Jeffrey Jay (BEING Trans) and Jason Van Glass are both stand up comedians who bonded over identifying as asexual. The two friends discuss how finding this label was liberating, and why they’d much rather be doing crafts than having sex. And while Jeffrey gets himself into trouble at adult sleepovers, Jason explains how he can feel isolated in a culture that encourages coupling up.
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Jeffrey, Jason Van Glass
In the last 10 years, I think visibility has come a long way. But even if people have heard of it, they don’t have any expectations. They may not have met anyone else that’s ever identified this way.
Hi, I’m Jeffrey J, and my pronouns are he/him.
Jason Van Glass 00:20
And I’m Jason Van Glass, and my pronouns are also he/him.
And we’re both asexual comedians.
Jason Van Glass 00:27
You’re listening to GOOD SEX.. For me, what connects us is that, like, I’m a sexual, there’s not a lot of out asexual people. And at open mics, and comedy shows, you see a lot of like, straight White men that are mad at their ex-wives or something. And I just, I usually just feel a rapport with any comedian that’s coming from a different angle. Because even though I’m a white man, I don’t resonate with any of that type of comedy at all, I definitely am an outsider.
Yeah, I was drawn to Jason. So the for the one thing, the asexual thing just impressed me. But I think the truth in comedy is what I’m immediately drawn to anybody who is genuinely taking this thing that’s weird or different about them, or that makes their life a daily struggle, or is a complication, and they just genuinely get on stage and talk about it. And that’s the kind of person I want to be around. Alright, so I have a question for you. And as a person, you always kind of feels like kind of the newbie, because I came out as asexual way later than you. How do you experience attraction?
Jason Van Glass 02:00
Rarely do I experience attraction. I don’t think when I do experience, it’s the same phenomenon that other people are describing. My attraction to the extent that it exists at all seems to be people that are creatively accomplishing things like painters, or like if I find out someone’s doing ceramics, even if it’s not like a sexual or dating attraction, I just get very excited when someone’s doing a craft. Really, I’m like a little bit jealous, I’m a little bit envious. And that, to me, that’s something that like always piques my interest in someone, when I find out that they are deeply engaged in some sort of craft like that.
I agree. I’m the same thing. Every once in a while somebody will be like, that person is hot, but I don’t feel any sort of urges or anything. And typically, more than anything, I’m just drawn to a person that I want to be friends with. But it is weird to me, because it’s been so many years, since I’ve felt like a strong urge to be like, genuinely, like turned on by a person.
Jason Van Glass 03:24
Yeah. And when I do have that spark, even though like I still don’t think that’s the same as when other people have a spark, when I do have that thing, it just piques my interest, I just want to get to know that person or hang out see that person again or something? Because it’s like, oh, that’s so cool that you do this thing? Because yeah, so much of my life is based around trying to finish I take pleasure in the crowd and the projects I have finished. But of course, I have more projects than any normal person could finish in one lifetime.
Yeah, but also still more than the average person can finish because I sometimes people still say like, how did you do all of this? And I was like, I wasn’t thinking about wanting to have sex with anybody. I wasn’t.
Jason Van Glass 04:07
Yeah, it’s a joke for my actors. That is that if you think about how much time you the audience has spent in the last 10 years trying to get laid. You have to realize that’s all free time. For me. It’s the setup to at least to a joke where it’s like I feel like that’s the distinguishing characteristic. I just have I have a lot of free time. Stand-up comedian isn’t trying to date anybody. It’s all free time. I have a question for you, Jeffrey. It’s my understanding from your material that over the course of your life that you’ve gotten to know yourself better you’ve gone through some different labels. And I’m wondering if it’s easier, the fourth time you come out.
I don’t think coming out ever gets easier. I think you expect it to get easier. I actually have a story about that. This is If I had been working on this thing where I had come out to my dad and I expected this, asexuality coming out to be the easiest one. I was like, Hey, dad, you know that thing you’re worried about with me? You know sex? Like I’m not having it is what I expected that to be like, oh, lovely. I don’t have to worry about anything. So I said, dad, I’m asexual. And he was like, you know your sexual chakra is actually really important. I was like, come on, man. Good. This was the one that was supposed to be easy. And he was like, hmm, maybe that’s something that you should see someone about. Also, who do I see about, a shaman?
Jason Van Glass 05:45
Yeah. What are your parents like the chakras entered the equation?
So no, it doesn’t get easier. And it also is odd coming out as asexual. In fact, it’s been hard for me. Because in media, there’s the common idea that queer people are turned into, into unix or asexual individuals, because they don’t want to show sexuality. So it was hard for me to identify because I thought, but this is how I feel. But you guys are telling me that’s bad to portray. But I’m sorry that I am the caricature that you think I am, which is the floating around the room, hi, this is me. I’m crafting. And I’m not having sex with anyone. And I’m non-threatening. And I’m sorry.
Jason Van Glass 06:37
Yeah. The only stupid question anyone ever asked me once was there was an implication that my sexuality was because my parents are religious or something. And my parents are actually not religious at all. They’re super liberal and super supportive. It has nothing to do with that, of course. But yeah, I live the shame free lifestyle for sure. Because I’m not. That’s not part of it at all. I’m not trying to I’m not like someone that’s trying to join a nunnery or something. That’s not the aversion.
