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Description

Maureen Iselin has always wanted to be a mom. But as she neared 40 and her most recent relationship came to an end, she realized the traditional nuclear family model wasn’t her only option. Through the help of IUI treatments and a therapist who happened to take the same journey to motherhood, Maureen hopes that being a single mother by choice will not only be a step closer to her life’s purpose, but open her up to a new realm of what motherhood could look like in the 21st century. This episode’s practice is about following your instincts to build your life – even when the circumstances are not what you expected.

Resources from the show

• Are you a single woman thinking about starting your own family? Check out Single Mothers by Choice to explore your options.
• Read “Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide” by Mikki Morrisette, “Panic and Joy: My Solo Path to Motherhood” by Emma Brockes, and “Going Solo: My choice to become a single mother using a donor” by Genevieve Roberts.
• Want to dive deeper? Listen to these podcasts: Single Greatest Choice, The Stork and I, and Mocha SMC.

Do you have a question about grief or other ways you can take care of your mental health? Send Claire a question to be featured on an upcoming episode www.bit.ly/newdayask

Want to connect? Join the New Day Facebook Group!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/newdaypod

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Claire, Maureen Iselin

Claire  00:09

Hi, I’m Claire Bidwell Smith. Welcome to NEW DAY. I don’t think life ever turns out exactly the way we think it will, I know that there are so many parts of my life that I never saw coming. For one thing, I didn’t think I even wanted to have children, let alone three with two different fathers. But I wouldn’t change any of it. My new husband and I have six kids, between the two of us, we have x’s and x in laws and our kids are a jumble of step and half siblings. I’ve come to understand that there are all kinds of families, all kinds of ways to be parents, and all kinds of ways to raise children. I’ve been married with kids and single with kids and none of its easy or perfect. But there are a million ways to make it work, even if it doesn’t always look the way it’s supposed to. At this point, I’ve really thrown out all notion of what things are supposed to look like. That’s why I was really excited to talk to our guest today, Maureen Iselin. Maureen is 37 years old and currently undergoing IUI treatment to get pregnant. What’s unique about Maureen though, is that she’s pursuing motherhood without a partner. This is a choice I’ve been hearing more and more women talk about. I personally think it’s an exciting way that women and birthing people can continue to expand our ability to be in control of our bodies. I have a feeling that in 10 years, this won’t even be a thing. Single parents by choice will be commonplace. But for now, it’s still pretty new. And I’m really excited to talk to someone who’s pioneering this realm. Maureen and I are going to get more in depth about the difference between IUI and IVF during our interview, but this is an opportunity to hear from someone who’s taking a different approach to motherhood and creating meaning in their life. I hope you enjoy our conversation.

Claire 

Hi, Maureen, nice to see you.

Maureen Iselin

Hi, Claire. Good to see you, too.

Claire 

Yeah. So I start every episode by asking my guests how you’re doing. But how are you really doing?

Maureen Iselin  02:05

I’m a little stressed this week. And we’ll get into it a little bit. But I am in my third two week wait period after my third IUI and which is always it’s tough because you’re out of control. You don’t have control over what’s happening. So a little bit stressed this week.

Claire

I feel like that is life’s great work that we have to do as humans. It’s just learn how to sit with uncertainty. It’s like if we can just master that. I think we could do anything. Yep. Yeah. So well, I’m definitely excited to get into that topic with you. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself and who you are just so we have some context, before we dive into all that good stuff.

Maureen Iselin  02:48

Sure. I am a 37-year-old, single woman living in Nashville, Tennessee, I’m one of four kids grew up with a really close family. I work in communications in the suicide prevention space. And, you know, over the past couple years have kind of been moving towards okay, what do I want my life to look like? And, you know, if I was on my deathbed, what is that one thing that I would look back and be like, Oh, I wish I would have done that. And most recently that’s become motherhood for me. So that’s what I’m exploring now.

