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i recorded this episode in new york city, the capital of stink. i was in a pissy mood. i kind of want to mention the hotel i stayed in so that, should you visit new york, you don’t have to subject yourself to those nasty, moldy steamers, but i can’t bring myself to. actually i can, it was called public hotel.

Transcript

SPEAKER

Jennette McCurdy

Jennette McCurdy  00:08

Okay, that was literally my hotel door closing I’m walking in right now and I let me take a deep breath, I just had a bad day. I just had a really bad day in full transparency I actually recorded one of these earlier today I am not going to use that episode I don’t think because what I was doing in that episode was trying to kind of get myself out of my bad mood and talking about the tips and tricks I like to use to get out of my bad fucking mood like it was a list and it was really so that I could try to drag myself out of it but I didn’t and so sharing that would not feel right because the truth is I fucking didn’t I didn’t get out of the bad mood I’ve been in it all day I’m I’m just gonna like vent a little bit about the bad day and see how that feels. But I wanted to give you a little warning in case you’re not feeling like hearing somebody vent and by the way, my friend I don’t blame you Okay, so I just dropped off my bag here I got some food at the door and taking off my sweatshirt it was it is the rough like one of the you know one of those days where it’s just it starts out on a bad fucking foot and it never gets on the right one that is what today was. So I woke up and I fell in the middle of my sleep I like woke up in the middle the night to pee there was a suitcase that was on the at the edge of the bed so I took this big step and I fell so fucking hard. Oh my god it hurts so bad it was one of those falls it’s so hard it feels like you almost get the wind knocked out of you you know like I was like oh when I got back up then as I was trying to sleep throughout the night I like couldn’t I struggled to get back to sleep because every time I would turn I’m I can’t sleep on my back so I sleep on my side or my stomach but if I would twist on my right side because it was on my right buttock I would get very What a weird word but of all the words that may be the weirdest I would turn on my right buttock and and get really sore. So then I couldn’t it was just like an uncomfortable night’s sleep. I have a UTI and I hadn’t took a bunch of medicine for it yesterday, but I woke up and it’s not better and still uncomfortable. And just it was just like one thing after another. There was a siren that wouldn’t stop blaring like literally hours and hours just Beep beep beep i try to like Steam these shirts. I have like two outfits and I’m steaming them to decide which one I’m going to wear for this event. Tomorrow. I’m in New York that’s another thing I fucking don’t like New York I’ve tried I used to love New York before I don’t know what happened. I don’t know but me and New York do not get along anymore we don’t mix well we don’t play well together. I get here and the second I get here my nervous system is fucking just hijacked. I just You can’t walk down the street without stepping in something you wish you didn’t smelling something you wish you hadn’t and seeing something that will scar you forever. That is New York that is my relationship with New York. And I got him last night and I went for a walk. fucking awful idea. What am I supposed to do? It’s been a six hour flight my legs were cramped. See? Okay, this is like this is where I’m at right now this is this is the reason it’s so funny that when you’re having a bad day when you’re in a bad mood like that’s your personal I should speak for myself here it’s my podcast I’ll speak for myself it’s like all I can think of I cannot I am the bad mood I become the bad mood all I’ve ever been is a bad mood all I can see is a bad like it’s just it’s it’s it’s chronic and I don’t like that it’s this way but it’s also a place where I can find some humor so I it can be like a good place for me to write from but anyway, I’m just gonna say enough about me but the whole podcast is about me. Oh my god. Oh boy. Okay, so that you know I was in gone into town not just don’t I struggle with the city and fell on my ass have a UTI. I go to steam these shirts and the steamer has fucking mold in it. It’s just like riddled with mold. I anybody I think doesn’t like mold. Nobody likes mold. If you do I’m concerned for you, but I really hate mold. I grew up with so much of it around in my every words come Are your mouths so weird? You’re like, who was that? That was how I just felt about how I said the word around around. It’s not like an ethereal, like, AI or something. So I grew up in a household where there was so much mold crawling up the walls, it felt disgusting. It felt dirty and gross. And then I see the steamer with mold in it. And so I call down. I’m like, Hey, can you can you send up a new steamer? This one’s got mold in it. And the guy’s like, Oh, that’s not mold. I’m like, Oh, what is it? He goes, I don’t know. But I asked once and it’s definitely not mold. That housekeeping person reassured me and I’m like, Oh, well, okay, if the housekeeping person reassured you once that it’s not mold, and you can’t tell me what it is. Cool. I’ll trust you. Like, what? What kind of response is that? So I go, Okay, can you can you read me bring me up one just in case if you have any that like don’t have any of this, you know, questionable gray substance in it. Then he goes, Yeah, sure. I’ll have something brought up. He brings up another one. It’s covered in mold. And I’m like, Okay, I’ll have to see my clothes. I’m running out of time. I can’t drop the clothes off at a place they won’t be they won’t be finished in time. See, here’s it now I’m distracted because the fucking sirens in the background. I hate New York. Do you hear my voice cracked like an 11 year old boy just starting puberty? If I want to make sure it’s to say I hate New York has anybody I’m sure somebody’s done that God thing .

