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Dutiful and disinfected, the comedian Michelle Collins sings the praises of the cleaning wipes provided by her favorite airline. She has other travel takes to share, too, including insider knowledge that brings Ellie and Scott into the world of CLEAR. She also airs her worst appendix-based fear, and, unfortunately, Ellie realizes she might share it.

You can subscribe to Michelle’s daily podcast, The Michelle Collins Show, on Patreon. Follow Ellie @elliekemper on Instagram and Scott @mescotteckert on Twitter, and get in touch at borntolovefeedback@gmail.com. Stay up to date with Lemonada on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram at @LemonadaMedia.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Scott Eckert, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Collins

Ellie Kemper  00:09

Welcome to Born To Love the show where we talk to the people we love about the things they love. I’m Ellie Kemper.

 

Scott Eckert  00:17

And I’m Scott Eckert.

 

Ellie Kemper  00:18

And today we are talking to my friend and the iconic comedian Michelle Collins. But first, Scott, how has the week been?

 

Scott Eckert  00:29

It’s been good. Lot of stuff going on. How was your week? Ellie, is there anything, anything you loved this week?

 

Ellie Kemper  00:35

So I did have something very specific that I love this week, and I warned you ahead of time, this is gonna be a controversial love.

 

Scott Eckert  00:42

I’m ready, we don’t dance around controversy. We embrace it here at Born to Love. How controversial is this? And tell me what it is Ellie.

 

Ellie Kemper  00:48

I think we’re gonna find that probably 95% of the people listening will be in the camp of, oh, I don’t think I love that. And like 5% will be in the camp of, I see what she’s saying. Here’s what I love, Scott, this past week, we have been enjoying the After Effects. Maybe that’s redundant the effects of daylight savings. And I never know if Daylight Savings has been like, rescinded or implemented, but whatever the case, we all turn the clocks back, you know, like just over a week ago. And while that particular day, Sunday, the day of the clocks turning back, is very strange. I mean, it’s a weird ass day. It’s like, you wake up at the normal time, but it’s earlier, and then the days like that extra hour is like nine extra hours, and you’re telling your kids it’s bedtime, but it’s actually only four o’clock, but it’s dark out. That day is bananas. That transition day, that transition day, it’s worse than jet lag. I don’t know why. You could go halfway around the globe and not experience as much disorientation as you do on that day. There’s something very weird about that day, the first day of the clocks being turned back. But Scott, I’m telling you, every day thereafter, when that sweet little sun starts disappearing behind the horizon at four, 435, I am cozy. I am ready for the night. I am getting dinner ready as cozily as I can. And I am loving the arrival of winter.

 

Scott Eckert  02:36

Winter, the early night.

 

Ellie Kemper  02:38

The early night. I think there is something so comforting about it getting dark early, it just brings it I guess I really do love winter, and it’s very I don’t know why it’s nostalgic for me, but it reminds me of being a child. I don’t know why the early nights, but it does. And it gets me excited for the holidays coming up, and it gets me excited for a long, dark winter, and I just find it very, very comforting, and especially the first week. I’ll tell you another thing why I appreciate it even more this year is because I have made the move to the West Coast, and specifically Southern California. The seasons are not as clearly marked, I would say, right?

 

Scott Eckert  03:21

I mean, certainly true. Yes, they’re the only difference between the seasons, pretty much, is, when does the sun dip below the horizon?

 

Ellie Kemper  03:30

That’s exactly right, because, sure, it’s not 110 degrees anymore, but it’s still 75 degrees. It’s still sunny most days. Oh, Ellie, poor, a little baby. I’m not complaining. I’m just That’s a fact. I’m pointing out. That’s what happens. So the really, the only you know, distinction between summer, fall and now winters, which is approaching, is the the shorter days, the earlier sunset. And I’m really relishing in it. So I’ve been absolutely loving that, Scott, it’s gotten me into a new mode I’m ready for hot tea. I’m ready for getting in my pajamas, hot toddies, even.

 

Scott Eckert  04:08

Flannel shirts all sorts of wonderful things, winter things, Ellie I have to admit, and listeners might have already detected this from my utter speechlessness. I don’t know, I don’t know if I love or loathe this. I thought that I loathed it when you said I love the Daylight Savings clocks changing or whatever I was instant, reflexive. I hate it. I hate it. In fact, just yesterday, at around 430 I went outside, I took my my son, to an appointment, and everything was dark, dark as night. It felt like midnight, but it wasn’t even five o’clock, and I was furious. A furious anger boiled up inside of me, but then listening to you, I kinda see where you’re coming from. I’m so angry like I was just yesterday. I don’t want the day to end, but now you’re making. You realize, I think maybe I do want the day to end.

 

Ellie Kemper  05:05

Change the lens.Scott, you’re looking into this daylight savings through, you know, the grouchy, grumpy, furious lens. Look through the cozy winter nights. The lights are twinkling, the crisp air, the squirrels going to bed early for the night, and then I guarantee you, you will embrace it. And not only that, Scott, now it is light when you wake up. I mean, I buried the lead that’s huge.

 

Scott Eckert  05:33

See, I had a whole bunch of takes, locked and loaded, ready to go. Anti takes, I was all prepared to tell you in the many different ways in which you were wrong and the morning one was going to be one of them. Yeah. But now I think you persuaded me. What I was prepared to say is, are you a farmer? Ellie? Do you need light early in the morning? No, of course, you don’t. We live in a modern society. All of the listeners of born to love who are listening to this on their tractors, accept my apology. I have nothing but respect for farmers. But here’s the thing, most of us aren’t farmers. We don’t we don’t need it to be sunny at seven in the morning. At least. I don’t. If I had to pick Would I rather it be sunny at 7am or 7pm prior to hearing your arguments, I would have picked 7pm I want it sunny at 7pm no doubt about it. But now I think that maybe I do like I do like the I like that night time, winter. Night Time is an excuse to stop worrying.

