Lindsey & Melissa: When You Get Lost at the Sex Party
Lindsey and Melissa first became besties after a nice-ass compliment. Now, they share everything with each other — including a house with Lindsey’s fiancé. Talking with Melissa about everything from play parties to the best time of day for sex, Lindsey picks up where her Clit Talk co-hosts Madison and Katie left off.
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What would you say is the number one thing that makes sex good for you?
I would say I would actually say like intimacy and connectedness, like actually listening. Yeah. Like I like people to be. I like it to be like very present.
I also like big muscles, but
You also like big other things. Hi, my name is Lindsey. I am an intimacy coach, pleasure researcher, and host of the clit talk podcast, and my pronouns are she/her.
Hi, I’m Melissa. And my pronouns are she/her.
Melissa and I have been friends for seven lifetimes. And we’ve been friends for oh my god, oh, six, seven years, I think seven years. And you’re listening to good sex. So Melissa, and I actually met in a very corporate leadership training program. And I would say we had a friend crush on each other. I always thought she was cool. I think she thought I was cool. And something came over me and I just walked over to her and I said, your ass looks fantastic in that dress.
Which is somehow exactly what I needed to hear. Like, and from her. It wouldn’t look differently if it was from someone else. But it was like, I got this.
Yeah. And from that moment, we were like, we’re gonna be friends. We’re gonna be best friends. And now we all live together. We lived in a condo through the lockdown. After that, we’re like, we need a yard. So she just got a house in that Los Angeles area. And now we live together with my fiancé, which has been a whole new, interesting experience. Now all three of us live together. I’m pretty sure neighbors think we’re polyamorous. Yeah. Melissa is my soulmate in this lifetime. One of them. You know, my fiancé is another one.
Yeah, I think I would add that, you know, when I first after the moment in the conference room, when Lindsay and I first started hanging out, I just felt super two things like just felt like super comfortable with her. Like, I feel like I could like sit on a couch and like just kind of like lie across her. And it felt like normal, almost like how sisters would be like, before we even knew each other before we had that much relatedness now, and I also just felt like really cold to like, be with her. Like she was going through a breakup and I was like, there’s no way she’s gonna go down on my watch.
Yeah, and you did not let me go down, you took me to Burning Man instead. You ready to talk about sex, Melissa?
Let’s do it. So Lindsey, I know that in past relationships, you’ve experimented with non-monogamy. And now that you’re engaged, like how do you feel about that today?
Yeah, so my non-monogamy story, so I was in a relationship with a man I thought I was gonna marry. And it’s so cliche he went to Vegas, cheated on me, came home and basically demanded we start going to sex parties and try non-monogamy and told me that he wasn’t monogamous person. And I was already working on clit talk at the time. And so I said to myself, You know what, I’m an open person. And I danced on the Kinsey scale, meaning I’m interested in women, I’m a little bisexual. So maybe this like I, you know, wrapped my brain around it, it was still sort of a traumatic entrance into it. But it was a lot of fun. It was super naughty. It you know, it scratched my kinks. I don’t recommend entering in a traumatic way that way. But with our friend group, you know, we have almost all of our friends are polyamorous. And all of our friends are really I would say that we have a sex positive friend group, which is really cool because we could just talk honestly, about things with them. My partner and I have had experiences mostly with other men, not him but me. He’s been very generous with me because of my trauma from my past relationship and just been really patient with me. You know, sugar Madison, who is on a different episode of this, she’s the Poly Princess her and her husband are in an ethically non-monogamous marriage. They have like other lovers; they go on dates like that makes me want to throw up honestly. But you know, took them a progression to get to that point. But for me, you know, I’m cool with the occasional threesome if I’m being honest, I don’t have, we don’t have kids yet. I don’t know how I’m gonna feel when I’m a mom. I don’t know if it’ll change. I don’t know if it won’t change. But, you know, typically, if you read, have you ever had sex at dawn?
No, but I’ve heard you talk about it.
Yeah, it’s a really dense book. But there’s a lot of science behind that, you know, monogamy can be perceived as unnatural now, in the current paradigm of the world, it makes sense. But I, you know, the craziest part about non-monogamy is, you think the moment you watch the person you love, have sex with another person, you’re gonna die, or like something bad is gonna happen. And that’s not the craziest part. Like, once it happened, it really wasn’t a big deal for me and my last relationship. Now, I haven’t done it with my current fiancé. So I don’t know how that would make me feel. But it’s not as crazy as you think it was actually pretty hot. And I think that if you are going to explore that type of lifestyle, though, you have got you and your partner have got to really be willing to be in a lot of communication. There’s a lot of communication involved, a lot of emotions can come up and you have to be with a partner that’s willing to process those if you’re with a partner that’s like deal with it on your own, which is what my ex said to me. That’s, I don’t think it’s a healthy situation. But I’d be willing to try. So, what’s your craziest sexcapades story?
