Who Gave Paul and Janie COVID? (with Paul F. Tompkins & Janie Haddad Tompkins)
This episode has everything: pangolin parties, problematic parents, Paul F. and Janie Haddad Tompkins. Hoja, Kiki, and Mohanad sit down with the comedy supercouple to discuss some of life’s biggest questions: What is a smell made of? Who gave Janie and Paul COVID? What do the Johnny Depp v. Amber Heard trial and the January 6th Capitol attack have in common? (Hint: it’s poop.) Plus, the crew reacts to an apology from an I’m Sorry listener, and Hoja makes a gag-worthy revelation that leaves Paul on the verge of vomiting. It’s an episode not to be missed!
Please note, I’m Sorry contains mature themes and may not be appropriate for all listeners.
Follow Janie on Twitter @janiehaddad and on Instagram @lebaneselooker. Keep up with Paul on Twitter and Instagram @pftompkins. Catch Paul on the Comedy Bang! Bang! Live! tour this summer: https://www.comedybangbangworld.com/tour/.
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For additional resources, information, and a transcript of the episode, visit lemonadamedia.com.
Hoja Lopez, Paul Tompkins, Janie Tompkins, Mohanad Elshieky, Kiki Monique
Kiki Monique 00:00
Hi I’m Kiki Monique. And this is I’M SORRY, your weekly dose of pop culture, celebrity missteps and public apologies. And this week, I’m in Vegas and I’ve already lost $200 in a slot machine.
Mohanad Elshieky 00:21
Well, and this is Mohanad Elshieky and this week I have not lost any money yet. So we’ll see how it goes.
Hoja Lopez 00:27
And I’m Hoja Lopez, and this week, we’re talking to two very funny people. Janie Haddad Tompkins and Paul F. Tompkins. You know, Jamie from the Regular Show and Comedy Bang Bang. And you know, Paul from Bojack Horseman, Bajillion Dollar Properties, Mr. Show, and so much more. Their podcast is stay up homekins with Janie Haddad Tompkins and Paul F. Tompkins. They are truly a comedy super couple, and I cannot wait to talk to them. So let’s get into it.
Kiki Monique 00:53
Yes, I totally want to get into this. But one last thing before we dive into today’s episode, you may have noticed that I’m sorry, has brand new cover art with our three beautiful faces on it. We just wanted to give a shout out to the artists who made it. Her name is Carly Jean Andrews. Thank you so much, Carly. All right. We got to get into Janie and Paul.
Hoja Lopez 01:17
Hello, welcome. We’re so excited to have you guys.
Paul Tompkins 01:21
It’s nothing but exciting for us.
Janie Tompkins 01:22
It’s so exciting to be here.
Hoja Lopez 01:25
Thank you. So, how did you guys hear about the show? Like because Mo, connected us, like, how did this happen?
Janie Tompkins 01:35
Well, I’m a listener. Okay. And I think somehow, I can’t remember but we tweet it. We Instagram or tweeted at each other. Right Mohanad? I was like, Oh my gosh, maybe I was like congratulating you on the Webby. I don’t know what happened. But then you were like our producer is gonna reach out and I was like, why? was just sort of like it was just a very cat like we slid into one another’s DMS, you know?
Hoja Lopez 02:06
That phrase slid into your DMS. Yeah, so it’s fun.
Mohanad Elshieky 02:13
Yeah, it doesn’t sound weird at all. Yeah, very natural. Yes,
Kiki Monique 02:18
I tried to slide into Caesars Palace, I’m in Vegas right now. I tried to slide into Caesars Palace to get a free buffet and they were not having it.
Paul Tompkins 02:31
But you were able to direct message them and they?
Kiki Monique 02:36
They were like, you know, here’s the number for our reservation.
Mohanad Elshieky 02:47
When you asked for free stuff. And they’re like, here’s a code. I’m like, no, no, I asked for something free.
Paul Tompkins 02:51
I think the only way to do it. You got to shame Caesars online. That’s how you do it.
Mohanad Elshieky 03:06
I mean, there’s so much to say. I mean, you can like you know, say something about their name. I don’t know. But like the fucked up shit that Caesar has done, you want to associate with in 2022? I feel like we do need to cancel this because I had I actually had a dream last night that I was hooking up with Eminem. And then I woke up okay, and then I went back to sleep. Eminem had morphed into Sam from Siesta Key. I don’t know if you watch Siesta Key, but it’s like there’s this guy who’s a billionaire on their named Sam who also has a season cut. So for some reason everyone I was hooking up with in my dreams last night had a Caesar cut. And I think it’s because I didn’t get that free buffet. It’s on my mind.
Janie Tompkins 03:52
2002 George Clooney.
Paul Tompkins 04:00
Did he do the Cesar on ER, was it when he was towards the end of his tenure on er?
Hoja Lopez 04:08
Indy girls call it micro bangs essentially.
Janie Tompkins 04:16
I remember it was a big deal. It was like his maybe his exit haircut.