 

Ellie Kemper  06:39

Oh, you just nailed it. That’s exactly what it is. Scott, what do you have? I’m just curious, when do you have more energy when you wake up in the morning after a night of sleep, or do you have more energy at the end of the day, after toiling and worrying and working and and doing what life is?

 

Scott Eckert  06:58

Of course, Ellie, I have more energy, you know, after I’ve had a good night’s sleep.

 

Ellie Kemper  07:02

So why would you rather have it be light outside?

 

Scott Eckert  07:06

Yeah, but if I wake up in the morning, I’m ready to toil. I night time, I’m ready, to stop the toiling, right? That’s why I like it light. But when it gets dark at 430 I’m like, I don’t have to do any more work, right? I don’t have like that it’s stark. It’s time to, like, crack open a beer or watch a show or go immediately to bed, any one of those things.

 

Ellie Kemper  07:35

By the way, I have to make a disclaimer, because when I’m with other people in IRL, in real life, I too say, Oh yeah, I know it’s such a bummer. And start so early. It is only behind the screen of this podcast where I’m not talking IRL to anyone in real life that I’m recording this, and then it’s just gonna go out where I can finally be myself and tell you I love it. Then it gets dark early. I was lying to you. There’s nothing better.

 

Scott Eckert  08:04

All of the cocktail party goers that you were chit chatting with for the last several weeks ruling the coming change of the clocks now, they’re, they’re tossing down whatever they’re, whatever they have. They’re listening to this with their earbuds in their ears, and they’re they’re growing red with rage because you were lying to them at that fancy Hollywood party you attended.

 

Ellie Kemper  08:28

Where the subject of the hour was, of course, daylight savings, Scott. I’m so glad I love it, even though nobody else might share my love. Soon enough, it will be spring for all of you light lovers, but in the meantime, revel in the dark. Scott, I am so excited for today’s episode we have I’m excited also, why wouldn’t you be? Because we have a very, very funny person, Michelle Collins, on our show. I have to, I have to just add a caveat. Michelle is my good friend. I have known her for years. She’s one of the funniest people I know. Michelle Collins is a comedian and podcast host who you may know from her stand up performances, maybe from her podcast, the Michelle Collins show, maybe from her time as a co host of the view. The list goes on and on. She has hosted a numerous countless other shows, from 90 day live to the Today Show alongside Hoda Kotb. Maybe have heard of her. Michelle has been nominated for a Daytime Emmy, and now she is carrying out her entertainment and comedic career from Amsterdam where she recently moved after two decades of living in NYC. Now, unfortunately, at the time of this publication, you have missed her 2024 US Comedy Tour, which that’s on you, but she’s sure to be back on the road in the future, and until then, you can hear her right here. So stay tuned. When we come back, we are going to be talking with the brilliant and very funny. Michelle Collins.

 

Scott Eckert  10:13

And we’re back here with Michelle. Michelle Collins, thank you so much for joining us.

 

Michelle Collins  10:18

Thanks for having me.

 

Scott Eckert  10:19

Now Michelle, you are you your comedian? You are a podcast all star. You are a talk show host. You used to host the view. co-host the view. You just finished a Stand Up Tour. You are friends with Ellie, but we are not here to talk about any of that no, we are. We are here to talk about what you love, Michelle, what do you want to talk about today?

 

Michelle Collins  10:44

First of all, great intro. It did sound like you were reading all of those things for the first time. You’re like, you’re a comedian, I guess, talk show host. I’m like, am I? I don’t know. You’re making me doubt everything. Well, it’s a pleasure to be here. Ellie. First of all, I haven’t seen you in forever. I never change. You look adorable. How are you?

 

Ellie Kemper  10:59

I’m fine, and I do change majorly, and I’m so happy to see you, because I don’t know if I’ve seen you in person since 2019.

 

Michelle Collins  11:06

Pre pandemic. Fact, it’s I gotta prove that you actually look great. How do I know? Because her camera, my camera, is on a Hubble telescope stand in order to shoot my space angles on me. Ellie’s is very normally would be unflattering under the neck, and you look like a newborn child, embryotic.

 

Ellie Kemper  11:25

You are truly need to move into this house so I can have you there every morning. It’s not, it is not good. I mean, I don’t know if we’ll be showing video, but it is, is you’ll see firsthand that She’s exaggerating. Thanks for saying that you look like an angel. You always do.

 

Michelle Collins  11:41

I put makeup on because I thought we were showing video, but it doesn’t matter. I love wearing makeup. Here’s the thing, should I just talk about Sephora? I mean, you’re asking about things I love. There’s so much that I love.

 

Ellie Kemper  11:51

Specifically though, I want to know, because we asked you beforehand, what are some of the things you love? And you mentioned, I’m so intrigued by this because you mentioned clear, yes, like the secure, the airport security, stuff, which I am not a member of. Do you have to be a member? I don’t know what it is.

 

Michelle Collins  12:06

You know, it’s funny. I think when I wrote the email, it was like things I in my mind, it was more like things I’m obsessed with than things I love, because I am obsessed with clear Scott, are you a clear member?

 

Scott Eckert  12:19

I am. I’m not a clear member, but my wife is so every time we go to the airport, it’s, I have clear second class, you know, status. I’m not as worthy a person because I have to stand in the cattle line, and she just whizzes right through. So I’m very jealous of people have clear, but I don’t have it.

