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The sex doctor will see you, now! Dr. Emily Morse is the host of the “Sex with Emily” podcast, a MasterClass instructor on sex and communication and best-selling author of “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ & Own Your Pleasure.” This week, Ricki opens up about her own sex life as she gets tips from Emily on what to do if you’re stuck in a rut, why polyamory is on the rise, and how to inject more adventure and pleasure into intimacy.

Show resources:

• Yes, No, Maybe List: Find New Ways to Play:

https://sexwithemily.com/yes-no-maybe-the-list-every-relationship-needs/

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Dr. Emily Morse, Ricki Lake

Ricki Lake  00:02

This is The High Life With Me, Ricki Lake, where we find out how my guests crack the code to living a full and vibrant life so you can too. Today’s episode is all about sex, baby, how to have it, what to do if you’re not having it, how to feel better while you’re doing it. And I am super excited to have my friend Dr.Emily Morse, who is a doctor of human sexuality. She is also a best selling author of the book Smart Sex, How To Boost Your Sex IQ and own your pleasure. I have it on my bedside and the host of the hit podcast, Sex with Emily, I’m so happy to have you here. Thank you so much for being a part of this podcast, I love you.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  00:39

I love you. Ricki, I’m so excited to be here.

 

Ricki Lake  00:41

Okay, I start this show with this question. It’s the perfect question for you. Where are you getting your highs from right now? Like, what is bringing you pleasure and joy lately? It could be big, small, anything at all.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  00:55

That’s a great question. I would say I’m getting most of my highs from my connections, from my friendships, from the my community, the people in my life are the things that are lifting me up. I’m realizing, the older I get, that my friends are like medicine for me, and the more time, like, if I look at my week and I haven’t seen anybody for a few days, because I can also be very introverted. I’m like, an extrovert, introvert, and like, okay, well, then I’m going to go out with my friends, or I’m gonna make a plan and I’m gonna do it, and that is the thing that lifts me up, yeah? So I would say that’s the main high, and then, of course, my dog, yeah.

 

Ricki Lake  01:27

Well, one thing I could say about you is you’re spontaneous, because you and I just ran into each other at the nail salon, secretive nails in Santa Monica, the best place for a dry manicure, just, you know, and they’re not paying me to say that. And Ross and I were going out that night, and we had an extra two tickets to this, this seedless concert, and you’re like, I’m in.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  01:49

Well, I adore you too, and I am spontaneous. If something is a full body yes, I’m in, but if I’m like, wavering, and I don’t know, let me think about it, then it’s just a no. And I go towards those yeses. So I think that you’re someone who gives me joy. Whenever I see you, I’m like, I just adore you and Ross, and I’m so inspired by you.

 

Ricki Lake  02:07

I feel the same. I was just gonna say, you inspire me like you’re just this youthful spirit. We’re about the same age. I’m a little bit older than you, and I have so much to learn from you. And I’ve had kids. Obviously you haven’t had kids, but I just, I feel like there’s like, we’re really good for each other, is what I think.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  02:23

I think so too. I feel the same exact way by you. I’m inspired by your authenticity and how real you are about everything that you’re going through, and like sharing your love and sharing your heartaches online, and you just do it. It feels very effortless and authentic, you know, with your hair loss and just all the stuff that you’ve gone through, I just watched you. I’m like, that’s you’re just so brave and you’re so joyous. I feel like you have such a joyous, open spirit.

 

Ricki Lake  02:46

Thank you. Well, let’s see how open I am talking about sex. How did you even get into doing what you do?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  02:55

It’s a great question. So I, I got into it because 20 years ago, so I was in my early 30s, I was having sex that was not satisfying. It was really I didn’t have a lot of information about sex. I would get into relationships, and then the sex would, you know, after six months to a year, wasn’t as interesting, it didn’t feel as good, and I wasn’t having as much pleasure. And I thought that something was wrong with me. I thought, well, if the sex is dying in a relationship, I should probably end the relationship, you know. So I just really went on a fact finding mission to see what could I learn about sex, and why is my partner always having orgasms, and I am not. There was all this inequity around sex, and when I went to search for answers, there was not a lot out there. There wasn’t a lot about female sexuality, for sure. And we had like, Dr Ruth, you know, who just passed, bless her last Dr Ruth. I mean, she’s such a pioneer. And I felt that it was time to have these conversations. And I would start talking to my friends about it, and they were all very open. And I found it. I was living in San Francisco at the time, and I had just heard about podcasting, and it just started. It was 2005 I invited a bunch of friends over, like, gay, straight, dating, online, married, and I interviewed them, everybody for about six, seven hours. And I just thought, this is what I want to do. This is going to change people’s lives. I was already, my life was already changing. And it was really, it was scary. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing like, I go back and I, you know, I was not the expert. I did go back to grad school and got my doctorate in human sexuality a few years later, but I just had that, hell yes, I had that feeling like a full body. This is my purpose.

