
Batman, Nicole Kidman, Weigh A Pie
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Sarah vents about people pleasers. Plus, she rallies behind therapists on strike for better wages and benefits, learns about aphantasia, and sings the wrong song lyrics.
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Transcript
SPEAKERS
Sender 5, Sarah Silverman, Batman, Amy, Jason, Mallory, Mia, Dora, Anna, Eric
Sarah Silverman 00:14
Hey everybody, it’s your best friend, Sarah Silverman coming to you from The Invisible Studios in WeHo, and I, you know, I jotted this down to say something about it. But I don’t know if I have a like, a full, complete thought, really, but I just, how do I get people to stop taking up so much space, exhaustingly, apologizing for their very existence and qualifying what they’re about to say. It takes like, three minutes of like, I mean, who am I? But, I mean, don’t listen to me, but I’m a piece of shit. But here’s, I have an opinion, but I don’t want to say it because, I mean, you know better, I don’t know. I you know, it’s like, fucking exhausting, like, reassure someone to have to, like, ad nauseam doula, someone into what they are looking to say to you, just fucking say it. You’re a human being with worth, and you’re taking up more of my time on this earth, apologizing for your very existence, and it’s exhausting. Here’s an adjacent thought to that, a step brother to this thought, if you will. How do we stop people from thinking that saying what they don’t want is what they want out of some bizarre notion of politeness? I’m trying to think of an example. It’s like, should we drive there, or should we walk? I mean, my knees been bothering me. Oh, then I say, let’s oh, let’s drive. No, I can walk. You know what? Let’s walk. I want to walk. It’s fucking exhausting. Your knees bothering you. Let’s drive. I couldn’t care less. I like walking with people that enjoy, walking that whose knees doesn’t hurt. Otherwise, I want to drive too please do yourself and everyone around you a favor and just say what you mean. And if someone asks your opinion or what you like or what you want, answer them truthfully. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to apologize for having different needs or having different desires. The reason why I’m asking is because I want to know what you want. It’s exhausting.
Amy 02:34
Did this come up recently for you, Sarah?
Sarah Silverman 02:36
it comes up. Yeah, it comes up with people in my life that I love so much, and I try to say this without being insulting, and it’s but they don’t. They can’t stop, I just think it’s this thing where, like, all I want is for you to say what you feel and not what you’re projecting onto me what what you think I want you to say or feel or want. It’s this perceived politeness. You think you’re being polite and you’re being exhausting. Just be a human being that knows your worth. And when I ask you a question, you can just answer it. Please, don’t guess what I want to do. And then I this sounds like a very obnoxious thing to be annoyed by, but it’s actually an annoying because it isn’t politeness. It’s not, it’s a totally mistaken selflessness, because it’s, it’s takes up space. I don’t know if I’m communicating this well, but anyway, I was trying to think of a way to say this, and that’s how what I came up with, and.
Amy 03:53
I have a counter argument.
Sarah Silverman 03:55
Oh, excellent.
Amy 03:56
I guess, like, I come from a family of very strong willed direct communicators, refreshing and no, I actually get a lot, a lot of people hate this quality in me, and I get a lot of feedback that it’s like, not polite or not like, it’s not inclusive of like, what other people are experiencing. And I guess an example is like, I have an aunt who, if she has a problem, she’s gonna very loudly be like, I can’t walk, so we’re driving. And I think then she kind of makes a decision for the group, especially for people in the group that maybe don’t have the same quality of direct communication. I think for them, it feels like she’s bulldozing them, or she’s making a decision for the entire group. So I think that’s, that’s the counter argument is like, how do you communicate directly? And I think there is also something gendered about it. You know, 100% if you’re a woman who’s communicating directly your needs, it’s perceived as, like.
Sarah Silverman 04:58
You’re pushy cunt.
Amy 05:00
Yeah, or bossy.