 

Michelle Collins  12:38

That’s a bad take. You should not be jealous of people who have clear first of all, you definitely could have it, because I feel like every credit card now covers it, so if you wanted it, you could have it. To me, it sounds like you need a little space at the airport from a loved one. Yeah. Like you go there, I’ll go here. I need two seconds, because it is stressful going through security is like high strung nation. Yes, no, it is. Here’s my thing with clear. Okay, you asked me ask.

 

Ellie Kemper  13:04

Well, I want to know what, what, what qualifies you for clearing. Is it simply paying, paying the the amount that satisfies.

 

Michelle Collins  13:12

I genuinely think you need to have eyeballs, because they scan your eyes like a minority report and and fingertips. And you need to have. I wonder. I’ve never even considered someone who, like, is missing those things. Can they be? I’m not joking, like, can they join clear? I’m serious. And I think it’s like $99 it’s a scam, for sure. I know that they charge you maybe 99 the first year, and then it’s going to be like, you know, Hulu style, yeah, in a month, it’s like $6,000 I know that I’m going to get asked from clear. I have a thing with clear because I joined it begrudgingly. So I was like, the two of you, I really didn’t want to be a part of it. And the point for me is someone who is a people pleaser at heart. And I don’t know if, Ellie, I think you and I are similar in that way.

 

Ellie Kemper  13:53

Yeah, right. I Scott, do you like to please people.

 

Scott Eckert  13:57

I know i want people pleaser were, there were three. Were trio of people pleasers I think.

 

Ellie Kemper  14:03

I think hard am, and I think you are too. Okay, so, Michelle, yes, so you’re people pleaser.

 

Michelle Collins  14:08

I’m a people pleaser and so, but I’m also a real rule follower when it comes to society, when it comes to lines and order and what’s fair and people, you know, I’m just so I’m a real fairness freak as well. Yeah. And so what if I see someone skipping me in line, like, I lose my you know, I’m very serious with a line like it really is, where I think people’s true colors come out. And there’s a thing with clear, anyone who’s flown recently, you’ve seen it where they essentially have, like, an escort who allows them to skip. I’m also TSA Pre check like the pre check line, and there’s this tension that happens either way. And if, for me, it’s like, if I’m in the pre check line, pre clear and someone was going ahead of me, see, this isn’t something I love, but it’s more of the order I like, the social status. Is that a word, the social hierarchy of it all? Because when people are skipping me and clear, there’s. Many different ways people handle it, my least favorite being zero eye contact, zero acknowledgement that they’re doing something a little screwed up, and getting in front of you after you’ve waited with all the cattle, Scott, as you put it, beforehand. So I really had a lot of beef with clear is the truth. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the energy. It was like the Soho House for just like airport, like, right? There was like, a real cockiness that the clear people had, I didn’t like the people who work there, and they’re like, J Crew, gingham with the vests. I’m like, why is this triggering me? Like my dating life in New York, with all these, like, JP Morgan bro, kind of a whole look that they have going.

 

Ellie Kemper  15:37

Yep, I didn’t like it. Do you know that I am so unfamiliar with the world of clear because I am TSA Pre, and I don’t know how it keeps going, but it does, because I never have to pay an annual like re o up. I don’t know how that’s working, but I’m still pre, and it works just fine for me. And I do look over at clear and instantly get that vibe like, this is just, this is a Soho House. This is an upper stratosphere thing, and I don’t know how it works. And now I’m getting to know how it works, and it sounds just as awful as I imagined.

 

Michelle Collins  16:09

Well, now I am a member, so now I can speak from both sides.

 

Scott Eckert  16:14

Oh, wait. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop here, Michelle, because I will confess that my coming into this conversation, I share your old disdain or contempt or resentment, maybe is the best word, because I’m jealous of the clear people cutting in line. I don’t like it. But now that you are one of the special clear people, how’s your perspective changed?

 

Michelle Collins  16:37

I’m going to tell you how it’s changed. So I’m going to, actually, I think, at the end of the day, make you feel good about it. See, maybe this is where the love comes in. I’m really trying to twist it to make it make sense, because I am obsessed with it. I am obsessed with, you know, I’m like, George Costanza. I love anything to do with people and humanity and how people interact. Like, it’s my sociology. Like, I love it. Yeah. So I joined it on the first leg of my tour, which was back in April and May, because my manager and our tech person were both clear members. And Scott, much like you, I was left in the dust, and they would go past me, and it’s a whole thing, and I would feel like an idiot in the TSA Pre line, like a moron, you know, waiting to meet them after the scanner. So finally, I caved. Of course, I did it on a day where I literally looked like Kathy Bates in Misery, like I looked insane. And they have to take your picture the day you sign up. There’s like, No, you can’t redo the pic. It’s like, that’s the day, yeah, I show up looking like eye hands from hands labyrinth. I’m like, I’m ready for my close up. Like I look horrible. It’s like, 8am I have no makeup on, and so they snap this perma pic of me. It’s like a Costco membership card, you know, license anything. It’s forever. I have to face that photo anytime I do clear now that picture will pop up. Whoever’s with me, the J you know? JP, Morgan guy will see it. It’s a horrible thing. Okay, so I sign up for clear. I It’s fine. I go through quick. But here’s what I’ve realized about it that has really upset me, but yet I love it. See, I’m twisting it again when you go to the airport. The last thing, I actually love talking to people. Ellie, much like you. I like having, you know, people, to people, things, sure. So I love the baggage people. I’m always laughing with them. You know, this and that. But you know what? There’s something about security where it’s like, I don’t want to have a handler at security. I don’t like that. There’s someone next to me who and also, I’m tall. You have to scan your eyes. I’m six foot one, right? So I’m now, I’m like, in a full squat, like a plie Sun Valley squatting. Then I see the picture of me, you know, looking like Val Kilmer and Top Gun. I’m like, okay, I have to look at that. All right, fine. Then here’s the thing, and this is why I do think I’m a good person. Hilarious. What a narcissist. Sick thing to say no, I agree, no, when they walk me in front of the line of the TSA Pre check people, I make eye contact with every single one of them, and I go, I’m sorry the plebs, honey. I’m thinking about I look and I go, thank you. I say, thank you. Sometimes, 90% of the time, they don’t even look back. And I get it, I understand that. I’m like, I’m trying to change the world for the best. I’m like, if we don’t acknowledge that this is effed up, what are we doing?

