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Your body is your smoke detector.

This episode contains strong language and graphic imagery. Sensitive listeners, please be advised.

STORIES
“It’s in His Kiss”: 18-year-old Lupita falls for Juan, a handsome family friend. Just when she thinks he couldn’t be more perfect, they share their first kiss.

Original score by Nyokabi Kariũki, with additional production from Clay Xavier and MR LU*.
“Love and Marriage”: When Sirry graduates from college in Buea, Cameroon, all eyes are on her. Why is she still single? To deflect attention, she decides to take extreme measures.

This story references violence and oppression of people in the LGBTQIA+ community. Please take care while listening.

Many thanks to Sirry Alang for sharing her story with Mind Your Own.

Produced by David Exumé with Sirry Alang. Original score by Niecy Blues. Additional music and production from Lauryn Newson.

Original Mind Your Own theme song by Sandra Lawson-Ndu AKA Sandu Ndu x Peachcurls ft. Ehiorobo. This episode also featured the song I Saw An Angel On The Roof & Wept by Somadina.

Transcript

EP 10: I LIED TO ME O

Lupita: This episode contains strong language and graphic imagery. Sensitive listeners, please be advised.

[Mind Your Own theme song]

Lupita: I’m Lupita Nyong’o. And today, it’s you and it’s me, and we are going to fall in love. I’m talking about late night texts, smiling for no reason, and… wanting to get the hell away from the other person. [chuckles]

Come on, man. This is Mind Your Own. I’m about to take you through a story that will hit you with all sorts of twists and turns. 

[music]

Lupita: I met Juan through my parents. Juan’s parents were diplomats living in Kenya, and they had become friendly with my parents. They came over for dinner. I thought he was cute. 

I met Juan again when I was 18. Like a year later, I suppose. We hit it off. He had joie de vivre and we spoke to each other in Spanish, which was really fun. He was a dynamic dude, and I liked that about him. I’d just come out of another relationship with a guy who only wanted to watch Scarface. So, for me, I was really excited about someone who wanted to go to museums, and go for joyrides, and things like that. 

He was having a party, and he invited me to the party. I remember thinking to myself, “I’m going to kiss him. When I get a chance, I’m going to kiss him.”

After the party, he was dropping me home, and we turned the corner, and right there, there’s this Nandi flame tree. It’s a big tree and it has these beautiful, bright, like, blood orange flowers. He slowed down under the tree. We had this moment, and he was looking into my eyes and his voice went down an octave. [laughs] I leaned in, and he leaned in, and we kissed for the first time. 

There’s a lot of expectation when you’re about to kiss someone for the first time. What I didn’t expect was that I would be repulsed by his smell. 

If you ever used a mouth guard, for example, like – [laughs] and you have it out for a while and you haven’t washed it, and you like – that kind of old saliva smell. But imagine that mixed with Polo Sport, I wanted to pull away and run. I’d smelled his cologne. He smelled lovely from a distance. You know what I mean? He clearly showered, but there was something about his scent that just disagreed with me. And I was just like – I panicked because I was just like, “Wait, what is this?” It was just ew. [laughs] 

But I didn’t say anything. He looked at me with dreamy eyes. He wanted to kiss me again. And I was like, “It’s late. I should go home.” I didn’t know what to do about the fact that I was scandalized by his scent. 

I didn’t know about pheromones. Like, I had never witnessed anybody say, “Oh, yeah, I broke up with him because I didn’t like his scent.” That never –! I’d never heard that sentence in all the movies, even romantic comedies. So, I just kept it to myself. Maybe it was just a long day, and maybe he’d had one too many drinks. Anyway, in due course, I’m sure I won’t feel like that in the future. 

I continued to conduct a relationship with Juan, and I suffered a lot because I hated kissing him. It didn’t change. Every time he dropped me home, he would slow down under that Nandi flame for a kiss that I was unwilling to give. [laughs] And I would dread it. I wish there was another way for me to get to the house. 

I would just relent, and I would give in, and I would take a deep breath and hold, my lips would touch his, and I would exhale.

[whispers] 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000– 

As we kissed, so that I would take as little of him in as possible. 