Sarah Silverman 05:01
No. It’s complete double standard. But the only way we go back, you know, we push through that is by being assertive, when we can be assertive. But, I mean, the solve for that is, like, I have a bad knee, I need to drive, if anyone wants to drive with me, and I’ll meet the people that are walking there, you know, just like, you don’t have to make decisions for everyone and, you know, but you can certainly take care of yourself and not become some martyr where then your knee hurts the rest of the weekend and you’re a fucking drag because you were like, well, I I shouldn’t have walked when we all walked to blah, it’s like, then don’t do that. Your job is to take care of this body that we’re in and brain and feelings and shit, right? I don’t know. Anyway, let’s take some calls.
Jason 06:12
Hi, Sarah. This is your friend, Jason from Southern California. I’m a licensed clinical social worker, and I work for Southern California Kaiser and as a therapist, I greatly appreciate your podcast. You clearly really do a good job, and the information you reflect back or you’re pretty incredible that way. And I enjoy listening to your podcast. And you know, people talking openly about what they’re going through. Presently, I met on strike, and I’ve been on strike going on my fifth week now, trying to get a fair contract with with Kaiser. Everybody else goes to the bargaining table and they get a contract that’s doable. They don’t really have to strike for for four weeks. For some reason, the 2500 therapists in Southern California, we have to strike and fight. Everybody else has a pension. For some reason, we don’t. It was taken from us 10 years ago. We don’t, you know, we don’t have the same co pays that other unions have. We don’t. There’s all kinds of things that it’s unfair. We just want what everybody else has. We’re having to fight so hard, any any help, any words of encouragement. There’s days that, you know, I feel kind of lost in the woods. And even as a therapist, I I have a hard time finding my way through it.
Sarah Silverman 07:41
Well, I’m sorry, all I can really offer is encouragement. You’re fighting the good fight, and what you do is crucial now more than ever, and you absolutely must be compensated like any other vital healthcare professional Jesus Christ, I know this is this Kaiser strikes been going on for a while. As somebody who was in the Writers Guild and sag strikes that went on for a really long time as well, physically showing up and picketing, I think helps. It helps get the message out, of course, yeah, sure. But in terms of your mental health, I think it really helps, because one the solidarity, right, you know, seeing that you are not alone, you are among many, many, many, and your cause is righteous and it feels good. It feels like solidarity and two, and I’m not kidding the exercise. I mean, wow, I would look at my steps after picketing, and it’s like, whoa. There is nothing that gives you more of a boost than walking like 12,000 steps a day, and you don’t even feel it really, because you’re chatting, you’re shouting, you’re preoccupied, also happy for you that it’s the winter months, because you can bundle up in layers, and the walking warms your body up. We picketed all through a summer of like 100 degrees, and those motherfuckers at the universal lot that trimmed all the shade trees to make it harder for the picketers with dicks. What a dick move. This will not be forever. I hope you can afford this time that you’re not working, they certainly try to starve you out. That’s a thing, and it’s disgusting. Also, can you, I don’t know the ethics of this, although the ethics of Kaiser is obviously questionable. Can you do some down low cash or Venmo? Um, sessions I feel badly suggesting, because I’m not sure what the ethical of is, but you know, like they’re not wildly bound by ethics either, are they? Okay, what else?
Mallory 10:13
Hi, Sarah. It’s your best friend, Mallory. But sometimes when I’m typing my name, I miss type and it looks like Mort because the T is by the Y. Anyway, my question is, have you ever heard of a Fantasia? Apparently, people can see images in their mind. And I never knew that was a thing. I can’t see anything when I close my eyes, it’s just black or blank. I was wondering if you ever heard of it, and if you think that would affect, like creativity, or just what you think about that in general. Thank you.
Sarah Silverman 11:00
I’m confused because I think I can picture things in my mind completely.
Amy 11:08
Yeah, she’s, she said it just, it’s just black for her. And I think a lot of people can’t.
Sarah Silverman 11:13
Yeah oh, I can’t imagine that. I can only imagine that, wow, you can’t see pictures in your mind. What do you see in words? Or it’s just black? I feel like in when I’m thinking, it’s only pictures, like I’m just seeing the idea or the I don’t know, but then again, I don’t have, particularly like a visual mind. Like my mom would always if I said something gross or like toilet humory or whatever, she would go, oh, Sarah, stop. I have a very visual mind. So I just assumed I didn’t have a visual mind, but in terms of actually being able to visualize things I definitely can like right now I’m seeing Nicole Kidman. I don’t know why. I just conjured her up. There she is.