 

Ricki Lake  04:32

And so when you found your purpose or your calling in this way, did your sex life get better?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  04:39

Yes, my sex life got so much better. So before that, like pre sex with Emily, my sex life was all about I was very performative. So the sex I was having was I was faking orgasms. I really loved connection and intimacy and kissing and cuddling and all those things. But the sex part of it was just like, when is this going to be over? I. I was doing all the things that I thought looked good for my partner, and you know, I didn’t know it was called performative sex then, but that’s what I was doing. And I thought, then, once I started to educate myself, well, only 20% of women have orgasms during penetration. A lot of couples struggle with long term intimacy. It’s actually the norm, not the exception, that most couples, after they get past the glorious honeymoon phase, are going to have to start talking about their sex lives and working on it. I learned about the magic of sex toys, masturbation. I didn’t even masturbate that much. So once I learned, I couldn’t unlearn. And I decided that every partner I’m going to be with, I’m just, you know, I’m going to bring my full self, and so my sex life is so much more fulfilling and communicative. And not that it’s always incredible, too. You know, like I have the same challenge as everybody, but yes, my sex life is definitely more me and more satisfying.

 

05:52

God, my head is spinning. I have so many places to go with it, like, what is sex? How do you define what sex is?  Because when I think of like as a heterosexual couple, you think of it as intercourse, right? Or you think of it right, but it’s so many things.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  06:06

It’s so many things. You know, one of my missions is to decenter sex on penetration, because for so many of us it’s especially women, it’s really not the most satisfying. It’s not where all the pleasure is happening, but the reason why sex has always been defined as penetration goes back to a lot of things, into to religion, to culture, to like, that’s how you make babies, right? People who have grown up in more conservative or religious backgrounds or told like, don’t have sex until you’re married and but I think when we really now that we have so much great information and research about female sexuality, like that’s just not where the magic happens. Oral sex can be sex, cuddling can be sex, mutual masturbation, just, you know, all the stuff that we would call foreplay, which is a term that I don’t love, but I still use sometimes, because we all know what it means. But foreplay can be sex, you know, can be the main event.

 

06:58

Wait, why do you not like the word foreplay?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  07:01

Because the only reason I don’t like the word foreplay is because it centers sex on penetration, because then it’s like, well, this is all the stuff we’re going to do to lead up to the big act of penetration. But for me, so much satisfied sex is oral sex, mutual masturbation. We’re both masturbating. We sometimes it’s just touching and whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I love some penetration, but I think by opening it up and being like, whatever you like, with foreplay could also be sex. This whole notion that sex is this linear act that starts with kissing and then maybe someone you know touches your boob, goes down your pants, and then you have sex. It’s like, I just don’t think that that is a realistic portrayal of where people get the most pleasure, sexually, especially women. But I use it all the time, because we all know what it means. But I think that there’s a lot of magic in looking at foreplay as sex too.

 

07:49

It could be the best part, exactly. And the build up, right?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  07:53

The build up the anticipation.

 

07:55

Yeah, do you must know Dan Savage, right? You must he was on my old show a lot, I love him. Andhe someone said to him, what is the greatest advice, sex advice you’ve been given? And he said, and I think it’s a great, great piece of advice. Fuck first, like before you go to dinner, before you go to the party. Do it when you’re before you’ve had a big meal.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  08:19

Fuck first absolutely, because then there’s this pressure. You have a big meal, you’re exhausted, you drank too much, you whatever. I love that I used to say my I had a boyfriend years ago. Was on the show, we called it like winner, winner, sex before dinner.

