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Comedian and host of You Made It Weird Pete Holmes joins Sam for an impromptu relationship podcast. Pete talks about the importance of choice of partner, and how the real test is to see if you and your partner would edit a movie in the same way. They talk about choosing to be alone in order to learn how to later be in a relationship, why Pete chooses to tour just once a month, and how he knows when he’s ready to film a new standup special. They also talk about the magic of seeing yourself on the big screen and how it never gets old for Pete’s dad. His new film, THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER, is available to Buy Today, Watch Instantly.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Samantha Bee, Pete Holmes

Samantha Bee  00:39

It is so easy to say that everything is bad right now and then when you didn’t think things could get any worse, it all of a sudden, gets dark at like 11am it is not ideal, and for a lot of us, it feels like the problems we’re facing are beyond our control. There is a big world out there, and like four billionaires and one brain worm control it all, but we can still try to control our personal lives and our own little immediate worlds with intentional choices. And going into the holiday season and the new year, one of those choices that can shake things up a bit is to end relationships that just are not working for you. Maybe it’s a romantic relationship and those can be so difficult to end it is scary to choose to be alone, or to choose to be financially independent, or maybe it is a friendship that just isn’t working for you, that you need to and, or a job that you need to get away from, or a gym membership to get out of, or even your regular coffee order. If something is not working for you. I hope you can try to start fresh next year, because choosing to end something is the first step to starting something new. Let that be your project in 2025 project, 2025 has such a nice ring to it. Ah, why does it sound so familiar and ominous?

 

Samantha Bee  03:18

This is Choice Words. I’m Samantha Bee. My guest today is the incredibly funny Pete Holmes. We kind of inadvertently turned this episode into a relationship podcast. Maybe we should start one of those together. I was so so into it, so I guess happy early Valentine’s Day. So take a listen and make good choices. You I’m really excited to be talking to you.

 

Pete Holmes  03:48

Oh, I know Sam. How will we never met unless we have in which case, let’s start awkward.

 

Samantha Bee  03:53

What does this talk No, I actually think that we never have, I don’t, except that we What are you poor first of all, I want to know what.

 

Pete Holmes  04:00

[…] I’m urine.

 

Samantha Bee  04:02

You’re just in a truck. I’m making a trucker bomb off to the side.

 

Pete Holmes  04:07

Oh, my God, I saw one of those recently. Look at this mug. I’m in a hotel. Yeah, so you’re not in a hotel. You live here now.

 

Samantha Bee  04:17

You live here. You’re gonna be here forever. Let’s make it cozy.

 

Pete Holmes  04:23

There’s not even branding on it.

 

Samantha Bee  04:25

Okay. Where are you? Where you’re traveling. You’re from Canada […]

 

Pete Holmes  04:38

what the rolling in to tell us what’s wrong with our country. I’m so sorry we didn’t we didn’t elect a wild bear to govern us and give us tree medicine and smiles and handshakes. I’m so sorry.

 

Samantha Bee  04:59

When I need surgery. I just put my ear to the ground. I listen to the earth, and it tells me what to do, and that’s healthcare.

 

Pete Holmes  05:07

I had a dream that I was talking to one of my favorite filmmakers. His name is Matt Johnson. He’s out of Toronto, and he was in my dream. I’m just now realizing last night, and I was kind of trying to do a Canadian accent, oh, to him, and and other people were doing it. And I realized we were doing like we were being Ugly Americans, doing like an obvious Canadian, and here you are doing it. That’s the sort of thing that will only be meaningful to me. No, but I just woke up, so it’s kind of weird.

 

Samantha Bee  05:37

Oh, my God. Where the hell are you? Are you encounter me?

 

Pete Holmes  05:44

Just a regular Canadian.

 

Samantha Bee  05:48

Aim Sal to the earth, don’t you? Don’t channel, wait, um, have you? You’ve been to wait. You filmed? Okay, we have.

 

Pete Holmes  05:57

I refuse to answer any questions. I’m in San Diego. Look at this.

 

Samantha Bee  06:01

San Diego. Look at what. Come on.

 

Pete Holmes  06:07

Come on. It’s actually quite cold, but I did a show last night, and I only feel a little bit bad. The plan was to bring my wife and daughter, and then that didn’t work out. And I’m not I’m glad I did the show. I would have done the show, but I feel only a little bit guilty, because my daughter’s six, so I had like, you know, she still climbs in bed in the middle of the night and kicks us and all that sort of stuff. So I had, like, a real uninterrupted, beautiful night’s rest. So there’s a little bit of parental guilt, but val is, my wife is is incredible, and is not upset. I showed her all the pictures, and there are so many dolphins, and she was only happy for me.

 

Samantha Bee  06:52

Oh, my, that was she’s a generous.

 

Pete Holmes  06:55

She’s a joy. She’s not one of us. I meaning that in the best way. I don’t know if you count being from America’s hat.