I didn’t know who to turn to, who to ask, and how to ask. What’s the sentence you form? Have you ever been in love with somebody that made you doubt the very nature of love because of how they smelled? What is that? Who’s going to have sympathy or empathy for me? [laughs] So, I just kept it to myself, and I tried to convince myself that he smelled better. You know how some people say, “Oh, beer is an acquired taste.” I was trying to acquire the taste. 

I actually even bought him a cologne at one point to see whether it would help, but nothing did. I would fail every day, and every day I would renew my faith in the effort. And then the next kiss would come, and I would feel miserable. And then I would spend time with him, and he would do such sweet things. One of the things he used to do was he would show up at the house with flowers for my mom. I hated having all that negative thought about him, about not wanting to be close to him. 

We were probably in the relationship for a good three months before I decided it was time to end things. I can’t live like this anymore. 

We had just visited a national park where we love to go. And on the way back, I said, “Well, I just feel like I’m not ready to be in a committed and long-term relationship.” And he was like, “Yeah, but I love you and you love me, so what’s the reason to break up? Can we just work on it? I don’t think that if I love you and you love me, we should give up on something that could be very promising.”

Damn, that’s a good argument. And so, I was like, “Okay, I guess.” But he also said, “It’s not like either of us have cheated on each other.” And I said, “A-ha.” 

I had a friend, another friend, Kamau. Kamau definitely had a crush on me. I just happened to be hanging out with Kamau during this time. And so, we met up one day, and Juan and I were house-sitting for a friend in the neighborhood. And my plan was to have Kamau there, entertain him, and then just have him present when Juan came home, just to sow a little bit of doubt in Juan about whether or not he wanted to be with me. We were in the apartment. I made him some tea, and we were just chilling on the couch. He was flirting with me and I was also maybe flirting just enough. And he was a little nervous because he knew about me and Juan. He wanted to be out of there before Juan got there. 

Obviously, I lied about what time Juan was coming. So, Juan opens the door and he goes completely white in the face when he sees Kamau. I got up and I was like, “Oh, hi, Juan.” All innocent. “This is Kamau. Kamau, this is Juan.” Kamau is looking super guilty because he had other motives. So, Juan comes in, he gives me the gravest look, darts straight into the bedroom, slams it. And I’m like, oh, snap, what did I just do? I immediately usher Kamau out the door and he’s like, “Oh, my God, are you going to be okay?” I’m like, “I don’t know, but I’ll give you a call. Go, go, go, go.” And he goes. Juan comes out and he is upset. He’s like, “How dare you? You have no shame. How can you bring this person to my house? You’re going to cheat on me? How are you going to cheat on me under this roof?” And I’m like, “I didn’t cheat on you. I didn’t. He was just here.” 

I didn’t expect him to be that upset. I thought he’d be suspicious, and that was good enough, and that it would make him pensive, and that he might then just come to the conclusion that I’m untrustworthy and break up with me. But instead, he believed me and he forgave me. So, now I was back to the drawing board. What do I do? How do I get out of this relationship without admitting why I want to get out of this relationship? [laughs] So, I got a plan C. [laughs] 

I texted Kamau, we met up at the mall. I invite him into the stairwell, also known as I dragged him into the stairwell. [laughs] And when we were alone, I said, “Kiss me.” And he was like, “What? Don’t you have a boyfriend?” “Yeah, nobody cares about that. Kiss me.” And it was like Christmas had come early. Oh, my God, that guy went straight for it, [laughs] and it was such a juicy, delicious kiss. And I was so excited to love his smell from the very first kiss. I wouldn’t have stopped kissing him if it wasn’t for some custodian who came through and interrupted our little make out session. And now, equipped with my traición, [laughs] equipped with my, what do you call it, my unfaithfulness, if you will, I went over to Juan’s place, ready to be broken up with. 

I mean, at this point, I was, what, 18 years old? Your brain hasn’t fully developed, I suppose. I guess that’s the excuse I’m going to give for my decisions. But yeah. So, I went to his house, and of course, I was extremely nervous. I was in his room, I sat him down on the bed, and I said, “I have something to tell you. I cheated on you today.” And he was silent and he goes, “Let me guess. Kamau. I knew it. How could you do that to me? I’ve been so good to you. I’ve done nothing but be faithful and kind to you, and this is how you repay me?” And I felt so bad and I cried and I cried, and I was really, genuinely sorry to hurt him in this way. And then he kept quiet for a while. I gave him his space. I went to my room, the guest room where I was staying. And about a half hour later, he came in, he sat on my bed and he said, “I will forgive you, but you need to repent. You need to go to church and repent.” And he forgives me for my unfaithfulness. I couldn’t believe I was back where I had begun. [scoffs]

This story is too long, man, ah. It’s as long as the relationship. Shit. [laughs] Oh, Lord. The man wouldn’t give up. He wouldn’t give up. And I was just — I didn’t know what to do at this point. This was probably two weeks of trying to break up with him. 

