Dr. Lexx ???? — “You are in charge of your own pleasure.”
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Good sex is communicative, whatever language you use. If you want to be hogtied and put over a fire spit because it gets you off, Dr. Lexx will encourage you to find the right person to do it with safely and how to talk to them about making your hottest dreams a reality.
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Dr. Lexx 00:49
My twin caught my parents in the middle of a sex act in the kitchen. We were 8 or 9 maybe at that time, maybe 7. I came downstairs because I was a late sleeper. I’m an advocate of the nap. And I’ve always been an advocate of the nap. And he said to me, which no one else can call me. I’m like “what?!” I wanted to jump into the juicy gossip. So you walk down. He was like they was on the sink. And I was like “what!?” And then I remember forcibly being yanked down to sit down. In the middle of the den as my dad continued to read a paper. My mother had this age-old biology book and sat us down and talk to us about penises and vaginas. And I don’t want this information. I want to know the gossip. What is the juice? What’s the tea. And I didn’t ever get any more of that tea at all. So there’s a story left unsaid at this point.
Dr. Lexx 02:18
Hi, I’m Dr. Lexx, she her doctor pronouns and you’re listening to GOOD SEX. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and sexologist who helps people create, build, maintain and perpetuate intimacy in their relationships. Good sex is communicative, whatever language you use, as well as with your body. There was a study that said, I think there was over 750 reasons why people engage in sexual encounters. From like, I just want to go to sleep, then I need some sleep. I’m tired, too. I want to get this person back and revenge and I’m going to sleep with somebody else. Or I just want to explore new things that are kinky and fun. And I want to show my partner that I love and care for them. And I need them. And this is a way that I cope with anxiety.
So there are a bunch of different reasons why people engage in the behaviors that they engage in. does this come from a wound? Is that wound needing a healing? Is this healing for that wound? Or is this harming for you right now? And that’s the place I get to be at and listen to for folks and hold space for. I think over time, the reason why we don’t share the actual intimacies and vulnerabilities with each other. And the reason why we need help, is because people have been hurt, betrayed, broken down, you learn to protect yourself. And because these are really integral pieces of us, they’re the things that make us up. They’re the things that create us as humans and as individuals in the world.
Once that gets rejected or trampled on, sometimes it feels like there’s no coming back from that rather than lose you, I’d rather just not talk about it. Or if some people are hurt, they rather not let other people know that they’ve been hurt that way. Because they have their own shame about it. It means something to them that oftentimes we’re either told, or that we make up, you’re worthless now because this thing happened to you. It’s like that’s not true. That’s a falsehood. That’s something that more than likely some man made up somewhere. Because we live in a patriarchal society that says that now you know, you’re no longer usable because you’re a chewed-up piece of gum. Like that’s not what we’re doing anymore. But it’s still when a lot of people can believe about themselves. So they need help.
Dr. Lexx 04:45
I like to give folks permission to say like, hey, there’s no barricades here. There’s no boundaries of what we can’t talk about. I’m really comfortable talking about all of this stuff. If you want to be hogtied and put over a fire spit because that’s what gets you off. Let’s talk about how we’re going to do that safely. And who we can do that with. That’s when people are like, “Wow, I didn’t know I could have this conversation. Who else can I talk about this with?” And I’m like, what about the person you’re using these parts with? One of them? Any of them? Let’s go from there. Right? I think these conversations are so difficult for people because of shame and because of lack of education. And I think those go hand in hand. Recently, I was watching Bridgerton. The mom is trying to have the talk with one of the daughters and he’s just struggling, non-stop.
So I think it is these parts are dirty, and we’re not supposed to talk about the pleasure that comes from them. We’re trying to protect folks, by not giving them information and not realizing that it actually has the opposite effect. And then the shame comes in wait, I actually do feel pleasure from this thing that I’ve been taught has been dirty. So the forms that shame comes in regarding sexuality, right? Is based on our identities. I identify as a black fat pansexual woman who was previously nursing and a sex positive parent.
Dr. Lexx 06:34
There are so many different ideas that society as a whole have believed and perpetuated through time about the sex that I’m supposed to have because of the body that I’m in. I tend to be a smaller to medium fat size person. And I also have fat deposits in places that are historically not attractive, but now are attractive. So I have a bigger butt, I have a larger bust. I have a smaller waist, which makes me curvy, which makes me more of a decibel trope, which is considered highly dangerous because she was the person out to like steal husband’s coffee sugar.