 

Samantha Bee  07:05

No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be happy if Jason was in San Diego and he said, I’m like, a pot of dolphins came to greet him, and they were like, Jason, welcome.

 

Pete Holmes  07:17

Fans. Yeah, that’s where his fans are burning him for no reason. Oh, that’s where his hands are.

 

Samantha Bee  07:24

They’re under the sea, okay? They’re intelligent undersea creatures.

 

Pete Holmes  07:28

I get recognized scuba diving. Look, I my wife. I could talk. I’ve talked to you this whole time about what an anomaly my wife is. She’s an import, meaning I met her, not in LA, yeah, and then transplanted her. We don’t live in LA anymore, but anyway, she’s not an LA person. And I really love comedians. I’m not giving us any shade here, but like, when you meet a truly Heart of Gold person, yeah, you’re like, Oh, God, I hope that’s what everyone’s doing. You know what I mean? I hope, because that would be enough.

 

Samantha Bee  08:04

It’s hard to try. It’s hard to trust that it’s real, that you’re like, wait a minute, like, what are you doing? Why aren’t you? Why aren’t you more mad about what’s on deadline right now?

 

Pete Holmes  08:14

Yeah, but Valerie’s not a snooze and and sometimes parts of gold types can be snoozes because they don’t want to talk shit about anything.

 

Samantha Bee  08:24

Yeah, talk shit.

 

Pete Holmes  08:26

You got to be able to talk shit. And I need to know being the child of kind of like a crazy, not crazy, but a very confusing childhood. I need to know how people feel, and I need them to say what they mean, and I need them to witness and mirror me and reflect me so I feel heard, so I feel safe, and Val does all of those things. She’s not just like making a pie and wiping off the counter. She’s fierce, she’s funny, she’s talented, but she’s also not. She teaches me to sort of calm down and open my heart and be embodied and like, I’m like, Bigfoot, I’m like, friend, like, I’m learning how to be a friend. Like, not have show business alliances, but actually, like, I’m on a reality show, but like, actually have friendship for its own sake. So she’s like, blossoming my inner reality and my heart and all that good stuff, and then, like, but I’m not like some some idiot. I have value as well. And I’m watching Val see what it can be to be appropriately competitive or focused or driven or take up space. It’s that sort of, I know this isn’t a relationship podcast, but here we are, and I just had my coffee.

 

Samantha Bee  09:41

You know what? I appreciate this. And I’ll say, I’m gonna, I’m gonna add to what you’re saying, because I do think that actually, we don’t talk enough about the the enrichment of great relationships, yeah, and well, then that’s how it should be. Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be. I think we talk a lot, like, kind of culturally about, like, how hard it is. All so hard. And I’m like, it’s not always that hard. Sometimes very nice.

 

Pete Holmes  10:13

Buckle up for barf town, because Valerie and I would put us up as one of the one of the greats. We get along incredibly well. And a lot of it has to do with our similarity, but a lot of it has to do with there’s some dynamism to it, meaning it’s like she’s a hobbit. I would say that if she was here, she’s very she’s amazing. At Christmas, she’s making the house all cozy and nice, and she she plans the dinner, the dinners and and I’m the, again, the Bigfoot. That’s like benefiting from all the smartest thing I do is I agree with Valerie, like, if she wants to go on a trip, my practical brain will be like, why would we do that? That will be stupid, or whatever. Just shut the up and go. And that is, that is my but so she’s a hobbit, and I to flatter myself and stay in The Lord of the Rings. You know, if I really flatter myself, I’d say I’m like a wizard. I’m like Gandalf, really. I’m more like Aragorn, the human. He’s fucking keeping it moving he’s keeping it moving forward. He takes out his torch, and He’s scaring the bad guys away, and he brings home the fucking roast beast. Now I’m mixing metaphors, but like we learn from one another, one of the keys to our relationship is our life is exciting enough that we don’t look for drama in our relationship. So my friend Nate Craig has this great joke about losing all your money in Vegas, and he goes, don’t win it back at the buffet. And I feel like so many people are winning it back at the buffet, meaning their life might not have enough novelty, or even just literally conflict. And you’re unconsciously looking for conflict to like, know who you are and to feel alive, you’d rather be miserable than than not exist. So you’ll pick a fight or whatever it is. And one of the things I love about being a comedian is that, like, right now I’m in San Diego. I did a show. It was kind of weird, it was wild, it was difficult, it was challenging. I had to, you know, move and jive and all this sort of stuff. And therefore, when I go home, it can be just gentle and mutual respect and generosity and and kindness, because we’ve both found like she makes short films and I and I do comedy, and we’ve both found a place to put that intense kinetic energy that needs to go somewhere. And if you don’t, you’re gonna, you’re gonna start being passive aggressive to your partner, for lack of a better place to spend it.

