Chapter 6: Smited ⛈️???⛈️

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Noa must decide whether to come clean about her crush on Seb — despite being convinced that Little God is punishing them, bible-style. Is Noa smitten enough to make a move… while being smited?

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Speaker 10  01:34

Hey, it’s Dani, leave a message and then smash the patriarchy.

Speaker 2  04:28

Dani, please pick up, I know you have your phone on at lunch please. We need to talk.

Speaker 10  04:52

Hey, it’s Dani. Hey, it’s Dani, leave a message and then smash the patriarchy.

Speaker 2  05:08

Dani, you’re obviously avoiding me but I’m trying to do what you told me and say what I’m thinking so I guess I’ll just say it now. You’re right I have a problem I hold everything in. I guess I have the stupid idea that if I keep my stupid mouth shut, all my stupid feelings will go away and. There’s a stupid leak in my stupid ceiling. I’m gonna go get a stupid bucket so it doesn’t ruin my stupid […]. Sorry, not your problem. Anyway, I’m just trying to say sorry. I’m so sorry Dani everything I said the other day. I didn’t mean it. You know that right? It was all just stupid stuff that came spewing out my stupid mouth. Why can’t I stop saying stupid? Okay, I’m gonna go. Just call me, okay?

Speaker 2  07:05

Whenever it rains hard my bedroom leaks. So why do we only have one bucket? Because my dad says pots do the job just as well. I hope he wasn’t planning on spaghetti tonight. Hello?

Speaker 4  07:40

Where have you been?

Speaker 2  07:41

Oh, hey Seb. I’m home.

Speaker 4  07:44

Obviously, I called your landline.

Speaker 2  07:48

Yeah, I’ve been sick.

Speaker 4 07:52

All week? Well, you missed some craziness today. We were in lockdown. Like not a drill. Real lockdown.

Speaker 2  08:00

Seb are you okay? What happened?

Speaker 4  08:02

Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine. The saying it was a false alarm. It was scary though. The cops were here with bomb sniffing dogs. But I heard someone brought a gun to school or maybe they’re just bragging like they brought a gun to school. Or maybe it was a knife. I talked to a couple of kids who say they heard it was actually a chainsaw. But I’m like, if you’re gonna make something up, try harder. Right?

Speaker 2  08:25

Do they think it could be the killer? Like the killer? The one that killed God’s mom?

Speaker 4  08:30

I don’t think so. But what if it is? And I was feeling okay, and now you got me freaked out again. No, it must not be anything real. They let us out early which is why I called. What are you doing right now?

Speaker 2  08:46

Right now just lying on my bed. Watching leaks drip from my ceiling. That’s why I’m lying-in bed.

Speaker 4  09:00

I’m coming over. You’re gonna let me in? I’m soaked.

Speaker 2  09:36

You can hang your jacket on that hook.

Speaker 4  09:40

You have something I can like. Dry off on?

Speaker 2  09:43

You mean a towel? Yeah, up in the closet by the bathroom.

Speaker 4  09:51

You’re looking at me funny. I don’t know. Just funny.

Speaker 2  10:01

His hair. Oh my god his hair.

Speaker 2  10:18

Your hair’s messy.

Speaker 4  10:19

Yeah, I just ran here through the rain.

Speaker 2  10:23

I mean, it’s good. It’s good messy.

Speaker 4  10:31

What is up with you?

Speaker 2  10:33

What do you mean?

Speaker 4  10:34

You don’t seem like yourself? Why have you been home?

Speaker 2  10:38

I don’t know.

Speaker 4  10:39

Come on. Last time I saw you. You said you had some big important thing to tell me. Then you disappeared for days? What’s going on? What is it?

Speaker 2  10:51


Speaker 4  10:52

What do you mean everything?

Speaker 2  10:54

I mean, my nemesis posted a picture of my bra and underwear for the whole school to see I scream some awful stuff. And one of my only friends and now she’s not talking to me. Also, God told me he was gonna smite me. It’s like a layer cake of terrible things.

Speaker 4  11:11

First of all, nobody’s talking about that post anymore. Second of all, I’m sure Dani will forgive you. And third of all, smite you?

Speaker 2  11:21

Yeah. He says it’s how God punishes people. I may have said that his mom is gone forever. And mine’s coming back.

Speaker 4  11:37

If I were him, I’d want to smite you too. But I’m confused. Which one of those things is the thing? The thing you want it to tell me?

Speaker 2  11:48

Oh, none of them.

Speaker 4  11:49

So there’s another layer and your cake of terrible things? Did you just meow at me?

Speaker 2  12:02

Yeah. I mean, no, no.

Speaker 4  12:06

Oh my god, Noa, I hate you sometimes.

