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Description

I still have so many tender but challenging memories of my early teenage years. The teasing from classmates. The body changes that everyone seemed to notice. The life-changing conversations that at first felt fleeting but have stuck with me since. And now as a parent, I’m realizing that I play a significant role in how my own children experience this formative period in their lives. I can help guide them through the murky waters of middle school, but are they actually going to want that? Am I equipped to do it? Let’s tawk.
Let’s Tawk contains mature themes and may not be appropriate for all listeners.

Keep up with Jaime on Twitter at @JaimePrimak and on Instagram at @jaimepsullivan. Watch her Facebook Live series – Cawfee Tawk – here. And stay up to date with us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram at @LemonadaMedia.

Leave Jaime a voicemail at 833-453-6662.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Jaxon, Jaime Primak Sullivan

Jaime Primak Sullivan  00:37

Hello, everybody, and welcome to this week’s episode of Let’s Tawk, a podcast that hopefully provides conversation that you wish you had when you needed it. This week’s episode specifically, is a conversation that I wish I had when I needed it. And my co-host.

Jaxon 

Jaxon, me.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

hopefully you will take some of this conversation and you will put it as a feather in your cap so that when you are a father, you will remember this year mark, this episode.

Jaxon 

In just a few months. No, I’m kidding.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Oh, my god, Jackson, we really don’t get into each other’s private lives. So you could be having a baby, I would have no idea. The topic of this week’s episode is the things I wish I knew or did before my kids went to middle school, I don’t think that I would have listened, I’m going to be honest. Because who your child is coming out of fifth or sixth grade, depending on what you consider Middle School, I’m going to refer to middle school for the purpose of this episode as 7th and 8th grade, just because that’s what it was for me. And that’s also where the problem started for us. But you don’t think it will be your kid, so, even if somebody gives you a great list of things they wish that they knew or did before their kids went to middle school, you’re like, not my kid, my kids so sweet and inclusive and loves everyone and then they go to 7th grade. Can I just say before we get into it, and I don’t know if you’re comfortable with me saying this. So put your hand up, if you’re no..

Jaxon  02:25

Oh, we can just edit it out. But go ahead.

Jaime Primak Sullivan

No, because you’re you’re human and people are allowed to hear that you have boundaries. You look like you’ve lost weight.

Jaxon 

I appreciate you saying that. Is that your segue into mine? Discussing my efforts?

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

No, but are there efforts being made?

Jaxon 

Yes, there are efforts being made. I did go to the doctor recently. This is not the first time I’ve been in the doctor where, you know, suggestions have been made in terms of lifestyle changes,

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

For reference for people who don’t know you, how tall are you?

Jaxon 

I’m about six feet. If you look on my Tinder profile, it may say six one.

Jaime Primak Sullivan

Okay, if I ever look on your Tinder profile, I want you to punch me in the face separately. So are you comfortable saying where you started with your weight and where you’d like to go or like or because for reference, so people, he’s six feet tall.

Jaxon

which takes the time up to 180 pounds, pure muscle. That’s a joke, no muscle whatsoever. I do not work out. I walk the dog periodically. And that is the extent of my exercise currently. Eating habits were bad. Prior to the current change. You know, I’m a big meat and potatoes kind of guy in all aspects of my eating. In fact, I would rarely have a meal that did not involve me of some kind.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Really? Yeah. Because I don’t eat red meat or pork. So it’s always interesting to me when people love red meat.

Jaxon 

But I’m now I think there’s names for it. Because keto keeps coming up. But I don’t, I’m not calling it keto. I’m avoiding carbs and sugar.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  04:03

Well, your overall pronunciation of the tea in that word is making me uncomfortable. I think it’s just keto. And you calling it […]

Jaxon 

Keto sounds like a tea. Okay. But I’m avoiding carbs and sugar. I’m drinking my coffee black, which is the hardest part.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

But I hear that once you make the switch to black coffee, you can’t go back

Jaxon 

I honestly it is actually like, I’m like this tastes like coffee with milk in it. But it’s not I know it’s not but I can like kind of trick myself. And I’m doing a version of intermittent fasting that I’m trying to get better at it’s That’s a harder thing to like, jump right into where I only eat for an eight hour period of the day.