 

08:31

Okay, so you get that is, I mean, I think that’s a great way, because I have my dog, Dolly. You’ve met my little dog, my white dog. She cock blocks me every night, every night she sleeps between my legs. And, I mean, she’s very territorial with me, and she wants Ross to back the hell off. And it’s, it is a problem. I mean, it’s definitely like my sex life has waned significantly since she’s moved into the house, and, you know, we’re still newlyweds. Kind of been married in two years. What do you suggest I do?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  09:07

I suggest, I mean, I get it, I My dog is my everything. Are there different times a day you can have sex? Could you when are you the most turnout? I mean, I think also we talk about finding when sex works for you. There’s this notion that it has to happen at night, right? Like, after you brush your teeth, you get in bed. Now we have sex, for so many of us, that doesn’t work. So what if it’s a net in the middle of the day? In fact, studies around female sexuality showed and desire shows that women are really good late afternoon weekends when there’s less pressure. So finding times that sex actually works in your day, where dolly will be like, okay, I get it like, this is now my time.

 

09:45

Okay, that’s really good advice. Yeah, and Ross does work from home, so you know.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  09:50

There you go, and you’re at home too, right? And in my last relationship, I said, I said to him, it’s not gonna happen like, Tuesday night at 10. It’s not gonna happen Wednesday. I want to be in bed, I’m like a lately, I’m just going to bed a lot earlier because I wanted to get ahead of him feeling rejected or me feeling guilty. This is what I preach so much to couples, and why I always say communication is a lubrication when we leave Sex Up for chance, which is probably why Dan Savage said fuck first. Like that’s just fucking troubleshoot how we can make the sex happen. We’re just going to try to figure it out. So I have the same desire at the same time, my partner has desire. We both have this explosive sex that’s not reality, that is not real life. So how do we figure out, from what we know about ourselves, what knowledge do we about ourselves of when am I is it after a workout? Is it on a weekend when there’s nothing on the calendar. Is it after a bath? Like, is it when we take a bath together? Is it after a hike? Is it after we go out to dinner and have a great conversation? I really ask people to look at this and say, like, what actually works for me? When am I the most turned on?

 

10:55

Yeah, I don’t know the answer. I really have to sit with that one. Yeah, I don’t know, and my so much of my stuff is hormones right now because I’m in perimenopause, and this is actually the second month that I haven’t had my period. So it’s been about like 70 or 80 days since I’ve had my period, which is a first for me in my 55 years. So I’m just new at this, but I have noticed my libido has been significantly lower in the last few months, but I really want to figure out, like, when am I wanting sex? When am I getting that like spark of just like I want to get it on, I don’t masturbate very often lately.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  11:30

Okay.

 

Ricki Lake  11:30

And so I guess it’s just my libido is lower, which is what happens at this time of age, correct?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  11:37

I think this time of age, we now know that it’s hormone, so we lose estrogen, it goes from like we have estrogen our whole life. It’s working for us, we need it. It helps with lubrication. It helps with, you know, the tissues in our being strong, in our vaginal walls. And then when we lose estrogen, everything becomes dry, like it’s gone, like the bank is in zero, like it’s gone. So what means is, our hair is dry, our skin’s dry, our vagina like but now we have so much more information to know that most women can benefit from vaginal estrogen because it helps to rebuild the tissues. And there are different ways to take the estrogen and then also testosterone, which is still off label for women, but for some women, testosterone can really help with libido. So yes, we could troubleshoot that at this stage of life. It’s it’ll be so interesting to see if you’re only a few days in. But progesterone definitely helps with sleep. I take that. It can help with night sweats. It can help with but you need progesterone and estrogen together.

 

12:31

Okay, thank you for sharing. We’ll be right back in just a moment with more from Dr Emily Morse.

