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Yvette Nicole Brown says being single with no kids in midlife is something to be proud of. At 53, she’s about to walk down the aisle for the first time and she’s happy she waited. All the while, she’s been busy caregiving for her father. In 2013, her dad first started showing signs of Alzheimer’s, so Yvette broke her contract with the beloved comedy series, Community, and took him into her home to take care of him. Yvette and Reshma talk about falling in love at 50, caregiving for elderly parents, and how the decision to leave her full-time acting job was a no-brainer.

Follow Yvette Nicole Brown on Instagram @yvettenicolebrown

You can follow our host Reshma Saujani @reshmasaujani on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/reshmasaujani/?hl=en

Let us know how you’re doing in midlife! You can submit your story to be included in this show at speakpipe.com/midlife

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Interviews, Yvette Nicole Brown, Reshma Saujani

Interviews  00:01

I looked after my mum for two and a half years. We knew she was dying. I can’t say it was easy. It was tough. It was tough. Emotionally, all I’d like to say is it was the biggest honor I’ve ever, ever had in my life, and I would do it again.

 

Reshma Saujani  02:01

Welcome to my So Called Midlife, a podcast where we figure out how to stop just getting through it and start actually living it. I’m Reshma Saujani, caregiving for our parents. It’s a complicated thing, and if you’re in the sandwich generation like me, y’all know exactly what I’m talking about as we maneuver this part of our lives, it’s hard to know exactly what we’re supposed to do. Like, do I need to check my dad’s meds? Do I need to make sure that he’s actually taking them? Do I need to hire somebody like these are really hard things, and it’s hard to find the resources to do it all. But today’s guest, she has figured it all out, and she does it with so much grace. Yvette Nicole Brown is an actress, and she’s best known for her role as Shirley Bennett in the comedy series Community, but when her dad started showing signs of Alzheimer’s in 2014 she broke her contract just to take care of him, and since then, she’s become a powerful caregiver advocate. She’s been interviewing caregivers around the country on her podcast squeezed. The podcast is a lot about the struggles of caregiving, the joys and just how to manage all the big feelings that come along with it. After talking to Yvette, I started thinking about, how do I live my life with kindness, and even if I’m a caregiver to my two sons, how do I make sure that I still care for myself? The other thing that I thought was really powerful was that she recently got engaged in midlife. So for all of us who think like, oh, I’m too old to find my soulmate, no, you’re not. You’re never too old to find love, that’s what Yvette taught me. I’m so excited y’all, let’s get into it.

 

Reshma Saujani  03:44

Yvette, let’s get to it.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  03:46

Okay, do it.

 

Reshma Saujani  03:47

So on this show, we talk a lot about this midlife mindset, we call it, and it varies for a lot of folks I talk to. Some people are like, fuck yeah, living the best time of my life. And other people are like, this sucks. Like my life is over. Where do you live? Like, what’s your midlife mindset?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  04:04

As I swallow my ginger chew, that’s midlife issue, I have to make sure my stomach is okay. Um, you know what I I’ve always felt like an older person, even when I was a kid, when I was like, remember being in, like, junior high, in high school, like, I’ve always been mother hen. I’ve always been the one that watched out for everybody, so I kind of always have looked forward to getting to the age where my bossiness would be understood and appreciated and respected and respected respected. But I finally, I feel like I’ve reached that age. And so when I crossed over 40, I had been hearing women say, you know, this is when your life begins because you stop caring what people think, and you just you know, not selfishly, but you live for yourself. You you prioritize yourself. And I really found that to be true. And now I’m in my 50s. I’m 53 and now I’m really like, I good luck everybody, because, you know, I’m still kind and I still care about people, but I. I have finally realized that I’m people too, so I care and look out for myself as well. And so it’s been my 50s have been wonderful for that reason.

 

Reshma Saujani  05:09

Wow, and do you think there’s a change from your 40s to 50s and, like, kind of ending a little bit of that people pleasing?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  05:16

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, I was raised to be kind, so there’s always going to be a part of me that I think is always going to think about other people, but I think to my detriment, I thought of other people ahead of myself back in the day, and I’m at the place now where I will think of other people in addition to myself. So that’s been the difference crossing over into 50s.