I think it was the next day, we were going to a play. He was dropping me at the play, actually. He wasn’t coming himself. I was going to meet friends and family. And as we approached, he parked his car and leaned in one more time to give me one of his kisses. And I’d just had it. And I blurted out, “I have to break up with you because I don’t love you.” And he was like, “What?” 

“Yeah, I have to break up with you. I don’t love you.” 

“Are you serious?” “Yeah. I don’t love you. I just don’t love you.” 

And with that, he had no more comebacks. I said I was sorry. I got out the car, I shut the door and he drove away. 

I went inside and saw a play that I don’t remember. I really didn’t care what was going on that stage. I was just so happy to finally be free. Does that make me a terrible person? It probably does. 

When I am thinking of dating somebody, I must smell you first. I must. And so, I will devise a way, and usually a hug will do it. And in that hug, I will bury my nose in your neck, take a good whiff, [sniffs] and then you know. 

More on Mind Your Own, after this quick break. Stay tuned. 

[music]

Lupita: Welcome back. You’re listening to Mind Your Own. 

I think sometimes in love, we’re dropped into mazes that we can’t escape. And then it’s up to us to figure out how to navigate our way out. Our next storyteller knows what it’s like to be stuck. 

Today, on Mind Your Own, we are with Sirry Alang, as she shares her story about a relationship that people are still talking about to this day. 

I hope you’re listening. 

Sensitive listeners, please be advised. This story does reference violence and oppression of people in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Sirry Alang spent her early twenties in Buea, Cameroon, and her life there was dictated by three things: school – 

Sirry: So, I applied to the sociology and anthropology program. And it was my second round in college.

Lupita: Church. 

Sirry: Everything that we did was supposed to be guided by God. When I got up in the morning, what I wanted to wear, I thought, “Is this dress going to bring glory to God?”

Lupita: And love.

Sirry: So, I met Elizabeth in college. We were registering for classes and she wore a t-shirt from the high school that she went to. We kinda just chatted, and I said, “So, if you didn’t go to that high school, you wouldn’t have had something to wear to campus today then?” We laughed about it, and after that, we figured out that we were going to be in the same program. 

We just connected. If I had to travel to go play sports, she would always go with me. If I had to go see my family somewhere, she would cry. We spent nights in each other’s arms. We would kiss and make out, but this was not going to work out. 

Lupita: Elizabeth and Sirry met in secret, feeling they had no choice but to keep that part of themselves hidden from the people they knew. That point was hammered home one day as Sirry was just hanging out with her friends. Someone mentioned that a girl they all used to know was killed. 

Sirry: Nobody in that conversation said anything about her sexual orientation, but they talked about, like, it’s probably because of the way she looked. 

I went to her parents’ house. Her mom didn’t even want to talk about what had happened and she categorically said, “I know that you’ve come to talk about her because she’s your friend, but you can visit and we can cry about her. We can cry, but we cannot talk about her.” 

Walking out of the conversation with her, I knew that two things were going to happen. I would either leave the country or I would get married. 

Lupita: Leaving the country was not going to be easy. Getting a visa was near impossible, but Sirry applied anyway. 

Sirry: While trying to figure out a way to get out of Cameroon, I had to devise a plot to be in Cameroon in case I was never going to be able to leave. 

Lupita: If plan A was to leave, plan B was to fit in as much as possible. But the second Sirry graduated college, all eyes were on her. 

Sirry: It was shocking to a lot of people that I wasn’t at least engaged or even married. A lot of my classmates were engaged. 

Lupita: The longer she stayed single, the stranger it seemed to everyone around her. 

Sirry: People were beginning to be suspicious. Nobody came out to me and said, “Oh, are you a lesbian?” People keep telling me, “Oh, people that don’t get married, it’s probably because they are gay.” I heard that a lot and I was getting nervous. 

