Veronica: When You Came Too Loudly Last Night

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Ever had butt stuff be off limits for years? Veronica Garza knows the feeling. Through her stand-up, self-reflection, and sex life, the Brooklyn-based comedian navigates challenges big and small, all while answering the questions she’s spent years asking. How did her Catholic upbringing affect her queer identity? How has therapy helped her realize what she deserves? And wait – HOW many actors and athletes have factored into her sexual journey? Tune in and start counting.

You can find Veronica on Instagram at @veros_got_jokes and on Twitter @veros_broke.

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Veronica, Claire Jones

Veronica  00:01

Yes, someone had sex last night that somebody was me. And it went really well. She considers going down on a person like very personal. And I really wanted to get to because I tried once. Oh my gosh, that woman is delicious. Hi, I’m Veronica Garza, my pronouns are she/her, and you’re listening to good sex. I’m a Brooklyn based stand-up comedian, originally from Texas on queer and Mexican American. I’m super funny. I’m very excited to be here today and to talk about sex. It’s weird, I had an orgasm at midnight. So I don’t know if that counts if I had sex yesterday, or if I had sex today. Either way, it happened. It was really good. It’s this woman I’ve been seen for like five or six weeks, and we’ve been really slow with everything. Like it’s the most like slow. I’ve gone in regards to like sexually approaching I guess our relationship with a woman. It’s so gay. It’s so sensual. It’s passionate. There’s like a lot of stare at in each other’s eyes. When I came. I legit said after I hate this, you know, after you call me say stupid shit. I said, I looked her in the eyes. And I said, I have so many gay feelings for you. I do though. And that’s what’s scary. Right? So the difference in the sex I’m having with this person is well, this obviously, this is obviously a very good response as well. There’s definitely a clear connection. And there’s also a respect not that there wasn’t there before. But I think I will preface with this. I went sober last year in June. So this past year in regards to dating and sex, it’s the first time I’ve had sober sex. But this past year was me learning how to approach that. And sober sex is a whole different thing. Because you know, when you have sex, someone you want to have like maybe one or two drinks, so you can like feel your best. But this whole thing about like learning to get outside of my head and with her because I like her so much. Like if she if I feel like maybe she’s not doing something that’s more of a healthy way of like, Hey, I liked that. Please do that more. Or, hey, would you like to try this? Or you could, it’s been very healthy. And I think that’s what I really like about it.

Veronica  02:29

Let’s see what moments stuck out to me that made me think, oh, I want to I want to stick with this. She’s very good with her mouth. Wherever she puts it on me. I’m always like, oh, I didn’t even know that was a spot. Like, she doesn’t stay good to her tongue right on top of my ear. And I’m just like, how does she do that? Because when I do it, I just feel like stupid. I don’t know if I’m working right. But everywhere she puts her mouth, it seems to work. And I’ve never had that we’re very sexually compatible, which I really like. This past week, I’ve had a lot of like, things that I’m working on. So it’s just been like, for me mentally to kind of get back and be present. It’s been a little bit more difficult. So I had a little bit of a problem, like having an orgasm earlier this week. And then last night she threw me on the better place. And she’s like, No, you’re not doing shit. And I’m like, yes. So she’s do it everything, whatever that eventually I did, I had I orgasm, and when I did, it was really loud. It was uncomfortably loud, even for me. And so it was just a moment of silence after I did and we’re holding each other and the first thing I said was, I’m gonna go now because you can’t unhear that. I was on top of her. And she just starts laughing that she texted me that earlier and she’s like, You need to apologize to my neighbors. It was very dramatic. Even for me. I’m rather chill, but that was where it was. It was like is she faking it? No, I wasn’t it was so good.

Veronica  04:03

All right. What’s one place on my body that I found unexpectedly sexy over the years. Oh, this is listed. I don’t know if you follow me on Instagram, but I post a couple of thirst because like I’m going to be 40 next year and I look fucking great. Listen, My arms are really good. My abs are great. I will show off my abs. Alright, cool. All right. They’re not great. Great, because I just ate but I think there’s something there. Hold up. Hold up. Let’s see if I can pose let’s see. But here. There we go. So I have ABS I do have abs. I’m very proud of those because they’ve maintained over the years. My mind my brain. Does that count? I definitely feel like this woman that I’ve been seeing. She’s by far the most beautiful women I’ve ever known or been with or dated. Because when I first met her I was surprised she was laughing. But that’s the thing like I’m funny, my humor my brain people We’re attracted to people who are smart, dumb, that trait a lot like just being able to think and listen to a person and be able to have a conversation just being smart.