Speaker 2  12:09

I mean, there’s another layer. But it’s not a terrible thing. Maybe it’s the icing. And it’s sweet.

Speaker 6  12:18

Why are you speaking in code? Just tell me already.

Speaker 2  12:22

This isn’t a good time. My legs are hairy. I just feel so gross. I’ve been laying in bed for days. This isn’t how it was supposed. If I’d known you were coming over, I would have cleaned up like showered and shaved.


Speaker 4  12:40

Oh, yeah, I get it and shaving makes me feel more talkative to. Okay, here, let’s go shave. Well get less hairy and you can tell me what’s going on?

Speaker 2  12:53

Shave together?

Speaker 4  12:55

Yeah, I can use a shave myself. No, no, no, no, no, no, no electric. We need real razors.

Speaker 2  15:19

I’ve never used a real one.

Speaker 6  15:21

You’ll get a much closer shave with a real one. You have any?

Speaker 2  15:24

My dad does.

Speaker 6  15:31

Perfect. I’ll teach you. Grab a shaving cream too. Okay, tubs full enough.

Speaker 2  15:41

All right. Okay.

Speaker 6  15:44

Yeah. So all right. Oh, what’s your legs and do for me. And a little for you. And lather time. Not on me. That’s how you want to play?

Speaker 2  16:03

No, no, stop.

Speaker 6  16:14

I think you need a shaving cream goatee.

Speaker 2  16:29

What if it’s the killer?

Speaker 14  16:34

Well, someone’s feeling better.

Speaker 2  16:36

Yeah. Just a little while ago.

Speaker 14  16:40

Hi, Seb, you guys want to tell me what you’re up to?

Speaker 4  16:44

I’m teaching Noa how to shave.

Speaker 2  16:47

It’s just Seb being annoying.

Speaker 14  16:52

And how many times have you shaved, Seb?

Speaker 6  16:58

Whatever. I’m really good at it. Oh, and don’t worry, Mr. Bloom. I’m not skipping school. They let us out early.

Speaker 14  17:05

Yeah, the lockdown. I know. I’m taking a break from the murder beat to cover the lockdown beat or I’m trying to Abby’s school called and I had to bring her home. She’s got lice. Abby, stay in your room till I come home with shampoo and the comey thing.

Speaker 2  17:26

Go be all licey in your room.

Speaker 14  17:36

Okay, you two. I’ve got to get back to work. I guess I’ll just leave you to your shaving, is that the right thing to do. But a responsible parent would do?

Speaker 4  17:47

Don’t worry. I’ll make sure she doesn’t cut herself. I almost never do.

Speaker 14  17:50

What about the electric one, Noa?

Speaker 2  17:52

I’m not using the electric one.

Speaker 4  17:55

Mr. Bloom, before you go. Was there really a weapon today?

Speaker 14  17:58

That’s what I’m trying to find out.

Speaker 4  18:00

But it wasn’t a chainsaw, right.

Speaker 14  18:03

Who told you that?

Speaker 4  18:05

A couple of seventh graders.

Speaker 14  18:08

Seventh graders. always reliable sources. Okay, well, hopefully I’ll know more soon. But nobody go bleeding on me while I’m out. Okay, but call me if anyone is bleeding but just don’t bleed.

Speaker 2  18:27

Dad, it’s raining in my room again.

Speaker 14  18:30

Okay, I’ll deal with it later. I’ll deal with everything later.

Speaker 4  18:43

You’re doing really good.

Speaker 2  18:45

I feel like I’m gonna get hurt. You’re way ahead of me.

Speaker 6  18:52

You have two legs. I have one face. It makes sense.

Speaker 2  18:59

You know, Seb, I like this.

Speaker 6  19:05

It’s fun.

Speaker 2  19:07

But not just the shaving. I like this.

Speaker 6  19:11

What do you mean this?

Speaker 2  19:15

You want me to tell you..

Speaker 4  19:22

That was so loud. Noa? What were you gonna say?

Speaker 2  19:40

I don’t remember.

Speaker 4  19:41

Don’t play dumb. I feel like you were about to say it. The thing you had to tell me the layer in your cake.

Speaker 2  19:51

I will. But first I need to..

Speaker 6  19:54

Stop making excuses.

Speaker 2  19:56

I need to wash the shaving cream off my face. It’s stained. Might as well get my legs too, since we can’t shave in the dark

Speaker 4  20:18

Okay, so?

Speaker 2  20:24

It’s hailing. Oh my god, I swear I’ll tell you everything in a minute. But I’m freaking out. But about something else, pale, and darkness and lice.

Speaker 4  20:39

Pale, and darkness, and lice.

Speaker 2  20:43

Listen. The smiting. It’s happening.