Jaime Primak Sullivan

Okay, but Jaxon, you come here and you don’t eat the entire day we’re here.

Jaxon 

That’s true. I do eat immediately when I go home. And I might refer to an apple or something. I don’t know. I need to. I don’t know. But yeah, it’s a lot more salads. And I like Caesar salad. That’s what I like. I don’t like fruit and salads. That’s weird. Fruit in salads. And I don’t like tomatoes at all. So okay, I have to navigate some stuff. I’m picky eater.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Have you always been overweight?

Jaxon 

Yes. And it does tie in to this episode because Middle School is when it happened, middle school, I was in the 6th grade and a kid called me fat for the first time. And that’s when I knew I was fat. I didn’t know until that, because kids don’t look in the mirror. And they’re like, analyzing everything, especially boys. They don’t, they have to be told that they’re overweight. And so I was repeatedly.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Really? Did it make you sad?

Jaxon

It made me very sad. It made me not want to go to school. But also, it causes you to develop a sense of humor and to focus on being as smart as you possibly can so that you can be this character that is overweight, and is also still likable.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  06:06

So, we are funny because we’re fat. Because I was fat in middle school. Did you know that?

Jaxon 

I know, because your mother told you?

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Yes. I knew I was fat because my mother told me. Isn’t that sad?

Jaxon 

That is a little bit more. So mine was an older kid who told me.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Well, it’s sad anyway, but it’s really sad when it’s your mother.

Jaxon 

Now, and Kendra might be listening to this. And she’s aware that we have had conversations related to she would ever call me fat, but she would comment on not comment, but just be like, and to my own benefit to like make me look better for other people, but talk about my clothes, and try to help me dress better. But if it was like pull your shirt down or something like that, it would be like, please don’t comment on what I’m wearing right now. Because I’m wearing it right now. Like right now.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Well, I will say that you dress for the body you don’t want, you make it very easy to be overweight. By the way you dress. Like if you wore, I don’t know. For example, I have no idea what men sizing is every day I have to call Michael and go what size is Max? I have no idea right? Because I don’t shop for men. But let’s just say your waist is a 36 I’m making that up. I don’t know what you don’t have to tell me what it is okay, but you don’t have to tell you because it’s for argument’s sake, it doesn’t matter, right? You’re wearing, your like if you were 36 and you were wearing 36 button like Jeep pants every day with a belt and a tucked in shirt, right? Like we had office attire here. You wouldn’t be much more aware of your size because you are. You can feel, I just want that listeners to understand that. I have keep a very lacks dress code. So, Jaxon wear sweatpants and T shirts every day to work.

Jaxon  08:00

Not every day. I wear button downs.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Nope, you did only on the day we had to take a selfie. Is the hill you want to die on because you know it’s not true.

Jaxon 

I’m the one who dresses myself. You’re right today. All right, Laura. Okay, would you say none yesterday?

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Would you say, for argument’s sake, sure. That at least 90% of the time you’re in sweatpants and T-shirt?

Jaxon 

Would I dress that way if we work in an office with eligible women? No. We do not. It is you and me here.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

So, I’m not pants worthy. I’m not even like button pants worthy. I’m so unattainable that you’re just like, I’m gonna go into a Star Wars t-shirt abyss because she’s so […]

Jaxon 

You’re unattainable for a litany of reasons. But also I dress comfortably so that I am of most utility to you. Because if I’m sitting in that desk thinking about how my belt buckle is like pinching into my belly, you don’t want, you want me being uncomfortable, and I can focus on my work. So you’re welcome.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  09:17

Okay, well, one thing I want to say that I envy you about is that you and I had very similar middle school experiences and you walked away without an eating disorder.

Jaxon 

False. my eating disorder is over eating. Also, I wanted to correct you said something about me being more aware of my weight. I’m constantly aware of my weight. There’s no second that goes by where I’m not aware. And there’s no fat person that’s never not aware of their weight. They are always aware. As an adult, like I said, as a kid, you’re not looking at yourself in the mirror the way that you do as an adult as an adult. It never leaves your mind.

