble going down a funnel in the top. It’s it takes long to get around the circle, and then it goes down, and then as it goes down, it’s shorter, that’s what time is. As you get older, it’s just everything is a blip. So yeah, start living your authentic life, your response. You’re you’re responsible for your joy. Take it seriously. And if someone has a problem with it, they have a problem with themselves, not you. Do not take on their shit, not your monkey, not your circus. Grab joy where you can get it and live your best life. If anyone has a problem with it, they can take it up with me, Dad, wherever you are out there, we are winding down. This is the part of the podcast when I say, send me your questions or comments or thoughts or reactions. Go to speakpipe.com/theSarahSilvermanpodcast that speakpipe.com/theSarahSilvermanpodcast. Subscribe, rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts that will that would help us. And there’s more. There’s more of the Sarah Silverman podcast with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus questions like one about a suspicious neighbor. Subscribe now in Apple podcasts.

 

CREDITS  34:53

Thank you for listening to the Sarah Silverman podcast, we are a production of Lemonada media. Kathryn Barnes and Isabella Kulkarni produce our show. Our mix is by James Sparber. The show is recorded at the Invisible Studios in West Hollywood. Charles Carroll is our recording engineer. Additional Lemonada support from Steve Nelson, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Our theme was composed by Ben Folds. You can find me at @SarahKateSilverman on Instagram. Follow the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcasts, or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.