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Sarah explains what it feels like to be high. She also hears from a caller who still fantasizes about her ex and another who needs help understanding his dreams. Plus, she goes full Buddhist mode and explains a proverb about why anger is like picking up hot coals and trying to throw them at someone.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Sender 7, Tony, Veronica, Sarah Silverman, Sender 5, Susan, Katerra, Tess

Sarah Silverman  00:16

Hi everyone. It’s your best friend, Sarah. Here’s something that I have noticed, and it happens every time, like on the weekends, Rory and I love to really take, like, a good hike with the dogs, or any day, but he works all day, and I can’t walk siby alone with Mary, because I She’s too strong. I’m embarrassed to say so. When he comes home at night, we walk at night, you know, and stuff, but we like to take a real hike when we can, you know. So on the weekends, we do that, and we have a puff we take a little puff ski. And that’s really when I am in nature and I’m high, I get completely in touch with what I like to call the control center, anything that would maybe I’d get tired, or I’d feel heavy, or it’s like the hill is very steep, goes away, and I realize that I really me. I’m my brain. I’m saying obvious things, but the way I’m thinking of it is cool. So I just think of myself. I’m in my brain, in the control center, and I’m controlling my body, moving from it. And when I really get in touch with that, I don’t feel tired. I don’t the exercise isn’t too much, it’s nothing. I’m just operating my body, and it always feels like a total revelation, and it’s fucking cool. That’s all I like it, though, when I can go like I’m just in the control center and I’m moving, I’m working my body, I feel like I can do a lot more things physically. All right. Got anything to say about that? Give us a call in the meantime, let’s listen to some voicemails.

 

Susan  02:27

Hi, Sarah. It’s your pal Susan from the bed wetter in Washington. And I have misophonia, and someone in the cast mentioned that you also suffer from this affliction. And I was wondering when the onset was for you and what your triggers are, and how you manage the rage that accompanies said triggers. You’re the best. Adore you. You’re perfect to me.

 

Sarah Silverman  03:00

Susan Rome is our brilliant Nana understudy in DC right now at the bed wetter. Oh, beautiful. We are so lucky that we have such a brilliant cast and brilliant understudies. Well, I’ll tell you, Susan, it started in high school, and it just got worse and worse and worse and worse from there. And of course, I was in high school, it just, I was, you know, I would eat dinner in my room, and I just seemed like an angry high school kid, and I was suffering from misophonia, which didn’t have a name and people didn’t know about and it got worse and worse and worse. And when I read about it finally, as as it got, written about and named and stuff, it was exactly my experience that it tends to start in your high school years and get worse and worse and worse. And all you can really do there’s no cure, but you can find tricks, as many tricks as you can to help you, because it fills you with a chemical rage, as you said, and it just you just seem like a fucking intolerant asshole. So I what I would suggest is it’s a lot like this quote by Eckhart Tolle, which I looked up the pronunciation of his last name. My therapist says Eckhart Tolle. I’ve heard Eckhart Tolle and the robot online pronounced it Eckhart Tolle, so I don’t know maybe it’s like Goldstein, Goldstein, but it’s from his book, The Power of Now. And it’s basically, if you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options. One, remove yourself from the situation, which is always the first thing I do if I can in that with my misophonia two, if you can’t remove yourself from the situation, then change the situation. If I can’t remove myself from the situation, I’m shooting something. And the the you know, boom operator, is chomping gum or something. I just ask them to take mercy on me. I say this is a me problem. You’re not doing anything wrong, but I have something called misophonia, and certain sounds trigger it, and your gum is doing that. And would you take mercy on me and spit it out while we shoot this scene. I’m crazy. It’s my problem, and you just have to, you know, rely on the kindness of strangers, basically, for that three If you cannot remove yourself from this situation and you can’t change the situation, then you must accept it totally. Three does not work with misophonia, unfortunately. But the third for my misophonia version of this Eckhart Tolle thing is, and I can’t always do this, but I have, my dad gave me gun range headphones that live in our living room. And, you know, sometimes I get triggered, and it’s, it’s just the worst, because it comes from the just the most beautiful thing, like Rory making me a grilled cheese, and it’s delicious, and we’re watching TV, and he’s putting everything away, and it’s the wrinkling of the bags and the wrappers, and I, and I’m pleading with myself, because I’m like, He is literally putting away dinner he made for me, and I just put the headphones on, and he totally gets it, thank God, because he also has it a little bit too, and that just sound gone. And I can’t even look that direction as well, because I it’s it’s not just the sound. It’s seeing it on the corner of my mouth and and you asked me what they were the triggers I chew gum. I don’t mind when people chew gum. It’s when they chomp gum or when they snap gum. Absolute rage and fury. I once was next in line after and now we’re at least at the DMV, and the one being woman behind me started snapping her gum, and I just left. Had to go back and do it all over again. But you know what? I had to take myself out of this situation. And by the way, none of this happens if I have no stress in my body, which is rare, but sometimes I’m fine, and I don’t even notice if I have any stress in my body, it’s triggered. So yeah, those things, wrappers, packaging, you know, ring like chips, packages, the sound of chips, anything crunchy, mouth noises. So you know that’s I remember my stepfather, who was just the loveliest, loveliest man, but I remember him eating spaghetti. This is early days of my misophonia. And of course, it didn’t have a name, and it just was, geez, I must be a fucking asshole. What’s wrong with me? But I could hear like his saliva mixing the in his mouth, like eating the spaghetti. And it was just unbearable. Unbearable, but it’s me. It’s inside me. So, yeah, you just have to you take yourself out of the situation, or you appeal to people’s kindness that you have a thing and they’re doing nothing wrong, but would you mind, you know. And that’s that. All right, good luck, Susan, what else?