Paul Tompkins 04:21
Near felicity level of outrage over a haircut
Janie Tompkins 04:28
Remember that? Like she can do whatever she wants she’s so like cute and people were mad.
Hoja Lopez 04:35
It was like America was like the boyfriend that’s like my like you with long hair but it’s all of us.
Paul Tompkins 04:44
Let’s not miss the message which is cute. People should be allowed to do whatever they want. That was my takeaway. Yeah.
Janie Tompkins 04:53
But she gave us so much with her good acting now.
Hoja Lopez 05:00
And I think maybe we owe Keri Russell a bit of an apology then because I feel like we just have major opinions on something we just didn’t really need to have an opinion on.
Mohanad Elshieky 05:15
I’m glad people don’t do that anymore. Everyone minds their business now.
Kiki Monique 05:27
Let me get back to my Johnny Depp.
Janie Tompkins 05:32
You can unmute it in between.
Paul Tompkins 05:34
Like, we shouldn’t be seeing that. Why is that on television? It’s none of our business.
Mohanad Elshieky 05:50
I love how many like people just have a lot of opinions. And I like both sides. Be like, it’s such an American culture thing to be like, I have to pick a team here.
Janie Tompkins 06:00
There’s like no middle ground. It’s like one or the other. It’s like, yeah, it’s like everything’s a competition who suffered the most.
Paul Tompkins 06:09
For me, I just want everybody to have a good time. No matter who wins the trial, just have fun.
Janie Tompkins 06:16
Get back together, you know, like I’m really rooting.
Mohanad Elshieky 06:23
If I was in the trial, every time someone finished a testimony, I’d be like, hey, good set.
Janie Tompkins 06:31
I do hope so for real, like the January 6 hearings are as feverishly followed.
Mohanad Elshieky 06:38
I hope so. No, I hope so. Yeah. I mean, has any of them been in a pirate movie?
Janie Tompkins 06:47
What did you consider January 6, it looks like a crazy pirate movie?
Hoja Lopez 06:57
But the image of a single white woman leaning over a bed frame and just taking a giant dump on a bed doesn’t have the same impact as 1000s of people.
Janie Tompkins 07:12
There were feces in the rotunda.
Paul Tompkins 07:15
That’s what they have in common. That’s the overlapping the Venn diagram.
Janie Tompkins 07:21
Oh, there is like going there can be like a fecal matter. Hashtag crossover.
Mohanad Elshieky 07:28
Wow. We made the connection.
Mohanad Elshieky 07:30
If I start hashtag fecal matters. I really cannot.
Mohanad Elshieky 07:49
So you guys both have COVID now, how’s that go?
Janie Tompkins 08:00
They’ve only tweeted about it like crazy.
Mohanad Elshieky 08:03
I’m just asking because I’m wondering like, do you think anyone owes you an apology for this? Like, who made like, who gave you COVID?
Paul Tompkins 08:10
Oh, I wish we could track it down. […] We went to a big pangolin party. Our friend is a pangolin was turning 50. And we were like, well, we gotta go. You can’t not go.
Janie Tompkins 08:31
I mean, it’s such a milestone.
Paul Tompkins 08:33
And their lifespan is not that high. And there were more pangolins there that we thought,
Janie Tompkins 08:40
Well, here’s the thing about the apology for COVID for this particular strain, is we think we know the event where we were exposed. And it was like they FedEx everyone tests the day of in you, like show the proof of vax and it was outdoors. But it was the only place we engaged in face to face unmasked conversations with people the week before. Go to that one rush. We went to a restaurant but when we weren’t around people
Paul Tompkins 09:15
No, but I feel like that’s the place where it happened.
Janie Tompkins 09:18
I wonder though, because I felt like I was more like exchanging and sharing air at the event. More than at the […]
Paul Tompkins 09:28
It was like we were having like a droplet contest? Who has the most droplet. We were just like spewing puke plumes into the air.
Janie Tompkins 09:38
It felt so falsely safe it was almost like we were so cozy with people like in like we had dropped like ecstasy or something like talking.
Paul Tompkins 09:53
Here’s why I don’t think it’s that because we haven’t heard of anybody else from that event.
Janie Tompkins 09:58
See, I think it was the bouncer guy, because he was tall. He was talking down and we were stopped at the front line for like 20 minutes. And he wanted to like show us like photos of being at Coachella.
Paul Tompkins 10:14
While we ran out of conversation very quick. I don’t know why we could have just stood there in silence. I don’t know why we had to talk to each other. We really were insisting on keeping it going.
Janie Tompkins 10:25
I know, and it was like hot. And also like, here’s the thing, though, about the apology is like, because I didn’t test positive and everyone I know have COVID right now, and there’s a lot right this moment, did not show positive tests. Even on PCR, I took PCR very symptomatic, like a few days into this came back negative, not showing up positive until like three days symptomatic.
Kiki Monique 10:51
It’s hiding in our butthole.