These tropes have been put forth and sometimes they’re believed. And when they’re believed, I think that seed has planted forests and we are in the forest trying to look beyond the trees and start to dismantle some of these pieces of this doesn’t define who I am. We oftentimes see that with the exclusion of intersex folks, we see that happen with trans identified people or gender variant and gender expansive, folks. Well that’s trash, A. B, are you having sex with this person? No? Then don’t worry about it’s not your business. Most people in the world when they hear the word intimacy, they hear the word sex, however, they figure out sex is for them. For most folks, they think about penetrative sex, penis and vagina sex.
Dr. Lexx 08:14
And that’s not necessarily what I mean, when I say intimacy, I think intimacy is much more expansive than what people do with our bodies, right? In the therapy world, we always say into me, I see, which is a form of intimacy, right? So being able to see into a person, whatever it is about that person. I joked with one of my friends that everybody has a fatal flaw in relationships, but being able to show people, your lovers, your closest friends, family members, that fatal flaw, and they say, I still love you, I still want to be around you, I still care for you, I will still show up for you. They want to have an opportunity to care for you. And I see this across heterosexual relationships, queer relationships, trans identified relationships, all sorts of relationships. And everybody has this intimacy of like, they’re like, doctor like, […]. Like, I can’t be vulnerable, because that’s not what men do.
I’m like, actually just haven’t been taught. But we can talk about vulnerability not being a weakness, but being a strength and showing that your person who cares for you will make room on their plate for you. That’s why I created a workbook, “The Black Girls’ Guide To Couple’s Intimacy”—because I’ve seen so many couples over the almost 11 years I’ve been doing this work who are not truly intimate with one another. And so the workbook is really for individuals and lovers to work together on how conflict shows up and jeopardizes relationships. It talks about building that vulnerability with saying I’m going to share this thing that I’ve been keeping really close to My chest my whole life. And I want to be accepted by you for everything.
Dr. Lexx 10:05
It also talks about the fun sexiness of it. What are your hotspots, the neck, the ear, the back of the knee. I really liked the inner side of my thigh nibbles. I didn’t know I like that. And so there’s some coloring pages with that. Let’s color it and see what’s fun. And let’s ask these questions about each other and have some nostalgia. One of the things is Figure Me Out, which is one of my favorite things to do. Because you asked like, what is my biggest turn on? And what is my least favorite? Like what turns me off, and you have to figure it out for your lover and then you see if you’re right, and it starts all these conversations that are vulnerable, fun, intimate and close conversations that build towards pleasure.
One thing I would say to people who are looking to have good sex is to start with yourself. You are in charge of your own pleasure. It is not the other person’s responsibility to bring you pleasure. And unless something has happened over the last like evolutionary curve here and we have become mind reader’s and I just didn’t get that power. One, I’m really salty about. Two, other people probably don’t have it either. So you’re in charge of instructing a lover. I like this. I don’t really like this. Can we try this? How about, I’m really excited about and starting to insert there so know your pleasure first, if you’re a person who’s never explored by yourself, you can do this exploration. It doesn’t have to be a big taboo.
If you don’t want it to be it can be a total production, like the candles, put on the music. If you’re at home at this time, you have time maybe to do that. But if not, it’s an exploration in the shower, like while you’re bathing and cleaning yourself anyway, right? and then notice what feels good so you can tell other folks so the path to good sex starts with you as an individual, and then bringing yourself 100% into connection with others when and how you want to.
Dr. Lexx 12:07
If you’re interested in learning more or like what you hear here, you can follow me on Instagram at @lexxsexxdoc or you can follow me on my website and subscribe atlexxsexdoc.com Thank you for listening to GOOD SEX.
GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media Original. Produced by Claire Jones and Matthew Simonson. Our supervising producer is Kryssy Pease, and our executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad with additional music from APM music and sound design is by Matthew Simonson. If you like GOOD SEX, the show, not you know, why don’t you rate and review us on iTunes. And you can follow us on all social media at @LemonadaMedia. Thanks for listening!