Amy 12:10
Well, I wonder if it’s like that thing that Brad Pitt has where you can’t see people’s faces when you see them.
Sarah Silverman 12:17
Oh, yeah, maybe that. Do you think that’s what he has.
Amy 12:21
Well, I think all of it comes from the same part of the brain that like enables you to visualize or recall what something looks like.
Sarah Silverman 12:29
Yeah, you have an extremely visual mind.
Amy 12:33
I have, like, a quasi photographic memory. But it’s weird, because if my eyes are open, I can see Nicole Kidman, but if no, I guess I can see her when I close them too. I don’t know. I was like, do I have that? Because I don’t, I can’t.
Sarah Silverman 12:46
You think, I’ll tell you what you have. You have that thing where you think you have every single sickness that you hear about.
Amy 12:53
Right, well, that’s just hypochondria. That’s that’s health anxiety, which is quite common. And by the way, there’s Sarah has a part of her act that discusses what your phone feeds you and adds.
Sarah Silverman 13:09
Oh, yeah.
Amy 13:10
And, I mean, I could probably credit half of it to that for me.
Sarah Silverman 13:15
Right, so then you hear about something, and then you’re talking about it, and then you are and then it’s coming into your phone.
Amy 13:22
Yeah, and then I have it, and then I’m at the doctor getting an MRI on my brain or something. Because I’m like.
Sarah Silverman 13:27
I do I have this, yeah? And you’re like, you have, like, erectile dysfunction medication.
Dora 13:39
Hey Sarah, this is Dora calling from California. I heard you say this morning that it’s been a lifelong dream for you to be on Sesame Street. The same for me. In fact, that is the reason my parents bought a TV so that I could watch Sesame Street. So my question to you is, if you did get to be on Sesame Street, which Muppet would you most like to interact with? For me, it would be Kermit. I wanted Kermit the Frog. In fact, I once told my mom that he was my future husband, and her response was very seriously, but I thought you were in lesbian, thanks, Sarah.
Sarah Silverman 14:28
Great question. I had the honor of meeting Kermit a couple of times. For some reason, I was on two different talk show appearances where the other guest was Kermit, and I was, I just love him so much. I love him so much. He’s so beautiful, also Grover, also Oscar and also Big Bird. But, um, yeah, I’d say Kermit or Grover would be, I don’t know. Yeah, there’s so many beautiful it’s just such a brilliant, beautiful show. And I like Mr. Rogers, I grew up with it as a kid, but then as a teenager, I would watch them back to back Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, when I was like, getting ready for school, and I found, and I re fell in love with those shows as a teenager. You know, I was not seeing it as a kid, and I wasn’t quite seeing it as an adult, but it blew my mind in a, in a way at that age, in a, in a new way that I saw it kind of like, here’s a very dark comparison. But like when a child has a traumatic thing like a say, You’re a five year old and your mother dies, you grieve and deal with that as a five year old, it’s very limited. You might, you know, just kind of not really know how to deal with it. And then you re deal with it at all different stages of growth you go through that grief and that trauma kind of again, because it didn’t happen as an adult, where you process it all as an adult, like art, kind of, you’re seeing it and experiencing it at different stages of growth, and now you’re experiencing it with what you know now and what you have experienced, and the world is around you, and it’s it changes. And Sesame Street was kind of like that for me. I guess that that’s art, you know, but I saw it in a whole new way. And I was, as a teenager, very moved by it, and I still am by both of those shows. I just think it’s really great. And there’s lots of great new shows. A lot of my friends that are parents say bluey is like the most beautiful show now, but I gotta check that out. And I was on Yo Gabba Gabba, that I was very happy to be on Yo Gabba Gabba, which was really great show too. I think they’re rebooting it. But yeah, those are the those were just so special to me. Oh my gosh. All right, what else?