Janie Tompkins 10:56
And then you light up a test like a Silkwood shower. And then it’s like, oh, I got it. And I’m in for like, however many days and people are testing positive so many days, asymptomatic after the virus plays out.
Paul Tompkins 11:12
I’ll tell you what you don’t want to do if you haven’t gotten it yet. Definitely don’t go on stage in front of a few 100 people and say, I’m never going to get COVID because that’s what I did.
Paul Tompkins 11:29
I almost didn’t say it to him because I hadn’t gotten it yet. And I was talking about that. And then I was like, I shouldn’t say this. But I thought this would be really funny if I say I’m never gonna get it.
Mohanad Elshieky 11:43
No, that is a guaranteed way to get it. Cuz I remember like, like when it was like during the lockdown every time someone tweeted about like, how you know, they’re not gonna get COVID especially the politicians. Two days after they have COVID and COVID really takes it as a challenge.
Paul Tompkins 12:01
Do you remember when that day that Trump got COVID? And it was so funny. What a fun day that was. I had so many text threads going about that. What a fun day.
Janie Tompkins 12:21
I remember that night because we were still locked down staying at home. And we were watching like a foreign TV show. So we weren’t looking at our phone. So we were reading subtitles. And then we like paused it for a minute to get a snack. And we looked at our phone and our text messages are like 25 texts.
Hoja Lopez 12:49
When I hear this thing it makes me think of like, in because like, there was a very small part of me that’s like, I hope it gets some really fucking hard and I hope. And then there’s a really bad part of me that’s like, maybe, you know, it’ll take him.
Paul Tompkins 13:09
I think we all wonder that and maybe we wondered it all day.
Hoja Lopez 13:14
And then I go back to these moments where I’m like, oh, people from Venezuela. Wish their president would die all the time. There’s people in these other countries that are just crossing their little fingers going. I hope the president dies. I’ve had the privilege to hope that two or three presidents died. And you’d say has she lived in many third world countries? Yeah, so I do feel very privileged. And I thought, You know what, finally Americans feel, you know, they’re like, maybe.
Janie Tompkins 13:47
Well, I mean, does Trump owe us an apology for telling us to inject bleach?
Mohanad Elshieky 13:52
Yeah, I think he owes us an apology for that. But just that nothing else. Everything was fine, I think.
Paul Tompkins 14:07
I think we got it at the restaurant after which this is I’m not going to name it. But it’s an old school restaurant in Los Angeles. Landmark, and it’s just like, the kind of place where you’re like, yeah, I could get COVID here.
Janie Tompkins 14:22
Like Spanish flu probably was passed on there.
Mohanad Elshieky 14:26
Oh, my God. I was at a place like that. This week. I was in the state of Montana, which I think is just, I don’t think every time I talked about the lockdown on stage or something, people were just like, What are you talking about?
Paul Tompkins 14:41
We were in South Carolina last summer. And, you know, things it was not over by any means, like we were vaccinated. But when we were going into public places, we were still wearing masks like we went to the supermarket. And like people looked at us it was like a one […] where the piano player stops and everyone was wild and glaring at us, like nobody else wearing a mask like, what do you care? You’re doing the thing you want to do? Why? Nobody’s, what do you care? The best was we walked we were walking out of the Harris Teeter. And this woman that was walking in, like clocked us wearing masks on the way out. And as she passed us she went, trickle cough. Oh, my God. Come on, lady.
Mohanad Elshieky 15:39
I felt the same way on planes now, since they like took the mandate off. And I’m gonna wear it just because like, even without COVID, I think you get on a plane.
Kiki Monique 15:51
Yeah, we should have always been wearing masks on plane.
Mohanad Elshieky 15:55
People will look at you weird. And I’m just like, I don’t know, man. I’m sorry. I like to be healthy.
Kiki Monique 16:02
And not to take it back to like poop. Like I in my head, I always like think I’m like, I’m wearing the mask. It stops everything. But then like, I go into a bathroom and somebody just like went number two. And I’m like, why can I smell it? Or like the fecal particles are smaller than the COVID card particles.
Janie Tompkins 16:29
Because like you’re still like, cutting down on the molecules. Like, it’s still, like, if you took the mask off, you could probably smell it stronger.
Kiki Monique 16:42
Fewer poop particles than my nose?
Paul Tompkins 16:46
Do you know what I never? A thing that I never thought about before is what is a smell made of?
Kiki Monique 16:52
It’s like, that’s why when like I learned this in science class when people like pick their nose and ate it. They’re eating the poop particles. I was like do that.
Paul Tompkins 17:06
I finally came up with a reason for you not to do that.
Janie Tompkins 17:10
I think that teachers that shamed the kids in the experiment, who did pick their nose and eat it owe them an apology.
Paul Tompkins 17:20
Janie Tompkins 17:28
They have been called out in front of […]. Like they probably already a little outcast.