 

Katerra  09:30

Hi, Sarah, it’s your friend. Katerra from Brooklyn, New York. I had to write this out, because I’m a Rambler, but I need your advice. The death of my grandma was incredibly isolating. I had friends and family who failed to see just how devastating the loss was. I had friends try to lessen the loss for me by saying that she lived a long life. I even had my own father say that my grandmother can’t be my best friend, but my grandma, Sandy. Was my best friend, and I watched dementia take her away, and it ripped my heart out and made me lose my mind, all at the same time, I found peace in stand up comedy, and I’ve been doing stand up comedy for over four years. Wow, I just moved to New York City to become a better comic and hopefully do comedy full time. But grief has struck again my birth mom, because I’m adopted, my birth mother has stage three pancreatic cancer, and I need to know, how do I make this grief process less traumatic and isolating. How do I process this grief and let my friends and family know that distance and silence is the last thing that I need?

 

Sarah Silverman  10:58

Oh, you’d say that. Could say exactly that. You know, don’t grieve for your biological mother, yet it’s stage three. It’s not stage four. You know, pancreatic cancer tends to be a death sentence, as it was for my stepmother, Janice. She was stage four when she is diagnosed. So that’s one stage less, and they’re making so much progress with cancer and cancer cells in Korea right now, and it won’t be long, I hope that it really becomes a thing where cancer can be a thing of the past. But yes, we’re talking about grief. Your grandmother, I’m so sorry. Yeah, you know, people don’t know how to approach grieving people, and grieving people often don’t know how to approach grief, right? I mean, we are, none of us pros at this. You know, when friends say she well, she lived a long life. They are. This is their attempt at comfort for you. This is them trying. It may not be comfort for you, but you can see that what they’re doing is trying. On the other hand, there’s an element of it that, you know, makes me think of Mr. Rogers, you know, who said, I’m paraphrasing, but basically, you know, when people cry, our instinct is to say, don’t cry, and that’s because we feel uncomfortable with it when the really the friendship. The thing to do when someone is crying is to say, go ahead and cry, and I’ll be right here. You know that said, Yeah, try to see these attempts from friends as you know, in the spirit that it is, but yeah, it’s probably a little bit of discomfort as well. You are not the first person to go through grief, and you will not be the last. This is a good thing when I say you are not unique. You know you’re not alone in this, but it is a personal thing, a deeply personal thing. You know, when my mother died, Gary Shandling, who was who died just months later, let’s see six, seven months later, anyway, when my mom died, Gary Shandling, who was Buddhist, taught me a, I think, a Buddhist saying that goes something like grief. Teach me what I need to know. And here’s the thing, the only way through grief is to let it lead you know, the only way is through is to to just feel it and not resist it, and it’s okay. You will get through the other side. You can’t really control it. I mean, when my mom died, I was numb, I felt nothing. And then, you know, two weeks later, I’m in LA at gelson’s, our grocery store, at in line, and I just burst into tears. You know, that’s how it works. You don’t control grief. Grief controls itself, and you let it do its thing. There’s no timeline. There’s no right way. It will just happen. You don’t have to do anything, you know. So I was in line at the grocery store, and it hit me, and it was embarrassing, but