Claire 

I love that. I had a guest named a Alua Arthur on the podcast early on, and she has what she calls the deathbed test, you know, it’s just that, if you knew you only had a certain amount of time left to live, what is most important to you. And so it really helps us pare down what we want to be doing and who we want to be. So talk to me about motherhood and tell us why this is going to be an interesting topic for us today.

Maureen Iselin

Yeah. So, I mean, obviously, like all little girls growing up, I thought I was you know, it was gonna be a, you know, you go to college or whatnot, you meet Mr. Right, you get married, you have a family, you know, white picket fence, all of that kind of thing. My parents have been married for 40 years. And so that was kind of the model that I saw growing up. And so I just always assumed that that was going to be part of my life. I always had this nurturing side of me that knew being a mom was going to be an important part of who I was and how I defined myself. And the closer I’ve gotten to 40, the more I’ve kind of been exploring, okay, I’m not getting any closer to finding that right person. And maybe motherhood is something that I explore on my own. And I’ve been really lucky to have some people in my life, including my own therapist, who’s a single mom by choice, who have kind of modeled and kind of shared with me their journey, and kind of made that an option that I didn’t necessarily realize was even out there.

Claire  04:49

I think that is so awesome. I have a lot of interesting thoughts about it just as a woman, as a mom as a divorced woman, as a woman who counsels people lose spouses and go on to raise children on their own. Raising a child on your own, it’s fine on so many levels. And I think that there’s this kind of idea in our culture that there has to be two parents. And I think that it’s time to really explore so many different ideas around that. What has that journey been like to leading up to? I don’t know, coming around to that decision? What led to it?

Maureen Iselin 

Yeah. So, about a year ago, exactly. I went through a breakup. And, you know, the single mom by choice had always been kind of in the back of my mind as an option. But I was kind of always like, oh, well, I’m not 40 yet, I can keep putting it off, keep putting it off. And having a breakup during the pandemic, and the thought of going back out into the dating world, and trying to kind of navigate that and realizing, you know, I’m starting from scratch again, you know, meeting somebody, marriage, child, that’s probably three or four, maybe even five years down the road. And so I kind of got a little more serious about exploring what this could look like. And so I actually joined. There’s a group called single mothers by choice, which is a nonprofit, and it’s membership based and they talk about there’s kind of three phases. So there’s the thinking, the trying and then the mothering. And so I kind of joined as in in that thinking phase and kind of was like, Well, let me at least see what this could look like. I always thought that adoption might be an option for me. But obviously, there’s a huge cost, you know, people always say, oh, adoption, just adopt, not that simple. Especially as a single woman, and so I figured, okay, let me at least get with a fertility clinic and kind of see where I’m at, if I can even have my own kids. And maybe that’ll help kind of clear things up for me a little bit. So it was probably last May that I started the journey of kind of figuring out what my different hormone levels were, and all the things that they don’t teach you about in health class, that you don’t really recognize what’s going on in your body. So it’s been interesting. I’ve definitely, to your point earlier, I’ve had to kind of navigate some of those cultural, societal kind of things that have been ingrained in us. You know, I’ve always been told or heard that kids who come from a single parent household are less likely to graduate high school are more likely to end up in jail, all these like horrible statistic.

Claire  07:28

That’s horrible. I know.

Maureen Iselin 

That really aren’t necessarily true and are specially not true for single moms by choice. Because, you know, we’re making this decision kind of very with our eyes wide open. I feel like I’m way more prepared. And I’ve done way more research about becoming a parent than 95% of people who do and so kind of doing some of that, that work in that legwork reading books, that kind of thing kind of put me at ease with some of those concerns around am I making the right decision? Am I being selfish in this decision? And at the end of the day, I kind of came to this as this is what I want. And this is, this is the path that the universe is kind of pointing me in.

Claire 

I have a lot of questions. What have you learned about this population of single moms by choice? Like, what have you learned going into this far into it?