Hoja Lopez 17:38
I’m gonna admit something. I was like a late stage booger eater. I was like, I guess you’re right. Maybe like, you know, still, I don’t necessarily like, eat it. But like sometimes I’ll like, put it in my mouth. Is that the grossest thing you guys have ever heard? There has to be other people in the world that are doing this. Hey, I just want to let you all agree eaters that occasionally do it out there. You’re not alone. Occasionally and this is I do it mindlessly. And then when I realized that..
Mohanad Elshieky 18:25
I think I think at some point, we said this podcast is a safe space and you took it too far.
Paul Tompkins 18:31
You made a safe space into a dangerous space for everybody else. This is honestly gonna make me sick. I’m not joking.
Janie Tompkins 18:47
It’s like genetic, like, you know how some people can roll or flip their tongue. And some people are more attracted to boogers. This is the most hardcore thing.
Paul Tompkins 19:07
If somebody’s baking an apple pie, and it’s in the oven, and you smell the apple pie. You’re telling me it’s apple pie particles?
Hoja Lopez 19:15
It’s steaming apples, and I imagined sugar.
Paul Tompkins 19:19
And it gets out of the oven somehow.
Mohanad Elshieky 19:28
I’m gonna be Googling this today, just like what is smell. And I know I’m gonna read so many Wikipedia pages on it, because I tend to do this shit.
Paul Tompkins 19:39
Let me save you some time. Just Google apple pie particles.
Mohanad Elshieky 19:44
I’m sure there’s a peer reviewed article just about that.
Kiki Monique 19:46
I don’t remember a lot of things from elementary school. But what I do remember is our science teacher saying when you fart, it’s because the air passes past your poop and it drags a little particles of the way.
Hoja Lopez 20:03
I apologize because this is not what you signed up for.
Mohanad Elshieky 20:11
This has never happened on this podcast before.
Paul Tompkins 20:20
This happens on every podcast I do. And I don’t know how to stop it.
Hoja Lopez 20:45
Okay, well, I want to listen to some listener, apologies because they’re so fun and ridiculous. So just to start off here. So our first apology comes from a listener who needs to apologize to her sister. And that is the context that I have. So I can’t wait to hear what’s going on.
Janie Tompkins 21:43
Do we think Courtney knows that. It was not an accident. I feel like the mother knew too. And they were like, I can’t deal with this.
Paul Tompkins 21:59
I was crafting thumbtacks. Tech project. Yeah, under the under the covers, and then I made the bed and forgot the tacks were in there.
Hoja Lopez 22:10
They were perfectly diametrically set on the bed.
Paul Tompkins 22:14
No other craft supplies. Just tax setup in the shape of a human body.
Janie Tompkins 22:25
I mean, I don’t know. Well, okay. I think it’s sweet. But what do you think about people in general, apologizing for things they did when they were seven? I mean, what do you think about that? In general?
Mohanad Elshieky 22:42
I mean, unless it was like eating your burgers, I don’t think you should apologize. I mean, here’s my thing. I feel like, if you if you’re like, seven, I don’t know, unless you like. It depends on what you did. I think you know, I mean,
Kiki Monique 23:02
So when I was I think I was around, maybe I was around six. But around that age, I remember, there was this girl that I did not like in my daycare. And so right before her parents came to pick her up and my parents came to pick me up. I bit myself really hard. And I said she did it. Oh my god. She totally got in trouble. And I definitely never told anyone. And I probably I don’t know if I owe her an apology. But I would be interested to see if that girl Stephanie, I think was her name was out there somewhere. And if that, if that traumatized her in any way, or if she didn’t even care, I don’t know.
Paul Tompkins 23:42
This may sound hard. This may sound hard, but I feel like if you can’t remember someone’s name, you don’t owe them an apology.
Janie Tompkins 23:51
[…] you don’t you know, like, you’re, you’re given a little bit of a pass because you don’t have all the skill set to deal with your feelings and stuff. But like also, I feel like her apology to her sister Courtney was therapeutic for her. Because Courtney probably it’s just like you were a kid. I mean, I’m assuming I don’t know what.
Paul Tompkins 24:09
Childhood stuff is so weird, because you can have a good relationship with a sibling. And then when you think about something years later, you’re like, that was actually kind of fucked up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was that was torture.
Mohanad Elshieky 24:22
I mean, I am I am the oldest and I have four younger siblings. And some of them have I think about now like this classify as a war crime. Yeah, like, a lot of but I don’t know. Like, I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about like, you know, like, do you apologize your siblings about stuff that they I don’t know if they remember or not?
Hoja Lopez 24:42
Yeah, you definitely I think get a child pass. But if it’s still haunting you, the new you can get it out if you need to. I mean, do you guys down with your siblings, like do you feel like, like in talking back with them? Do you talk about the fucked up stuff and just kind of laugh it off? How does it work for y’all?