it was grief, doing its thing, and it’s kind of fascinating. So, you know it’s you don’t have to do anything. You just have to exist. And you will live through grief, and then you won’t be better. You will always have this loss, but you will move forward as anyone you lose would desperately want you to, and you will embody the best parts of them, and they’re a part of you now, and it’s your responsibility to carry that on, and that’s wonderful. I hope that helps, and I’m excited for you doing stand up. That’s really freaking cool. Katerra. Isn’t that a kind of car, a Katerra. It’s a type of Cadillac, yeah, Lisa Katera. And I believe that Lisa katera is a character’s name on one of those shows from, you know, 20 years ago or something. I remember when I was a kid or a teenager. I don’t know what I was upstairs in my bedroom. Maybe I was home from living in New York. I don’t know when this was, but Mom, my mom, was sitting I was in bed, and she was sitting next to me on bed, and we were watching something on TV, and she said that there’s a character on, like, er maybe, or Chicago hope, or one of those, and her name was Lisa Katerra. And my mom had heard that they got that name from a commercial where they were saying it was to lease a car that called a Katerra, lease Lisa katera today, and they named the character Lisa Katerra.  I don’t know if that’s true. That was my mom told me that, and I always remembered it. My mother and I really enjoy, we enjoyed fun facts, okay.

 

Tess  16:56

Hey, Sarah, this is Tess. I love the show, and I’m calling because I wanted to get your advice about something that I haven’t really heard you talk about on the pod. So far, though, to be honest, I have not listened to all the episodes. There’s many, um, but I will listen to all of them eventually. Anyways, I’ve been in a new relationship now for about six months. And when I got into this relationship, it had been about six months since my previous relationship had ended, which I was in for about three years. It ended, you know, pretty amicably. It just wasn’t working out. But, you know, I had some anger and resentment towards my ex, and recently we got lunch after not having seen each other for about, you know, six months, and I had a lot of feelings come up when I had lunch with them, and I have been like fantasizing about them. And, you know, I love my my partner, and I don’t really know what to make of these feelings and these fantasies. So let me know what you think. Have you ever had this?

 

Sarah Silverman  18:27

Sure, I have advice for you. Remember the bad times. They seem to just totally evaporate. I’m guessing that your ex was their best self when you saw them, Boy, those bad times just seemed to evaporate from memory. It’s like how they say nature makes women forget the pain of childbirth so that humans continue to have more babies, or something. I think this is the old I want what I don’t have, so I’ll never be happy, kind of thing, or maybe not. But I just really sit and remember why you got out of that relationship, because that’s what happens, is then, you know, our exes are their best selves when we see them again, and we go, oh, and then you remember this, and, oh, that was so fun. And, and, you know, relationship is work, and, and so it doesn’t always feel like that heart pounding thing when you’re in relationship, it’s the that’s hopefully more about the comfort in the and still heart pounding stuff, but you know more about being in a relationship. So I just think, yeah. Just really try to remember the bad times and. Things that you that made you not compatible, and I think that’s a good thing to do because, um, our our brain sometimes plays tricks on us in that way. Does that make sense? I don’t know. All right, what else?