 

Samantha Bee  12:52

This is great. I know that we did not, this is not a relationship based podcast, but my husband and I have, we’ve been married now I have to actually think, but like, together for almost 30 years, wow. Like, dating since 1997 so whatever that is, together since 1997 and like, it’s not like, sexy, it’s not like gets it doesn’t get good press to be like, well, actually, we’ll really make each other laugh. I just like, really make each other laugh.

 

Pete Holmes  13:23

It’s a cliche, but I’m gonna give you a good one. I think there’s two things. One, you should make your partner laugh. I mean, if that’s a value for you, and if that’s not a value for you, I’m not saying that’s insane. There’s some people who are living a different kind of they’re just a different color. For me, I need to laugh. Laughing is the sonar ping out? Going, are you seeing this? Are you afraid? Would you would you like to feel a little bit better? Like, right now? Like, and I need it, and it’s how I interpret the world. And so being with a funny person, my wife is the funniest. I love her. She I say it to her all the time. I’m like, my favorite person, like, I was attracted to my wife. Happens. I still am. Obviously. I’m just saying I was drawn to her physically. And then I was like, What are the chances that the inside of that Cadbury candy bag is also the funniest, smartest, most emotionally brilliant person. But here’s the one. So obviously, be funny is super important. It always makes me want to jump off a cliff when I see things that say, try to laugh once a day. I’m like, let’s, let’s get that to once every five minutes. Please. Like, please. Here’s the one. I can’t wait to give you sale. I’m sorry. I’m just busting to tell you love it. I think in a relationship, you and your partner should edit a movie the same way. So if I gave you the raw footage of a movie, you and your partner should pace it the same way. And I know that sounds kind of crazy, and obviously. You wouldn’t pace it the same way if you did it independently, but if you’re in a room together. And for those of you who haven’t edited a movie, so many of us have, because we have our phones and we’re making little things, but Val and I edited, she was in the edit for so many episodes of my TV show. I’ve watched cuts for short films, and we always go and that’s when it ends, and then that’s the opening shot of the next one. That’s how long it is. So what does that mean? It means when we’re looking at reality and the way we’d like it to be, which is what you’re doing when you’re editing something, we hear the music the same way we’re tuned into the same frequency that if it’s an opening, it’s a morning scene, we’re pizza in this hotel room. We want to see his coffee. We want to see the ocean. We want to see the bed, because it’s messy and maybe didn’t sleep well, how long do we linger on each of those shots? Similar people will have similar guesses on that, because it’s how long you would look at those things, right? It’s how you’re living a frantic person, not my style. Val is like, ah, and that’s how I want to live my life. So when you’re with a person who sees and interprets reality, which you can see in editing, but you can also see in their sense of humor, I think that is the the key to knowing whether or not you’re with the right person.

 

Samantha Bee  16:21

Yeah, it’s like, that’s so I love how you said that. It’s like a frequent it is like a frequency that you’re on, and you kind of, and you, and sometimes you fall out of that frequency, like, for different reasons, but you always kind of, it’s kind of the the undercurrent of your existence together.

 

Pete Holmes  16:37

That’s right, yeah, you can, you can lose the beat, but you’ll come back. It’s like your heartbeat. I think there’s a reason we use heart as the as the image for romance. It’s like our hearts are sort of think we see reality like this. Sometimes you meet somebody and you’re just like, Jesus Christ. Like, what are Who are you for? It’s not me. Like, I don’t even mean romantically. I’m just like, Holy God, you’re having a different and the ratios are off. How much are you thinking? How much are you feeling? How much are you overwhelmed? Are you sense like, Are you a sensory person? Are you a sound person? Are you a words person? And that, and that’s how you kind of either link up or pleasantly don’t link up with somebody, because that can work as well.

 

Samantha Bee  17:21

And I do think that that also the continuum of that goes through parenting as well. Like, if you kind of see the world in the same way, and you’re on that beam together, it feeds your parenting in a very healthy way.

 

Pete Holmes  17:38

And that’s a more relatable and this you know, contributes to your broader appeal.

 

Samantha Bee  17:46

Exactly, and then your and then your Q rating goes like through the roof. Yeah, whatever it is.

 

Pete Holmes  17:52

The roof, Q rating is a weird test they have if TV characters are likable and fun fact. Sorry, the only one I know is in one of the episodes of crashing I performed oral sex on a woman. Obviously, I didn’t really, but it was portrayed, and somebody said, like, your Q rating is gonna go through the roof. That’s the first time I heard of that.

 

Samantha Bee  18:12

Oh, my god.

 

Pete Holmes  18:13

That was like, really? That’s not why we did it anyway. You You just said the more relatable way to understand. I’m saying editing a film that’s kind of weird, not not many.

 

Samantha Bee  18:24

I like it.