 

Reshma Saujani  05:38

Yeah, so I’d love to give our listeners tips and tricks. Is there anything you discovered in your 50s that’s been a game changer?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  05:45

Uh, you know, I haven’t mastered this, but sleep, restorative sleep is really awesome. Um, I’ve always been historically a really great Napper. Like, I could nap anywhere, me too. But, you know, menopause happens and then your your body gets kind of discombobulated. This is what I’ve learned. If I am heavily scheduled, I am going to be worried about everything that I have to do, and that’s going to affect my sleep the night before, and it’s going to affect my nap time during the day. So I try to not heavily schedule myself. That’s the the thing, you know, give yourself some room. I saw something on Tiktok, I think yesterday, I think was Tiktok, where this woman was talking about she had lost her mother, and she said, my mother, her mother had a stroke. She said she was here one day, she was gone the next, and she said she realized that her mother was slowly dying because her mother never rested. She was always moving, always planning, always doing. And it’s like, to what end are we doing this to ourselves? To what end are we just chasing the bag? And I gotta succeed, and I gotta amass stuff and money and experiences, like, if it’s experiences maybe, like, if it’s you want to go to the most beautiful mountains and visit that’s, you know, restorative rest type travel, things are fine, but this desire to I gotta be on the top I got Why and for how long and how much do you need? So if I was trying to crack the matrix or or give anybody some breadcrumbs, I would say, please do not work and and stress and schedule yourself to your own detriment to where you look up and you know your heart is stopping because you just stressed yourself out for what?

 

Reshma Saujani  07:27

It’s really good advice. It’s like we have to end the hustle culture of just moving to move. I wanted to talk to you about your podcast with Lemonada Squeezed.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  07:38

Yes.

 

Reshma Saujani  07:38

And it follows people across the US for caregiving, whether it’s their kids or their parents or themselves, or some combination of all three. I’ve been listening to it while I go on my runs, and it’s really moved me.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  07:50

Thank you.

 

Reshma Saujani  07:50

You know, what were your biggest takeaways from hosting that show and in your journey as a caregiver activist and the people you’ve met?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  08:00

It’s so funny to even think of myself as a caregiving activist, like I’m just I have been trying to advocate for my father more than anything, and that has led to advocating for other caregivings. And then, you know, lastly, because caregivers are always last, then then advocating for other caregivers. The takeaway from doing that amazing show that I’m so grateful that I got to host is that, you know, you’re not alone. I think so many of us that are caregivers, we’re we put our heads down and we just like, I’m probably just every woman in general. It’s not even just caregivers. It’s something that women in particular do. We just extend ourselves so much for everyone else, right? And you just don’t question whether you’re tired, you don’t question whether you’re hungry, you don’t question whether you have the time. You just go, Okay, well, this is somebody needs me, so I’m going to do it. And so I was, I’m 11 years in, 11 and a half years into caring for my dad, and I just was like listening to these other people tell their stories, how they became caregivers, what their day is like. Because our show is kind of like a docu podcast, and so those of us that are in the trenches, we get to to kind of go down this road with someone else that is walking the path with us. And I, for me, even someone even as a host, when I listen back to episodes, I feel like I’m not alone. I feel like someone else understands, someone else gets it. I was talking to one of the caregivers, and we both, I thought I was the only one that did this. We both write notes to our parents. She cared for her mom. I care for my dad. But in the beginning, when, before their Alzheimer’s got to the place where notes no longer worked, we will write notes, you are home, you are safe. There is a meal in the refrigerator, put it in the microwave for a minute, 30, you know, make sure you you know, turn the light off, you know, just whatever the thing is, yeah, we would just write notes. And that was what carried my dad for a lot of years. When I was still working, he was still able to read the note. Okay, I gotta put this. I remember that, right? I gotta do that. I take my pill. So he used. To be able to do that. And so I thought I was the only, you know, I thought I was the only one that was putting notes all around the house, but then I found that she was doing it too, and I was like, Oh, wow. So that’s it’s a commonality and a community that you, that you build, and I hope that if you can’t find it, or haven’t yet found it in your life, squeezed, can be that safe space for you as you’re in the middle of your journey.