Maureen Iselin  08:18

Yeah, it’s been really interesting. So I’m also part of similans, by choice group on Facebook, and I’ve been more of a lurker than a participant in it just kind of watching the conversations unfolds. But the one thing that I’ve kind of noticed amongst all of them is, they all are very responsible, hardworking, driven, strong women, who are being very thoughtful in their decision, and are not just kind of jumping into something because it’s what they feel like they should do. Everyone is doing their research and making sure that they’re, you know, financially and mentally and spiritually prepared to kind of take this on. And I feel really honored to be part of that. That group of women that is kind of, you know, not waiting around for the man to make things happen, but really kind of taking our own futures into our own hands and making motherhood, something that is possible for us.

Claire 

Yeah, absolutely. You said the word selfish earlier. And I’m just curious, what are the ideas floating around in that sphere about it being selfish?

Maureen Iselin

Yeah, I definitely struggled with that, especially when I kind of moved from the adoption to kind of try it on my own. have definitely, you know, I know that there’s lots of kids out there who need loving homes and so is it selfish of me to be bringing another child into this world when there’s so many that are struggling and need love. But then I started thinking and I was like, You know what, nobody else if they’re in a partnered situation, or asking that question, or being forced to ask that question. So it’s unfair for me as a single woman to be forced to answer that question or be seen in a selfish way. So I kind of had to work through that a little bit before I got to the point where I was sure that this was what I wanted. I also had to get through grieving what I thought motherhood was going to look like for me. So grieving that, you know, at least as I begin and embark on the journey, I’m going to be doing it alone. And that’s not necessarily what I always thought it would look like. And so I really needed to grieve that before I could really move forward with the process.

Claire  10:31

What a grieving look like, how was that process?

Maureen Iselin 

It was tough, it still kind of comes and goes a little bit, you know, because I think, you know, as humans, we all want connection, and we want to be in relationship and it, you know, it was always part of the plan. So kind of walking through some of those expectations that are not being met, that I’ve imposed on myself. It’s been, you know, nights in bed crying, and just kind of, again, letting the grief hit me. You know, it’s not a type of grief that we talk about a lot. But it’s something that I think a lot of people experience. And it’s, you know, it’s just like any other grief, you just kind of have to go through the process and let the feelings come and work through them as best you can, whether that’s, you know, through therapy, or writing or anything like that, and just kind of come to the point where you’re comfortable and accepting where you’re at.

Claire 

It’s just also interesting to me, you know, I am divorced and remarried, I have a blended family, my now husband has three kids from his previous marriage, his ex-wife is remarried, I have an ex-husband, you know, there’s so many ways to be a parent these days, and there’s so many ways to parent children and to connect with each other. And there’s a lot to grieve, and then there’s a lot you can’t prepare for it. Right? And so it’s, again, it’s kind of where we started, the beginning of this conversation is just sitting with that uncertainty. But I think what you’re also talking about is really checking in with that, knowing within you that that this is what you want, and that this is what you’re capable of, and what you can do what you can bring to the world, which I think is an important counterbalance to all of that, like wild uncertainty and the cultural messages that I’m sure are swirling around you. What was your family’s reaction when you told them?

Maureen Iselin  12:22

So I’ve been really lucky, family, friends, even colleagues have been super supportive. You know, they I think, especially my family has known that being a mom has been an important part of kind of where I hope to be in life. And so, you know, they’ve all kind of jumped in and said we’re here to support you in any way we can. You know, my mom was offering to jump on an airplane to come down for fertility visits and stuff like that. And so I feel like I’m really lucky, I know that not everyone has that necessarily. You know, even this is one of my favorite parts of my journey so far is my grandfather, who unfortunately has since passed. He was 93 years old. And he always referred to it as my new endeavor. And he would ask every time he talked to me or to my mom, how’s Maureen’s new endeavor going? And always remind me that he wasn’t getting any younger, and he wanted to meet another great grandchild. And so it’s just it. I feel really lucky and blessed to be surrounded by people that are supportive of me going after what it is that I want and feel is right for me.

Claire 

Yeah, absolutely. Have you come across any criticism or anyone who’s made you feel uncomfortable?