Veronica  05:17

Okay, what’s my relationship like with self-love? Masturbation. I’d say, man, this is a whole thing just because I’m Catholic. Like anytime I touch myself for a while, I’ve felt like you’re not supposed to be doing this. But I think I’m gonna do it. Like, I had got this new showerhead and I had to replace it, unfortunately, because it didn’t have the water filter I liked. But I remember I was just like, I was maintaining slash shaving stuff, keeping it clean down there, and the water pressure was perfect. It was very perfect. And it was for a moment I left it on there too long. And I’m like, You know what? No one knows what you’re doing. No one knows where you’re going. Just let that I just let it run. And I kept it clean. Very clean. I think that’s the best way Catholic can masturbate honestly. Oh, perfect. So session for me. About to master me. I say I know for sure it would be a Sunday after I have all my errands done because I can’t do anything unless you know houses clean groceries like my meal prep is done. Let’s just get that out of the way. I would text my neighbor and be like, Hey, can Colin go upstairs my dog he has a boyfriend upstairs. Colin is a bottom and he goes upstairs in the upstairs dog just like gives it to him speaking of sex, and I would send him upstairs. I have definitely gotten two candles this past couple of months. So you know light a couple candles in I you know, I sound so bad. But I would put like, there’s a highlight of like KU basketball from the 2000 men’s, KU men’s basketball from the 2008 NCAA championship. There’s a highlight reel on YouTube, I will play that because that makes me super hyped. But it also makes me want to cry. And that’s that enthusiasm I have for Kansas basketball. And the feeling when they when they win is basically how I feel when I come to great elated feel. It’s like we won, you know, we did it together. And sometimes I didn’t do the work but like, I’m celebrated and I feel good. I don’t need music, just let that play and then, you know, when they went just, that’s, I’m gonna be honest, that’s really what works for me. What’s something from porn that I did or almost convinced myself to do? I did use porn to like, teach myself to like, go down on women in some sense. So when I first started sleeping with women, or when I was the idea was that while the other one was there, of course, and I had been with this woman and I hadn’t done as much as I would have liked to because I was nervous. I you know, this was my first time doing this. It’s very new, unfamiliar, but I wanted to I would you know, put my phone on private and look up like what to do did it to make a woman calm with your mouth, blah, blah, blah. I was looking at all this shit. And it was stupid. Like I was reading the bro Bible like an idiot. So I then Google searched celebs with porns where they eat pussy, and Colin Farrell  came up. So I watched Colin Farrell, like rail, this hot chick, and he like, went down on her. And he’s just Colin Farrell being like hot and Irish just like going down on this woman. And it is unlike Oh, that’s it. But I also didn’t steal his technique. He was going really fast. But I used that porn to like, hype me up to like, eat buzzy. And it worked because it was kind of like it reminded me of the first time I saw stand-up comedy. And I was like, I went and saw someone perform that I kind of knew and they were doing okay, and I was like I can do that. But I can also be better. And that’s kind of how I like use that porn.