 

Reshma Saujani  10:20

Where you actually feel seen, and heard and heard and valued. Because, like, to me, caregivers are like, it’s service, it’s God. Like, absolutely, absolutely, I want to talk about your father. So you’ve been a caregiver for your father, Omar, for the last 11 years.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  10:37

Yes.

 

Reshma Saujani  10:38

And you said that you noticed something off about him. Can you walk us through the events that led you to bring him under your care and ultimately step off from your job and become his full time caregiver?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  10:51

Yeah, it was, well, so I think 2012 or 13, I believe, and he was in Ohio, and he was working my dad was the head engineer at a middle school. So he was a custodian that took care of the boilers and made sure that the school didn’t explode when they turned the heat on and all of that. But he also was the head custodian, and had been for, you know, 30 years. He was beloved at his middle school, and was always the one that knew where everything was. And he started, you know, forgetting if the trash cans had been brought in from outside, or he was forgetting when the boiler was turned on, and he had an incident where he one of the one of the guys that worked under him, said, well, I didn’t do that, and it was something that my dad had done but didn’t remember doing. And they went and looked at the cameras, and my dad had done it, and it was like, he was like, I had no recollection. So that was my first inkling that something was wrong. Then as time went on and he was retiring, he lost all of his retirement papers. I had flown back to Cleveland to help him get all of his paperwork and everything settled for his retirement. And by the time I left him and had gone to the airport, he had misplaced this binder with everything it had, like his social security card, and it had everything in it. And I was like, this is not like him. He thankfully found it. But that was another thing. And the third thing that was like, this, something’s wrong. I was visiting my aunt Mickey, may she rest in peace. And my dad was coming to see Mickey. And my dad had been coming to Mickey’s House my entire life. He got lost coming to Mickey’s House. And I’m like, you’ve driven here before I was even born. So that made me realize something was wrong. So that was when I decided, as soon as community is canceled, I’m going to Cleveland immediately. I’m packing them up and I’m bringing them and community got canceled on a Friday, by Sunday, I was in Ohio packing my dad up and moved him back. And so maybe, maybe two months later, community got picked up for one more season, and I realized I could not take care of my dad and do 16 hours a day. So that’s when I asked for permission to be released from my contract. And they did. And that’s when it was me and daddy, you know, full time.

 

Reshma Saujani  12:49

I was watching an interview view, I think, on tambod Hall, and she was asked, you know, culture is really important, and you’re like, what we do? We take care of our people. Same in my my culture, right? It’s like Indian people, it’s like you’re sick, you’re moving it, come on, right? Like there’s no, there’s no dropping you off to anywhere, no, right? We don’t do that, because that’s what family means, right? And so you didn’t even think about this for a second. Didn’t even though you were in the height of your career, successful show, it wasn’t even, you didn’t even think about it for a second. Didn’t think about it.  Talk about that.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  13:22