 

Tony  20:23

Hey, Sarah, it’s your old pal, Tony and Portland, Oregon. I saw you last night, and your show was so hilarious. And art warning. I was the guy wearing the t shirt that said, every time we fuck, we win. So thanks for the shout out from stage. Yeah, I really enjoyed the show and had me thinking about this dream that I’ve had a few times, and it’s happened with two different celebrities. So both with you and Fiona Apple, I have these dreams where we are best friends and like we’re in college together and just having the best time. And I’ve had them several times. So I’m curious, what are your dreams like? Do you remember them? Do you have recurring dreams? Yeah, I just want to hear more about that. So that, thank you so much, bye.

 

Sarah Silverman  21:25

I do, I, you know, it’s very funny because, of course, I’m very flattered that you’ve had multiple dreams where we’re friends, but I also understand it a little bit, because a lot of people have said I’m they’ve dreamt about me or, you know, like stranger, you know, online, or whatever they’ll say. And I think I know the reason, because there was a time where I was always dreaming about Conan O’Brien. And I thought, I’m like, obsessed with Conan O’Brien or, like, we must have some cosmic connection. Or, like, No, I was falling asleep to watching Conan O’Brien. So I think because people watch videos or whatever they you know, they’re, you’re falling asleep watching me, or listening to Fiona Apple or whatever, and it seems into your unconscious. But I do have recurring dreams. And the the thing that is most interesting to me is, and I’ve talked about it, but I’ve had recurring dreams about being in New York City, and New York City in my dream is always the same, but it is absolutely not New York City in real life. It is a completely different layout, but it’s always that same layout, and it’s not anywhere I’ve been before, and it’s like a totally different map, but I recognize it when I’m there I go, oh, I’m in New York because it’s, it’s the New York in my dream consistently and uptown looks totally different in downtown, and the way you walk it, it’s not New York. And there’s a store I’m always trying to get to that does not exist in real life. And I can, I’m looking at the inside of it right now, and as I close my eyes, it had like different boutiques all in one place, and it was so great. Amy, you would love it. I wish it existed. And I always am trying to get to that store, and I get lost and I’m downtown, but I need but it’s not New York City in the real life, one, it is some other place, and I don’t know what it is really or if it exists in real life, or just this map in my sleep. That’s what I got.

 

Sender 5  23:39

Hi Sarah, I wanted to ask you, how have you helped your friends with postpartum depression? I I’m a bit at a at a loss. I don’t know how to help my best friend, who is no longer my best friend, because we haven’t spoken in four years that much. Think we’ve been on the phone three times in the last four or five years because of her having kids, and I don’t have kids, and I’m a 41 year old fucking expat, kind of expat, Colombian living in the Netherlands with my husband, and she’s living in the States, and she had kids, and I didn’t, and that kind of broke it, because there’s just no more time to talk to me about my shit. And so I yeah, I’m pissed. I’m not pissed at her, I’m not pissed her at kids. I’m pissed at the fact that there’s nothing to do. I can’t say anything because I sound like an asshole that doesn’t really accept the fact that she had kids, or that I’m resentful or bitter. I am all these things. I am fucking pissed. What can I do? So that’s why I’m that’s what I’m talking to you or asking you. How do you deal with it? Because I’m tired of feeling not, yeah, sorry for myself, and I’m also tired of feeling this anger towards someone that doesn’t deserve it, but also that should know that they hurt me. That’s it, what do you think?

 