Jaime Primak Sullivan

They used to call me jelly doughnut.

Jaxon 

Horrible. Kids are so cruel.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Okay, jelly doughnut doesn’t even go with my name.  It started with Primak. Jaime donut? No, it was started with Premack, which went to Big Mac. Jaime Big Mac. And then it somehow went to jelly donut. I don’t know, maybe it was Jaime donut. But it was awful. Like, awful. It was awful to never be, like, noticed by the popular boys. You know, it was always like the one weird kid in the science lab who was terrified to speak to any of the quote unquote, like beautiful girls, or popular girls. So that was the boy that would ask me to dance. And I would go like, I was like, whatever. And the ironic thing is, I was friends with a lot of the popular girls. But I was always the fat friend, always. And then, you know, I got into high school. And, you know, I can’t explain to you what it was like to be one of the foursome with Courtney, Cheryl and Chantal, who were three, like, you know, blondies, with perfect bodies, and I was the brunette who was carrying around an extra 10 pounds. You know, and I understand some people are going 10 pounds, but when you’re a late bloomer, and you’re not tall, and you’re in high school, and you’re probably more than 10, maybe 15, whatever it was, it’s awful. And that is when I, so middle school for me, was honestly, hell on earth.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  12:08

Okay, so here are things that I wish I knew or did before my kids entered Middle School. Also keep in mind, my kids transferred schools, as Olivia was entering 7th grade, and Max was entering 6th grade, right. So the first thing I wish I did in middle school, like I did for my kids going into middle school, is to walk to school with them, get copies of their schedules, not just like the normal emails that you get, and you just send them off and think you’ll be fine. Go like everybody else, right? A lot of times, there’s a weird mentality like, well, if we did it, you have to do it too, no, there are certain things you can do to make things a little easier for your kids. That just because they weren’t done for you, like we don’t, our children don’t have to, it doesn’t have to be as hard. They don’t have to suffer because we suffer.

Jaxon 

They don’t have to walk five miles.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  13:04

Like I did okay, on my dinosaur. I wish that I had gotten Max and Olivia schedules and walked the halls with them. And given them a little confidence to know the lay of the land. Imagine going to a new office, on your first day on the job. And every 45 minutes a bell rings and you are required to find the office of another superior. And you’ve got 30 seconds to find it. And no one has shown you where it is. But you’re 13 and awkward and you hate your body and your skin’s breaking out and you don’t have any friends. You know what I mean? And everyone’s in the hall at the same time. We extend so much more grace to ourselves as adults because we have hindsight and we never stopped to think, hey, help them prepare, get a class schedule toward the building, walk the route to each classroom, make sure they know how to open their lockers. These things are important. I wish that I did that. Okay. Another thing I wish I did have a routine. Insist that your children write down their assignments. I don’t care if they tell you they have no homework or it’s online or whatever. It is scientifically proven that we retain information better and longer when we physically write it down. The stress of missing assignments that we went through, because my children were not writing their assignments down and frankly, I wasn’t checking to see if they were if I could go back to Jaime two years ago and say, develop a routine so that you know what their homework is, and they can physically see it. They’ve written it down and they can cry. All these things off, I’d love to make a list. Why didn’t I think of that for my kids? The other thing is organize their space, organize their space, what does this mean? Where they do their homework should be organized, it should have paper, and pencils, and staplers and rulers and calculators. So that their time to focus on homework is not constantly being interrupted by them trying to find a pencil, because you know, are we used to say things like, or I even said that, like, it’s your responsibility, these kids in middle school are going through one of the hardest transitions in their little lives.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