You know, my thing is, you know, my dad taught me how to use a spoon. You know, if I can’t, if I can’t, return the favor, what am I doing? And also, in, in, in, I was gonna say in black, in the black culture, but it really is any culture where there’s a drop of melanin in black, Latino Indian, like we take care of our people. We don’t believe in, in just pushing someone into a home and never seeing them again until you get that horrible call. And so it was, it was a no brainer. And the thing is, I had him with me for 11 years, up until four months ago. He had a fall. He fell and broke his hip, and then, because of the dementia, He never regained the ability to walk, and I could not it would have been 24 hour round the clock care that I could not provide. And I was a social worker that blessed his heart’s name is Daniel. Bless my soul with this. Because I was like, well, I’m just going to take a class, and I’m going to learn how to flip his body. I’m gonna learn how to do the cleaning. I’m going to get, you know, I just started buying stuff for that, like I was prepared to move into 24 hour care for my father in the home from me. And he said, can I just ask you a question? I said, yeah. He said, How do you think your father time would be best spent with your father at this stage of his his illness? Do you think he’d rather have you as his nursemaid or as his daughter? And I said, he would rather have me as his daughter. And he said, and let me ask you this. He said, it’s very clear that no one can love your father more or better than you, but is there someone that could possibly care for him better than you? And I was like, oh, Daniel, it’s a dirt you. Dirty dog Daniel, dirty dog. And I realized, and I had to admit, that at this stage. He had reached, yes, there are hundreds, 1000s of people that could care for him better than me. Never loved but care for him. And so he said, so why don’t you take the time now and the energy that you have and find him the best facility? And so I was, I knew that it would not be some big place. So I found out about board and cares. Which are amazing. The right one is amazing. Boarding cares are in a home. They’re not in a building or facility. There’s boarding cares on residential streets all around you, and you may not even know that that’s what they are. And they’re like a small home that has maybe three or four bedrooms and one or two patients in each room. I found a great 1-15 minutes from my house. My dad has his own room that rivals the room that I had for him. Here, he has 24 hour care from two women and the owner. So there’s three women that are always around my dad, and there’s, I think, three other men. It’s all male board and care. There’s three other men that are there. So he has camaraderie with friends when he’s mentally able to he’s got his own private room with his own phone and his, I mean, his own television, his own bed, and it’s beautiful and it’s safe, and it’s it’s clean, and it’s, every time you go over, it smells like Armenian coffee and and lasagna, like Lala be it, Lala be in the back, whipping up. And anytime I visit, she decides, she decides I’m her caregiv to Lala coming like she’s bringing coffee and crew to Tay, and it’s literally a beautiful space for him. And so when I have to travel, I’m not scared anymore. I’m not worried about if he’s taken care of, he is well taken care of. And I can just go over three or four times a week, sit with him for hours and just be his kid, which has been really great.

 

Reshma Saujani  16:41

How blessed are you to have been able to have that time so take care of your father, so blessed gave you life, and that we live in this culture where we don’t give people that? What does it say about us, where we don’t take care of our elderly and our young like and that isn’t the that isn’t the expectation. You know, I was like looking and reading about you and your career, when you decide to leave community to care of your dad. I’m sure you were nervous and said, is this the end of everything? But in some ways, it was the beginning of so much.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  17:16

You know, it’s funny. I did not think it was the end of anything. I honestly did not care, even if it was, I’m just a different chick in that regard, like I grew up single family home, single parent home, and my dad was always in my life, and my mom and dad were divorced, so I grew up in the house with my mother. So even getting my dad was the first time I’d ever lived in my house with my father, because they got divorced when I was, like, one years old, so that, but it never because of growing up without a lot. I’ve always been a good steward of my money. I have a college degree. I always joke and say McDonald’s is always hiring, and it is I and I don’t have ego about myself or my career. So I if someone pulls up to the McDonald’s drive through and sees me on fries one day and they say, are you? Yvette Nicole Brown, I will say yes. And did you want salt or not? Like, it’s not, I’m not embarrassed about having to work in honest days, you know, work, you know. And the other side of it is I save money, and so I was prepared to use whatever I’d saved to care for my dad until I couldn’t, and then if I had to get a job, I would get a job. It’s just, you know that what this means for me as an actress, I never thought about it. I still don’t think about it. I make my decisions based on if it’s the right thing to do or not, and even in regards to how vocal I am politically, I have people that are like, oh my god, like, aren’t you scared? I’m not scared if I lose everything I have, but I’m on the right side of history than it was supposed to happen. I have this platform to use it. There’s no point in me having this platform if I’m not gonna flap my big old gums about what’s important. I don’t, I really don’t think about what the fallout is if I’m doing the right thing. But it’s been, I’ve always said it’s the best, tough thing I’ve ever done, or the toughest, best thing I’ve ever done, I would not change the 11 years I had him in my care. I would not I would not give up the time that I had with him for the world.

 

Reshma Saujani  19:22

I want to talk to you about your life outside of caregiving.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  22:25

Sure.

 

Reshma Saujani  22:25

You recently got married. Congratulations.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  22:27

Getting married. It hasn’t happened yet. It’s coming.