 

Jennette McCurdy  06:23

I had to see some people that I didn’t really want to see I don’t know it’s just like one of those days where just it never got better. But anyway, so I recorded this podcast for you guys. And when I was recording it I was really trying to I was trying to see the positive and see the good and express gratitude and look no scratch gratitude you know and just think of all the things I’m grateful for and apartment was like you know what I think sometimes that like forced look on the bright side baby like sometimes that forced optimism can feel on truthful? Is that what people mean when they say toxic positivity? I have to look that up more but it was not feeling like sometimes I think the the actual emotional experience needs to be honored in order to move on from it you know, there’s a saying in therapy words like what doesn’t or what resists. What you resist persists, I think and I really really I mean, I’ve seen that firsthand in my own life where I just have to get to a point where I’m like, I can’t ignore I can’t pretend to be feeling something that I’m not feeling on if you if you are able to do that God fucking bless that’s that’s a skill that is a talent and I wish you all the best my friend but for me I don’t know I can’t fake my way through a feeling. I’m fucking pissed at this sound. It’s so annoying Jesus. Okay, where was I? Oh, I was gonna say I can’t force my way through motion. I have to actually feel the thing that I’m feeling in order to kind of process it properly. That’s just what it is like for me? I don’t know. So I think earlier, my attempt at like, not my attempt at finding the thinking of the positives or finding a place for gratitude was was making it so the emotion the bad mood was kind of kicking me in the ass harder because it’s gone like Hello, I’m here. See me see me see me. You know my emotions just like pound on me. They just pound on me and I go What? What are you fucking what? Like, sometimes I’m so sick of feeling things so intensely. Do any of you feel this way? Please tell me you feel this way. Sometimes I just feel exhausted. Like, I just go just enough. Like, I’m sorry. I I would some days like days like today I would give anything to just feel less like I just give me fucking 50%, give me 30% of what I feel just 30%, you know what I’ll even take. I recognize that there’s some bad that comes with that I’d feel joy 30% less excitement 30% Less giddiness, I’d feel the fun ones 30% less. And days like today, I’m fine with that. If it means that I’d feel the bad the frustration, the annoying the bad mood, whatever. If it means that I feel that 30% less sometimes. I want I’m ready to make that deal. When I’m in a bad mood. I’m sure as hell ready to make that deal. God dang it. But I also wanted to touch on on this little piece because I think it’s really easy. I was doing this earlier and the one I recorded earlier was talking about kind of, you know, the privilege that I have and what a fulfilling and beautiful life and meaningful life and how you know that same thing where it’s like, there’s, I think this sense of in the constant need to acknowledge privilege. There’s something that is is like dishonouring and discrediting of your own experience. I think God I feel like I don’t even know if that’s like a controversial statement to say, Me not acknowledging my privileges and in if meet rather me earlier or acknowledging my privilege, to me felt like it was not just letting the emotion be, like emotion should not have to be disclaimed with your position or your place in the world constantly. In order to just honor that emotion for yourself. I don’t think, again, I’ll speak for myself. I don’t want to disclaim every emotion I feel or give a caveat for every emotion I feel to myself because it’s not fucking making. It’s not working. It doesn’t help me to process an emotion when I’m going well, but I’m so privileged well, but it’s like, okay, everybody has a right to have a bad feeling. It is. Oh, fucking K. Anyone, whoever you are, whatever, if you’re listening right now and you’re like, God, well, I don’t deserve to have Yeah, you do feel it? Because feeling it is gonna help you move on from it. I’m already feeling better saying this out loud. I literally could fucking cry. I’m already feeling better. Like the power just saying how you feel is unmatched. It’s so it just shifts something it does something. It’s like the emotion can finally it has that permission to move through you.