Paul Tompkins 25:01
We kind of with me and my siblings, we kind of don’t. But it’s not. It’s not an issue anymore. You know what I mean? Like it doesn’t, I don’t feel like it. It hangs over us. Yeah, in that way, you know, but it is like something. Honestly, my frustration was more with my parents. Because my mom was a classic, I don’t care who started it. And to me, it was like, it’s very important that you know, it’s crucial to understanding what’s going on.
Hoja Lopez 25:28
That could define a personality type. You know what I mean? They who do not care who started it, and the other person who needs you to know who started it.
Janie Tompkins 25:39
Like there needs to be a middle ground. There is no justice.
Paul Tompkins 25:48
Hard lesson learned.
Janie Tompkins 25:49
It is we live in an unjust world.
Mohanad Elshieky 25:53
That yeah, that’s I’m sure that is the lesson My mom wanted to teach me not that she did not care to.
Paul Tompkins 26:02
I just want the noise to stop. That’s where I’m coming from. Hey, kids see it from my point of view? I don’t like this. I’m trying to do something and not think about you for five fucking minutes.
Hoja Lopez 26:17
I have this clear, vivid memory of going on a morning to like my mom’s bedroom and trying to tell her about a dream. And she says, Honey, nobody cares about your dreams. I remember that video. And she was joking. But she said it specifically about this little thing. And she’s messing me with but she’d wanted her alone time at that was way in that moment being like, nobody cares. She didn’t care about my dreams in general. My aspirations even though that phrase is fucking heart wrenching. I was like, but in that moment, she’s like, dreams are just in your head. And they don’t really matter. Right? I don’t want to know about it right now. Shut the fuck up. They just have so much control and so much power. So any little thing that they do and say carried in your heart forever.
Mohanad Elshieky 27:14
So what we’re saying is parents who need to apologize, not siblings. You reminded me with in your head. That’s my mom would like mental health issues. You’re like, I’m feeling depressed. I’m feeling this and that she’s like it’s just in your head.
Paul Tompkins 27:34
I don’t want it there.
Janie Tompkins 27:36
I live with my head.
Paul Tompkins 27:44
It’s so hard to get an apology out of a parent for childhood stuff. I remember like my mother would say, my mother used to like every once in a while. She’d say like, I never did that with interview kids. And I would say yes, you did. Here’s the exact time you did it. And then she would say, well, I guess I must have been a terrible mother.
Hoja Lopez 28:01
Oh, my gosh, God, I hate it when they do that.
Mohanad Elshieky 28:06
It’s amazing how moms from like, you know, across cultures, there’s just a something that they would say, because my mom was saying the same thing. I’m just like, oh, I guess I’m a bad mom. You shouldn’t have had another mom. And I’m like, Oh, my
Janie Tompkins 28:20
God. It’s like, hop off the cross. We need the woods.
Hoja Lopez 28:27
Yeah, it is. There’s that moment when you see your parents as grown-ups. And there’s this like, there’s a wilderness there with your parent. You’re like, I don’t know if I want to get into it. And they also don’t really want to get into it all the time.
Janie Tompkins 28:39
Yeah, I feel like it’s never worth it to get into it.
Paul Tompkins 28:43
No, it’s not satisfying. It’s not satisfying.
Janie Tompkins 28:45
Like, I just get into it with myself. And then I’m like, okay, that’s what that was. And then I’m like, cool.
Hoja Lopez 28:52
Yeah, I just spent seven days in a row with my dad who I haven’t gone fishing with for a decade. And I never lived with him. So I’d never lived with my dad. He had his own family and I lived with my mom. And it’s so funny. I had so many expectations that once it was over, I was like, You’re a dumb bit. Of course, none of that happened. You don’t think about how crazy it is to actually like connect with a parent. At this age, and, you know, you just speak very, very different languages, that shorthand that you usually have with your family between siblings that you grew up with is not the shorthand that I am gonna get to have with my dad. The realization of it was really fun and interesting, I think because getting to connect with him on some, like his level, essentially, which, like, you know, like, why did we not hang out when I was young? Like, because he can’t talk about that stuff. He doesn’t know how to do. He doesn’t have those tools. But we can talk about, you know, I don’t know like why the women in the thong are walking around. This is a real conversation at a beach, and he loves that conversation. And I was like, look at that one there thong is pink and he loved that conversation.
Janie Tompkins 30:15
Find your like, find where you intersect with people. You know, it is like I do think it is like a painful acceptance phase though. Yeah, to be like, Oh, I have these expectations or had this idea of what this relationship should be what the what it could you know? And it’s like, oh, wait, this is just the reality of it. And it’s okay somehow, but it’s like, it is so painful sometimes.
Hoja Lopez 30:43
I had my little sister and my mom’s best friend too. And they helped me like, just kind of talk about it a little bit. And after like, 20 minutes, I was like, of course, like, of course, that didn’t work exactly how I wanted it to work. It makes no sense that I wanted to work that way. I literally you guys thought we were going to end up talking until 2am. Just hanging out.
Janie Tompkins 31:06
Right? Like you’re gonna like an indie movie, like, like your Sundance, like indie movie that’s like, based on your life.