 

Pete Holmes  18:25

But when you have a child, what does the house sound like? That’s a short film that’s like a deliberate tone you’re setting. What does the car sound like? What does it sound like when you’re explaining something? And a lot of times when, when children, I think, increase friction. And I don’t just mean by stressing us out. I mean, like, your parenting styles are different. It’s, it’s, it’s really putting the rubber to the road. Like the way you interpret reality and the way you think reality should be is different from the way that I interpret reality and think reality should be, luckily, Val and I interpret reality and think it should be the same thing. So we’ve never, our daughter’s only six, but we’ve never had a parenting and my daughter is the only person that I would you know stomach the discomfort of being like can I talk to you for a second? I’ve never, I’ve never had to do that with Val. She’s such she’s such a gift.

 

Samantha Bee  19:19

Hold that thought, got more Choice Words after one more break.

 

Samantha Bee  22:42

It’s actually kind of, it’s rare to have these types of conversations like it is kind of like a little gift. It’s like a little present that you gave me, because.

 

Pete Holmes  22:50

I love that well, not to be weird, but I love that you were available for it, because that I know we’re supposed to talk about choice, choices.

 

Samantha Bee  22:58

And we kind of are. I think we actually are your choice of partner, or, like, how you choose each other is, actually, it’s a big one.

 

Pete Holmes  23:08

You know, I just, I was listening to this amazing podcast I’ll plug it, called the telepathy tapes, and it’s about how non verbal autistic kids and grown ups are demonstrating, like all these abilities that we don’t understand, and it’s not like an isolated phenomenon. And this is going to sound absurd, or actually, I hope it doesn’t, because you hear about how nonverbal autistic children need a partner. They, I don’t mean a romantic partner. They need another person to help touch their hand, give them a sense of their body of reality, and help them spell, which is how they speak, and it’s like another nervous system. Obviously, that’s what, especially a mother, but a father as well as like to a child. You know you can regulate them before they can regulate but frankly, Sam, I relate to that choosing a partner is like, once you start getting the right nutrients and support that you need, and sometimes it’s embarrassing, I’m like, I have to be real with myself and with Valerie and be like, Look, I just am this way. I am a baby. I’m very sensitive. Sometimes I’ll have this or please just tell me I’m good. Please, just think I’m funny, please. Just whatever it might be. I can’t actually, I’m not blanking. I just can’t quite access it. But I’ll tell Valerie point blank like I’m not proud of it. But these are the ABCs of me. I’ll give you one. Like, if we go to a dinner party, please don’t ignore me. I can’t handle it. I’ll concede that’s 100% my ego, but ego shmigo. He’s along for the ride, and I, because of my childhood, interpret being neglected as death. It’s a complete overreaction. And if you want me to start making like inappropriate jokes, do you. Get your attention, or I’ll phrase it in the positive. If you want to stop me from making inappropriate jokes to get attention like a child, just touch my hand every once in a while, and we talk about that. So going back to the non verbals, the reason why I don’t think this is absurd is these are people. You know what I mean, it’s we think of them as other like, How dare Pete relate to a non verbal autistic person? But I do, I need a whole other person. I need a whole other nervous system to touch me. Literally. The example I gave is touch my hand and tell me I’m here and put me in my body. I have the chills so I don’t vanish at a dinner party. Is very similar to touch my hand so I know where I am in space and so I can speak to you. I don’t see that as, oh, wow, that’s so fucking weird. I’m like, I get it so finding a person that can hold you and express you, and I might even say, heal you, but nourish you certainly right is the hugest choice. And when I wrote down my choices, I had two. One of them was ending a relationship that I was terrified to end. So that was the choice that led to Valerie.

 

Samantha Bee  26:16

That’s a huge choice. That’s a big one. Is that, are you thinking about because we will talk about, I want to, did want to talk about crashing, because that was semi autobiographical. Is that the relationship that you’re talking about?

 

Pete Holmes  26:31

No, that was, no, she ended that, and that was, that was its own grace. I got married when I was 28 No, I’m sorry. 22 sorry. I just made it make more sense. I was 22 when I was 28 she left. That wasn’t my choice. If I could change it, I wouldn’t change it. That would be my sort of thought experiment version of choice. But what ended up happening after my wife and I split, I was 28 I dated. It doesn’t matter. It was like two women, three, three. The third woman I dated after my marriage ended. I about four months into it, knew that it wasn’t right, okay, and I’m sticking around for eight more months. I mean, that’s crazy, and that’s the big choice when I find it took 10 times, because it’s hard to say this, but she she really scared me. She was a very frightening person. I think the words we would use, gaslighting, we might even say, like emotionally kind of fringing on abuse. I certainly felt quarantined one of those relationships where it’s like, I don’t want you having any friends, yeah, you blow up the bridges and you close the tunnels and you bubble you bubble us, and, yeah, I was drinking a lot. I think that had a lot to do with it. I was like 285 pounds. I’m like 235 now, so a lot unhealthy. I Sorry. I’m gonna let you host and ask me what’s interesting about this to you. But it was one of those relationships where I knew I had to get out, but I was and you hear this a lot, or, let’s say you see this on Lifetime a lot, where it’s the woman that’s like talking to her friends, like, how do I get out of this? You don’t understand. I’m scared. But that was me. I was like, I don’t know how to do it.