Maureen Iselin 

I haven’t, at least not. Nobody’s said anything to my face yet. But I know that once it I think once I’m pregnant, or once I have the child, I’m sure I’ll run into that a little bit more, I think, because it’s still kind of in process situation. It’s a little bit different. But again, like I said, I know plenty of people within the Facebook groups and stuff that I’m part of that run into issues with family or friends or whatnot. And so I consider myself lucky and want to just recognize and honor that not everyone’s journey is as smooth sailing as mine has been so far.

Claire 

How did you end up finding a therapist who was also a single mom by choice?

Maureen Iselin 

That was that’s just the universe talking. So this is a therapist that I found about seven years ago when I was going through a job transition. I was dealing with some panic attacks and stuff and just got connected with her. And about five years ago, she became a single mom by choice and it’s definitely been something that we’ve talked about and has been part of kind of some of our therapy sessions of what does that look like? And I’ve feel like I’ve been blessed to have her as somebody to go to and ask some of those hard questions around. How do you talk to your kid about it once they are getting to an old enough age and those types of things. But again, I just think it’s something that the universe was pointing me in this direction, for some reason.

Claire 

I love that. Where are you in the physical process? And can you tell us a little bit about it? You mentioned IUI. But that’s different from IVF. And I’m not sure of what the differences are.

Maureen Iselin 

Yeah. So a lot of people know about IVF and have maybe heard of IUI, but don’t necessarily know what that means. So for me IUI is I have a donor sperm. And I go into the doctor’s office for an outpatient procedure where the old turkey baster approach where they use a catheter, they put the but the sperm up into you kind of fingers crossed,  you wait the two weeks and see if it took, and there’s different types. So for my first IUI, it was unmedicated. Because I didn’t have any history of fertility issues. And all of my counts were normal for my age. So we did an unmedicated. And the last, last two have been medicated. So again, just medication to kind of trigger ovulation and all those types of things to make sure that your body is prepped and ready so that when the IUI procedure actually takes place, there’s a greater chance that it’s going to be successful.

Claire  16:29

What have those periods of time been like? You know, you’re in your third one or your fourth? So how was it the very first time when you found out you weren’t pregnant? Or what happened?

Maureen Iselin 

Yeah, so the first time, the two-week wait was excruciating. Every single change in my body or anything that was happening, I was Googling, like, is this a sign of pregnancy? Like, you know, it was it was, it was very, very hard. But one thing even though the first obviously was unsuccessful, I think one thing that it did for me is it gave me real clarity, because I was so devastated when that test came back negative, I curled up in bed, I took the day off of work. And it just really reiterated to me like this is actually, this is definitely what I want. This is the path that I need to be on. And it was helpful in the sense of it gave me even more clarity around what I was doing.

Claire

And so how was the last one after that?

Maureen Iselin 

The second one was much easier. The two-week wait was much easier, because I’d been through it, I kind of knew, Okay, you know, the second you leave the doctor’s office, you’re not going to be pregnant, you know, it takes several days for implantation to happen. And all these things that again, you don’t necessarily learn in health class. And so it was a little bit easier. I think also, with the first one, I convinced myself in my head that I was pregnant. Like, I was just like, yep, this is it, it worked. And so after kind of having that negative test the first time around, I think the second time around, I went in more with lower expectations of this is likely not going to take and that’s okay. And so when it did come back negative, I was definitely again, disappointed. Once again, I took the day off of work to kind of process that. But I was I was better prepared for it. And so after that one, I did meet with my doctor again, just to kind of reassess where things were at and to see if that we needed to change anything.

Claire  18:21

How did you go about choosing the sperm donor?

Maureen Iselin

That’s a great question. That’s always the like, first question that people ask is like, so how do you choose dudes like, so it’s very similar to online dating website with their profiles, you know, I did a lot of research around the type of sperm bank that I wanted to go with. So there’s different types of donors. So there’s closed donors where, you know, you and your child will never get the information around who that person is. But then there’s also open ID, which means once the child turns 18, they can contact the sperm bank and the sperm bank will kind of connect them with the donor. And if the donor is willing to be open to meeting that, you know, that’s an option. And for me, it was really important to put that in the hands of the child as opposed to me and so I wanted to have an open ID. And so I did a lot of research around which sperm banks kind of had really good open ID regulations and stuff like that. And so that was kind of the first step is, okay, what do I want this to look like? And then I think a lot of people go into it, because it does look a lot like an online dating profile of like, oh, who would I be most compatible with? But at the end of the day, I’m not spending my life with this person.