Hoja Lopez 31:15
Meanwhile, it’s up for two hours explaining the concept of a podcast and how it’s not […]
Mohanad Elshieky 31:26
I don’t even bother explaining to my parents what a podcast is. What am I doing with my career or anything? Still to this day asked me if I’m using my college degree to do all of this. And I’m like, yes, I am. A college degree I got in supply chain management is what I’m using to do comedy.
Hoja Lopez 31:50
Now that you say that, what’s going on with the baby formula? Do you know?
Paul Tompkins 31:56
This is your time to shine.
Hoja Lopez 31:59
Like we’re all wondering, what’s with the baby formula?
Mohanad Elshieky 32:05
Supply and demand. The demand is higher than the supply.
Janie Tompkins 32:12
Is it because too many people got knocked up during lockdown?
Mohanad Elshieky 32:19
Yeah, it has nothing with the government and corporation fucking up.
Janie Tompkins 32:27
Popping them out. Yeah, I just say, we don’t have kids. But I don’t even know what baby formula is.
Paul Tompkins 32:40
It’s how babies are made stupid.
Janie Tompkins 32:46
Is there a specific thing in the formula that is missing? Or is it like a thing where you’re like..
Mohanad Elshieky 32:58
The whole thing is missing. You know? Like, I mean, at this point, you only have water and that’s it. And the other part is missing.
Janie Tompkins 33:04
And we don’t even have that in California.
Mohanad Elshieky 33:08
I say just continue not having babies at this point.
Kiki Monique 33:13
Kiki Monique 33:21
You know what the worst part is? Is that like the happiest part of lockdown was I heard like how all of the like animal shelters were emptied out like everyone with an adopted dog. But like, I would not say the same happened for adoption agencies looking said people just decided to just make more people instead of like, take care of the ones that were here struggling but okay, interesting.
Hoja Lopez 33:44
That’s the billionaire mindset. You know what I mean? Instead of fixing the one you got and I like it, if I could be a billionaire sign me up.
Janie Tompkins 33:56
You’ve got like the attitude.
Hoja Lopez 33:59
I think I mean, like, I think I would be sort of like a Jeff Bezos, his wife kind of situation.
Janie Tompkins 34:05
She’s really the model, she’s the model billionaire.
Hoja Lopez 34:08
She’s the good billionaire right we’re right which is the new show..
Janie Tompkins 34:11
We don’t have anyone else but her.
Hoja Lopez 34:17
We get Oprah but she wasn’t nice to Monique so I got a bone to pick.
Janie Tompkins 34:23
She hasn’t apologized for Dr. Oz. Do you think she should?
Mohanad Elshieky 34:27
Kiki Monique 34:29
Yeah, there’s a couple apologies Oprah probably owes.
Paul Tompkins 34:34
All those people that she give the cars to then they had to pay the taxes.
Mohanad Elshieky 34:38
That was insane.
Janie Tompkins 34:41
I mean, she could have paid all the taxes because at that point, like just pay the tax.
Kiki Monique 34:46
But then it doesn’t become like another gift like that you didn’t have to pay tax on?
Mohanad Elshieky 34:52
I think we have enough time to do move on to my favorite segment which is sorry, not sorry, where we basically either apologize to someone or something or demand that apology. And we do this every week. So I’m gonna start with Hoja, because oh, I always have someone to apologize. She’s always fucking up.
Hoja Lopez 35:36
I’m always fucking up, left and right, causing a ruckus. Well, I think I would like to apologize to my brother’s girlfriend who came to visit us here in Mexico, which is where I’m at right now. I’m at my mom’s house. And my little brother, who is 22, just graduated from college, and he brought his girlfriend on their first ever, like, trip together. She’s never left the US before. And she’s lived by her own words, like a very insular life. She’s never traveled without her parents, like these are young. You know, people from Texas and her parents are very conservative. And so I essentially, like tested her will to live over the course of a week, by just not really planning that well, for a very pale person to be outside. For a limitless amounts of hours. I mean, like I had sunblock, but girl, she needs a different level of protection that I could not offer her. And I also, you know, did I put her on buses with chickens, maybe? Did, we ended up in some like, weird tour on the back of an island where she only could eat watermelon all day, because they had nothing else that she liked. Sure. So I just want to apologize to her for you know, maybe not taking her to an all-inclusive resort letting her have the greatest time of her life, and instead sort of subjected to her to just not very comfortable experiences for her, which, you know, I will say will probably you know, broaden her horizons of way because it’s the first time she’s out of the country.
Janie Tompkins 37:23
That’s what I think, I think it’s like character building except this son thing can be physically dangerous. But you know, she should know if she’s a […] person to try to.
Hoja Lopez 37:36
Same sun. Well, it’s closer. So it’s closer
Janie Tompkins 37:42
One time I went to Key West and I got one of the worst. Like, I missed a spot with the sunscreen. Oh, man. That was because it’s closer, you know, way down there.