If we as parents can help organize a space for them. So they understand if I sit at this table, every single thing I need to be self sufficient. And I need to finish, my homework is right here, in one of these drawers, or one of these bins or whatever, I will be successful. Why did I not do a better job of organizing their space, their lunchboxes, their water bottles, their uniforms, like all of those things should be kept in the same place. So that they always know where to find it. Create a system that works for you, instead of against you. Do you know how many times I said, Max, where’s your tie? It’s mass day, where’s your tie? Max, you need your belt, it’s part of your uniform, where is your belt? Charlie, you need, you know, whatever. If I had prepared them better, and created a system of organization, right, if there was a basket of ties by the door, so that Max could turn around and grab one. It’s a little more work for me. But in the end, it’s less work for everybody. I wish that I had done this. And I will do it this year, when Max is in 8th grade and Charlie’s in 6th grade. Okay. The next thing is get involved as a parent. Here’s what I can tell you about middle school. And I know you’re not going to believe me if you’re not there yet. But Middle School is when they start choosing the wrong friends. They get embarrassed about mom being around too much. And they start making bad decisions. So they want a little more independence here. Because it’s embarrassing for mom to show up. But let me tell you something, get involved, volunteer at the school, go to as many sport functions as you can, I understand that sometimes people have to work but you have to be a present force. Because they are learning. Certainly the consequences of their actions. Yes. But they’re also learning that making decisions from impulse gets them attention. So, whereas like in 2nd grade and 3rd grade, they’re making impulsive decisions, it’s whatever everybody’s doing that. But in middle school, the ones who do it for reaction start to pull ahead, right? And this is when your children make bad, choose wrong friends and make bad decisions. You know, there was an instance at my kids school where I heard the rumor mill started quickly, that a group of girls packed into a bathroom stall. And there were so many girls jam packed in the bathroom stall that it started to rip away from the wall because you know, they’re just screwed it. They’re not like high tech. And I remember, like, silently judging, not judging, but being like, oh, whose kid would do that? And feeling horrified that my child was involved in that.

Jaxon 

That’s an easy one, you know, when everyone’s getting into the bathroom stall. I see it.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

I know. But this is my point is like, I wish that I had set a precedent when Olivia entered Middle School, that I was around more, that I was involved more but I was an afterthought because my job was the priority. And I wish that I knew going into middle school that I was going to have to be involved more, period. Helping them understand how to treat people well. Even when they are not always treated well. This is huge. They have to be taught this, as adults we struggle. If you come at me away, I’m gonna come right back at you. If you disrespect me, I’m disrespecting you, if you whatever I’m whatever it is that our job to teach our children that they are required to lead with kindness even when the world is not kind to them. Because otherwise, like me, bullies are created. Right? I was a perfect storm of bullying, I was being called fat. I had some issues at home, my mother was checked out, my father was sick, it was very, nobody taught me that like, it was okay to still be soft. And like, I didn’t have to retaliate and treat people horribly and get aggressive with everybody. Nobody taught me how to take my pain or my embarrassment or my sadness, and deal with it in healthy ways. And also then still find ways to treat people well. And by the way, I’m 45. And I still need to remind myself that I know how to treat people well, even when the world is not treating me well. I had to teach myself that, no one taught me that. Test anxiety. Test Anxiety is something we never experienced before. Because until middle school, we never had exams. And we just assumed that our kids are ready for this, that they’re, we don’t even take the time to discern whether our children are good test takers. Do they need extra help? How with this added pressure? How are they managing and looking for ways in which test anxiety is manifesting itself? One of my children when they have an exam, paces around the house in the morning wringing her hands. It’s an anxiety response to tests, which now I have learned, but I did not understand what that behavior wasn’t. I used to say to her stop pacing. What are you doing? This poor child was trying to manage how much stress she was under, with all the pressure of what did you get on the test? What did so and so get on the test? Kids talk about that now, right? We didn’t, we got our grades and shoved them into our backpacks, you know, but now, kids talk about it. And I wish that somebody had explained to me that as the level of exam grows, so does the level of anxiety. Did you have test taking anxiety?