Maureen Iselin 

I’m using their sperm to create a child that I’m going to be raising. And so I was much more concerned from the medical side of things. So when you go through IUI or IVF, you’ll get genetic testing done. And so I tested positive for one genetic variant, meaning that I need to look for a donor that was negative in that. And so that kind of helps to narrow things down. There’s also something called CMV, which a lot of people don’t know about, but it’s, I guess, a virus that most people have had at some point. And when you’re an adult, there’s really no symptoms or anything. But if you get it when you’re in utero, or as a newborn, it can be possibly deadly. And so they test you for that, I was one of the unique ones that was CMV negative, okay, so I needed to find a sperm donor who was also CMV negative. So once I kind of put those parameters and it narrowed it down to like 15 donors, and then I went and looked at their kind of family medical history and those types of things. So people do it differently. Some people base it off of height and eye color, and all those types of things. But that was just the way that I kind of was able to process and narrow down. Because it’s definitely overwhelming.

Claire  20:56

So interesting. I have three kids, but two of them are from one, my first husband and then my third child is from my second husband. So it’s interesting to see the similarities and differences that pop up, my nine-year-old daughter looks a lot like my three-year-old said everyone thinks that they’re direct siblings, but they have different dads. So I’m like, wow, they have a lot of me, I guess.

Maureen Iselin 

Genetics are an interesting thing.

Claire 

Totally. Okay, so what happens next? Once you become pregnant, like what are you? What are your thoughts and feelings about it? What did you have any kind of plan for pregnancy? Any hopes?

Maureen Iselin 

Yeah, that’s a good question. So early on, I think I started going down the rabbit hole of okay, when I get pregnant, probably going to want to move closer to family and am I gonna sell my house or rent my house and what you know, all these things that just kind of you start spiraling down, and I had to stop myself and be like, Maureen, you’re not pregnant yet. So let’s first like one step in front of the other. So I’ve kind of tried not to think too far in advance, because I think it does kind of tend to mess with you a little bit. But, you know, I’ve always wanted to experience pregnancy and like, you know, what it feels like. And I know, it’s not always a joy for some people, and some people love it. And, you know, I’m just kind of excited to find out what it’s like for me and what my experience might look like. I think that’s something that I am looking forward to.

Claire  22:25

What are some of the practical considerations you feel like you need to take into consideration given that you’ll be a single mom, like, what do you feel like you’re thinking about as opposed to a woman who has a partner?

Maureen Iselin

I mean, I think childcare is a big thing, especially as you know, I’ll be a single income earner. And so you know, I’m going to need to work, I don’t have the option of staying home with my child. And so finding childcare that is affordable is something that has definitely been in the back of my mind, I think that’s one benefit of moving closer to family is, you know, obviously, they would not provide 100% full time care, but they would at least be there as backup for when things fall through. And things happen and whatnot. I think also, you know, I’m lucky right now I’m in a company that’s pretty flexible in terms of my work schedule. And so I think that’s going to be important moving forward as well is making sure that, you know, at the end of the day, if I become a mom, that’s going to be my number one job. And so I need to make sure that I’m working in a supportive environment that understands that and recognizes that. I don’t have that other person that can go pick the kid up from school, or whatever it is, it’s on me. And so trying to process some of that and figure some of those things out is kind of been top of mind for me.