Sarah Silverman  25:17

You know, I just read this quote, I think, from like the Buddha, but it was basically like, holding on to anger is like picking up hot coals in the with the intention of throwing it at someone you’re angry at. You’re the only one that gets burned. But you know, I understand, do I understand you’re angry, I understand what’s happening, because I did not have kids, and of course, most of my friends did have kids, and I did lose them, to a large degree, to them raising kids, It’s pretty all encompassing. It’s a giant endeavor. And and I, I see them, if I go over and hang out with them and their kids, or I, you know, I’m so that’s, that’s life. That’s what life is. One of my best friends, Heidi, has a kid and and she also moved to Costa Rica, so we don’t talk often, but she we do find time. We will make um, we’ll email. We will face time. We don’t face time as much as we used to, but we will make dates. Make a date ask her for an hour of her time sometime in the next few weeks where she can put aside time just for you. And you know what half of that time is going to need to be you asking her about her life and her kids and her stuff too. You’re absent in her life as well. She’s missing a lot of things because of this choice of having kids. And that’s in some ways, a very beautiful thing, you know, like people want kids and they raise kids. And that’s human nature to a large degree. You know, it’s not it, it wasn’t my nature. But, um, that friendship goes two ways. And sure, maybe you have all the time and space in the world for her, but you have to understand, she’s had a major change in life where she is she’s raising human beings, and it takes up a lot of time, and she probably works as well, and she probably has a partner as well, and she probably needs just time for silence as well, if she can even get that. So, you know, maybe have a little grace, find more friends that have a lifestyle that is similar to yours, where they have that kind of space and time and stop putting that on her, um, friendships change. She, you know, listen, there are friends Carrie and Heidi, both of, like my two best friends. There are months and months and months that go by that I don’t talk to either of them. We’re all busy, we’re all living life, and when we connect, we’re right back where we left off. And that’s the strength of that relationship, but, or the that kind of friendship. But, you know, you live in different countries, you you have different lives, and you know, I’m not, I don’t mean to blame you. I know that’s hard, and I know what that feels like. You know, my another very close friend, my friend, tall John, lives six houses down, and I never see him. He’s got two kids, he’s works, he, you know. So this is the stuff of life, and I think you gotta have a little grace for her and for yourself. And you know, you can fill that void in other ways it, but that’s not her job. You know. I hope that helps, and that’s not an upsetting answer for you, but good luck and what else?

 

Veronica  29:27

Hi, Sarah, it’s your friend Veronica. I was listening to the podcast today and heard you talking about how you like to talk over people because you’re so excited to share what you have to say about yourself and are working on it. I could not identify more with that. It is probably one of the biggest, like thorns in the side of my husband, and so my question is, how does that work between you and Rory? Do you does it drive him crazy? Do you get really conscious of it? I feel like I try not to do it, but then I come off feeling inauthentic, because it seems like I’m standing around politely waiting for him, whereas there are so many other people in my life that I can talk with like that. I sort of feel like it’s a cultural way of speaking. I’m from the tri state area, and he is not, and so I can’t tell if it’s that or if he’s women speaking to other women more so like that or, you know, is it a division between the sexes anyway? I wonder how you handle it and how you don’t feel bad about it when you do end up doing it. Thanks so much.

 

Sarah Silverman  30:56

I hear you and but a lot of times, the reason why it’s our partner? I mean, you put, like, the male aspect of it in my head, so now I’m like, fuck men, because it doesn’t take much for me to get go to that place. But I think it’s because it’s your partner. You know, your friends don’t tend to call you on those things. You don’t have as intimate relationship. You’re not living together. You’re not, you know? And you know, it’s rude, you know. And it’s, it to me, it’s, it’s, and I’m talking about myself doing this, you know, it’s kind of cokey vibes, which is really, I hate more than anything in the world is being around Coke, cokey vibes and needing to get say your thing more, you know, making that more important than hearing the person that is made you think of that thing. It’s fucking rude. And then the the vibe of working on that, and then just just remembering what you’re gonna you know, it’s very coky. I say this as someone who’s been around Koki people, and someone who was a Koki person for about a year of my life in my early 20s, and thank God, it left me as quickly as it took me over, but that feeling of like what I have to say is so important, and I’m waiting for you to finish talking, but I’m no longer listening, because I’m holding on to this thought I cannot wait to get out. And it’s probably not that important, you know, but I for me, it’s just practice. When I notice myself doing it, I correct myself, you know, and I feel like it comes from this worry that if I don’t say this right now, I’m not gonna remember it, but you know what? So what if I don’t remember it? I think that was the big realization for me. Who fucking cares? It’s a fucking conversation. Let people finish what they’re saying, and if you don’t remember what you were going to say, who cares? You’ll remember it later and then tell them it’s it’s like an anxiety thing, I think so, you know, it’s just something I practice, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And I even notice when Rory interrupts me and I go, can I may finish my thought, please? And it’s, uh, it was always me, usually. So now I notice it and other people. But I, I, you know, I still mess up, and I just gently correct myself, you know, I don’t know I get. I get. I’m not saying I’m so great or anything, but I am lucky in that I get very excited about making changes in my habits if they no longer serve me. You know, we are, we are, none of us perfect, but we can make changes if we want to, and correcting ourselves doesn’t have to feel like failure. It’s fucking growth. It’s fun and, you know, sometimes very painful. You know, it’s like when I would, I’d fall into total despair, and then, you know, I would feel like the world was caving in. I would feel total despair. And then all of a sudden I would realize, Oh, I’d look at my birth control pill packet, and I’d go, oh, this is my PMS week. And just knowing that really made it all better, because I suddenly understood what and why I was feeling this way, and the knowing dissipated this very chemical angst. It’s cool stuff. It’s science. So there you go. All right, what else?