Lupita: If she was going to live in Buea for the foreseeable future, Sirry needed a way to be safe, a way to deflect prying questions. 

Sirry: Hence the marriage plot. 

[bright music]

Step one, just say yes to someone. Step two, the church approves of it and then you’re engaged. And after that, you go into the sunset and live happily ever after. 

Lupita: Now, being marriage material was not a problem for Sirry. 

Sirry: I don’t say this to brag or whatever, but I was one of the most sought-after kids in church. I was smart, I was fun to be around, and I spent a lot of time taking care of my mom. She was in a wheelchair. And so, I’m very womanly. I’m wife material. I can take care of a family. I had like so many people going to the pastor to say, “Oh, we wanted to get married to Sirry.”

Lupita: But she needed a man who would check a lot of boxes. 

Sirry: I wanted everybody to say, “That’s why she was waiting. This is a fine, fine man.” I said no to so many people. 

Lupita: The more no’s she gave out, the harder it was to say yes to somebody. 

Sirry: I wanted that like, “Oh, my God, we see why you said no to everyone else.” I wanted somebody who was like eloquent. I wanted somebody who was tall. 

I wanted Barack Obama. 

There was this guy who was really, really nice. Let’s fake name him Barack. Let’s go with Barack. He was in the same church that I went to in the university. He is a handsome guy. He looked nice. He did well in school, he had plans about his life, but he didn’t seem interested in me. So, I had to find a way to make him interested in me. I noticed that he liked football or soccer. And so, I started going to the games that he would play in. I was like, “Barack, Barack.” I was super excited. I made myself visible to him. I’ll bring him water. I would laugh at his jokes. He came and told me that he’s been praying for a wife and God is like sending him my direction. 

Barack is the perfect candidate. Polite, pleasant, and most importantly, chaste. 

Sirry: He was conservative enough to not have this long-extended period of dating where we might then want to have sex. The entire time in our courtship, which was about a year and a half, almost two years, most of our interactions were around church. We would meet and plan youth things in the youth group or the youth ministry. 

Lupita: And it helped that Barack knew about her desire to leave Cameroon and was even supportive. 

Sirry: I had taken the graduate record exams. I had applied to schools. Barack knew that I was considering going abroad to study, and he was excited for me about that. He was just like, “Okay, good. If this is what you want, that’s fine.” He’s not fighting me. 

This is okay, this is doable. I can talk myself into actually getting married and settling down with him. 

Lupita: But as the relationship became more serious, Barack’s imperfections finally started to come into focus. 

Sirry: One day, he came to the house, but I was writing. So, I came out and I said hello to him. He was in the living room, and I said I’ll be back. I asked somebody at home to give him food. 

I came back after he had done eating, and he looked at me and he said, “You don’t really know how to treat a husband, do you? Instead of you coming to sit with me, you focused on whatever it was that you were doing. You didn’t bring me food. You asked someone else to give me food.” 

And he said, “Well, it’s not that I’m blaming you. It’s just that you didn’t grow up with your father and your mother in the same house to see how women are supposed to treat men and learn from it. So, now you don’t know, but it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” 

I remember being so pissed off. 

Lupita: But everyone gets a little pissed off at their partner sometimes, right? That’s what Sirry thought. After all, Barack was still her ticket to safety. So, she pushed through. 

Sirry: One Sunday after church, we walked back to a park and we sat there. And then he said that he had been praying, and he asked if I would marry him. 

[hopeful music]

I felt a sense of satisfaction when he said that. I am going to have this man right next to me. So, I was happy, and I told him that I would think about it and that I would pray about it. 

I spoke to people about it. Two or three weeks after that, I saw him in church and I said the answer was a yes. And I think, honestly, a part of me thought that I was going to somehow eventually be okay, not happy, but be like, okay, marrying him and figuring out my sexuality while I was married to him. I don’t know. 

Part of me thought that I was going to make it work somehow. There were moments where I felt tremendous guilt. He doesn’t know that I’m gay, and I would actually talk myself out of feeling guilty by saying my other option would be that people would kill me if I was just honest and came out. 

I’m doing what is right for me. 

Lupita: This self-talk was working for Sirry. When they had to step into the courthouse and make it official, she was feeling good. 