 

Reshma Saujani  22:29

It’s you’re getting married. So it’s imminent. Did you get the dress?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  22:33

I have the dress. Got the dress. Got the place. I got the place. We got the dress. We got the entrees that are we’re serving to the people that come we’ve got the music and the dance floor. We’ve got it all. It’s literally imminent so yeah.

 

Reshma Saujani  22:46

So how did you and your husband meet?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  22:48

We actually knew each other when we were in our 20s. We were an acting class at church, faithful central Bible Church shouted out in Inglewood, and he was married at the time, and we were just really, really good friends. And he ended up moving he and his wife and had moved back to New York, and I lost touch with them for like, 25 years, I think, and they got divorced, and he started, unbeknownst to me, started sending me DMS on Instagram, like, you know, great job, or hope you’re doing well, and not trying to get at me, just trying to rekindle a friendship, because we had a really great friendship. And then maybe a year into that, because I didn’t know who he was, his name wasn’t his name, and his face was some weird cartoon. And I didn’t it was just a nice he was just a nice man. I didn’t know Cindy like.

 

Reshma Saujani  23:31

Who’s it?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  23:32

[…] exactly, and then my mom passed, sadly, and he knew how close I was with my mom. And so then his messages, his messages, his DMS got to be like, I’m just checking on you. How you doing, you know, how are you? And I wrote back. I was like, Who are you? Like, what is this? Who are you? And he was like, It’s Tony Davis. And I was like, Tony. And my heart went boom. And I was like, wait a minute. And we just started talking. And that was two years ago. We started talking. And first it was, you know, a couple times a week, then it was, you know, every day, and then it was FaceTiming every day, all day. And then we both looked up and was like, wow, you’re my person. So he’s my person.

 

Reshma Saujani  24:10

I look I watched you all on getting grilled with Curtis Stone, and I could tell you that was just like, you’re so cute. Yeah, you said others, you want to be an inspiration to women in their 40s and 50s not to settle. Yeah, I have a lot of friends in my four you know, who are in their 40s and who haven’t found the one, and it’s hard.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  24:31

Yeah, it is. Listen, I was 50, 51 and hadn’t found the one, and had decided it’s my natural set point is joy. I’m not gonna be miserable. I refuse. So I had decided that, you know, it God had given with with both hands in so many areas of my life, I’m like, I would be greedy and also just hateful to be mad at him because love wasn’t, you know, on my list of things to have. Everybody doesn’t get it, you know, and, and it’s not like my life was horrible as a single woman. And that’s. The other thing is, what Tracy Ellis Ross always talks about it too, and I respect her greatly. For the longest time it was me and me and Tracy flying this flag. It is not. You’re not wrong or missing or lacking. If you’re a single woman without kids over 40 or 50. It sometimes love happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you make decisions when you’re younger that you spent too much time with the wrong one. There’s a lot of reasons, but I think that we’re doing every woman a disservice when we tell her that she only has value if she has a husband and children. I just think that’s so unfair. There are there are some women that don’t want to have kids. There’s some women who can’t have kids. There’s some women that don’t want to get married. They just want to I have a professor, a college professor, who never had kids and never married, and she wanted to spend her life traveling the world, and she has been to every single country and just about every single city of note in the world, and she is happy and fulfilled. And I defy anybody to say that she wasted her life. So, you know, so I am grateful that my perfect match finally was able to be in my life. But I was really great, you know, when I was single and but that said I would have been in a much more horrible place in life had I said yes to one of them, knuckleheads I was dating. So the so the message is, don’t just grab somebody because you feel like your time is running out.

 

Reshma Saujani  26:28

Or do you feel like you have to meet society’s expectations of what success is?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  26:33

You will regret that you will not regret being single your entire life, if you you live a full, rich life, but you will regret just grabbing somebody because it this musical chairs and the music is ending. Don’t do that.