Claire 

Yeah. I mean, so many of us go through those things in different ways, though, too. You know, I mean, I counsel people who lose spouses and have to figure out all of those things, going through divorce and just having to figure out how to be a single income. I mean, somewhat, unless your former partner is a big earner, or whatever is happening with there’s just so many variables, you know, when I was training to become a therapist, I led a group for grandparents who were parenting because their adult children were not available to parents for whatever, many different reasons. And so I mean, there’s just so many ways that we bring children into the world that we raised them. And I think that it’s so important to start really breaking the taboos around this idea or the ideas that people have and just expanding it because I think you’re right that it’s a really hard place for a woman to be when that clock is ticking. And you’re like, wow, I’ve got to find a guy to date. How long are we going to date for how long before he proposes, how long after that until we get married? How long after that till I get pregnant? Can I get pregnant? It’s so much that ends up on a woman when you just want to be a mom and so being able to take that into your own hands is really a big deal.

Maureen Iselin  24:54

Yeah, it’s also opened my eyes to you know, we always hear about raising a tile that takes a village and I just I hope that our country is kind of moving in that direction a little bit more, because I think it’s more of an all-hands-on deck situation as opposed to kind of oh, well, you’re the one that had the child. And so you need to figure out how to take care of it. And it’s, I just, I’m really hoping to see a change in the way that, you know, our country could of looks at how we raise kids.

Claire 

What are your thoughts about future partners? And how this is gonna play into that?

Maureen Iselin 

Yeah, I mean, I think one thing is that, you know, if I have a child, it’s for a package deal. And so I think that will help to get rid of some of the people who are not necessarily serious about dating or serious about finding a partner. I think also, I’ve talked to my therapist about this a little bit now that she has a five-year-old, and she’s kind of back in the dating scene. She said, you make more kind of informed choices when it comes to dating, because you don’t have that biological clock that’s ticking that you feel like well, this guy’s all right, I guess I’ll go on a second date. Because, you know, I got to have a kid someday. Whereas, you know, it’s just a lot more clear. And so I’m hopeful, you know, I’m hopeful that a partner is part of my journey, and he can be a parent for my child. But I also, you know, don’t have don’t have that expectation of that has to be part of our story there, it might end up just being the two of us. And that, that works as well.

Claire  26:58

When I got divorced, and I kind of gotten to a place where I was ready to start dating again, I very quickly found and felt in my area where I was living that that all the men who didn’t have children, and this was LA, maybe I’m just talking about LA, but all the men who didn’t have children really had a different lifestyle, and they didn’t have a lot of understanding or respect for my world as a mom. So I like clicked all those boxes on my dating apps that said they had to have children. So I only dated guys with children, which brought a lot of understanding, but also a lot more baggage and baggage, but complications, you know, like my, my husband and I, now we have six kids between the two of us and two x’s and like so much stuff, yet we really understand each other and have so much respect for each other’s worlds as parents. So yeah, it’s a whole new realm out there for you. What advice do you have for a woman out there who’s contemplating this for herself right now?

Maureen Iselin 

I mean, the thing that helped me the most was really digging into there’s tons of great books out there, where women share their journey and what it’s been like. I’ve also been on a couple of different webinars around kind of single mom by choice, both through the nonprofit and through some other kind of fertility groups throughout the country. And I think the most helpful to me has been hearing from donor conceived kids. Mm hmm. And what their experience has been like, because I think I’ve been, I’m an empath, so I tend to always be thinking of others. And so I’ve been processing a lot of what is it like for them? And what kind of situation am I creating for my future child, and to hear directly from them that this is their normal, they don’t have any regrets, or resentments or feeling negative feelings about it was really reassuring to me that, you know, as long as I’m open and honest, from day one, about kind of what our story looks like, and how he or she came to be, you know, there’s no secrets and all that they can grow up and be completely well adjusted, happy, healthy, viable individuals. And you know, that I think that was that was the thing that really helped me the most.

Claire 

Yeah, I bet. I bet that would be really reassuring and important to look into. And what would you say would be like a first step for someone to kind of get into this to it, go to a webinar or read a book or join? What was the group that you mentioned, you’re part of?