Sirry: We did the civil ceremony, which was the court signing. We were both wearing boubous. His was like an agbada-type boubou, light lemonish-green and yellow. I love yellow. Yellow is one of my favorite colors. We look beautiful. The marriage certificate has a picture of us together with our heads touching each other. As I signed the marriage certificate, it felt real in some ways, but it didn’t feel as real to me as the magistrate at the court who performed the ceremony said, “You may kiss the bride.” And so, people were like, “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.” 

I stood there frightened out of my life. I actually thought that he was going to kiss me on my lips, and what am I going to do in front of all these people? He was also like, “I don’t know if I should do this. I can’t do this, because we’ve not had a wedding in church.” 

But instead, he gave me a peck on the cheek. And I felt relief. This is as far as he’s going to go, so. But at the same time, I knew that there was a time when that would not be as far as he would go. 

I can’t marry this man, but I didn’t know how– how to not marry him without really being awful and being a jerk. 

Lupita: In the weeks between the courthouse ceremony and the church wedding, Sirry was not feeling the same excitement that everybody around her was. 

Sirry: The three, four days leading to the wedding, most of the food preparation was done by our friends and family members. They had corn, they had rice, they had cocoyams to make achu. We had different kinds of fufus, corn fufu, cassava fufu. And I didn’t really have anything else to do, so I had a lot of time to sit with my feelings and to really think about, “So, I’m really getting married.” What happens when I walk out of that church as somebody’s wife? 

I tried as much as possible to put that behind me by listening to music, perfecting my dance for the ceremony. I dance as a source of my own joy and as a stress relief. Zaiko music, Makossa. I was looking forward to the dance more than anything else. 

Lupita: Sirry could see a future version of herself smiling her way through decades of marriage for everyone else’s happiness. She wasn’t sure she could bear it after all. So, she decided to talk to Barack, whether it was to hold off on the wedding or cancel it completely. She didn’t know. All she knew was that she needed everything to just… slow down. 

Sirry: It was two nights before the church wedding. We were just walking on campus and talking about the last-minute wedding things, food, clothes. And then I had a conversation with him saying that I was nervous. I literally had a list of things that were bothering me. My hopes were, if I brought up all of those things, he was going to say, “We have a lot of things to work on, so let’s pause with the wedding and work on those things.”

Lupita: But everything Sirry brought up, Barack was stubbornly willing to work through. So, she told him the only thing she thought was sure would end their marriage before it could even really start. 

Sirry: I said, “Well, the other thing that I’m really thinking about is that I don’t really know. Sometimes I think that I might be a lesbian, but I don’t really think I am, because how can I be right? I don’t know what that means if we get married, and then I find out that I’m interested in women.” 

And he said, “Yes, but you’re not. You’re a child of God.” Eventually he kept saying, even if I was a lesbian, it would have gone away if I got married to him, because what else would I have needed? I would have already been married to him, so that would have fixed it. I remember saying to him, “But I wouldn’t desire you the way that you desire me. You deserve somebody who desires you the way that you desire me. Don’t you think that you deserve that?” And he said to me that I should talk to a counselor, and that we can work it through.

Lupita: Barack said goodnight to Sirry, who spent the rest of the night feeling more trapped than ever. 

Sirry: The day before the wedding, I remember I looked at that dress. It was a white wedding dress. It covered my body significantly because I had to look pious and holy. Looking at the dress made me feel terrified, because it symbolized for me the end of my freedom. It symbolized that I was going to start living a life that I would be more unhappy than I already was, living the lie that I was getting married to this man. 

The shoes, on the other hand, I wore them happily, even though I didn’t really like heels that hurt my feet. But I wore them because I liked the giver.

Lupita: Elizabeth, Sirry’s friend from college, was still very much in her life. She wanted to bring her a gift for her wedding day. 

Sirry: The day that Elizabeth gave me the shoes, she said, it wasn’t really my style because they were heels and whatnot, but that they looked really beautiful. I look beautiful in them. She apologized that she wasn’t going to be there at the wedding. Reiterated about how my happiness was really, really important. Wished me well. We hugged and then we kissed. I don’t know what she felt like, how she felt like. She didn’t say anything. But I remember she saying she’ll call me when she came back, when she got back to town. 