Batman 17:06
Hi, Sarah. This is Batman calling from the Bat Cave. Um, I have a question. Do you think great comedians are born to be comedians, or do you think it’s a skill that anyone can acquire and work on and improve on, like, for instance, I do, I paint. I’m an acrylic painter, and I truly believe that everyone can paint, that they are skills that you can learn, and you can be a great painter. So I was just wondering if you think that could also apply to comedy. Are people just born great comedians or no? Can any Joe Blow like learn the skills and become great? Let me know what you think.
Sarah Silverman 18:00
Hi, Batman, I think it’s a combination. I, you know, like, I don’t know. I’d probably say it’s like 40% like innate, natural talent, and 60% working and working and getting your as Malcolm Gladwell says, 10,000 hours in, and then 100% skills learned from surviving childhood for comedians, at least, you know, but I would say many people in many fields, but like, I think every comic learned to be funny as a means of survival in childhood. But I think it’s kind of all of that combined. I’ve definitely there is a an oddly high percentage of comics that were lawyers. That’s like a whole genre of comic or lawyers that said, went to law school, did everything, became a lawyer, and then said, Fuck this. I’m doing stand up. There’s some odd connection there. And I’ve seen comics start out and be like, meh, and then something clicks in them, and they’re brilliant. And of course, that’s to his own description, Howard Stern’s story, but I think there was always something in there, and certainly that survival skill of childhood, I would guess, you know, because he had a tough you know, it was like, beat up all the time as a kid. Yeah, is that an answer? What else?
Sender 5 19:32
Hey, Sarah, my 12 year old still wets the bed. We have tried everything that we’ve heard of to help her, but her body just does not wake up for those nighttime bathroom breaks. Thoughts, thanks for everything we all love you.
Sarah Silverman 19:58
Congratulations, your 12 year old has a skill most 12 year olds don’t have. They can do laundry. I learned how to do laundry at a very young age, but listen, the bed wetting will not be forever. It just won’t nothing worked for me either, just time happened, and by the time I was maybe 15 or 16, I no longer wet the bed. I went a long time. I probably will have you beat, but I promise you won’t go longer than me in but wetting the bed, if nothing works, ultimately, growing will do the trick. Growing will do the trick. I was a late bloomer, I you know, so with bed wetting, with physically growing, I didn’t get boobs until I was like, 16 or 17. I didn’t get my period until I was almost 18. So listen, kids, this is what is right now, and all I can promise is that it will simply not be the case at some point down the road, when you’re still a kid or a teenager, and then for the rest of your life, you will not be a bed wetter, and you will it will be a funny anecdote at parties, in a way that you bond with probably some pretty creative people. It’s funny because childhood is such a teeny, tiny part of your whole life, ultimately, but it feels like just the longest years, and even remembering it, remembering it. It feels like a blip. But it even remembering it, it felt, I remember it feeling like, you know, a summer felt like three years. It really does, you know, Rory told me this analogy of like a marble at the top of a funnel. You know, it takes so long to get around that’s like childhood, and then as you get older, it goes lower and lower until it’s like, right down the hole. Can’t wait, but, um, yeah, as you get older, time goes so fast. And there’s science to that, I guess, something to do with the space time continuum or something, maybe. But listen, with your bed wedding, you can keep it a secret. You cannot keep it a secret. You could tell everybody. You could just tell your friends it’s not your fault that you’re a bed wetter, and your good friends know that adversity is great. It’s a great way to weed out the Riff Raff. Friendship wise, even if you tell your best friends and don’t tell your outer circle friends, that’s what I did. And you know, maybe don’t make your kid go to sleep away camp unless they want to. That was torture for me. It felt like abandonment. It really did, but and also gave me skills that I probably didn’t have to learn that way, but did, and, you know, a bravery I would have liked to have developed in a healthier way. But, you know, because of it, stand up was not scary at all for me, because nothing was was worse than the humiliation of, you know, peeing in a cot in a room of cots with other girls every single night, and then waking up and just cold and wet and pretending that I wasn’t cold and wet and just making my cot with everybody else you know, pulling the sheets and blankets over drenched cot. I’ve never said caught so much so I had a nice, cold, wet, smelly caught waiting for me after another long day of activities every night. But that’s all in the past and doesn’t affect my life now. Just kidding. I’m sure I got lots of triggers and things that come from that, but I think I’ve worked through some of them. I don’t know. Oh my god, this went a terrible direction. It’s all gonna be fine. Look at me. I’m happy and constantly working on recovering from my childhood.