 

12:49

All right, let’s switch gears to like non monogamy. I mean, I tried to be in an open relationship because I was dating someone that shall remain nameless, before Ross that did not want a committed relationship. I lost my partner, Christian, to suicide a couple years before, and so I, you know, and I was married to him, and I thought it was going to have this future with him. So when I was getting over that loss and trying to get back on my feet and dating again, and I’m in my early 50s, I just shaved my head. I was, I was in a vulnerable place, and also, like, I want partnership, like I really am someone who thrives in having my person, you know, and I thought I could be a free spirit, and sure, let’s try the open thing. It turned me into, like, someone insecure. I’m not insecure. It made me jealous, it brought out really, the worst in me. And I just wondered, like, where are we today in the landscape of dating and open everyone seeming to want this polyamorous lifestyle.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  13:49

Polyamory, it is on the rise, for sure. You know, the last five or six years, we’re hearing more about it, people are more open, that they’re open, not that hasn’t always been going on. But, you know, it sounds to me like that partner, if that’s how you were feeling in the relationship, just to kind of use that as an example, it doesn’t sound like it was a healthy form of open relationships, because first off, maybe it was never for you, and so that would have been something to not engage in. It’s not for everybody. But what we’re finding is monogamy isn’t for everybody either. So people who I see in healthy, non monogamous, ethical, non monogamous relationships, they’ve both decided that that’s something that they really want. They spend more time talking than fucking, to be honest. Like people always think you’re having sex and you’re having orgies and you know, all the time, which you might be. But people who are, who are in ethical, non monogamous relationships, they talk about the jealousy. They don’t want their partner to experience jealousy, but they understand it’s going to happen, and then they learn to address it and work through it. Because a lot of times, jealousy is telling us something about ourselves. And so the you know, you could say your partner, I feel like this jealousy is coming up, and here’s what it means for me. So anyway, it does happen, but people who are doing it in a way that works for them. They have to both want it. They have to practice a rigorous honesty. They set boundaries. They set rules. Now they are often changing, but they you know, the couples I know doing it are like it works for them until it doesn’t. They might have a primary partner where they’re together, but they each have secondary partners. They’re completely honest about it. They tell each other when they’re going on dates. They might even have a shared calendar, like, I’ve seen extremes where people have, like, a shared Google Calendar with like six partners, and they’re all realizing, you know, when people are gonna get together. And it’s definitely a lifestyle choice. It’s people with certain personalities is better for than others, so I think there’s a lot more acceptance of it, and people are sort of exploring what it looks like. For some couples, it’s going to a sex party once a month, and now they’re ethically non monogamous. For some they spend two week at weeks apart in the summer, where they both go off and do their own thing, and everything’s okay, but the rest of the year they’re monogamous. We are also seeing a movement right now towards like the living apart together movement or the lat movement. And couples are finding that they just they love date night. They love having time where they see each other and times where they have nights apart. For some people just separate bedrooms, right? And so just giving people permission to see what works for them. So what I like about ethical non monogamy is that you can slice it any way you want, rather than monogamy being the one size fits all for most people when it doesn’t really work.

 

16:30

Why do you think it’s on the rise now? Is, does it have anything to do with the way most people are meeting, which is online, on these dating apps?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  16:38

Maybe, oh God, there’s so many reasons for it. I think, Well, I think Well, I think we see it on social media, people are very open. I mean, like, there’s a lot of you like, I didn’t realize I was a lesbian. I liked women until I saw Tiktok, right? I think that people like seeing more examples of people in open relationships. Maybe there’s more, you know, media that’s depicting that, more TV, more film. I think that women are also realizing that they’re just they’re making their own money, and men too, that maybe just working for them. I think it’s just more accepted now. And I couldn’t tell you that there’s one thing, but I feel like since the pandemic, a lot has changed around sexuality. We also see a lot of people aren’t having sex. There’s sort of a sex drought right now, or sex recession?

 

17:23

Yes. Can we talk about that? What’s going on?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  17:27

Yeah, it’s funny. Well, I was, I went to New York last week. I was actually on the Today Show on Thursday, and funny enough to talk about celibacy. There was a celibacy trend that is on the rise right now where young people, not even young people, but the women on the show, they had, like a few women who are celebrating their 20s and 30s. They’re tired of the dating, you know, treadmill. They haven’t loved this compulsory need to always be dating, always be having sex, be in a relationship, and they’ve decided that they’re going to take time to be abstinent. Celibacy is more religious connotations, but they’re taking time to be abstinent so they can really work on themselves, figure out who they like. They found that dating online was toxic, you know, that they were spending so much time, maybe they they just for one of the women she has got, she was in a really toxic, unhealthy relationship for many years, and so she was celibate. Another woman has a single mom, and she wanted to really set a great example for her child. And the other woman was five years she was celibate, but she started a business. She got more confidence back, she went to therapy. So I think that for women and for men too, but I think for these women in particular, they were finding that they were spending so much time obsessing about the guy who’s gonna text him back, being on the apps, but they weren’t able to actually know who they were without a man in their life. So they thought, I’m just going to take this time and see what happens.