Lupita: Sirry watched Elizabeth leave, taking her warm glow of happiness with her. 

Sirry: I think that just comparing my feelings and my relationship with Barack to my friendship with Elizabeth told me that I could get more. 

Lupita: Okay, stay tuned. We’ll have more for you after the break. 

You’re listening to Mind Your Own. Where were we? 

Sirry: So, on the day of the wedding, it was like a sunny day. My mom has this thing that she always says, “Blessed is the bride that the sun shines upon.” Wedding was supposed to be at 03:00 PM. I got dressed up. Maid of honor got dressed up. I got into the Mercedes. The Mercedes is all decorated. Just me and the maid of honor. 

And we got to church. I hear people and they were singing. People were singing. I could hear the praise and they were singing and dancing and everybody was there. Tons of cars parked. My mom was there. My younger brother was there. It was all loud outside, but quiet for me. Like, I remember this dead silence in my head and I just thought that I was nowhere. 

My maid of honor shook me and said, “Hey, we got to get out now. We got to get out and go in.” In that moment I thought, after this they are going to say, we are husband and wife. And I just felt this like fright. I looked at her and I said, “I cannot go in there.” 

As soon as I had decisively said I wasn’t getting out of that car and walking into the church, I felt like I’m in a cold shower on a hot, sunny day. And it just felt good. I told the driver, I said, “Let’s go.” The driver is like, “Go where?” I said, “Anywhere.” The driver is like, “I am not going.” He thought that his Mercedes would now become stigmatized. The wedding transportation service where brides run away, where he takes brides, he’s like, “I’m not going to put my reputation through that. Just go in. You can just go in. Divorce later,” was what he said. And I have a lot of gratitude for this friend. In that moment, she was very supportive and she was like, “All right, let’s get out.” [car door opens]

There were a couple of ushers standing outside. I remember them looking kind of lost, like, “Where are they going?” Flagged a taxi, shoved me in the taxi with my dress, and she’s all dressed up. The taxi driver said, “I want to ask but I’m not going to. Why are you not in a regular wedding car?” And I said, “You said you were not going to ask, so don’t ask.” 

I remember in the taxi feeling like I could sing. I just felt like I’m done with this. Like, this is all done. And so, my friend was like scared. She was like, “This is a big thing.” And I was just like, “Oh, my God, I’m so glad.” I did not feel an iota of guilt, which, am I a good person? I don’t know. I literally felt so relieved. We went to her auntie’s mother’s house. When we went to this auntie’s house, she laughed about it. She thought it was a TV drama playing out in real time in her house. So, that night, I’m in auntie’s house and I had to talk to Barack. I had to tell him what’s going on. He was trying to call me. I had so many missed calls from him. 

So, I called him. He was very sad. He said that I had disgraced him. What is he going to say to his family? What is he going to say to his friends? He asked me what he had ever done to me that caused me to treat him like that. He kept saying, “Why didn’t you want me? Why did you not tell me a long time ago that you didn’t want me? When did you know that you didn’t want me?” And I remember just being quiet. 

I called Elizabeth that night as well and I told her that I wasn’t able to go through with the wedding, because I know for a fact that I would be unhappy, and I know for a fact that I do not love Barack, but I don’t know what the next steps would look like. Her response was that she’s really proud of me, but we have to figure out, Barack and I have to figure out how to work through this. I was quite honestly shocked. 

Lupita: The marriage plot was officially a bust. Not only was Sirry still not married, she had more eyes on her than ever. 

Sirry: I didn’t show up for the wedding. I gave somebody my word. I gave a lot of people my word. In fact, I gave a community my word, and then I didn’t follow through. And so, people were talking to my mom and making her feel bad. Why did my mom not raise me up right, so that if I said yes to a proposal, why did I not follow through? I think that was the part that made me feel really sad because my mom had to bear the burden of my decisions. 

Lupita: But one month later, Sirry had a stroke of luck. 

Sirry: I got a letter saying that I was accepted into the master’s program, and here is a form, an I-20 form. So, I took that form and applied for a visa. I was fortunate to get a visa. And a week after I got a visa, I was out of Cameroon. 

Lupita: In August 2006, Sirry landed in the US. And after she did, she made sure her marriage with Barack was over. She signed an annulment, returned the bride price through Western Union and tried to move on. 