What is my craziest sexcapades story? I feel like for me, and this might be different for people who do this more often, but like going to a sex party, and like definitely like the wildest, you get a lot like a lot of a lot of firsts happen in like one night. That’s how it was for me.
It was like, wow, you came to the sex party that I threw.
Yeah. And I ended up I ended up like hooking up with a guy who was 20, more than 20 years younger than me. So actually was pursuing me at the party that was wild.
The puppy dog, we call them the puppy. Puppy dog. He’s very sweet. I just remember my friend who wanted to hook up and she came up to me and he was like, I’ve been looking for Melissa. And I found her she’s in the shower, getting whipped by some guy for the last 20 minutes.
That was one of the first like getting whipped by someone I’d ever met in the shower with a bunch of people watching. I was the star of the show. But it was, you know, it’s funny, like going into that party. I was nervous. I’d never I was like; I don’t know if this is for me. Like, I don’t know if I’m that wild or whatever. And I wasn’t sure how it was gonna feel. And I came out of that party, feeling super honored and empowered, and really like, as a woman, and then maybe for men too. But like I could really do whatever I want or not to whenever I want. I feel very honored at that party.
Well, and I would say like, especially the parties that I throw or that I participate in, I think there’s a lot of misconceptions. People just think like, oh, guys are grabbing you. No, no, no, there’s this thing called consent. And it’s taken very seriously at parties like that we actually had security and was like, If you see anyone violating consent, and consent means asking permission for anything, even to grab someone’s waist or their shoulder. It’s like you don’t touch unless you ask. And so I found that these parties I actually feel much more respected than if you go to a regular bar, and there’s some drunk guy just all over you. You know, like when men are trained and consent. It is so sexy.
All right. So I want you to tell me about your sex life through the decades.
I would say that sex through the decades has been very different for me as I’ve gone along, I started to feel more like I’m going to do whatever I feel like doing like, why is anyone telling me how I should or shouldn’t be around sex? Yeah, like totally some? Yeah. Like, why are some people saying oh my gosh, no, you should wait X amount of time or whatever. Like, it’s just like as, as a woman who feels pretty empowered in like the rest of my life in my career, and a lot of the things that I’m up to, it felt weird for me to feel like I had to subscribe to a certain way of being around that. So in my 30s, is when I started being like, I don’t know, this isn’t this was, I don’t even get angry about like those types of just like opinions and ideas that people had around it. Yeah, but my 30s I would say it’s probably the most challenging time for me around sex because I very much wanted to find my partner. And so I didn’t really separate sex from someone who could potentially like. Basically, if I’d have sex with someone, I’d be like, Okay, let’s try to make this guy into my guy, like my husband. It was immediately first question is, are we going to date? What does this mean? Was it the right thing that is what does he think now that this has happened like, and I got really, like, caught up in it. And I was hard on myself too, because I would feel like I did something wrong. Like, oh, I shouldn’t have slept with him so soon. Or I’ve had times where I’ve had times in my 30s, where I’m like, oh, I should have slept with him sooner. You know, but I was always like, mad at myself. Like, I messed it up somehow.
There’s so many rules, right? It’s like, I’ve heard that, like, don’t sleep with a guy for 10 dates or like sleep with him on the third date. I mean, I have to be honest. I usually sleep with people the first date.
I mean, my rule is I sleep with them exactly when I want to sleep with them. Like, yeah, exactly what’s not before, not after? Just do what I’m called to do. And but I will say this. So being in my 40s, and now being like, towards the second half of the decade, I do feel number one more like higher sex drive, for sure. Yeah, I do. But the distinct difference is that now I do not couple sex with relationships. Like I can see some of you like I would sleep with that guy. But that does not mean that I want to date that person. And that never really I know it for some girls, I think it happens earlier didn’t really start happening for me until my 40s. And it keeps getting even, like more distinct, the older I get into my 40s Now, now we start having questions like, Do I even want a partner? You know, I think I do. But I never would have even thought to question that in my 30s. And for me to be happy, I need to like really listen to what I want.
That’s something that I came to as well. I just got engaged, you know that. I’m going to be 37 in December. And, you know, I think that society gives you the timeline, right? That you should be on but I have to be honest, I’m glad I waited because had I married past relationships, I wouldn’t be having the sex I’m having now. I feel like I, for me personally, I wasn’t sexually empowered enough to know the kind of sex I wanted till I was in my like mid-30s for myself, and I’m so grateful for all the sexual experiences I had to know what I have with my fiancé now like I don’t regret it. I don’t regret lots of sledding.