Jaxon  22:25

No, I was quite good at taking tests actually. Wow, that’s great.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

That’s really great. I was not. The other thing, peer pressure starts in middle school. Peer pressure starts in middle school. Everything is changing, in elementary school, you’re coming from the world where everybody in the whole class is invited to birthday parties. Everybody wins a trophy. You know, in elementary school, it’s like everybody all the time for everything. In middle school, click start. And your child may want to exclude someone that they’ve always included. Right? Because they feel peer pressure. So, well, my friends don’t like her, why do I have to invite her? Well, because she’s your friend, and she’s been your friend, mom. She’s weird. Suddenly, you’re like, wait, what? What does this even mean? And it’s because your child is under so much social pressure to be the version of themselves they’re projecting that they’re afraid to mess with the balance at all, by including anybody outside of the group, you have got to acknowledge that peer pressure is a real thing, saying things like which I made this mistake. Well, I don’t care what they think. And you shouldn’t either, is one of the most nerve wracking things you can do to a middle schooler who is already under so much peer pressure, because essentially, what you’re saying is I still have the authority to force you to do something you’re not socially comfortable doing. And they’re not yet assertive enough to say, mom, please, I really don’t want to do X, because they haven’t had the parenting, enough parenting history with you to exert any independence, right? They’re coming out of elementary school. They don’t have enough experience with you to say, Mom, this is a watershed issue for me, please don’t make me do this. They just feel your authority plus social pressure, and our kids are fracturing. So if your child feels strongly about something, take the time to understand why I didn’t do that. I was very Susan, in my parenting. I was very militant because I said so. I am still the mother. I am the authority and I will tell you, who you’re hanging out with or what you’re doing or who you’re inviting to your birthday party and I wish that I had not done that. I’m not saying that I’m not for inclusion. That’s not what I mean. But I wish that I had taken time to listen more, so that I could teach better. You’ve got to listen more in middle school so you can teach better, because old ways won’t open new doors. I can tell you right now. The biggest thing that I wish I understood, even though I went through it, and I know you guys are thinking, Jamie, how did you not see it? Is because I know you’re gonna laugh. But my children are so beautiful in my eyes, that I didn’t stop to consider the image kids concerns that they have. But 7th grade is truly the hardest year for children. They are going through some level of change. And you know, girls cry because of friendship, drama, and things like that. Boys start acting out to get attention. It’s true. It is honestly a clusterfuck. You know, you might have your child may be one that develops very quickly. And suddenly, you’re looking at a 13-year old girl, a 12-year old girl with boobs, and a period and you’re just like, what, where did my baby go and the world sees her almost older and more maturely than she sees herself. She’s still afraid of things that go bump in the night, she still maybe believes in Santa or the tooth fairy, but doesn’t want to say out loud whether she knows or doesn’t know. And the world is looking at your child like hey, Hot Mama, and you’re just like, okay, hold the fuck up. Or you have the child that’s opposite, where they’re still holding on to their baby weight. And they haven’t grown yet. They’re the shortest boy in the group. They’re not as athletic or their voice, they still sound girly, right? It’s so hard for them. And we don’t take any of that into consideration.

Jaime Primak Sullivan

Because quite frankly, we’re as uncomfortable with the changes happening to them as they are. So we’re just like, don’t look. Okay, she has boobs don’t look, pretend we don’t see it. Well, you can’t do that. I remember in eighth grade, buying Olivia new sports bras that she at one point was so excited to get. And I remember handing her a new handful of sports bras and she just looked at me and kind of side. And I was like, what? And she was like, I don’t know. I mean, how long do I wear sports bras and I realized, because I’m looking at her as my baby, it never occurred to me that she might want a real bra. Whether, you know what I’m saying? Like, you know, Max and hygiene, hygiene. Jaxon helped me out here. You’re a boy. What is it like with changing hormones and things as a boy in seventh grade? Like your mom is saying, Jaxon, you’re old enough. I’ve already taught you how to wipe your ass and brush your teeth do these things. How well are you doing them in 7th grade?