Sirry: I was still actually, of course, getting all of the messages from home about how bad a person I was. When people called off their engagements or when they said I wanted to go to school, that was the Sirry syndrome. Like, “You’re doing what that Sirry did.” 

I had a phone call from this woman, told me that she had broken off an engagement. Didn’t know her, hadn’t met her, but the entire city was talking about how I got to her. I told her that it’s what she should do. People were going over to my mom to complain, and I was calling people to explain how I don’t even know this person. They never talked to me. At some point, I just – I owned it. I was like, “Good for them.” They should say – no, they should make a disease out of me, because I did that. It was gratifying. I was like, “My work here is done.”

Lupita: In this new place, Sirry could be free from the expectations she was so used to feeling. She just wanted a chance at the happiness she felt with Elizabeth, and now she had the freedom to explore it and grab it for herself. 

Sirry: I’m out. I’m in a new country. I can reinvent myself somewhat. 

Lupita: Over the next few years, Sirry did exactly that. She got comfortable being out. She hit up gay bars and even dated here and there. And then, one day…

Sirry: I put up an ad on Craigslist and I said, “I’m new to Minneapolis. I am a lesbian, and I’m looking for friends, and I would potentially be open for something more.” And Kim responded. She was the first response that I got. 

We went out on a couple of dates and eventually started dating. There was something about her confidence and her courage that inspired me. It was different from Barack in the sense that I was able to be who I was. I was able to have a broad range of interests and I had support from her family. Five months after we were dating, she had some issue with her living situation. We said, oh, we’ll move into a place together. We talked about it. “Is it too fast?” “It’s probably too fast.” “Do we want to do it?” Yes, we did. 

Lupita: One December evening, Kim popped the question. And Sirry said yes. 

Sirry: We planned to have a civil signing in Iowa where our marriage was legal. We got there, and the judge was there, and the judge said, there had to be two adult witnesses. We only had one adult witness, Kim’s sister. I remember both Kim and I freaking out like, “Oh, we are not going to be able to get married.” 

We are in Iowa. It’s a lesbian marriage. It’s a generally more conservative place. We are not going to stop strangers on the road. 

I said, “Look, we should call the church.” If we find a gay affirming church, people are going to be there on a Sunday morning, they are going to be in church. 

Lupita: Sirry searched online and found a pastor who was willing to help. Minutes later, the pastor’s wife and an elder were enroute to the courthouse. 

Sirry: These two women showed up. They came with flowers, a card, and champagne, and signed. Kim was crying the entire time. I just was shocked. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was living my life in integrity. I felt happy. At the wedding, we danced, but it wasn’t– it was okay. We danced, but– oh, man, it was a laid back, nice little midwestern dance. It wasn’t my dance. 

Lupita: It was a nice dance though. Not perfect, but Sirry could get past that. Kim was confident, passionate, exciting, so much of what she wanted in a partner. And that this marriage was even possible was still hard for Sirry to believe. 

Sirry: I was married to a woman, and I never thought in my life that I’ll be married to a woman. My mom had come around. My mom came and lived with us. Both of our families loved us. 

Lupita: And that’s why it was so tough to acknowledge the little things that weren’t working, the little things that were starting to add up. 

Sirry: I think I began to see cracks in the relationship when, in a lot of ways, the things that we cared about didn’t really align. I was worried. I thought that we were doing tons of arguing as opposed to actually living. 

Lupita: Sirry needed some advice, so she talked to a friend.

Sirry: A good friend’s aunt. She’s also a gay woman and she’s been married for years. We were having lunch, and I told her that I was having a little bit of a hard time. She said, “You know, we’ve struggled enough to be able to have families that are recognized. We’ve struggled a lot to be able to get married, and it’s really important that we are able to make our marriages work.” And I said to her, I said, “So, let me ask you, would you rather be married or would you rather be happy?” And she said, “What’s your answer?” 

And I said, “I would rather be happy.” And she said, “Married.” 

We went to therapy. After the first session, the therapist looked me in the eyes and said, “Sirry, why don’t you just tell her that it’s over that you don’t want to do this anymore? Why waste your time, my time, everyone else’s time, where it seems like you’ve already decided in your head?” 

And it hit me that I really have decided in my head that I don’t want this to work and I’m just doing this because she’s asking for it. 