 

Reshma Saujani  26:45

So how was dating in midlife? Were you on the apps for your friends, setting you up like, what was it?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  26:51

Oh, it’s horrible. Yeah, I was on the I was have been on just about every app. I think I might still be on the apps, because I when I abandon something, I just walk away. I don’t even think I took my face off, I might have an inbox full of hey, hey, how you doing? You know, it’s all just hello, beautiful, you know, whatever. So, yeah, I was on the apps. I made a couple of friends on the apps. There’s a couple of guys that I matched with that were not the match for me, but I still talk to some of them. They still reach out. One of them reached out last week we were talking about the election. The election, but I just didn’t find my my guy like it just and because my guy was in New York, and for a long time he was married to somebody else. So that’s why I didn’t have love in my life. I realize that now I think everything is in divine order. And let me be clear, because I joke about this when I talk about it, but I want to be clear, I was not pining for Tony. I was not, you know, I had lost touch with Tony. Tony would cross my mind in the sense that, oh, he was a really nice guy. Or I would, yeah, I would gage other guys against like, oh, he’s not as funny as Tony, or he’s not as cute as Tony, because there were a couple of friends that knew that I thought Tony was great back in the day. But I don’t want anyone to think that I’m sitting here like, you know, with a with a voodoo doll putting pins in his wife’s, you know, it wasn’t like that. It’s, it was a wonderful surprise that he returned to my life and that we ended up finding love. It was a surprise.

 

Reshma Saujani  28:13

Do you have any advice for midlifers? Because I do feel like a lot of my friends who are on the apps are just generally trying to meet somebody. It’s like, it’s harder for the very perception, right? That suddenly, the older we get, we’re no longer attractive, we’re no longer beautiful, we’re no longer relevant.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  28:26

Yeah, I think I feel like, though, like, just like I said, before you get what you expect in this life. And so if you’ve decided that you’ve lost your value because you’re over 40, then that is the reality that will hit you. I think we hit our stride when we’re in our 40s. I think we just and beyond. I think we just get better and better and better. My advice would be, and this is probably going to anger some people, because it used to anger me when people would say this, but when you meet your person, you absolutely know. And I’m like, what is the knowing? Like they would say it all the time. You just know. And I promise you, there’s, this is the best example I can give when I was dating knuckleheads, anytime they text me or didn’t call or they said something that was vague, I would go to my brain trust, my group my group text, y’all he sent me this, and what does this mean? And he said this, and why did he I was always talking to my my female friends, why is he doing this? And some of my male friends, what does this mean? When it is your person, you do not have to ask any questions. You do not wonder one because they will be very clear and very they’re coming for you. You will feel the push of this person wanting to spend time with you. They want to call you. They want to see you. There’s not this you know, them disappearing for a week at a time, or they you text them, and it takes them 20 hours to text you back. No, when it’s your person, I don’t care where you are. In the process, when me and Tony were just friends, if I text Tony, Tony text me back. If I called Tony, Tony called me back. If I asked Tony a question, Tony answered the question. There was no I didn’t have to. Ask anybody what he meant, because I could go Tony, what you mean, he go just what I mean, you know what I mean. Or he was so clear that I didn’t have a question as to what he meant. So it’s really, that it’s just easy. It’s almost the same as if you meet a friend, ever meet a new person and you, you really, really want to be their friend, and they, you feel like they’re running from you, you know. Well, do you want to go to lunch? Um, can’t do lunch, but maybe next week you reach out. Next week, how about today? Oh, I don’t know. You would not try too much longer with a friend like that, but somehow, when you add the I like you to it, then the person that’s basically running from you, you’re chasing. There should be no Chase. You both want to be there. You both are like, Tuesday, sure, I’d love to see you again when you want to go tomorrow, yes.

 

Reshma Saujani  30:43

Especially when you’re grown right, like you think the games should be done.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  30:47

The games are done. And listen this. This goes for the young people too. I don’t think it needs to be that hard when you’re young either you find someone whose weirdness fits your weirdness, because me and Tony are weirdos. We’re really weird, like, just silly, fun loving, crazy people. So I can’t imagine that there’s anybody on this earth that’s better fitted for my particular silliness than that man. And I think he would say exactly the same. We’re both just crazy in the best way.