Jaxon  28:25

Seventh grade, it’s hard to know, just because I probably wasn’t as aware, as I did. Like High School is when you’re really aware, I would say of like, of how you smell or don’t smell. But yeah, it takes a developing awareness that is not just overnight. It’s like, oh, I do need to be showering daily.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Like, right. Yeah, I do need to put deodorant on. I mean, the other thing is like, I never actually had the hard conversations with my kids. Like, you know, I waited for them to come to me when Olivia kept asking, like, can I shave my legs? Can I shave my legs? And I kept saying no, because in my mind, I was thinking, Oh, I know what it’s like to have to shave your legs every day for 30 years or whatever, right? I don’t want her to start this young. But I never stopped to say, tell me why you want to shave your legs. Finally she said mom, like my friends are making fun of me. And I was like, holy fuck, I let it go too long. Like I said no too long, right? What I wish I had done, what I would do differently especially with my son is I would buy the body wash, get the deodorant. Get the mouthwash, get the hair gel, right? Get all the things, go into his bathroom and say listen, you may not need all of these things every day, but you will need some of these things every day. Let me explain to you what deodorant is and how it helps you. Just telling a 13-year old boy put on deodorant they’re like is that for girls? My son actually was like, why are you making me do this? He thought it was for girls. Because I never took the time to explain to him. No, no, it’s for everyone.

Jaxon  30:25

Is he using a stick?

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

He is now.  He’s got old spice in his soccer bag. And I think that’s like a blue sort of clear, smooth one that goes on. And then he’s got a different one. He’s got a Speed Stick in his bedroom.

Jaxon

I think those are both kind of like the the gel ish kind, which isn’t it? For me it was acquired because they’re cold.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

And they feel wet. But also, like I had to teach him about mouthwash and I had to teach him about hair, you know, he was coming down and going to school with his hair sticking straight up like a rooster in the back. Like he just I don’t think he understood that middle school is when people start seeing you for the first time, you don’t realize that. Right? So taking the time to establish a hygiene routine, and actually talking to your children about what that hygiene routine is and why they need it. Do not take for granted that your children understand that deodorant, for example, is a male or female thing. We take it for granted. And you guys don’t realize, I wish I knew that. I wish I had set aside a hygiene regimen with them, and walk them through it and said, Here’s this product. And here’s why we use it. Here’s this in the shower, here’s why we use it, right? We just take for granted. And puberty is rough. And they’re also like, you’ve got to have the conversation with your children, when you know that they start to know things. Let me here’s the like, the number one thing that I wish somebody told me before my kids started middle school, or at least while they were there is your kid is exposed to more than you think. On one hand, they don’t know as much as they think. But they know more than you think. And topics that you are avoiding. Because you think your middle schooler doesn’t know. Every minute that you are not discussing it with them. They are processing information from outside sources. They are hearing things from their friends, they are being influenced on social media. So you think your child doesn’t know what sex is. I was horrified to learn that my son knew what sex was. I was when I tell you floored and I said to him, wait, what do you mean, you know that? Like it was there was a reference made and he laughed in the appropriate way. And it wasn’t like a nervous laugh. It was like I got that reference. I knew what that was. And I was like, hold on. And what that experience was so humbling for me, because here I am still tiptoeing around the tooth fairy and Santa’s like maybe they do maybe they don’t because, you know, I really think my kids believed until yesterday. Charlie still believes. But I was avoiding so many conversations because I thought I was prolonging the inevitable. No. They were looking it up on their phones. Max was hearing things like Dirty Sanchez, and Googling it. I had no fucking idea that my son had an awareness of male female like certainly as sisters. He knows there’s different body parts but like what all that shit is and what it amounts to. How would I he’s never led on 7th grade was transformative for him. It was so hard for him. The girls had matured faster they were so mean to him. It was the first time Max like ever talked about suicide or said he didn’t like himself. Like I was like what the fuck is happening right now? Where’s my baby? Why does he even know what suicide is? You know what I mean? We don’t talk about, I did a huge I did myself a huge disservice by thinking that there were topics that if I didn’t address them, my kids would never face them. That is not fucking real. Nobody told me. You think I know this? I’m a good mom Jackson. I didn’t fucking know. I thought if I didn’t say the word suicide, maybe my kids wouldn’t know it existed. Guess what? They know.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