So now that you’re in a committed relationship, what do you do when one person wants to have sex and the other one doesn’t?
So this is the story of my life, kind of with my fiancée. I am a night sex person. He is a morning sex person. He works in television. So he gets up at like 4:30 in the morning to go to work. So that’s out for us during the week, right? And then he’s too tired. We’re basically like two ships passing in the night. Again, it’s like people think because I have this podcast called click talk that I’m just having nonstop sex, lately, that hasn’t been the case. You know, when he was he took it like a hiatus for a while we’re having a lot more sex. You know, there’s a couple of things about that. My mom actually gave me some really incredible advice about this. My mom’s advice was, it doesn’t have to be about both partners every time. You can take times where it’s about one partner like what like it’ll be about him one time, I’ll wake up in the morning. It’s not my favorite thing to do. But I know he loves it. His testosterone is super high. He’s has the most energy. So we’ll do it in the morning. Because I love him. And I just put a little lube on there and we go for it. We just have like a quickie and like he’s happy. And then there’s other times we’re, you know, it’s nighttime and he’s a little tired. I’m like, we just go down to me and he will. So it doesn’t have to be about both partners every time I think especially in a sustainable relationship. You’ve got to be good giving in game and meet your partner where they’re at.
Right. Real quick. Just want to chime in. I actually think that that’s great advice, even for people that are not in relationship. Actually, just recently, there is a guy that I was like hooking up with and like I said to him at one point, you know, both people want to try to get the other one off. Right. And like I remember like he was like it was taking him a little while and I said to him like don’t feel pressured, like we don’t have to like not everyone has to orgasm for this to be great, right? I’m having a great time. No matter what happens even if we just shift to cuddling. Like that’s cool too.
Yeah, it’s not always about the orgasm. Take the orgasm off the table. take that pressure away, right? I love that. And I think that if both partners come in with that kind of a commitment, it can really transform your sex life, whether it be dating, like short term or long term, like being good. Giving a game, I think is one of the sexiest things you can do for another person. So, I would say at this point, you are an expert in knowing how to have sexual chemistry with someone right away, so how do you because you can tell him the first date? I know this about you, you like the sexual chemistry? Is that there? So how can you tell? And what advice do you have to people who are out there that want really good sexual chemistry with someone.
So I can only speak from my personal experience. But my experiences and this might have to do with something that I’m in like, my fourth decade, maybe in my 40s has started getting like to develop stronger, but I feel like I now will meet I can meet someone and immediately be like, Oh, my God, I’m into that guy. Like, I would sleep with that guy, right? Sometimes, like, immediately. It’s, it’s rare. Yeah. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I will or I should or whatever. But there are certain men that I meet that I’m like, oh, yeah, down, right? It’s like a message. No. And in fact, I have kind of a funny story about this. I was recently on a, like a television program. And there was like this, which I’ve never done before first time ever. And there was this filming going on. And there was a guy like an actor who was like this kind of like older, like seven year old guy, like not the normal type of guy that I would be attracted to at all. But when I walked out on stage and saw him, I was like, oh, my gosh, I would totally sleep at that guy. And I was like, that’s weird. And oh, my God, that’s unexpected.
I mean, I don’t think that’s weird at all, you know that I’ve got a daddy thing. So speaking of the different decades that we were talking about, that’s one of the things that really, you know, from, you know, hosting a sex podcast probably helped as well. But really letting go of my shame around my kinks, right, like, I’ve got a daddy fetish. I’ll be honest about it. I’m a kinky, kinky bitch. And, you know, being able to admit that and talk openly about it has made such a difference for me, because I used to keep my fantasies hidden. And I’m what you call like a cerebral kink. So there’s the kinky that everybody thinks about, like, the bondage and the whips like no, I don’t want to be in pain, but I’m down for some serious roleplay so fucking a 70 year old famous person sounds fun to me.
Like what type of roleplay stuff do you get up to with your fiancé?
So one of our favorites is I’m like the babysitter. And he’s like the dad coming home and he catches me looking at porn on his computer. Like, you know. I’m 18 and the fantasy obviously. You know what, though? You I mean, you know this, but I did kind of act out my fantasy in real life, though. When I was in college. I was 19 and I fully seduced my college professor. I got an A in the class. That’s okay. Thank you for listening to GOOD SEX.
GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media Original. The show was produced by Kegan Zema and Dani Matias our supervising producer is Xorje Olivares. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad and APM music. If you like GOOD SEX, please rate and review us. Listen and follow for new episodes each week, wherever you’re listening right now. And if you want more good sex, subscribe to Lemonada Premium for some quickies additional conversations between our guests only on Apple podcasts.