 

18:48

Wow. I mean that that actually makes sense, because it does. It is so much effort and so time consuming being on those I see my friends, I mean, and it’s mostly like, like, thankless and and disappointing.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  19:01

It is, and how you know somebody I know, yeah, God.

 

19:05

So has it changed since you started doing this in 2005 with your podcast? I mean, has technology changed the landscape of sex, I’m talking about those dating apps, you know, from Grindr to Tinder to, I mean, there, there’s so many of them now, what’s changed?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  19:21

What here’s what hasn’t changed. What hasn’t changed is that everybody thinks they live in the worst town to date in no matter where they live in the world, it is the worst place to date. But when they go visit somewhere and they’re free from home, and they’re traveling, and they’re in a much more open minded place, they love it. They’re like, oh, I can find people when I’m traveling. I think it’s because we take a lot of pressure off ourselves and a new city is exciting, so we get that adrenaline, that dopamine. So that’s what hasn’t changed, is that people always think that dating is hard, so to say so that. But then now we have the dating apps, and everyone’s sliding and everyone’s DMS, so, and then porn too. So the other thing that’s changed when it comes to sex, is that it wasn’t until the first smartphone. What year was that? Like, 2007 I think when the first smartphone came out, when porn became available in your pocket, and porn became readily available everywhere, and free, it was free, exactly. Porn was free. You didn’t need to, like, rent it or get a DVD. So I think that that when you have the younger generation who’s like the iPad generation, who grew up with digital technology, who grew up with porn and seeing porn as their first depiction of sex, which can be really scary and harrowing as a young child, because the other thing that hasn’t changed is that we don’t have comprehensive, accurate sex education in America, for sure, only 17 states require sex ed to be medically accurate and to be taught at all. Plus, you look at what’s happening politically right now, where we’re not allowing reproductive rights in a lot of places, in the lot of states, so it’s sort of a disaster. So I think the other thing about the celibacy movement is that people are saying, like, I don’t want to get pregnant either and not be able to get an abortion in my state. But going back to porn, is that I’ll just call it, that porn is not an accurate depiction of sex. It can be titillating, arousing, turn on, but if you’re seeing porn, then, of course, like I talked about being performative in my 20s and early 30s, imagine if you grew up watching porn, it’s a lot more pressure, and no one’s debunking these porn myths and saying that’s actually not true. That’s not an accurate representation of sex.

 

21:28

Yeah, what are some of those myths? What are please help us in debunking some of these myths.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  21:33

Gosh, I mean, there’s so many. So some of the myths around porn are that penetration always feels good, that a woman could be, you know, pounded away at for hours, and it feels great that every single time a man has to be hard and ready to go, that he always is. I guess they don’t use protection, they don’t use lube. You know that I’m a huge fan of lube.

 

Ricki Lake  21:55

Oh yeah.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  21:56

I’ve sent you so much lube,I think the first time I came to your house, I was like, here’s some lube and some sex toys. Ricki.

 

22:02

You’ve been very generous with some presents. Thank you.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  22:05

I mean, really, anyone comes to my house, they leave with sex toys. Anyone’s birthday, I’m bringing you a dinner party. I’m bringing you a bottle of lube, and not a bottle of wine. And what I love is that lube, my vision, my dream, is a lube on every night stand. Because for women, no matter what your age, lube enhances every sexual situation. So the Kinsey Institute did a great study, and it showed that anytime you add lube to any sex situation, women are 80% more likely to have an orgasm. And so we don’t see Lubin porn. We don’t see sex toys as much. We see a lot of fantasy stuff that maybe isn’t wouldn’t feel as great to women. There’s a lot of degradation of women. There’s a lot of violence towards women. And I’m not saying that, like BDSM and kinks could be actually really healthy with a consenting partner, but you’ve got to execute it well and talk about it.

 

22:58

And these are young people that are seeing sex for the first time on these platforms, and it can be really damaging to and distorting to what what a healthy sexual act is.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  23:08

That’s exactly it. Ricki, and then they’re like, oh, well, I should be performing more. I should be organisms. There’s a lot of pressure. There’s a lot of pressure.