Yeah. The other side, for me and recently, has been things like, oh, have you never, it’s because you either never had sex or because you had a bad sexual experience. And for me, that was, I’ve had so much sex, I’ve had sex with women. And I don’t know. And it comes off as like an It’s not meant to be a brag, but it is nice to say it was nice to say. But if I had great sexes with women, great sex with men, great sex with partners. And now guess what, I just can’t be bothered with it. And I love it. And I don’t have the urge. And I don’t want to have the urge and suffering to fix it because it’s fabulous. And on that note, I’m curious why you felt so many years ago, the want or need to come out as asexual?
Jason Van Glass 08:01
I don’t know, if I felt the need to come out. It’s just part of my life. And when it comes up, it comes up. And once I found that label for myself, it clarified so many things that had already been happening for more than a decade or whatever. It’s like, oh, okay, that just makes sense. And I guess I value self-knowledge and I value seeing things clearly to the best of our ability. And so when you find a label that makes everything fall in place, that’s a really useful label. And so I never had some big, no one’s ever gotten like a big, tariff, tearful reveal or anything. It’s just part of my life the same as like, yeah, I have a dog, or I have you know, I live in this neighborhood. It’s just like part of me and when it’s relevant, it’s relevant.
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Jason Van Glass 09:14
My next question is actually how we; you feel about being sexualized or the object of crushes?
I think I like it. I think I like being the object of crushes and things. Because I, well, you know what I do, I think Ay ay ay ay, sexualize it again, where I go, like, that’s sweet. And that’s cool. And that’s cute. I get myself in trouble sometimes. More often than not because I assume that other adult humans also just want to and do have slumber parties all the time. And more than once in my life, I have ended up in bed with somebody II, where I just thought we were having a great time and that we were having a sleepover, and then they would lean over and kiss me, it’d be like, oh, this person likes me. And then sometimes we would even have sex, like, we would be like, and it would be lovely. But I did not know it was coming.
Jason Van Glass 10:18
I’ve definitely been there a couple times. I think you’re, you’re very, like you say, like, outgoing. And so I think, a I’m oblivious to whatever flirting is maybe sometimes happening with me. But also, I think my persona is not giving off the same playfulness or something that it’s not. And so it’s like, yeah, I do want we should hang out and play video games or something, these things that could be construed as like dating things, but it’s like, no, it’s just fun to hang out. I don’t know why we’d want to do anything else, per se.
Yeah, I don’t want to get sweaty. I would like to do crafts in […], on that note of being sexualized. I started working out after I got sober. And when I say work out, I play VR video games, dancing games. That’s all I do. And but I do it a lot. And I really love it. And I ended up getting like, like, almost like it like abs, like, like, almost, I felt like I’m gonna tell me it’s cool. It’s like a hard to me. And how much I loved just like doing things for me where I just, I kind of I am me, and they look like me, because I want to be me. And I like me. And there’s no sexual drive about it. And I find myself being way happier with my body because it’s just all for me.
Jason Van Glass 11:50
It may be it sounds selfish, but yeah, I do everything for myself. And it’s liberating. I’m not trying to live my life in a way that will appeal to some swath of other random people I haven’t met yet. I’m not trying you know. And so I can dress in the fun clothes. I want to dress in. I can read the weird books I want to read. I’m not trying to mold myself to be acceptable to some dating pool. And yeah, everything I do is for myself, but that’s like an empowering to me. It’s not selfish. It’s a liberation theology for sure.
Has your asexuality caused any challenges in building and maintaining relationships? Or friendships? Or do you think there’s strength in it?
Jason Van Glass 12:50
Do you feel that it’s affected you?
No, I don’t. And I have the added benefit of being in a relationship, which is its own separate bit of navigating with somebody who is not asexual when I am asexual. And it was both freeing, and it’s been a lot of conversation and making sure we’re both happy and but do you want a relationship? And what would you be looking for? If you did?
Jason Van Glass 13:24
I just want to be invited to dinner parties. I’m sure that they’re happening. And I want I want to come to the dinner party; I am totally open to a relationship. I just don’t know how I would get from point A to point C, because the apps and other things are very sex centric. As far as I can tell, and I think a relationship would be really healthy and really good. And I just don’t know how to get there. It’s definitely a created a challenge to having relationships. Because most people prioritize sex it’s in the it’s at the top of the list or close to it as far as I can tell. And as you mentioned, with like sleepover slumber parties are something that’s like no, to me, it’s not that I wouldn’t have sex with somebody in relationship, but it wouldn’t be the purpose or point or the main thing. The main thing is like, it’s more fun to watch a movie with someone than by myself. And usually I watch them by myself. But it’s more fun to do stuff with people. And so much of our culture in our 20s and 30s is built around like a dating expectation that it’s hard. It’s hard to be the third wheel or just be out on your own and try and get involved in things when everyone else is pairing up. To me it’s not just the opportunity to share the things you’re passionate about, but it’s a chance to learn about the things they’re passionate about and me Maybe share them or maybe not meet the people they know that are different but maybe not totally different than your social circle. It’s everything in our society is built around this expectation of being in a pair. And I don’t know I think I would be very happy in a sexless marriage.
We’re gonna be asexual sex icon. If you’d like to hear more from me or Jason, you can find me at @heyjeffreyjay.
Jason Van Glass 15:43
You can find me at @JasonVanGlass.
Thanks for listening to GOOD SEX.
GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media Original. The show was produced by Kegan Zema and Dani Matias our supervising producer is Xorje Olivares. Executive Producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad and APM music. If you like GOOD SEX, please rate and review us. Listen and follow for new episodes each week, wherever you’re listening right now. And if you want more good sex, subscribe to Lemonada Premium for some quickies additional conversations between our guests only on Apple podcasts.