 

Ellie Kemper  19:07

Right, that’s exactly right. Well, that is such an interesting acknowledgement. I mean that moment. So basically you’re thanking because I’m not sure I understood this piece from the start. What you’re doing is essentially Yes, because you’ve paid, because you’ve been accepted into clear you get to butt in front of these people, right? Yes. So technically, it’s like, you’re sorry and you’re because you said, do you apologize that you said, you said sorry and thank you.

 

Michelle Collins  19:30

I do. I acknowledge it. I go, this is awful. I mean, I would be annoyed. I’ve been on the other side. And I’ll actually, I have one other thing about it, but.

 

Ellie Kemper  19:37

Yeah, no, if I were in the line and you specific. Even I’m saying I didn’t I say I don’t know you. And this woman gave me a warm I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t seem right, genuinely looking me in the eyes, your your crazy eyes, which have just been scanned for. I don’t even know what they’re looking for in those eyes, and you looked at me, I would really, really, it would, Michelle, I’m being serious. That would change my day, thank you.

 

Michelle Collins  20:01

No, honestly, you’re making me feel incredible right now, and thank you for seeing me. Yeah, my truest form, which is groveling, feeling like horrible person, apologetic, but I’ll tell you that what happened the reason why it’s on my mind is when I flew back on Sunday from New York. I always fly out of Newark because I’m a United girl, because I love the wipes. Controversial. Tell me what the wipes? Oh, you want to talk about things I love now, let’s finally get to it clear. Yeah, right now I’m in a full Passover position. I’m gonna full recline. Talking about the wipes when you fly united, wait, this is actually, this is really a good tip. Yeah, they have these wipes. They come individually wrapped. And you get on the plane, it’s been since COVID. Do you never fly? You Delta let me guess.

 

Ellie Kemper  20:45

No, I fly whatever is available. And cheapest, yes, that is so. So no, united, I’m not as familiar with, I must admit, because I don’t know.

 

Michelle Collins  20:53

It doesn’t airline and all of the.

 

Ellie Kemper  20:55

I’m sure I do like Jet Blue. But is has Jet Blue gone? Like? Are they no longer great?

 

Scott Eckert  21:02

I think they definitely exist. Jet Blue, they let you. They serve your own snacks, right?

 

Ellie Kemper  21:06

No, I, I’ve always loved Jet Blue, but I’m saying, is it still cool? I don’t know. I don’t think so.

 

Scott Eckert  21:11

I don’t think it was ever cool, Ellie.

 

Ellie Kemper  21:14

It was 19. I feel like in 2006 All right, all right. The wipes, the this is.

 

Michelle Collins  21:20

No, it was cool that inversion at one point were like, really cool. But then my issue with that, and same with Delta, is that people who fly, and this is not about you, by the way, but like, the delta one, people are very snobby. They’re, like, the clear people of airlines. They’re very full of themselves. People love to tell you their status when they’re a Delta flyer. I’m going do you have a life? I never tell people, oh, I’m United platinum. Because, like, guess what? I do other things.

 

Ellie Kemper  21:42

Right, you happen to mention that you were platinum level and on United. Have you seen the delta one? Like, is it? Is it flagged? No, it’s American flagship, and it’s delta one. Have you seen those spaces? Have you seen those seats on the plane? Yeah, from, like, across country spaces. Oh, they’re enormous. I mean, it’s your own bedroom. They’re huge. And then you think, no, I that always, I mean, this is like, something you have to go to business school to understand, I guess. But I don’t understand is, and who is paying full price for that ticket? I don’t know.

 

Michelle Collins  22:13

That’s what I’m saying.

 

Ellie Kemper  22:14

Yeah, right, that’s what I’m saying too.

 

Michelle Collins  22:16

Do I look like the maharaja? I’m like, do I look like the Sultan of Brunei? I I mean, what are we talking about here? When I see those prices on United too, it’s like, seven grand, but then you have to use miles. It’s, it’s essentially like, like, I assume I don’t I’ve never done, like, drafting in sports. What do you call it? What you’re a man Scott, what do you call the fantasy football? Yeah, things like that. Yeah, that’s where it’s, like, playing the numbers. Like, I’m bad at all that, but yet with flying, you really have to be clever, yeah. So somehow I’ve become a united person. I know all the good seats are the leg room. So I’ve, I’ve cracked the plane. I had to fly southwest on one of the tour stops, and I was up till six in the morning studying the maps like Nicolas Cage and national treasure. I was like, okay, because you know it’s first come first serve. I know it is. I was in American Gladiator. I had, like, the big Q tip thing for American Gladiator. I was like, I’m getting the exits. I was out of my mind, and I ended up having, yeah, I got a very nice flight on Southwest. Shout out to Kim, who was great, the flight attendant.

 

Ellie Kemper  23:09

Okay, but you got a good seat?

 

Michelle Collins  23:11

I got, I have the best seat.

 

Ellie Kemper  23:13

Okay, do you know that they’re changing that? You know that right on Southwest?

 

Michelle Collins  23:15

I do.

 

Ellie Kemper  23:16

It’s a coup. I mean, it’s crazy. It’s like, because the whole point with Southwest, I think right is that they’ve done the studies, people get on the airplane faster. For some reason, like loading the airplane is somehow faster if people choose their own seats. I don’t understand, but they’re not making as much money, so they’re changing. I mean, it always comes down to the Benjamins. It always comes down to that. But I know, I know, I don’t girls to tell you what. Michelle wipes. Are they disinfected wipes?