 

Samantha Bee  28:28

It is very hard to get out of relationships. It is very hard. Did she can I ask? Did she agree with you that together, it just wasn’t really work. Like, was it? I often think it’s so interesting when one person ends a relationship, how often the person is blindsided, but so clearly it was a bad fit and a in an unhealthy relationship, like, why would anyone want to be in it?

 

Pete Holmes  28:54

I agree, from where I was sitting, I was like, I had never fought with anybody in my life, but we’re like, fighting, and a lot of the fights were just her screaming at me because I’m very passive, but that’s still a fight, I guess. Yeah. So to me, I’m like, trying to end it. I was like, Well, clearly we’re not happy, but some people, I think that is normal. I don’t know. I don’t think that was as big of a red flag to her, like, we’re fighting, we’re working things out. I’m like, this doesn’t work for me. This is not what I’m looking for.

 

Samantha Bee  29:25

Did you feel like you were open to your marriage to Val because you were willing to just be alone? You were like, I’d rather be alone, yeah, than live like this, and I just need a clean slate.

 

Pete Holmes  29:40

So this, this sort of rocky relationship, did a lot of things for me which I didn’t realize. We don’t have time to get into what it did. It helped me see my family, my parents, in a clearer way. So when I think of this person, I try to have love for her and think like she sort of broke me out of the prison of my parents, like she was the. She was like a bomb, like she was, she was loud and brassy and wild, and it like shook up my family and made me look at things that I wasn’t looking at that another nice, sweet, kind of tame relationship wouldn’t have done. So it really brought to the forefront stuff that needed to be brought to the forefront once we ended it. And I do want to say, like, the the advice was, just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. That was key, because I kept thinking like, I didn’t want to hurt her. And it was like, well, by being dishonest, you’re actually being way more hurtful. You’re being a psychopath if you’re if you don’t want to be with them, and you’re staying with them to postpone a future hurt. You’re just giving them a lot. It’s like when you win the lottery. You’re taking into monthly sums instead of just just do it, one smaller sum, a more highly taxed sum. Right now, like half the money, but right now, that’s what a breakup is. It’s not a failure. So anyway, yes, after that relationship, and I was feeling very rocked and raw and kind of like, got just a little taste of like, oh, this is what people are saying when, like, you meet somebody, you don’t, you don’t even know who they are. This is some, just some person and and now you’re a meshed, and you might not be compatible in the least. So once we split, I moved and then I lost 50 pounds very, very quickly, and I pledged. I was like, I’m going to be single for a year. Like, I’ll go on dates, but I didn’t say a year. I ended up being single for about a year, but I was like, at least a year. I’m just going to be with me. I’m going to be alone and Sam. The reason why that’s a cliche is because it’s true. Now I’m it’s just me. It’s just me. It’s not a partner saying, Let’s do spring cleaning or it was just me taking care of myself, and that autonomy was huge. I really believe that there was something to that move the universe seems to like a domino effect. It’s like once you start taking up space and saying, I deserve to be in a relationship where I’m not scared and being yelled at and and I want to be safe. I want to be warm. I want to be cared for, and all of that good stuff. Once that happens, your your face relaxes, your body relaxes. You go in for that interview as a person who doesn’t fucking accept a horseshit relationship. And now I’m meeting to write on some show, and I’m that guy. I’m not the defeated guy. I’m the guy that said, Fuck that shit. And that starts a momentum. And then I ended up getting this, this writing show. And while I was doing that, it was, it was on the Warner Brothers lot. I would leave and go and do a set on cone, and then come back, and it was that set on Conan that led to my talk show, and then my talk show, Judd was a fan of it, that led to crashing. And then crashing is when I met, well, I met val a little bit before that I met Val during the talk show. What I’m saying is I’m not one of those people that’s like, go and manifest it. I think that can be harmful to say that people that are stuck in a rut, well, why just manifest something better. But you can have agency. You can claim agency over small, little areas of your life and that action. And I’m not saying we need to zoom out and look at this from like a God’s eye view of the Milky Way, but in the small, in the micro, that movement that that healthier breakfast choice, because I, you know, I had to lose all this weight, that walk, that I would take, that ending that relationship, leads to a different guy that interviews for that job, that gets that job. Now I’m thriving. I have a stability and and I feel more emboldened to to all the things that I did that turned my life around, that opened up my heart and my reality, to meeting somebody like Valerie.

 

Samantha Bee  34:15

There’s more Choice Words in just a moment.

 

Samantha Bee  36:54

Oh, goodness. This is great. I don’t even like, I don’t never listen to relationship things like, I don’t that’s not I only like, if I’m seeking entertainment, it’s always like, news based or like the story about the troubles in Ireland. Like, it’s never just like, I don’t relax into this. Is all of those things, like, delivered by you? Are you?

 

Pete Holmes  37:23

I don’t run to those things either so.