Paul Tompkins 37:53
Never heard about this trip.
Hoja Lopez 37:57
That’s the apology.
Paul Tompkins 37:58
But you know what I think about those kind of experiences because they are in the moment. It’s like, I’m uncomfortable. I’m kind of scared, maybe I don’t know what’s going on. That fades so quickly after it’s over so quickly. And then it becomes like a fond memory. Like, I can’t believe like times in my life that I remember. I remember for sure while it was happening. I was miserable. But I can’t conjure that feeling anymore. You know, and now it’s just like, I’m so glad I did that. Because it was worth it for X, Y and Z.
Janie Tompkins 38:33
Like a colonoscopy or something like you forgot something sweet.
Mohanad Elshieky 38:45
Well, Kiki, do you have anyone to apologize to like that? Did you bring anyone to Vegas? Who was not supposed to be there?
Kiki Monique 38:52
No, not yet. You know, look, my apology. I you know what I want? I want an apology. I came all the way here excited. It’s been two plus years since I’ve been able to have that buffet at the Caesar the Caesars buffet is the best buffet in Vegas. I had made reservations on open table; I was so excited. I woke up at like 5AM to like pack and get out here in time so I could check into the hotel and get to Caesars and as before I’m leaving I get a phone call from them. They canceled the reservation because I don’t know, they said the water broke. I don’t know what excuse that is.
Janie Tompkins 39:37
Wait, they cancelled it because something happened with the Caesars. But is there a second best buffet that you could try?
Kiki Monique 39:43
No I don’t I don’t want any others. Everyone gave me suggestions. But I know what I want. I’ve been, I just, I want that one. And so I just I haven’t felt the same since I’ve been here and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Paul Tompkins 39:55
These guys invented the aqua duck. What is the problem?
Hoja Lopez 40:00
So you’re like a woman who goes to see a […] for a residency and then the show doesn’t happen. That’s painful.
Mohanad Elshieky 40:09
Yeah, that lucky can come, Adele’s water broke. And I didn’t even know she was expected but it is what it is. Well, Janie does anyone know you an apology? You don’t want to apologize to anyone.
Janie Tompkins 40:27
I need to apologize to Paul’s cousin who was visiting.
Paul Tompkins 40:28
It was so close if it was gonna be.
Mohanad Elshieky 40:36
The closest you’ve ever gotten.
Paul Tompkins 40:39
She’s never apologized to me
Janie Tompkins 40:41
I have a no apology policy in my marriage. Never let them never let them see you weak. I definitely gave Paul’s cousin COVID.
Paul Tompkins 41:02
There’s no way around it.
Janie Tompkins 41:03
Like there’s just like no ifs, ands or buts like we had dinner. They were in town. And then the next day is when I became like, hugely symptomatic. No one’s testing that negative though. But then I knew a day later, like two days later when I started testing positive and then she fell ill a few days. Celeste, I’m so sorry.
Kiki Monique 41:29
Were you using those free government COVID tests?
Janie Tompkins 41:32
We have used those. We weren’t using those though.
Paul Tompkins 41:35
We use a variety.
Janie Tompkins 41:40
I do go to the Toluca Lake health center and get […]. I thought I had strep because I literally had no other symptom. for like two full days then like sore throat. Like I had no other symptom. Yeah. And was testing negative and negative and negative and negative and negative. And then I was like, You better PCR me because maybe this is COVID, PCRs had negative, but it was yeah, I’m telling you, this does not come out of hiding. That’s my point about this Omicron. It owes us an apology.
Kiki Monique 42:20
That’s right. That’s why I’m convinced I had Omicron because I was definitely sick for like three days. And I tested and it was negative. But I was like I haven’t. There’s no way. Nobody gets a cold right now. I’ve been wearing masks like it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know.
Paul Tompkins 42:36
I was so, because Janie had it before I did. And she had so much worse. And I was feeling like, everything was so mild. And at first I was like, maybe I didn’t get it. And maybe, maybe I really am a special person. And I didn’t get it. And then when I started to really feel it, I was like, okay, I have it. But maybe I’ll never test positive and I will hold on to that. Yeah, it’ll be like a real Bill Clinton like weaselly kind of like I never tested positive.
Janie Tompkins 43:13
I guess my apology to Celeste is less like, I like that. I felt like I did something wrong. But more just like, I’m sorry, that happened from what seemed like this was supposed to be like a nice thing that fit like extended family could connect, you know, in like a visit.
Paul Tompkins 43:32
It was the end of their trip to; they almost went to Disney.
Janie Tompkins 43:35
Well, I mean, they did go to Disney. Maybe they got a discount.
Mohanad Elshieky 43:41
Atleast they left with something; you know? Well, Paul, who is your apology for? Are you demanding an apology from someone?