 

23:15

Yeah, let’s take a super quick break before we get into more sex talk with Dr. Emily Morse.

 

23:32

Earlier, you mentioned that sometimes sex was something you wanted to just get over with when you were younger. I really do identify with that. What advice would you have for our younger selves when we find ourselves in that position?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  23:46

What I my advice is just to actually take time and figure out your own body and what feels good to you. You know, learning to masturbate, I mean, really doing it in a conscious, intentional way helped me figure out what actually felt good to me, what kind of touch I want, what kind of touch I don’t want. And so sex never became a chore again. It became like if I’m going to be with a partner, I am going to tell them what I need and what feels good to me. So by giving myself more pleasure and learning my own body as that’s the advice I would give to everybody, like, figure out what feels good to you so you can have more pleasure, and then share that with a partner.

 

24:29

Great advice. Let me ask you. Do you have any advice for people who are struggling to feel sexy and feel good in their skin? I mean, because I have to say, I feel the best I’ve ever felt. I mean, I’m really healthy and really fit, but I, like I said, my libido is, like, I’m not as sexually active as I was even, like, a year ago. What can I do about it?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  24:51

I think, well, first I love that you’re experimenting with the hormones, because I think that’s going to make a huge difference. Because, really hard when we have this depletion of our sex hormones to want to have sex. Like, that’s just science, that’s our biology. Like, that’s, that’s, that’s a big part of it, but also giving yourself grace and knowing that that’s okay too, like, we don’t have to always be having sex, and finding out ways to still, you know, connect. So here’s the thing. The thing about desire is I get hundreds of questions a day from people, and I hear people in their 30s who are living together or who have young children. I hear people in their 20s who are like, I’ve been together two years. We don’t want to have sex. So this happens at all ages, but especially like right now, I think it’s thinking it might not look like it did before. So there’s two different kinds of desire. There’s responsive and they’re spontaneous. So what we’re what we’re talking about, is this spontaneous desire is when you are just struck by that need to have sex. You are so turned on, you want to grab your partner, and you can’t wait to have sex. And maybe that’s how it’s always been for you, like you see your partner, or they touch you, or they kiss you, and you’re ready to go. But for so many of us, it’s responsive. It’s responsive desire. We meaning we respond to something happening to us or in the environment that’s going to then get our bodies on board for sex. And so that’s when I was saying earlier, thinking about, what are the things that will happen for me. So maybe it’s, you know, getting out the toys, making sure they’re charged, because you want to be, you know, touched by toy will get you there, because that gets the blood flow. You know, for me, I know I love massage. So my partner knows, like, I love like, some nights I’m out in the movies, like, let me just give you a massage for 10 minutes. I love it. Sometimes it’s one way touch. There’s nights where he’s like, I’m just gonna give you a massage, and you a massage, and you can give me one tomorrow. And sometimes it leads to sex. I think a lot of times it does, because once I have hands on my body, I don’t have to think about doing anything, and I can sort of shut off. That’s really helpful for me. Once I get going to a sex like, I’m happy that I did it. So for me, it’s like, I love oral sex again, I love using my toys. Those are the things that are going to get me there and just finding other ways to play like I have this, yes, no, maybe list it’s has like 80 sex acts on it, and it has things like kissing, cuddling, spanking, using sex toys, and you do it with your partner, and you say, you each do it separately, and you go through the list, and you say, is this a yes, a no, or maybe? And then you come together with your yeses, and you’re like, I had no idea that you thought it would be a turn tonight. People love it.

 

27:35

Okay, I mean, I actually, to be honest, I said to Ross before I was talking to you this morning, I’m like, come on, let’s fuck first, let’s fuck first. But he had a business call, so it didn’t happen. But I’m gonna try that, and with men too. Would you say that? Like, for men getting older too, their testosterone level drops, right?

 

Dr. Emily Morse  27:51

Their testosterone level drops. They start seeing more erectile dysfunctions. Their penis isn’t operating the way they they want it to. So for sure, it affects everybody. We’re just getting older, like, things hurt more.