 

Samantha Bee  37:28

It’s a little bit like it’s, I’ve just never heard it articulated so beautifully. It’s like you have to be busy. You have to be an appealing person to for someone to want to partner with, and that means you have to be like a whole person who has, like, a life that is interesting, with or without someone else, that you’re doing something alone or with someone that is like, gives you value and makes you feel confident and good about yourself, like.

 

Pete Holmes  37:58

Right, and then you’re going to a relationship to give not to get you’re going as a place to share. And so many of us, I think, are just like, and it’s not even our fault. It’s sort of the mythology of the Western romance. It’s like this person’s gonna come in my life and fix me and save me and all that shit, I know I said that Val fixes me and saves me and all that shit, but the reason why that’s not a chore or a burden is because I’ve remained and make effort to remain a dynamic and self sufficient person. That doesn’t mean that Val and I aren’t together every second. We’re a PB and J style relationship. We’re not a bento box. You know what? I mean? We’re not I’m not like, oh yeah, Val’s over there. I check in with her every time. We’re, like, hardcore together. We love being together, physically together all the time. We like it. You know, there’s this Carl young quote that haunts me, and I love it. It also comforts me. He says, The greatest burden a parent can put on a child is their own unfulfilled dreams or something like that. And I was like, that’s so correct. I We started this conversation by saying, I’m trying to put wind in Valerie’s sales. She just started the short film thing. She just made her first it’s getting all these awards. It’s really exciting. But like, I’m trying to, like, you know, put air behind her. Put wind behind her. She’s doing that to me. And then those versions of ourselves can have a much healthier relationship.

 

Samantha Bee  39:24

She’s additive to you, but you’re additive to her, like there’s.

 

Pete Holmes  39:28

And then our daughter sees her mom and her dad getting it. And it doesn’t have to be show business. It was funny when I started listing the things that my breakup led to. They’re all like these show business accolades, so you don’t have to be showless as accolades. I think anybody listening would know that I’m not saying, end your relationship and you’ll get TV shows. That was the track I was on anyway. But like, the things you’re after will become more available, I would say you’ll have clearer eyes to see them at the very least.

 

Samantha Bee  40:00

Yes, I think about, sorry, I keep bringing I keep talking about my relationship too, but I’m like, it’s making, it’s all bringing this stuff up. It’s like, and also, one of you will falter, and I feel like, for us, it’s very, I think of like fluid. I think of like, kind of like a liquid or something. So like, when I’m at a lower point, Jason kind of fills in that space where I’m kind of like lower than like we we’re always trying to find equilibrium. But when one is out of equilibrium, the other is kind of like covering that empty that space.

 

Pete Holmes  40:35

We’re off to the autistic it’s like, you filling out. Then I’ll help.

 

Samantha Bee  40:41

Yeah, you help. I help. I’m ahead in this area. Then you pull ahead in this area, like, we’re just filling in each other’s where we’re finding a deficit, or where we’re at a, like, a lower place, or we’re not in physical health, or something like that, because we’ve had, you know, like, health issues come up, and then you’re like, in a low place, the other ones, picks up the kind of like, runs with it. Like, takes the burden of the family stuff, and like makes all the appoint, you know, yeah, it’s like a healthy, just a healthy equilibrium. You’re always trying to find it.

 

Pete Holmes  41:14

That’s exactly.

 

Samantha Bee  41:16

It’s like a safe place. It’s just, it’s a safe place. It’s your like, it’s your safe space for that you can thrive. And it’s, it’s like you’re making, I always think of the Von Trapp Family Singers, not that that’s the perfect analogy, but it’s like a family business, like you’re doing well, I’m doing what, or I’m doing less well. We’re moving forward as a family. No matter what, we’re just moving forward as a family. Do you okay? So, what is your So, are you on a full tour? Like, are you touring? Com? Are you making, are you building another special? Is that what I am working on?

 

Pete Holmes  41:53

It in you are 18 days.

 

Samantha Bee  41:56

Oh, my God, okay.

 

Pete Holmes  41:58

Yeah, which is actually, it’s funny. It is exciting when you say that it should be, like, going out for your driver’s license or something. It should be a nerve wracking thing, but you know, you’re ready to film a special when it’s not a nerve wracking thing. Like, if you’re for comedians, I think if you’re like, Oh no, I’m pulling my special, it’s like, well, maybe you should tour it a few dozen more times if you’re feeling that way, and that’s that’s not me being cocky, because I still have to show up, and I still am, of course, hoping that it goes very well, yeah, and there always are factors that you can’t control, so there’s some humility there, but I’ve done my part. I’ve run it enough times, and I’m actually starting to get bored of it. That’s the other, where you’re like, you need to film it, because the way that I do it is you, you finish your hour, you set the tape date, and then you start going back. You see on the calendar that you’re going to be going back to cities you were already at. So you need to write the new hour. So then you’re doing your old hour half, and then 30 minutes of new and then that becomes 40, and then that becomes an hour. And then when you’re going back to Utah, you’re doing a different show than you were there the last time. So it’s a never ending Bob Dylan style tour, but I only tour once a month, usually, sometimes twice a month, usually once a month.