 

Reshma Saujani  31:12

Were people in your family like pressuring you guys to get engaged for a long time?

 

Reshma Saujani  31:17

No, and me and Tony, and me and Tony got engaged quickly, like, I think we were talking the other day. I don’t remember we don’t remember when we were like, you will be boyfriend, girlfriend or we. I don’t think we ever said it. We just were, knew that we were each other’s person. And with the engagement, I think we were only dating, because I don’t remember the date. I think we were only dating, like, four or five months officially, before he asked me. And now it’s been a year that we’ve been engaged and we’re getting married soon. So it just doesn’t take. I mean, I’ve done six, seven years with somebody liking, somebody pining for somebody thinking that somebody’s the right one. If he just one day, he’s gonna realize, no, baby, don’t do that to yourself. If it’s the right one. They know. And you know, you just know.

 

Reshma Saujani  33:17

Can I ask you something? Do you think your experience caring for your father also taught you some lessons that allowed you to see this relationship so clearly?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  35:09

You know if it did, it would be like a wax on, wax off, Karate Kid moment where I learned something that I didn’t know I was I was learning. What I do know about living with having my father live with me for the first time ever, is I really got to see what men are like up close in a you know, when they need you, like my dad is, you know, he needed me. So he was very vulnerable. And so it changed the type of man, the type of relationship that I wanted to have with a man like I wanted vulnerability. I don’t need the strong, silent, you know, stoic, alpha male energy. And that’s not saying that Tony’s not a strong man. He’s very strong, but he’s also very in touch with his emotions. He uses his words. He’s a kind, loving man in the same way my dad is a kind, loving man. So in a wax on, wax off type of way my dad might have been mirroring the the type of man that I ultimately would fall for, because you just want someone that’s kind. And I tell girl, I tell women now and young girls now, yeah, you want to he’s cute, or he’s tall, or whatever your little list is. If number one is not kind, you are doing yourself a disservice. You want a kind man more than anything. I promise you.

 

Reshma Saujani  36:23

I’m still with you. I married a kind man. Yeah? I mean, he is just Nahal has never says a single bad word about anybody.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  36:31

Yeah, now, let me say this, Tony’s from the Bronx, so there’s a moment, you know, on that Bronx side, just like I’m from East Cleveland, I’m lovely and kind. But do you don’t want to meet? He’s Cleveland, so there’s been times when the Bronx has got to come out, but if you ain’t on his bad side, Tony’s lovely.

 

Reshma Saujani  36:47

I want to ask you something, how do you make time for yourself? Like, what’s that?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  36:52

I don’t know.

 

Reshma Saujani  36:53

I got the wrong answer.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  36:54

I know it is, and I honestly self care. I like I was, I had to go to the doctor recently, I have diabetes, everybody I’ve talked about it, and, you know, they do like a neuropathy test. I hope I said that, right? And they, you know, stick little pins, little tiny needles in your toes to make sure you can feel the little needle prick. And I forget, every time I go to my doctor, I forget that, you know, at a certain point of the year, we have to do that. And he was like, can you take your shoes off? I was like, Oh, God, because I hadn’t had a pedicure. I haven’t had a pedicure and Lord knows how long, and I was like, Doctor, I’m so sorry. You about to look at these toes. So I don’t have a self care regimen where it’s like, every other week I get my nails done, or I go get my massages, or I sleep, and I drink some wonderful chamomile tea and I go to bed. I just don’t have it, I don’t know how to do it. And that’s something that a lot of caregivers, I think, would say, because we’re so outwardly focused, I think to be a caregiver, you have to be outwardly focused. Even amongst our cultures, you know, we’re all loving and whatever, but everybody in the family ain’t bringing somebody in the house. Somebody’s gonna bring the person in, but everybody ain’t. So those of us that do choose to do it. I think that we’re outward facing and and often to our detriment. So honestly, don’t I don’t know.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  37:13

Everyone comes last in my face. I mean, it has to be like, my back’s got to give out, or something physically has to go wrong, where I’m like, oh.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  37:53

Yeah, same. Which is not good, I want to tell you, and I’m telling myself, that’s not good, but it’s the truth.