Speaker 6  20:48

What are you talking about?

Speaker 2  20:51

This is how God punishes people. It’s the 10 plagues.

Speaker 6  20:55

Except I feel like you only said 3.

Speaker 2  20:58

Boils. I have a giant zit on my chin. I woke up with it this morning.

Speaker 6  21:02

And I’m breaking out on my forehead, were teenagers.

Speaker 2  21:05

Disease, the livestock. The neighbor’s chickens all died on Tuesday.

Speaker 4  21:09

Since when are you a plagues expert? The 10 plagues are your thing?

Speaker 2  21:16

It’s my job at the Seder. I leave the 10 plagues

Speaker 4  21:19

You really are a master at stalling.

Speaker 2  21:22

No, I’m serious. At the Seder. Everyone says all the plagues but someone leads it in my family that’s me. So like I go blood and they go blood, I go frogs, and for each one, you dip your finger in wine and make dot on your plate. It’s actually like my favorite Jewish tradition.

Speaker 4  21:43

So if this is really happening, you’re being legit smited, where are the other plagues? I don’t see any frogs.

Speaker 2  21:50

Not yet. Okay. Blood. No. Frogs. No. Lice. Yes. Abby. Flies. No. Livestock. The chickens? Yes. Oil. Yes. Hale. Kiss Lucas. No. Although there were a ton of them this summer. To darkness. Yes. Look around you. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. What? Seb the place in the story. God did them on your people. The last plague. Slaying of the firstborn. It’s the firstborn son. The firstborn Egyptian son.

Speaker 6  22:40

Maybe that whole thing at school today was God coming to kill me with his chainsaw?

Speaker 2  22:47

You don’t take me seriously.

Speaker 4  22:50

Sorry. serious face. If the lights were on. You’d see very serious.

Speaker 2  22:56

God knows Seb. He knows that harming you would be. It would be the biggest way of hurting me.

Speaker 4  23:03

Well, you’d hurt a lot more if you came after you with a chainsaw.

Speaker 2  23:07

You wanted me to talk to you? Like you’re not listening to me.

Speaker 4  23:12

I don’t know what you’re trying to say. You’re talking about smiting. It sounds a crazy talk.

Speaker 2  23:17

Just forget it.

Speaker 4  23:19

Forget what?

Speaker 2  23:22

I don’t know. You want to feel my legs? What? My legs. They’re so smooth. They’ve never been this smooth.

Speaker 6  23:35

I told you the real razors better.

Speaker 2  23:40

So do you want to?

Speaker 4  23:44

Feel your leg? Sure. Yep, that’s smooth. Right?

Speaker 2  24:03

Noa, what are you doing? Showing you how it’s moved on the back of my leg too. Can I feel your face? You have good cheekbones.

Speaker 14  24:22

Noa, wait.

Speaker 2  24:25

Sorry. Sorry that was..

Speaker 6  24:31

Did you just try to kiss me?

Speaker 2  24:33

I’m so dumb.

Speaker 4  24:34

I told you remember. We talked about this. You said you understood.

Speaker 2  24:40

I know. I know. I’m sorry.

Speaker 6  24:42

So why did you do that?

Speaker 2  24:44

I don’t know. I know what you told me. But I also know how you act around me. It kind of seemed like you might like me back.

Speaker 4  24:51

I want to talk about this but it’s hard when you won’t look at me. Please just make eye contact for one second.

Speaker 2  24:59

Fine. You’re bleeding, right there. On your cheek. I think I smudged it.

Speaker 6  25:09

It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I just need some toilet paper.

Speaker 2  25:14

Right. Okay. I’ll get it.

Speaker 6  25:23

Noa, you’re bleeding too.

Speaker 2  25:26

It’s not a big deal. I’ll just get more toilet

Speaker 14  25:29

No, Noa. You’re like bleeding, bleeding.

Speaker 2  26:08

Oh my god. Oh my god. No. Oh, no. What do I do?

Speaker 4  27:08

Pads or whatever?

Speaker 2  27:10

I don’t have pads or whatever. I’ve never had this happen before.

Speaker 4  27:14

Oh, man. You should call your dad. He literally said to call if you were bleeding I could call my mom. My sister?

Speaker 2  27:28

No calling anyone. I’ve got this. You should go.

Speaker 4  27:39

You just close me in here with you.

Speaker 2  27:41

It’s a door it opens.

Speaker 4  27:43

Okay, well, I’m staying here until you get this figured out. Can I at least get you some clean clothes. Just tell me where to look.

Speaker 2  27:50

I can do that myself.

Speaker 4  27:52

Come on, Noa, I’m trying to help.

Speaker 2  27:54

You can help by leaving.

Speaker 4  27:56

That’s really what you want.