 

Sender 7  34:58

Hey, Sarah, I am currently working at a blueberry farm, so that gives me lots of hours to listen to your podcast, and also lots of hours to think so. Something that’s been on my mind a lot lately is the topic of children, and I feel pretty confident that I don’t want them for numerous reasons, and as a woman without children yourself, I’m curious about what your dating experience has been, navigating knowing that you don’t want children and finding a man that feels the same. And what’s interesting is that I almost want to be with a man who would have all of the qualities of being a good father,  but yet does not want them. So right now, that feels very mysterious, like, who will that be? And have you ever been dating someone and everything is very compatible and going really well, except for the difference in wanting children. And has that ever caused a breakup for you? Love you. Thanks so much, bye.

 

Sarah Silverman  36:22

You know, when my friends get pregnant, I’m so thrilled for them, and it’s a miracle, and it’s beautiful. But I there’s another part of me that can’t get my head around, bringing more children into this world. When there are children, I would love to have a home. It’s I know people want to have a version of themselves, and they can do it right this time, but it’s pretty wild, you know, we adopt dogs. We’re disgusted when people don’t adopt or rescue dogs, in fact. But people, no, yeah, I had a boyfriend that that we talked about having kids, and of course, thank God we didn’t, because we broke up. And I love kids. I really do. And I had a joke about this that it’s also true The only thing I love more than kids is doing anything I want at all times. And you know, I watched my dad and my step mom on their death beds, surrounded by this beautiful family they made together. And I know that I won’t have that, but I’ll have other things, and hopefully other people and that that love me and want to care for me in my old age, or I will hire lovely, wonderful people to care for me in my old age, and maybe my fellow comedian cohorts, way me, we’ll all live together, but I hope to also be surrounded by love. It will just be a my, my What do they call it? My maid family, my chosen family. And that’s also why I really make it a point to make friends with young, younger people than me? Oh, gosh, but yeah, there you go. That’s my answer, and I’m sticking to it. And Dad, we are winding down. This is the part of the podcast where I say, send me your questions or your thoughts or your proclamations or your statements or your insecurities or your anything you need to say, say it by going to Speakpipe.com/theSarahSilvermanpodcast. That’s speakpipe.com/the SarahSilvermanpodcast and subscribe, rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts, because that’s how we stay on the air. And if you haven’t yet, now is a great time to subscribe to lemonadapremium. You just hit that subscribe button on Apple podcasts or for all other podcast apps, head to lemonadapremium.com and you get bonus content you would not like to miss, trust me, that is lemonadapremium.com. Thank you for listening to the Sarah Silverman podcast, we are a production of Lemonada media.  Kathryn Barnes and Isabella Kulkarni produce our show. Our mix is by James Sparber.  The show is recorded at the Invisible Studios in West Hollywood. Charles Carroll is our recording engineer.  Additional Lemonada support from Steve Nelson, Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer.  Our theme was composed by Ben Folds. You can find me at @SarahKateSilverman on Instagram. Follow the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcasts, or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.