Mia 24:35
Hey, Sarah, it’s your best friend, Mia from Portland. I am calling for some advice, and I’m hoping you can help. My grandfather is 82 years old, and he lives by himself. He has for two years since my grandmother passed away, and he needs some help now. So my husband and I have been thinking about moving in with him, and. And the problem is, the house needs a ton of repairs, since it was built in 1970 and we would spend a small fortune making it appropriate for the three of us. It’s on us, such a beautiful piece of land, right on the river, so it would be so nice to be able to make that work, but the expense just seems crazy, and the other option is to move out of our townhouse and buy something that is more appropriate for him to move in with us. But I feel like it might cost just as much to do that as it would to repair his home, and we wouldn’t be able to find a property nearly as nice as the one he has. So I guess. What would you do? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Hope that all makes sense. Love you so much.
Sarah Silverman 26:04
You know the thing about updating his house, make a budget of what it would reasonably cost and round up to do the stuff that you would need to do to live in and thrive and be well in his house, crunch the numbers there and round up because it will be more, and then crunch the numbers in the other scenario you presented of like getting a new selling your townhouse and getting a place that is big enough to include him and just compare the prices. And you might not just want to go with the one that’s lower. You want to think of in the long term, like the repairs you make to his house will make the value of the house go up. I have no idea what kind of condition the house was is in, but usually when you do fixes to a house. It helps the resale value. So at least there’s that, or if he moves in with you, I’m assuming he would sell that house, and that money should go into your new house. But maybe there’s that house is left for, you know, five family members to split the proceeds of or, I don’t know what the what your grandfather’s deal is, but if he sells his house, and that money can go towards along with your money, a place where you can all comfortably live and thrive, that’s also a thing to think about, but you just gotta compare. You gotta really think it through crunch the numbers. Think about the quality of life. Think about resale values and stuff, and if you can buy, I don’t know if you’re talking about buying or renting. If you can buy, that’s potentially parking your money in a place where it will grow, because the you know, over time, you’ll be able to sell it for more, hopefully, or at least the same amount, and now you’ve lived in it and had your life in it, you know, consider the budget, consider your happiness and well being, and just really compare, thoroughly and the decision will be much easier at that point. That’s my two cents. All right, what else? Good luck.
Eric 28:31
Hi Sarah. This is Eric here from Harvard Square. I’ve just finished listening to your November 14 episode where I disappointed you because I referred to Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island as Annie, and I’m so sorry for that mistake. I’m I’m a little bit embarrassed, and I’m sorry to have disappointed you. It does bring up a question, though, about getting lyrics to songs wrong, and I’ve always gotten lyrics to songs wrong, and as the production quality has gotten better, and they’ve taken out a lot of the static, sometimes I now hear songs and understand the lyrics in ways that I never did before, and I’m wondering if you have that issue or not. My guess is maybe you don’t, because I disappointed you in thinking that Mary Ann was actually Annie again. 1000 apologies. Let me know if you ever get lyrics of songs wrong and any funny ones that you’ve got?
Sarah Silverman 29:45
Eric, I’m sorry I shamed you, I that was not nice. I just find it very bewildering. I’m just gonna do it all over again, but I just because he goes the professor Rand, Mary Ann, I just don’t know how you can even mishear that is. Annie, I’m trying to like the professor and Danny, Annie and professor and Anne. Oh, I guess Mary Ann Anne is the second part. You just misremembered it be nice Sarah, yeah, I remember when I was little, I used to think it was somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. And I remember thinking, what does it matter what a pie weighs? But um, it’s way up high. That to me, that is especially for a child, makes complete sense. It sounds like it way up high. It sounds like I just said it four times, but it was, I was saying the two different.