Speaker 2  27:58

It’s really what I want.

Speaker 2  28:08

Okay, okay, you’ve got this. You just call her and say, hey, Dani. So I talked to myself sometimes. Okay. I bet you do weird things to. Okay. So it’s like, Hey, Dani. It’s Noah. I’m so sorry about the horrible things I said to you. I hope you forgive me. Oh, you do good. Because something actually happened today. Two things, actually. And then it’s like, yeah, I really need to talk to someone to you. I need to talk to you. No, too desperate. Do it more like Hey, Dani. Apologies. Apologies. So a couple of major things today. I told him I liked him. It did not go well. Yeah, and you won’t believe this. In the middle of it all. I got my period. I know. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re talking to me. You’re the only girl, I mean, woman. Woman I can talk to. I thought my mom should be back before this happened. I thought she’d be here. She’s supposed to be here. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. No, no, that’s too much. Way too much. Okay, okay. Here’s what you gotta say. Dani, I know you’ve been mad at me. But you’re the only woman I can talk to. I don’t know what stuff I’m supposed to use right now. I don’t even know how to get that stuff. I can’t like send my dad to the feminine items aisle. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Okay, okay, that’s good. You can do this, Noa. Okay.

Speaker 10  30:04

Hey, it’s Dani. If this is Noa which of course it is, because anyone else would text stop okay, just stop. We’re done. You’re not who I thought you were.

Speaker 14  30:38

I’m back. I cracked the lockdown mystery. Turns out it was nothing, or it was something but nothing to worry about. Seem like you were feeling better. But now.

Speaker 2  30:53

Why do people run away from me?

Speaker 14  30:55

People run away from you?

Speaker 2  30:56

No, you’re right. I pushed people away.

Speaker 14  30:59

I didn’t say that. What are you talking about? I know you weren’t sick. No more faking. Clearly you’re going through something. And you don’t want to tell me what it is. And that’s fine. I can’t force you. But it kills me to see you hurting like this. So I gave you a few mental health days. But I want you back in school on Monday. Everyone hates Middle School. But think of it this way. Less than a year to go. You’re blinking at me. Why are you blinking at me?

Speaker 2  31:54

Nine months, there’s nine months left. A baby could be made from start to finish in that time.

Speaker 14  32:02

Right. But don’t you get any ideas? I’m not ready to be a grandpa dad. There we go. There’s that eye roll. I gotta go deal with your sister’s knits. Oh, hey, real quick. Rabbi Shapiro called me. He wanted you to do him a favor. And you can totally say no. You know, Micah is going through an awful time right now. And his bar mitzvah is coming up. And he wants to move forward with it even though even with what happened with his mom. But he’s really struggling with his Torah portion. Anyway, the rabbi said you were one of the best in your class with Hebrew. And he wondered if you can help Micah out. Tutor him a little. It’s like a mitzvah. But feel free to pass. I know you to have histories.

Speaker 2  33:07

It’s fine. I’ll do it.

Speaker 14  33:09

You will?

Speaker 2  33:10


Speaker 14  33:11

We’ll sleep on it.

Speaker 2  33:13

I’m sure just tell Rabbi Shapiro I’ll do it.

Speaker 14  33:16

Okay, but why? Great reason.

Speaker 2  33:31

Sometimes your life is just layer, after layer of terrible cake. When you suck it up. You eat the cake. It won’t be so bad right? At least the icing will be yummy. Wrong. That stuff you thought was icing? It was just another layer of horrible rotten cake and you keep eating it because you deserve it, because you got yourself here, because you baked that cake your own damn self.

Speaker 2  34:19

HERE LIES ME is a Lemonada Media original in collaboration with the longest shortest time. Executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer and me, Hillary Frank. I also wrote and directed the show. Hannah Boomershine is our producer. Peter Clowney is our story editor. Ivan Kuraev is our audio engineer. Music by Casey Holford with drums by Sasha. Our artwork which changes every week is by Lindsay Stripling. Thank you to the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts in Houston, Texas where we found our team cast and to the spruced in and space on writer farm, where I developed the pilot for this project. Special thanks to Val Bodurtha Eartha, Xorje Olivares, Jonathan, and Michael Raphael. The voices you heard today are Ollie Grishaber, Grant Eason, Rafael Pina, Rebecca Lembcke, Anna Marie Tobin, Emma Ogier, Vineeth Nadella, Julian Cotom, Anna Grace Hethcox, Savannah Coyne, Luca Jarosz, Chloe Vuong, Sasha Menjivar, Matt Hune, Judith Miller, Stephanie Wittles Wachs, with special guest W. Kamau Bell and Rob Huebel. For fun facts about our cast plus resources on harassment and bullying.

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