Lupita: Kim and Sirry filed for divorce, leaving Sirry to focus on herself. 

Sirry: In very classic lesbian style, we stayed in the same house for maybe eight or nine months. But she was dating someone else. I was talking with people on the internet and figuring out what I wanted to do. 

I don’t want to be married. I needed to just take care of my own life and my own self. I wanted to live my life outside of her, and outside of anybody, for that matter. 

[pensive music]

Lupita: I thought I would be married by 21. I had that pressure on myself. I remember telling my teenage boyfriend, “Yeah, I intend to be married at 21.” He was like, “I don’t intend to be married until I’m over 30.” And I was like, “Well, this relationship is going nowhere.” [laughs] And so, to even feel that pressure for yourself, that’s part of the problem, because we’re kind of like programmed to think this is the only way of doing things, so you feel less than when those chips are not falling in place. 

But you know what? It’s okay to be late on your own plan. It’s also okay to change your plan. There is meaning, joy, and purpose that can exist within you in more than one way. 

Thank you, Sirry, for telling your story. She’s currently a professor, focusing on medical health and sociology. To learn about her work, check out our show notes. 

And thanks for listening. It’s been really good to have you. I enjoyed going with you to Buea. We tried on some beautiful shoes that kind of hurt, walked towards the aisle, and then we ran for the hills. Being free, oh, it feels so good. 

You know what else feels good? Being able to share all these incredible stories with you. For those of you who have been with us from the beginning, thank you so much for jumping on this train and seeing it to its first destination. And for those of you who jumped on a little late [laughs] or jumped on and jumped off and came back, thank you too. I hope that it has brought you joy, given you something to think about, giving you something to debate, or just been great company. 

The thought of having people from all over the world sitting in African perspective, it’s dope. I think it’s really dope and I hope other people think that too. [laughs] This project is only as strong as the partners I have chosen to work with. And if it shines, it is solely because they understood the assignment. I want to take this opportunity to thank our story scouts who kept going until they found unique, quirky, profound stories to share with us. To the producers, I have been floored [laughs] by what you have done with these stories. Thank you for your leadership.

The musicians, hey, every story you heard in this podcast was scored by someone from the African diaspora. That is amazing. And I have so much love and gratitude for all the storytellers who shared their stories, who gave us their stories to share with the world. 

For everyone who touched this project, I would like you to know that you have touched me and I hope that this is exponential for you. 

We’ll see you the next time you Mind Your Own. 

Until then, here’s a song from the continent: I Saw An Angel On The Roof & Wept by Somadina.

[I Saw An Angel On The Roof & Wept by Somadina playing]

[Mind Your Own theme song playing]

Lupita: Mind Your Own is hosted and produced by me, Lupita Nyong’o. This is a production of Snap Studios at KQED, with sales and distribution by Lemonada Media. 

The executive producers are Glynn Washington and Mark Ristich. Our managing editor is Regina Bediako. Our director of production is Marisa Dodge.

Original music in my story, “It’s in His Kiss,” was by Nyokabi Kariũki, with additional production from Clay Xavier. The story “Love and Marriage” was produced by David Exumé with Sirry Alang. Original music by Niecy Blues. Additional music and production from Lauryn Newson. 

Our Mind Your Own producers are David Exumé and Priscilla Alabi. Our story scouts are Ashley Okwuosa, Fiona Nyong’o, Jessica Kariisa, and Lesedi Oluko Moche. Our editors are Nancy Lopez and Anna Sussman. Our story consultant is John Fecile. Engineering by Miles Lassi. Our music supervisor is Sandra Lawson-Ndu, also known as Sandu Ndu. She also created the Mind Your Own theme song with Peachcurls, featuring vocals from Ehiorobo. 

Graphic design by Jemimah Ekeh. Original artwork by Mateus Sithole.

Special thanks to Allan Coye, Jake Kleinberg, Samara Still, Sarah Yoo, Warner Music Group, and Afripods.

Make sure to follow Mind Your Own and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

There’s even more to love with Lemonada Premium. Subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content from across the network for only $4.99 a month. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts.

Now go out, and get together, and mind your own… happiness.

[Mind Your Own theme song]

[Transcript provided by SpeechDocs Podcast Transcription]