Paul Tompkins 43:51
I am not demanding an apology. But I do have an apology to give. And that is to the people of Seattle because Oh God is the One Stop on the Comedy Bang Bang tour in August that I will be missing. That’s right. Comedy Bang Bang is probably coming to your town in August. But I will not be in Seattle and for Seattle. Linz. I apologize. I won’t be there because I have a personal engagement that cannot be missed.
Kiki Monique 44:18
And that’s a good apology. Yeah, apology pre apology. Yeah,
Paul Tompkins 44:22
I really do. I honestly am bummed that I can’t do the whole thing because I am like, that sort of thing. I love like as exhausting as this is going to be. I love that aspect of it too. In a weird way and to miss one tiny part of it. Kind of it nags at me and I so I do I have to apologize to myself, too.
Mohanad Elshieky 44:44
Are you gonna be performing in Portland at all?
Paul Tompkins 44:48
We will be in both Portland’s on this tour. We’re gonna be in Portland, Oregon, and Portland, Maine.
Mohanad Elshieky 44:54
If you live in Seattle then and you’re actually a true fan and you get to drive to Portland, Oregon.
Janie Tompkins 45:02
That’s a good life hack.
Paul Tompkins 45:04
half hour plus two to, fun drive.
Mohanad Elshieky 45:04
Two and a half hour drive. Two and a half, two and a half, two and a half hour, by plane.
Hoja Lopez 45:17
If you’re a true fan, they’ll do anything really doesn’t matter.
Paul Tompkins 45:20
If they’re a true fan, they’ll wear my skin.
Kiki Monique 45:25
What other cities are on this tour?
Paul Tompkins 45:27
Oh, my God. It’s uh, you know, is crazy. Chicago, New York. Of course. Boston. Three Cities in Texas, going to San Antonio, Houston and Austin.
Hoja Lopez 45:43
Paul Tompkins 45:44
We’re gonna be in Cleveland. Like we’re hitting a lot of places that we haven’t ever hit before. But people are still complaining, which I understand. Because it does seem like hey, how come you didn’t come here? It’s like, I can’t tell you.
Mohanad Elshieky 45:58
Yeah, people will be like, why are you not coming to battleground Vancouver? And I just like, what is that? Which is a real place, by the way, but I’m just like, I’ve no doubt. And I’m like, I am sorry. We did not include that in the tour.
Hoja Lopez 46:17
Oh, my God.
Mohanad Elshieky 46:18
Oh, my God, this podcast keeps silencing immigrants. So I said I was in Montana. But it reminded me of something when I was there, like eight years ago. And I wanted to ask for an apology from the people that stayed with when I when I was there. It was in December. It was extremely it was snowing everywhere. And at some point, they asked me if I wanted to do outdoor activities, which is was like, indoor seems nice. You know, like, you literally could not see the outdoor and I was just like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. And they’re like, No, it’s gonna be super fun and not have never been around that much snow and they took me cross country skiing. Are you familiar with that?
Paul Tompkins 47:16
That just seems like travel to me.
Mohanad Elshieky 47:19
I have no idea why they did that. Never in my life. Have I thought I wish walking was hard. It was so bad. And I like literally halfway through. I was like, this is just a hate crime at this point. Just, you know, just push yourself and, and also like for it like, you know, it’s Montana is so high up there, too. So, I could not breathe. I was like, literally like guys, I just could not move anymore. Like it became like such a like a movie thing. Like, just leave me here.
Paul Tompkins 47:59
I don’t care about holding you back. I’m just tired.
Mohanad Elshieky 48:03
And I think that’s why I haven’t been there in eight years. I’d be like literally just recovering from that. It was so bad.
Janie Tompkins 48:10
Do you think they were trying to like, hurt you?
Mohanad Elshieky 48:13
They literally said we just want to take you to do something easy and fun. And I was like, that’s the easy thing? That’s the easiest thing you can think of? We were indoors, that was so easy. So if they want to apologize, I mean, I’m more than happy.
Janie Tompkins 48:29
They know how to reach you.
Mohanad Elshieky 48:31
Do you know how to reach me which is through my Venmo. That’s the only way I’ll accept it. Exactly.
Paul Tompkins 48:42
Well, then next time you go, hope they have a sled.
Mohanad Elshieky 48:46
I hope so. I’m never going to their on winter again. That’s what I decided. If there’s snow, I’m just gonna like no, I’m good.
Paul Tompkins 48:59
The answer is no.
Mohanad Elshieky 49:06
We’ll, that’s how we’re gonna end. Look at that on Montana. Well, thank you so much, guys for joining us.
Kiki Monique 49:16
I’M SORRY is a Lemonada Media Original. The show is produced by Alex McOwen, supervising producer is Kryssy Pease. Our executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Our mix is by Kat Yore and theme music was composed by Xander Singh. If you like this show, please rate and review. And please don’t cancel us. You can find out more about our show at @LemonadaMedia on all social platforms, or follow us on Instagram at @imsorry_podcast. We’ll be back next week and until then be nice, play fair and always say I’m sorry. Thanks for listening!