So, the things I want to tell you, I want to leave you with a list, take this take away from me. I know I jumped around, but it’s really important. These are truly the things that I wish I knew or did before my kids went to middle school. First of all, no, it’s going to be the hardest years of their life. I think it’s harder than high school. It’s definitely harder than college. Elementary school was a walk in the park. Get a class schedule, tore the building, make it as familiar as you can for them, if they went the year they enter a new school, have a routine. Insist that your kids write down their assignments. Make sure you know when their tests and quizzes are so that they’re not stressed, they’re not cramming, you’ve got to talk about test anxiety, it will be new for them. Finals are new for them. Midterms are new for them. They have never been required up into this point to retain that much information. It is terrifying for them, organize their space, their homework space, their uniforms, their sports. Do I know that you think to yourself, God, Jaime, I’m taking on so much. It’s exhausting. I can’t possibly do more. But you can. And you need to, please because you need to create a system that works for you and your middle schooler instead of against you get involved as a parent. Remember, Middle School is when they start choosing the wrong friends and making bad decisions. Before you ever say not my kid. Yes, your fucking kid, probably your kid right now. And my kid, help them understand how to treat people, even when the world is not treating them well, give them coping skills. So when the world is cruel to them, they can process it in a way that does not turn them into the bully. Okay, peer pressure starts in middle school. Take the time to understand why your child is having a 360 uncertain issues. If suddenly they don’t want to invite someone or they don’t want to include someone or they don’t want to go somewhere or they don’t want to whatever. Take the time to understand why I’m not saying you have to let them make all the decisions. That’s not what I’m saying. But take I wish someone told me to take the time to listen more so I could parent better. I really wish I fucking I knew that. The image concerns, 7th grade is truly the hardest. The kids are learning what different things are. They’re being bombarded with different facts of life they didn’t know existed.

Jaime Primak Sullivan  38:16

They’re learning Santa and the Tooth Fairy are not real and mom and dad have sex. These are things they did not know before. Okay? Hard lessons and personal hygiene. They are at the age where it is their responsibility to maintain it. But you’ve got to teach personal hygiene based on their changing bodies. If they have terrible skin, teach them how to wash their face. If they have a hair under their armpits at 12, you’ve got to teach them either how to shave it or how to wash properly, how to use deodorant. We take for granted that if we just stick it in their bathroom, they’re gonna know what to do with it. They don’t. They are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. Are they the athlete, the artists, the reader, the jokester. You’ve got to like help them figure that out because they’re gonna throw a lot of shit at the wall and some of it not only will not stick, but it’ll get them in a lot of trouble. Okay, you’re in the last thing is your kid is exposed to more than you think. On one hand, they don’t know as much as they think they know. But they definitely know more than you think they know. Inevitably someone in their class already knows about what having sex is, giving blow jobs or they know someone who’s tried to commit suicide or they’ve seen it on TikTok. This is, you’re not shielding them from things they haven’t already heard. You’re shielding them from the proper helpful conversations that only you are able to have with them. I wish I knew these things. Before my kids went to middle school. I have pivoted, I have adjusted I’ve made the proper changes, but there were a lot of unnecessary tears and fights. And I wish that I could go back and do it better. As always, thank you so much for listening to this episode of Let’s Talk. I hope it was helpful to some of you, Jaxon, thank you for sharing your experience.

Jaxon 

Thank you for having me.

Jaime Primak Sullivan 

Yes, always. And as always, please like, share, follow subscribe, all of the good things. And we will be with you next week on the next episode of Let’s Talk.

CREDITS

Let’s Tawk is a Lemonada Media Original. Our producer is Xorje Olivares and Dani Matias. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Jamie Primak Sullivan. Mix and scoring is by Brian Castillo. Music is by Dan Molad. Please help others find the show by rating and reviewing wherever you listen. Catch my series Cawfee Tawk on the Jaime Primak Sullivan Facebook page. I’m also on Twitter at @JaimePrimak, and on Instagram at @JaimePSullivan. And follow at @LemonadaMedia across all social platforms. If you want more Let’s Tawk, visit Lemonada Premium only on Apple podcasts.