 

38:00

Well, we’re making commitments. You’re gonna do something for yourself this week. Go get a pedicure.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  38:25

How better? Because listen, these hooves, these hooves over here.

 

Reshma Saujani  38:29

Does Tony take care of you? Do you let him take care of.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  38:31

Oh, does he take care of me? This man is, you know, I always feel like and this is the other way you’ll know, ladies and gents, the person will love you the way the Lord loves you, you know, I the way Tony loves me. It is if Jesus himself was like, let me come on. Let me make you some tea. Let me talk to you, you know, yeah. And there’s something about Tony, you know, I don’t they talk about regulating your nervous system. And some of that is a little too shishi poo for me. Too stars in the sky for me, but I do believe that when I am having a moment where I’m just crazy, like life is just lifeing, if I can get to Tony and get a hug from Tony, I am great. And Tony, sometimes he’ll see me, and he’ll just hold his arms out, and I go in and give him a hug, and he just holds me and it’s in it. And right when he’s in there, because I had a bad day, and then no food, like the traffic was, and he’d be like, let it out. Just get it out. And then once I get it out, I’m back to normal. He’s like, he’s like, my battery pack. He’s like my USB charging station. That’s the best way I can say it. And, you know, I hope that I’m that for him as well. But that literally is, is one of the that’s how you know you’re with your person. Because they just they energize you and recharge you, and they calm you down. And, you know, all of those things.

 

Reshma Saujani  39:47

I do the same thing I do a hug. And then he’ll say, release, yeah. And I’ll just, yeah.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  39:51

That’s it. Now he doesn’t tell me to release, but my body just naturally just goes, oh. And it’s like, everything is right, even if nothing is right in the world. Everything is right in the world, in that moment.

 

Reshma Saujani  40:02

It’s a and whatever. It’s a hug. It’s like a game changer. It’s kind of.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  40:06

It’s a game changer hug. And that’s, and, listen, that’s what happens when it’s your person or and not just your person, if it’s, if it’s the people that love you could be your best friend, it could be your brother or sister, it could be your mom or dad, it could be your great love. But it’s, it’s a hug from these particular people is just different, you know, it’s just a different thing.

 

Reshma Saujani  40:25

So I just want to close with, is there any advice, even though you didn’t take it that you’d give another woman who’s juggling caregiving, work relationships?

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  40:34

You know, it’s the same thing that people tell me, you know, you have to find you got to put your oxygen mask on first. And, you know, I have not learned how to do it, but I do know that it is the right thing to do. So that means also get it’s say no to some things. You know, you can’t do everything for everybody. Like, I understand that need to just be all things to all people, but we can’t be so you have to remember that.

 

Reshma Saujani  40:58

Amen, thank you so much. Thank you this conversation. I think it’s gonna really people need to hear this.

 

Yvette Nicole Brown  41:06

Oh, so hope it helps some people.

 

Reshma Saujani  41:08

It definitely will.

 

Reshma Saujani  41:22

Yvette Nicole Brown is an actress, podcast host and daughter. You can listen to her podcast Squeezed wherever you’re listening right now. I love that Yvette has stopped people pleasing in her 50s, but I’d also love to see her go get that pedicure, do something for herself. She deserves it, and that goes for all of you who are listening out there, take care of you too. Okay, see you next week.

 

CREDITS  41:55

There’s more of My So Called Midlife with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like midlife advice that didn’t make it into the show. Subscribe now in Apple podcast, I’m your host, Reshma Saujani, our producer is Claire Jones, this series is sound designed by Ivan Kuraev. Our theme was composed by Ivan Kuraev and performed by Ryan Jewell, Ivan Kuraev and Karen […].  Our senior supervising producer is Kristen Lepore. Our VP of new content is Rachel Neel. Executive Producers include me, Reshma Saujani, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Series consulting and production support from Katie Cordova. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review and let us know how you’re doing in midlife. You can submit your story to be included in this show at speakpipe.com/midlife follow My So Called Midlife, wherever you get your podcast, or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership. Thanks for listening, see you next week, bye.