 

28:02

We want our sleep. Like, I’ve got this aura ring, and I you have one too. I mean, I just think my whole journey with, like, my sexuality has evolved. I mean, I was this fat kid, you know, you think, like when I did hairspray, I was 200 pounds. I was a virgin when I did that movie. And even though I come off as so confident in that film, in real life, I was super insecure. And, you know, didn’t have sex until later in life, and then I was in a marriage at very young age, and so I didn’t like my slut phase was in my late 30s, like, that’s when I was on the apps. Yeah, it was, it was really interesting, because I never was promiscuous. I never had casual sex until I was in my late 30s, and then I did make up for some lost time, for sure. But, you know, I think my own self pleasure, like a lot of it, was like notches on my on a belt, you know, like I conquered that hot guy, or I, you know, I don’t know. I just feel like the ebbs and flows of my own sexual experience has changed so much through body image, self image, you know, self esteem, being famous, being all of it like came into play, of like, figuring what it what it is I like, what I’m willing to put up with, what I people pleasing, all of it, you know.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  29:17

Wow, it’s all been, it’s all been twisted in the same journey. Well, I think that’s so interesting too. It’s so thank you for sharing that. Because I think it’s so interesting that you were, like, sort of a late bloomer, as they say, like you really you were working, you were a virgin when you started. And then to say that you had this 30s parents of just figuring out yourself, although even then I get that it’s about maybe, like, more notches in the bedpost and less about your own pleasure. So when did you, you know, I guess, do that, were you able to find where you have more pleasure now, like, and learn your body do all of that.

 

29:48

Definely, and being in love, like being, you know, we didn’t get into it, but like being in love versus casual sex, I mean, there’s something to be said for like, one and done. And I did kind of get off on that, like, you, not having been the woman that got the attention of guys sexually for so long, and then to be that girl and to get to have these experience, I mean, that there was something to be said. But really, when you’re making love, you it’s so different than just, you know, fucking.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  30:16

It’s so true. And I think that’s, you know, I love that we’re talking about this. Because the thing about casual sex is that, I think also why we were talking about this sex recession, or people aren’t having as much sex. I think it’s overhyped. I think it’s an ego play. And yeah, it feels good for a moment, but I think people are really craving connection right now. And and for so many women, they say, and I don’t hear this from men as much, but just maybe women are more open about it, that they feel this compulsory need to be casual and fun, but then they wake up in the morning and they have like, this shame over and they don’t feel great about it, and that’s because a lot of casual sex is we know that that a guy is going to orgasm in 99.9% of the cases, he’s gonna have an orgasm. He could have had that alone, but he had it with a partner. But for for women, this casual sex thing is like, yeah, it’s a fun story, and it’s a thing, but at the end of the day, was it really fulfilling? Did we really have pleasure? So I did that too.

 

31:11

Yeah, and, you know, the sacrifice that we make of letting us be open to a stranger.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  31:16

It’s really doesn’t work for so many of us. That’s, that’s what I love about these conversations. It’s like, it’s okay, you don’t have to do that, you know?

 

31:23

Yeah, I definitely am inspired. You’re just I love you so much, Emily, I really do. You’re such a gift to all of us. Thank you so much. I really anytime I get to spend with you is just such a treat.

 

Dr. Emily Morse  31:37

I love you. Thanks for having me.

 

Ricki Lake  31:41

Emily Morse is one of those people that I can literally talk to for days on end about anything and all things about sex. I picked up so many tips with this conversation today, and I hope you all did too any avenue we go down with sex is a good one. And I’m definitely going to take to heart what she said about the yes, no, maybe list, and I’m going to try it tonight. Thank you, Emily. Dr, Emily Morse’s book is called Smart sex, how to boost your sex, IQ and own your pleasure. And you can take a listen to her podcast. Sex with Emily, wherever you get your podcasts, and we’re going to put a link to the yes, no and maybe list in our show notes. Thank you so much for listening. There is more of The High Life with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like extra rapid fire sex questions with Dr Emily Morse, we’ll find out what her ultimate indulgence is. Subscribe now in Apple podcasts. The High Life is a production of Lemonada Media. Isabella Kulkarni and Kathryn Barnes, producer show our mixes by James Sparber. Executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Additional Lemonada support from Rachel Neel and Steve Nelson. You can find me @Rickilake on Instagram. Follow The High Life with Ricki Lake, wherever you get your podcasts, or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.