Amy 30:49
We’re dead in here with that.
Sarah Silverman 30:51
Why?
Amy 30:52
Way a pie is the funniest thing. I know […]
Sarah Silverman 30:57
Way a pie, it still sounds like it.
Amy 31:02
It’s like, putting, like, a pumpkin pie on a scale.
Sarah Silverman 31:05
Yeah, I mean, it’s not like way up high makes sense either. It’s like, yeah, right. It’s yeah, sure a rainbow is high. I guess relatively, it’s not really what you think of anyway. I’m sorry to shame you. I did. I just thought it was funny. I made a little I made a little comedy out of it for my listeners. All right bye, Eric. What else?
Anna 31:32
Hi, Sarah. My name is Anna. I’m from Australia. I’m having a really hard time with moving on from feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, deep, deep heartbreak and sadness for how I’ve been treated. This was someone that I was on and off with for years and had never committed to me, had always promised, and had always, yeah, promised to make changes, and really kept me hoping that at the end of it, we would be together. You know, in the end, he never committed to me, and not long after that, he ended up in a relationship with someone else.
Sarah Silverman 32:20
Let me guess they had a baby.
Anna 32:22
That didn’t work out. He reached out to me actually after that, and I rejected meeting with him after I had found out that he had committed to someone else. I didn’t want to see him after he’d hurt me so much, he has now ended up in another relationship. It seems like it’s long term, and I just can’t get past the feelings that I’m having for all the years that were wasted for how he could string me along. I’m just so hurt and betrayed, and I don’t know what to do.
Sarah Silverman 33:02
Well, I’ll start by telling you that these feelings that you’re having are not hurting him, they’re hurting you. And I know that just saying that is very easy and it’s not going to make you just go click, like, oh, right. Why would I hurt myself further? But I will tell you that you learned a massive lesson from this experience, and you would not have been ready for what is next without it. Now you know what you don’t want, and that’s a gift. So maybe you can find a way, an actually, completely acceptable way to be grateful to him. Don’t send him a thank you note, but in your heart, because he gave you a big gift, and you’ve got a lot of a lot more life to live. I wasted many years with a few fellows that I wish I had left earlier or, you know, but they all proved to be gifts, because that relationship didn’t end without you learning really big lessons about what you want and what you don’t want. So instead of being in that state of the hurt person, I am giving you permission to celebrate that he’s somebody else’s problem, and you have got blue sky ahead, and you can make much more informed choices now, a lot of times you make a choice, you see exactly what you’re looking for in somebody, and then six months a year, two years later, it’s like they take a mask off, and they’re exactly the same pattern you’ve been in. You know they’ve well, then you’ll see it and you’ll get out. But I am hoping to reframe this for you as the gift that it is, that he is someone else’s problem, and you have nothing but possibility in front of you, and you are the captain of your own ship, you know, to try to see it as the gift it is, and try to be grateful in your mind, to him. That might be too much to ask right now, but at the very least, release yourself from this frustration that this was all for nothing. It wasn’t got you to where you are today, got you to right now.
Sarah Silverman 35:44
And with that, Dad, we are winding down. Oh, I miss you. This is the part of the podcast when I say, send me your questions or comments or ideas or thoughts or complaints. Go to speakpipe.com/theSarahSilvermanpodcast. That’s speakpipe.com/the SarahSilvermanpodcast. And subscribe, rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts, because that helps us stay on the air and thrive and be here and there’s more of the Sarah Silverman podcast with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus questions like, what about ultrasounds? Huh? Subscribe now in Apple podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Sarah Silverman podcast, we are a production of Lemonada media. Kathryn Barnes and Isabella Kulkarni produce our show. Our mix is by James Sparber. The show is recorded at the Invisible Studios in West Hollywood. Charles Carroll is our recording engineer. Additional Lemonada support from Steve Nelson, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Our theme was composed by Ben Folds. You can find me at @SarahKateSilverman on Instagram. Follow the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcasts, or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.