 

Michelle Collins  23:45

Oh, I’m not forgetting, Scott was gonna ask me something about the […]

 

Scott Eckert  23:48

No, I want to hear about these wipes. I and the rest of America need to hear about the United whites.

 

Michelle Collins  23:53

Because when you board a United Flight, you’ll have a lovely flight attendant standing at the doorway with a little wicker basket, and it’s full of these individually wrapped I may have one with an arm’s distance. I actually think I can grab one from my bag. They have these individually wrapped wipes that they give you. Usually one I like to, like, flirt and be like, Can I have a couple? And they’ll be like, have as many as you want. Like, if you’re nice to them, they’ll like, have as many. I have some great stories about the wipes. They are the best. They’re dipped in pure alcohol. Oh, they’re as big. No, they’re not, like, they’re not moisturizing wipes. They will kill anything and everything they come in contact with. They’re this freaking big. They’re huge. They’re very thick. And I’m telling you, and you have kids, like, I’m just messy, like, if I have a little stain or something, a united wipe will knock out anything in two seconds. It is a miracle product, and you cannot buy them on Amazon. I have looked you have to fly united to get the white.

 

Scott Eckert  24:46

You are, you’re making gestures with your fingers. Are they these seem to be like, are they the size of, like the Swiffer things? I’m imagining something ginormous.

 

Michelle Collins  24:57

Wait, let me see if I can pull one. I’ll open one for this show. Hold on. Don’t hang up on me.

 

Scott Eckert  25:03

Into a trove.

 

Michelle Collins  25:04

Okay, I have one. I have one so they look small. Yeah they do.

 

Michelle Collins  25:08

Okay, yeah. Oh, this is how, you know.

 

Michelle Collins  25:10

I just got back because my Weekender is, like, on the dining room table, yeah, yeah. Shall I open it? I mean.

 

Scott Eckert  25:14

I’m waiting. Oh, well. I mean, I was gonna say, Please, of course, don’t open when the only way you can get is to fly Delta, on the other hand.

 

Michelle Collins  25:23

United, look, there’s there. I’ll add that on my flight back this Sunday, something horrible happened, which is that they had to change planes last minute. I get on the plane, and one of the top reasons I fly United wipes, yeah, and I get on the plane and I say, and she doesn’t have the basket. And I’m like, Oh, do we have any wipes? You know, I’m always I’m always very like, clandestine, like, you got the wipes? Yeah, they don’t know what the fuck. They always look at me like, are you on your mind? I love some extras.

 

Ellie Kemper  25:50

Anyway, it’s like shorthand to you, but they, but they who work there day in day out, don’t know what you’re referring to. Yeah, right.

 

Michelle Collins  25:57

Anyway, she goes, No, they haven’t. We had to change planes. They haven’t brought our cleaning kit on, but I’ll let you know. I was like, okay, so I get and I’d been using them every day like, because I’m thinking, Oh, I’ll get a bunch of wipes on my flight home. Yeah. And so that’s why I don’t want to open this one. That’s how psycho I am. Anyway, don’t. And then be absurd. I’m not going to, yeah, anyway. So then I get to my seat and I befriend him, one of the lovely flight attendants in my little section. But I was like too embarrassed to ask them, because I had a feeling they just never brought them on the plane and and anyway, that’s I did not get my wipes, but they are truly worth flying united.

 

Ellie Kemper  26:29

Hold on you did not get them on this most recent trip on Sunday. Why do you have one here? What is that I stockpile them?

 

Michelle Collins  26:36

Yes, also my listeners, because I have a show that my listeners listen to. What you talk about. But yeah, I talk about wipes so much that while I was on tour, I did meet and greets. People brought me bags of United wipes because they know my obsession with the wipes. Oh, Michelle, people are so nice. That is then I once had a flight attendant who a Big Gay Guy. Need I say, more obsessed with me? Yeah. And I said, Do you have any wipes? He goes, don’t move. He goes. How many do you want? I went, how many can you spare? He brought me an entire freaking Ziploc bag full of Ziploc bag full of them.

 

Ellie Kemper  27:03

So, all right, so now I’m beginning to wonder if you should open it sounds like you are, but don’t you know what I will I will. No, I just want to know how big it is.

 

Michelle Collins  27:13

I’m gonna open it. I’m opening.

 

Scott Eckert  27:15

Small the cases. Is like, yeah, what does it look like? Oh, my God, it’s done. There’s no going back.

 

Ellie Kemper  27:23

Okay, I’m still not, yeah.

 

Scott Eckert  27:27

It unfolds […] it’s a sizable, it’s a sizable white.

 

Ellie Kemper  27:32

How, what would you say that is 12 by 10 by 10 bigger.

 

Michelle Collins  27:37

Than I would say it’s about, it’s a, it’s about a Kleenex. I would say, yeah, maybe seven inches by maybe a seven by 10.

 

Ellie Kemper  27:44

This is a standard Kleenex. And your Yeah, seven by 10. This is a standard kleinette. Yours is it’s about as big as, probably big.

 

Michelle Collins  27:52

I’m like, I’m gonna use it. I can’t waste it.

 

Ellie Kemper  27:55

So that’s what I want to know. So you she’s sanitizing her hands, right there, no moisturizer. Just trying to use it. Yeah, you got to clean your screen. So it’s a surface cleaner as well as a body cleaner, honey.

 

Michelle Collins  28:10

I wipe this thing on every damn thing. I am like, remember when Marilyn quail drank hairspray because she was like, an alcoholic? I’m like, sniffing the ship. I love it. It just It reeks of booze, don’t it’s 70% isopropyl alcohol in this thing. I don’t know what the other 30% is.