Veronica  09:35

Describe my sex toy journey. I say I don’t really think it’s a journey as opposed to just like, oh, this is what I’ll get. And read regards to I mean, of course like vibrator basic fiber. My first vibrator was given to me. Someone gave it to me. They told me they’re like, oh, I went to a sex party and then I got this for free and I gave it to because you were sad because I was crying over a breakup at albatross bar in Queens. And so I got a free vibrator. And like, I’m very like, my sex toy journey has been cheap. It’s been very cheap. I have like this vibrating butt plug that was given to me that I will never use, it was given to me at $3 bill, people keep giving me sex toys. I don’t think my sex toy journey has made a dent yet. I mean, lesbians were just spontaneous. And we use what we got. And it’s been really good. And I wouldn’t say easy but fun that way, because we’re very creative. What’s left on my sexual to do list three things. Tessa Thompson Tessa, Thompson, Tessa Thompson. No. So here’s the thing. I did have this joke for years, where I talked about how I always wanted someone to baby bird me, which is basically them spitting water in your mouth. I have this joke where I want to, like, I know, she’s the one when she lets me do it to her. Like she does it like, you know, like, that’d be spent vodka in her mouth. I don’t drink at bars. That’s to be water or Seltzer, a non-alcoholic beverage. But I said like, marry her. And then recently like this woman, and she was like, she go, we were eating some cans, some candy that might upset your neighbor brought me. She was like, do you want to put that in my mouth after you put it in your mouth? And I was like, Are you serious? And just the fact that she offered? Um, like, I didn’t know where to go with that. I didn’t do it. Because I’m like, No, I’m not going to do it. But the fact that the offer was there, and I got this close, like it went like this, it was very close. Like I had to salted chocolate caramel in my mouth. And I got to her mouth like this. And she opened up like this a little bit. And I just pulled away. The fact that I know she would do it, I don’t need to do it. What’s left on my sexual to do lists. I mean, assholes are in you know, and like, I dated someone you know, with Crohn’s for five years. So like, I couldn’t go back there. And I did not want to. It was off the table for like, five years. Then the other day I legit was just like, oh, that’s an option again. Maybe not yet. I’m not trying to like we’re going in a very nice slow pace. I really like it. But if that comes up, listen, I’m diving, diving. Which part of my identity has most impacted? How I see myself? Sexually? That’s a tough question. I think it’s all honestly in regards to like myself, like, seeing myself sexually. And as open as I am. And as whatever I describe it as now has been a part of like therapy. And I didn’t, I didn’t grow up like, you know, in Texas, right? You know, if you’re a woman, you’re encouraged to sit with women, you think it’s like a, it’s just like a sin. They think they don’t encourage it. They think it’s weird. They don’t think it’s normal. So I think coming to New York, like I think that part of me, is what truly impacted me because I could be myself and figure it out. But also in doing that going to therapy. I think that’s made me more comfortable and who I am sexually because you learn how to talk about what you don’t like how to set boundaries, how to respect boundaries, how to bring up conversations. That was what that Catholic identity that was a rough one for a bit, man. Like that’s still so here’s the thing, like I occasionally go to Catholic church that is very encouraging in regards to like being queer.

Veronica  13:51

And I think part of my Catholic identity like that, that at first, it was weird, because it’s like, oh, this is a sin. This isn’t wrong. They don’t talk about this. But then I’m like, Well, God loves everyone. So why wouldn’t he love me if I love a woman? And then I get back to this example, I’ll explain that, you know, this one time, I went to Paris and I’m at this Catholic church, and I go to confession. And I say, I tell the priest tell them that I’m in a relationship with a woman. And he asked me if I’m in love, and I said yes. And he said, well, that’s great, because love is the most powerful force we have. And that right there I guess with my Catholic identity like hearing that someone agree with it, in some sense. It made me more confident with who I am sexually, so it kind of like negated the whole like, Catholic experience of like, gay is bad.

Veronica  14:50

What do I wish my younger self knew about queer sex? I wish my younger self just knew that it was existed for all people. All I ever know ever people talked about was like men sleeping with other men. Like I never heard about women sitting with other women. So I wish that, but I also just wish I knew, you know, one, it exists but also that it’s okay. I think that’s the main thing I wish I would have known. Like, I wish she knew that. She didn’t have some shame from it. Because like, like I’ve mentioned Yeah, in Texas, like they’re just like, that’s bad. And then you I remember telling myself when I was younger having this feeling. Oh, it’s just a phase. Oh, you’ll grow out of it. Oh, that’s not right. Just like sleep with men, which is what I did. And you know, when I say my younger self knew that means like, yeah, maybe teenager or when I was 11-12. But also, I kind of wish like my younger self in my 20s knew more, because then maybe I would have been out sooner. What do I find funny about sex? Oh, man. I’ll just give you this instance of what I find funny about sex last night. Yes, I had sex last night Did I tell you? So I’m in the lift. Coming home from Washington Heights. That’s how good it is. I live in Park Slope and I’m in Washington Heights. Having sex Okay, so much. I like this woman. Anyway. So I get in the lift, and I’m sitting in the lift and we start driving away from her apartment, and like five minutes and I’m like, dang, this lyft smells like sex. I was like, no way bitch. That’s you. Thank you for listening to GOOD SEX.

CREDITS  16:45

GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media Original. The show was produced by Kegan Zema and Dani Matias our supervising producer is Xorje Olivares. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad and APM music. If you like GOOD SEX, please rate and review us. Listen and follow for new episodes each week, wherever you’re listening right now. And if you want more good sex, subscribe to Lemonada Premium for some quickies additional conversations between our guests only on Apple podcasts.

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