 

Jennette McCurdy  14:13

You know, my emotions stay trapped in my body, if I’m denying them or discrediting them, undermining them, suppressing them, whatever any of that it just does not work for me. Again, if it’s if it’s working for you, God bless but it that will never be me that will never be who I am. That will never be how I am. That will never be a possibility for me. So, I’m recording this with the intention of, I guess just expressing how helpful I think it can be to express to feel fully whatever the emotion is that you’re experiencing, even if it’s an uncomfortable one. I’m trying to think what would it even because I just had bad mood, like I didn’t even label it. It’s just like this irritation. It’s this frustration. It just feels like it just feels bad, you know, frustration, I’m I want to say I think that feels like maybe the best, the best fit for how I’m feeling today then it just never got better. And you know, I think it’s okay. I don’t like having that I hate having bad days, I really, you know, I want every day to be meaningful and lovely and enriching and fulfilling. And I am joyful. You know, that’s what I want everyday to be. And I don’t even have like, again, see, there’s my instinct to disclaim. I was gonna say, I don’t have a justifiable reason why today wasn’t a good day, like, yeah, I’ve got some of the, I’ve got the UTI and the falling and the mold and these little like details. But really, there’s a world in which those things don’t bother me nearly as much as they bother me that as they bothered me today, there’s a world in which kind of all that stuff is kind of moving through and, you know, maybe have more of a sense of humor about or even just, I’m not as bothered by. And today was not one of those days, and I just want to accept this accept that it was not a good day. Because I think part of why it never got to the other side was because I was trying to force myself to get to the other side of it. I think if I just accepted it sooner, not embraced it. Like that’s fucking reaching. But if I just accepted it sooner, I really believe I could have gotten to the other side of it sooner. And I wish I had here I am, you know, it’s been nice. It’s 12:20. And I wish I had just kind of sat with myself a little bit earlier and just said, Hey, I see, I see that you’re having a bad day. I see that you’re irritated. I see that you’re frustrated. And I see you also the part of me that wants to push that away and wants to just have a good day and wants to just be happy all the time and just wants to be fulfilled and just wants to be positive and just want ICU to you know all these different parts. Okay, I’m going to take some cranberry gummies some A’s Oh, cranberry gummies Do you guys know how they say like take two cranberry gummies are like two when you have like the health gummies and it says Take two. Does anybody else take like nine? Okay, bye.

 

Jennette McCurdy  17:32

There’s more hard feelings with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content, and you can subscribe now in Apple podcasts. I’m Jennette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer and host of HardFeelings. It’s produced by Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy Rage productions. Our production team is Kegan Zema, Aria Bracci and Brian Castillo. Music is by Hannah’s Brown. Steve Nelson is Lemonada’s Vice President of weekly content. Rachel Neil is Lemonada Senior Director of new content. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and me. Listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.