 

Samantha Bee  43:18

Okay, because you so it’s this just to keep the schedule plus.

 

Pete Holmes  43:22

Yes, and that’s another big talking point for me, is balance. And there’s a lot of talk about it, but not a lot of people are going for it. So I don’t say that to be cocky or proud. I’m just saying I wish there were more examples of not just show business people, but any person. We all act like American corporations. We’re all just going if we don’t have a better year than last year, we’re a failure. That’s like, where did that come from? I’ll tell you where it came from. It came from capitalism. It came from the Western idea of Yes, of commerce, right? But we are not Sears, and we’re not Procter and Gamble. We’re human beings. So like I say, with pride, I try to tour it once a month. Sometimes, if money gets tight, I’ll do two a month, or whatever it is. But, like, once a month is just enough stand up for me. It’s like an alter ego. Yep, it keeps me. It’s what we’re talking about. I get to swashbuckle, I grab a rope. I go from the pirate ship of my family, and I swing onto a pirate ship, pirate ship, and I have a knife, and I fight bad guys for a while, and I swing back just enough peril, just enough challenge, just enough growth, just enough expression that I can come back to the family and be incredibly dull for the other three weeks of the month and just there, just some fucking guy who’s there.

 

Samantha Bee  44:51

Yes, I actually think it, you’re really speaking my language. I’ve talked about it a lot on this podcast. I asked this question of a lot of people, because it is an. Interior conversation I have all the time, which is like, when, when is enough? When is actually enough? Like, how much do you need in your life to be able to afford a life that is like a comfortable place where you could just live forever in that place without always wanting more. Like, at what point do you look around and go, oh, this is I’m very happy in this place, not this physical place, but just in the place where I am and I don’t really need more and I’m creative on these days so that I could just, like, make Christmas cookies for the next three weeks and try out new recipes, like, yeah, I love that.

 

Pete Holmes  45:44

Well, it’s funny. You know, I’m doing this event for Adam McKay tonight. It’s an environmental thing, and that’s a cause. It’s close to my heart, and it’s close to Adam’s heart, obviously. And they were saying that they gave me this interesting statistic that it’s like 80% of the, let’s say global warming. But you know what I mean by that, like the problems, 80% comes from something like 20 companies, and there’s three, 50 million companies, right? So, and by the way, that statistic, you should fact check that, but that’s the essence of the statistic, that it’s only 20 companies that are making 80% of let’s just say the problem. But you know, I’m a spiritual person, meaning I enjoy things like Buddhism, and I like looking at the ego, and I like having conversations like what we’re having, because the question that I would bring to that is, but what percentage of the three 50 million companies given the opportunity would behave in the exact same manner as the 20 companies. And the answer, I would say, is 100% meaning maybe not 100 but very close to 100 meaning even an ethical company, like, let’s say, Tom’s shoes or something. If you legislate things that make it legal and rewarded to fuck the planet and make billions of dollars. It’s very easy to forgo your values, and this is what we’re talking about with stand up schedules too. It’s very easy to forgo your values, just on a personal level, and fuck and miss your child’s childhood, or miss your wife, or miss your your family, whatever it is, we’ll fuck up our own planets. So of course, we’ll fuck up the planet. And the issue isn’t that it’s 20 companies doing 80% the issue is we don’t have a culture that encourages taking a look at at at the nature of what I would call the ego. What you could just say, is seeking and resisting. So there’s this teacher, Sadhguru, who makes this interesting point. He goes, if you had the whole world, if you Samantha owned the whole world, you have it all. It’s all yours. How long before you want the moon and then how long before you want Mars? It’s the nature of the beast. So we need some subtle, nuanced, you know, training in going, it’s never enough. And the first step is to acknowledge that and go, Oh my God, it’s not out there. The answer isn’t out there. It will never be enough. I’m also teaching this to my daughter, but you also, that’s also literally true. You see, Elon Musk literally wants to go to Mars. It’s literally true. He can have this whole planet. He wants Mars. That’s just the nature of the ego. It seeks and it resists. That’s not what it does. That’s actually what it is. It’s made of seeking and resisting. So the reason why Spiritual things are interesting to me, and I don’t mean deities that we pray to or ceremonies that we enact, I mean some sort of system to investigate the board, the board up here, who’s talking, and who are we listening to, and who told you that you’re not enough, and it was that your voice in the first place. And is there a part of you that is always enough, that that already has it, that already is it, and can just relax into that like you would sink into a hot bath after a long day in the cold, and just rest as what you are. That’s what the spiritual pursuit is for me. I don’t know how we got on that, but I do like sharing with her.