 

Ellie Kemper  28:26

I don’t know. I don’t want it’s just cloth. I guess I don’t.

 

Scott Eckert  28:35

Michelle, we’ve gotten a smorgasbord of things that you love and and also some things that maybe you don’t love as much, which I appreciate and agree with wholeheartedly. I wonder if you would stick around and play a little game with us and we can get your opinion on a few more things. Do you have time to play love it or loathe it? All right? Well, listeners, stick around, we’re gonna play love it or loathe it with Michelle Collins.

 

Ellie Kemper  29:11

Guys, we have been having such a wonderful time chatting with Michelle Collins about many things that she loves, many things that maybe she doesn’t love as much. Michelle, we are about to play a game we like to play with our guests. It’s called Love it or loathe it. And this game is, it’s pretty straightforward. I’m going to give you a bunch of items, subjects, topics, and you are going to tell me if you love that thing or you loathe that thing. Now, listen, there’s no gray area, okay, it’s, it’s you’re all in or you’re all out. That’s what makes the game hard. But you can win if you try.

 

Michelle Collins  29:42

There’s, is there a prize involved in here? I didn’t realize that the stakes were this high.

 

Ellie Kemper  29:47

You, you will please us. How’s that?  I’m sweating ultimate, the ultimate prize.

 

Scott Eckert  29:53

Okay, all right, Michelle, love it or loathe it. Costco.

 

Michelle Collins  29:57

I mean, love it, anyone who loathes cost. Go get your head checked. Let me tell you something. When Costco had their Kirkland Signature sweatshirts out, I was like, the moms in the 80s for the Cabbage Patch dolls. I was like, knocking people to the ground for my double XL women’s XL men’s because, you know, it’s like unisex sizing anyway, yep, I love a Kirkland Signature. I love buying socks there. I like walking around there. I like the feeling. It’s to me, it’s the essential American experience of you can get whatever you want in loads for a great price. So yes, I love it. Do they have them in Europe? What a beautiful question. They do and don’t. So they have them in England, and they have them, believe it or not, in Spain. I’ve never been to a European Costco. I know they have them in Asia, but here in the Netherlands, they don’t, because it’s a very simple people here, you know, they’re very like, I don’t know. They don’t like access.

 

Scott Eckert  30:48

They only need two wood shoes. They don’t need 100 wood shoes.

 

Michelle Collins  30:52

They buy a block of cheese and a loaf of bread. And they’re like, Get out of my house. I mean, I’m not kidding. It’s not a warm thing. Okay, go on.

 

Ellie Kemper  30:57

Oh, that’s, well, that’s for our next episode. I want it well or or I just, I can ask you about that.

 

Michelle Collins  31:02

But that’s very off the air. Yeah, problems go on, okay?

 

Ellie Kemper  31:07

Michelle, love it or loathe it. I’m curious about this one meditation.

 

Michelle Collins  31:13

Oh, okay. People are not going to like my answer. I’m going to have to say loath it, that even though it is gray area ish, I took a meditation class when I lived in LA because I was like, my friend did it and it was in Los feuci list. They’re gonna love this. I remember two of the exercises. One is they passed around a bowl of chocolate chips. They made us each put a chocolate chip in our mouth and not chew it like a dog in training, and just let it melt. No, like I had the drool coming. They were like, let it melt, like, feel the chocolate, taste the chocolate. I was like, Okay. And then they made us go to the parking lot. This was right off of Lewis Boulevard, very busy road, yeah. And walk. The exercise was to walk as slowly as possible. Like, if you think you’re going as slow as you can go go slower. So people were driving by watching us in full 28 days later, mode, like, you know, and I’m a fast walker, and it was hell. I’m like this. We look insane. People are driving like, when the hell is going on here? For me, it wasn’t for me. I could probably use it. But I had a friend who did it, who like Transcendental Meditation recently, actually my podcast co host Dan Acton, who I love, and he found that he was not communicating with people as much as he used to like he wasn’t texting people, that he was becoming so self calm and, I guess, relaxed. I don’t know what it is that he was cutting himself off socially, which I didn’t love that either. So I’ll say loath, but please don’t come for me.

 

Ellie Kemper  32:33

Michelle, I am if they’re coming for you, they’re coming for me. Okay? And that should make you feel great. That should make me feel amazing. Because I also I am not. I think, Scott, do you mean, I know you do yoga, but I don’t know if you do not meditate? No, I have, I don’t. I also loathe meditation because I don’t get it, and I’ve not had success with it. So I that. So I’m right there with you. Michael, who you know, Michael Coleman, who I my husband. He did Transcendental Meditation like in his 20s. He swears by it, but, but I still does it. No, sorry. He swore by it. There you go. He did it for a week.

 

Scott Eckert  33:07

I have two friends, two friends who are married, a married couple, and they are really chilled out. They’re both super into meditation. The only thing that I have seen them get into angry shouting matches over and I’ve seen it happen more than once, is meditation, because they have different practices. So the so the wife does meditation that is guided, where she, like, listens to something, and the husband thinks that that, that that is antithetical to the idea of meditation, that there can be no words. And it’s very funny to me that they that’s the one thing that they loathe about one another.

 

Michelle Collins  33:45

That’s very, really funny. It seems to tell you everything, doesn’t it? Yes, it does. If that’s the thing that can’t ground you, right? But I know it’s worked for so many people. And I don’t even have like, a phrase, you know. So who am I.

 

Ellie Kemper  33:58

Right, yeah, right but I but you that was the right answer. Okay, Scott.

 

Scott Eckert  34:02

You love it or loathe it? Michelle, pedal pubs. No pedal pub, if, oh, I know what that is. You do know what it is? I did not know ahead of time. So what is a pedal pub? And do you loath  it? Or do you love it?

 

Michelle Collins  34:16

Aren’t those, like, bachelor parties. They get on this bike with like, 10 seats and they drink.

 

Scott Eckert  34:20

Yes, it’s exactly right.

 

Michelle Collins  34:22

Obviously, I loathe. No, I loathe it. Listen, I don’t have that many friends, so maybe for me, it’s tough, because I’m like, Could I fill a bike with 10 of my best friends and drink?

 

Ellie Kemper  34:35

I know that you’re joking. You have more fear than anyone. I know.

 

Michelle Collins  34:38

Yeah, but they know. None of them know each other. I couldn’t gather 10 together. You know, it’s like.

 

Ellie Kemper  34:42

Well, who could?

 

Michelle Collins  34:43

I mean, really, not in any group chats. I hate a group chat.

 

Ellie Kemper  34:46

Oh, I don’t like it go. The group chats are endless, yeah, and endless, yeah.

 

Michelle Collins  34:51

I just don’t I don’t like watching Drunk people celebrate in public, like, I same with bachelorette parties. I hate SantaCon. I don’t like Halloween. I don’t like New Year’s. Yes, necessarily depends. I can have fun in yours, but yeah, oh, my God, my whole charger just fell. That was because I don’t meditate.

 

Ellie Kemper  35:05

Okay, yeah, that’s why you weren’t focused. You weren’t focused, and you’re communicating with people. Okay, Michelle, this is for the win. This is our final love it or loathe it. For today, tomorrow, we’re gonna do it again. Love it or loathe it. Chia seeds.

 

Michelle Collins  35:22

Ooh, loath. Let me tell you something. I have lived my entire life fearing appendicitis when I see seeds in like, I love a sesame bagel. It’s my number one go to flavor. But don’t think I’m not shaking as I’m scooping and toasting. I’m shaking because I’m going, This is it? This is the last bird seed roll I’m gonna have before I’m sent straight to the hospital. Let me tell you about chia seeds for a second, because I had a moment when I lived in LA cause appendicitis. I believe they do that the little this is what I was told. The little seeds get caught in there, no. And when it said bursting seed capacity, that’s when you have to get your appendix taken out.

 

Ellie Kemper  35:59

Michelle, I will look this up, but I feel like that’s something you were told by a classmate in second grade, and you just, you haven’t checked it yet. You haven’t.

 

Michelle Collins  36:09

I’m looking at my resume, and what does it say?

 

Ellie Kemper  36:14

Okay, it’s correct.

 

Scott Eckert  36:15

Google says yes, seeds can cause appendicitis. Seeds are the third most common foreign object found in the appendix. Now I want to.

 

Michelle Collins  36:25

Okay, oh, geez. Now this is what I need.

 

Ellie Kemper  36:27

Aren’t they always telling you to eat seeds?

 

Michelle Collins  36:31

Big appendix, yeah. I don’t even know what that means, but so stupid.

 

Ellie Kemper  36:40

Great, yeah.

 

Michelle Collins  36:40

But I also hate jelly, like, consistencies, yeah? And my issue with, like, overnight oats or the chia seeds, it’s like eating snot. To me. I also don’t like, like, on good filter fish. I don’t like the jelly, like, just savory jellies do not scratch an itch for me, right, right? So I know they’re really good for you. I also don’t exercise, so, like, it’s completely fine. Like, I’ll live without a Chia see, do you like them?

 

Ellie Kemper  37:02

I am terrified of chia sees, and I’ll tell you why, because when you look at the instructions on the bag, it’s like, soak that. It basically makes me worried if you don’t soak them first, that they will I never associate it with the appendix, but that they will explode in your body because they’ll get so big. So I try, I do try to avoid them. I mean, I don’t make them on my own, if given to me and like an oatmeal at the cafe, I guess I trust that they’ve prepared it how you’re supposed to, but it or chia seed pudding, I don’t know what. I guess. I don’t know. Wait, no, I’ve never had it. I’ve never.

 

Scott Eckert  37:36

This is what I found.

 

Ellie Kemper  37:38

Okay?

 

Scott Eckert  37:41

The foreign bodies leading to appendicitis can be listed as follows, metal needles, shot particles swallowed by eating the animals, meat, meaning, like a shotgun. You know, if you kill a deer and you eat it, tooth, a tooth, stick, tooth fills and fruit seeds. So like if the filling in your tooth, the filling in your tooth falls out causes.

 

Michelle Collins  38:05

I’m gonna bring up the obvious. I’m gonna bring up the obvious because that, out of those five things, the only thing that I ever swallow regularly, and this is gonna sound horrible, are seeds. So I’m not eating shot put. I’m not eating needles. You know that would be like a hospital visit for a different reason. Okay, my feelings are still intact. Yeah, honey, seeds are going in every day, and you can take or leave it. I know what I’m saying.

 

Ellie Kemper  38:28

I’m embarrassed and apologetic for doubting you, because I I’ve never heard of that before. All I hear are health experts urging me to eat more seeds and and I so this is confusing and eye opening, frankly.

 

Scott Eckert  38:43

I love it. Eye opening, entertaining and most importantly, I think, informative. We’ve learned something about our bodies. Michelle, thanks to you, my mom.

 

Michelle Collins  38:54

I’m always here for those three things. Anytime you call, I’m here.

 

Ellie Kemper  38:59

Michelle, what would you like please take a minute to promote yourself. There is no do not be shy. Do not be bashful. What are you? What can where can listeners find you? What are you up to? You’re so many things.

 

Michelle Collins  39:11

I thought you’d never ask. Well, I actually if you enjoyed all the information you got here on this show, I have a daily, believe it or not, daily podcast called The Michelle Collins show, kill me anyway, but you can go, you can sign up for a free trial, but it’s, it’s almost like too many episodes. I do five episodes and then a bonus one with my mother every week. My mother is one of the funniest of all time. So you can go to patreon.com/michcoll or just go to my Instagram. The Link obviously in the bio, M, I, C, H, C, O, L, L, and please, anytime we’d love to have you, we’re coming on. We’ll be there. Thank you for having me.

 

Ellie Kemper  39:47

I had the best time. Thank you so much for being our guest. You’re just an extraordinary person, and I just feel better always after talking to you, Scott, what a beautiful conversation that was.

 

Scott Eckert  39:59

Such a delight, so funny. I’ve you’ve been friends with her for a long time, and now I want her to be my friend. I want, I want Michelle to be my friend. And I want those wipes, those fancy airline wipes.

 

Ellie Kemper  40:12

Can I tell you, when she actually showed us the wipes? I thought, oh, that that now I see why she loves them. You’ve never seen something given away is such a small, compact packet that spreads into a wipe that large. So she’s also persuaded me to fly solely united.

 

Scott Eckert  40:32

I don’t know about that. I’m a Delta man myself, but I didn’t really want to tell her that on the on the interview.

 

Ellie Kemper  40:36

Good choice, Scott good choice.

 

Scott Eckert  40:40

What are you looking forward to this week, Ellie?

 

Ellie Kemper  40:42

Scott, can I again, I feel like I’m thrilled of the controversy today, but I’m looking forward I have some birthday parties that not people my age, but people my son’s age, kids, I guess you could call them.

 

Scott Eckert  40:51

It’s birthday parties, and you’re looking forward to them instead of, instead of dreading them with all your being.

 

Ellie Kemper  40:57

Oh, totally. Do you know I have had several weekends in a row of no birthday parties. And I’m telling you, it’s just when you’re at a birthday party and you’re thinking, oh my gosh, this is so much work, and the getting the present and getting there and all of it, and it’s overwhelming, and it’s kids screaming, consider the alternative, because you could be at home with the kids having nothing to do, and you’re you’re trying to get them to play creatively and just play make believe or whatever it is, and that never works. Scott, it’s kids need other kids. Okay, I said it so that’s why I’m looking forward to it, because they will have other kids, and I can be alone in the corner eating cake that I’m not supposed to have because it was for the kids, but that I’m really looking forward to that. How about you, Scott.

 

Scott Eckert  41:39

Well, I just want to say, as with daylight savings, you’ve completely turned me around. Ellie, you’re right. I agree. I hate kids birthday parties, but they’re better than the alternative. What am I looking forward to this week? I am going to see an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Ellie, it was not my idea. Our mutual friend Blyth suggested it, and I’m gonna go with my wife, and we’re gonna go on a double date. We’re going to see an Alfred Hitchcock movie at an old fashioned movie theater. And I don’t, I’m, I’m, I I’m, I’ve never seen it, and I’m excited. I may hate it. What movie is it? Well, I’m embarrassed, Ellie, because the thing is that so many people, especially you know in our industry, they’ve got such a catalog of of films they’ve seen your your husband among them. And I’m ashamed because I my Filmography In terms of what I’ve seen and not isn’t great. It’s Strangers on a Train. I haven’t seen Strangers on a Train, have you?

 

Ellie Kemper  42:34

Of course, I have not seen Strangers on a Train. This is what, when, when. Okay, so maybe you’re embarrassed, you know, in front of the people who might be listening, but in front of me, Scott, you know, I haven’t seen anything. You know, I haven’t read anything.

 

Scott Eckert  42:47

I thought Michael might have dragged you to some fancy art house cinema, and you saw Strangers on a Train, and you loved it. We did a Christmas episode last week or last year, Ellie, and your favorite movie was, meet me in St Louis, which was made in what, 1940?

 

Ellie Kemper  43:04

I don’t know when it was made. I don’t know when it was made. It was when Judy Garland was alive, because she’s in it. So, yeah, that man, it is, well, but, but that, I mean, that movie, who hasn’t seen that movie? No, I’m kidding. And then, do you remember SNL did a spoof of of, meet me in St Louis, and it was like, who’s seen this movie? And I was so happy it was represented on Saturday night, live anyway, Scott, that’s gonna be a blast. I haven’t seen that movie. Wasn’t invited to see the movie, but maybe I’ll rent the movie, because it sounds absolutely fantastic, I know.

 

Scott Eckert  43:32

It’s two Strangers on a Train. I mean, every train is full of strangers. What’s different about this one?

 

Ellie Kemper  43:38

Well, you’re about to find out, and I guarantee you it’s going to be spooky. That’s gonna be really good, Scott, well, thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Born to Love. If you want to find me, and I hope you do. I’m @EllieKemper on Instagram.

 

Scott Eckert  43:56

And I am @meScottEckert on Twitter, be sure to leave us a five star review, and if you have any thoughts or questions for the show, send us an email at borntolovefeedback@gmail.com.

 

CREDITS  44:07

There’s more Born To Love with Lemonada Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content where we flip the script and talk about something we don’t love. This week, Scott gripes about clumping cat litter. Here are gripes, and not just our loves, but only if you subscribe in Apple podcasts. Born to Love is a production of Lemonada Media our producers are Kegan Zema and Aria Bracci.  Our engineers are Ivan Karaev and James Sparber. Our SVP of weekly production is Steve Nelson, and our cover art photography is by Tony Russo. Executive Producers are Jessica Cordova Kramer, Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Ellie Kemper and Scott Eckert follow Born To Love. Wherever you get your podcasts or listen ad free on Amazon music with your Prime membership. Thanks for listening, and in the immortal words of Harrison Ford from. Air Force One get off my plane.