Maureen Iselin

Single mothers by choice, I would at least go to their website to learn more and kind of start kind of poking around there. There’s some really great books out there. There’s one called choosing single motherhood, which is really about kind of when you’re in that thinking phase, and it helps to walk through all the different things to consider, such as finances and childcare and all the things that you don’t necessarily think about. But then there’s also some other more kind of light hearted books out there that talk about you know, an individual Woman’s Journey and kind of what it looks like. But I think just really getting clear. Clear on. Again, is this if you’re looking back on your life, are you going to regret not being a mom? Are you going to regret not having a partner to become a parent with like, what does that look like for you? Because I know I have friends who are in their late 30s and still single and they want to be moms. But they want a partner to be part of that. And that’s fine, too. And so getting really clear on what is it that you’re really looking for.

Claire  30:35

So as an update to this episode, I received an email from Maureen letting me know that she got a negative pregnancy test. And this current round of IUI did not take, she wrote, I’m going to take the next two to three months off to give my body, head and heart a bit of a break. Before going for my fourth IUI. I still have one vial of the same donor left. This is definitely not the update I was hoping to be sharing with you. But it’s the honest raw side of this journey. I’m so grateful to Maureen for being so open about her journey. It’s not an easy one. But she’s certainly not alone in her pursuit. With or without a partner. Fertility can be an incredibly emotional realm. I really think normalizing infertility and pregnancy loss is vital to expanding the evolution of reproductive rights. And by sharing her experience, I know that Maureen is helping countless other people as they find their way along similar paths. This week’s practice is about following your instincts to build the life you want, even when circumstances are not what you expected. Sometimes it feels easier to walk away from a dream rather than fight for it.

Claire

Sometimes we convince ourselves that we aren’t worthy of what we want, or we fear that achieving it will risk too much. How can we push through this doubt and fear, Maureen thought she was in a relationship that was headed for marriage. And even though things didn’t work out, she isn’t letting that get in the way of starting a family. So this week, start by getting specific about what you want. You can journal about it, you can daydream about it, you can talk to a friend or a therapist about it. But the key here is to let yourself think about what you want without putting parameters around it or a ceiling on it. Even if it seems like something impossible. You don’t have to figure out how you’re going to achieve this goal. But just acknowledge what it is in the first place. Get specific. Do you want a different job? Do you want to live somewhere else? What do you want in a partner? What do you want to feel like a year? Next, ask yourself what is standing in the way of getting what I want? What can I do about this in the short term? What are need long term to overcome that challenge? As you think about this, you’ll find some things feel more manageable than others. Start with the ones that feel exciting. Don’t dwell on the pieces that feel daunting. Keep coming back to these thoughts and check in about how your goals shift as you make progress towards what you want.

Claire  32:50

Maureen mentioned some great resources. First, singlemothersbychoice.org they’re open to anyone who might be thinking about starting a journey towards parenthood, or is already raising kids. She also recommended these books. Choosing Single Motherhood, the Thinking Woman’s Guide by Mickey Morissette, Panic and Joy by Emma Brock, Going Solo by Genevieve Roberts. Lastly, because Maureen came prepared, here’s some podcast to check out. Single Greatest Choice, The Stork and I and also Mocha SMC. As always, thanks for listening. And if you get a chance, send me a question through my new online forum at bit.ly/newdayask, it’s totally anonymous. You can literally ask me anything and you can find the link in the show notes. Or if you just want to tell me about one of your weekly practices, call and leave me a voicemail at 8334-LEMONADA, that’s 833-453-6662, or email me at newday@lemonadamedia.com

CREDITS

NEW DAY is a Lemonada Media Original. The show is produced by Jackie Danziger, Liliana Maria Percy Ruiz and Erianna Jiles. Kat Yore is our engineer. Music is by Hannis Brown. Executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer, Lily Cornell Silver and Claire Bidwell Smith. NEW DAY is produced in partnership with the Well Being Trust, The Jed Foundation and Education Development Center. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. Follow us at @LemonadaMedia across all social platforms, or find me at clairebidwellsmith.com. Join our Facebook group to connect with me and fellow NEW DAY listeners at facebook.com/groups/newdaypod. You can also get bonus content and behind the scenes material by subscribing to Lemonada Premium. You can subscribe right now on the Apple podcast app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. Thanks for listening. See you next week.