 

Samantha Bee  49:19

I like it, and I also think that having having little children and having having kids in your life, if you are paying attention to them and you are parenting them, they disrupt your like, ego version of yourself so completely, like they just like, turn upside down everything you thought you were. You just surrender to it, hopefully, and it’s incredible. They just effectively disabuse you of all of your pride and all of the things that, yeah and like, in the best possible way. I if you really, if you really, let yourself just surrender to it. Yeah, and serve them. It’s great, like, sir.

 

Pete Holmes  50:03

That actually goes back to to the breakup strategy is, I can’t tell my daughter that getting the toy won’t make her happy. You have to concede the point. You have to say it will make you happy. And this is she’s too young for this, but you have to be like, but this is what I always want to say. I don’t say this. I want to go, can you remember what toy we bought yesterday that would make me a dick, but when she gets older, and it’s the work I’m doing on myself too. You know, it’s the holiday season, and we’re trying to do fewer and fewer things. We want less things and more friends coming over for dinner. Like, we want more of that. But, you know, I catch myself going like, well, this is one of the things my family asked, well, I’ll get the best one there is. And it’s like, where did these voices in my own little board come from? Well, they were installed.

 

Samantha Bee  50:58

They were installed.

 

Pete Holmes  50:59

They were installed. Yeah, hostilely.

 

Samantha Bee  51:01

Yeah, oh, my God. This was so lovely. I think I feel like your specials. I’m excited for your taping. I hope it goes swimmingly, and I hope you have an incredible holiday. You’re in like, one of the hugest Christmas movies, like, which we didn’t talk about yet, but you are the Dallas Jenkins movie. Come on, that’s exciting. Y’all. Are that I love a Christmas movie.

 

Pete Holmes  51:29

Honestly, you know, I was just talking to my friend that did the show last night with me, and I was like, It’s really sweet. You and I both know that having an HBO show is, like, in quotes, a bigger deal, like a rarer gem, than being in a movie. But I never saw my father like he was so proud and because I was in a movie that was in the theaters. And look, I appreciate both. I don’t mean to be weighing and measuring which achievement is cooler. I think they’re all cool. I’m grateful for all of them. But when I saw my dad, who went and saw it in the theaters, he was like, oh my god, like it was there with the popcorn and the jujubes and my son, like, you are so big. You are so big. Honestly, we can’t handle it. That that I know we’re wrapping up, but that’s called, it’s bio locating as human beings. We think that’s so interesting. My father’s watching me on a screen, but he knows I’m also somewhere else. It’s literally magic. And he’s like, and I’m giant and I’m loud and like, that was an experience for him. So yes, it is out in theaters. I think the Dallas and Judy Greer, who’s in it, did a fantastic job, and people should go see it if they want to see a great holiday movie. It’s aChristmas movie, and it’s not holiday movies. I hope you decided, like.

 

Samantha Bee  53:01

I hope that you put your special to rest, that you tape it, it goes incredibly and then you have a lot of dinner parties, yeah, and, like, actual homely home, not homely, like home things that you do a lot of nesting stuff and really, like, kill it.

 

Pete Holmes  53:20

Well, look one last little tidbit here.

 

Samantha Bee  53:25

Yes.

 

Pete Holmes  53:26

And Val my wife, The Hobbit and me the Strider, the Aragorn, we agree. It took me so long to figure this out. You don’t want to do nothing. You think you want to do nothing like, like the movie, office space like I just want to do nothing. You don’t actually want to do nothing. Nothing builds like a plaque in your throat. It atrophies you. It starts to kill you. You can’t tolerate it. You need something. So what you really want to do is nothing, after you did something that scares you. So that’s why I’m really looking forward to the tapings and then the weeks after, where I am going to do a intense nothing like it’s gonna be shocking how nothing I do, how nothing I do so, but it’s you can’t just do that. It’s not as sweet as on the other side of something that was a little frightening so.

 

Samantha Bee  54:28

Yeah, you have to do something spicy, and then you can spice it down. Then you get to lay down and put your and read a book.

 

Pete Holmes  54:36

The old folks were right, put in the day’s work and then read the book.

 

Samantha Bee  54:40

So nice. All right, okay, well, have a great have a great Christmas.

 

Pete Holmes  54:46

Hey, preach great, Best Christmas Pageant Ever.

 

Samantha Bee  54:52

This was so lovely. Thank you so much. This was a […] conversation.

 

Samantha Bee  55:02

That was Pete Holmes, and I had no choice but to look up one thing. Pete is preparing to record his sixth comedy special, which is a huge accomplishment, but I had to know who has the most specials ever. Oh, my God, it is Kathy Griffin. She has 2020 specials. She is a legend, okay, thank you so much for joining us. I’m Samantha Bee. See you next week for some more Choice Words.

 

CREDITS 55:44

Thank you for listening to Choice Words, which was created by and is hosted by me. The show is produced by […], with editing and additional producing by Josh Richmond. We are distributed by Lemonada Media, and you can find me @realsambee on X, and Instagram. Follow Choice Words wherever you get your podcasts or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership.