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Description

Waking up to the realization that you drunk-dialed someone the night before can be pretty embarrassing. But for Tara Schuster, it was life changing. The night of her 25th birthday, Tara drunk-dialed her therapist pleading for help. The next morning, she decided to find that help she begged for. Tara tells Claire how she realized she needed to re-parent herself, the techniques she initially scoffed at that proved most helpful for her, and what advice she has for people at the beginning of their own healing journey. Plus, she reveals to Claire what celebrity she uses as her stand-in for an ideal parent.

Resources from the show

• Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies by Tara Schuster
• The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Tara Schuster, Claire Bidwell-Smith

Claire Bidwell-Smith  00:00

BFFs and hosts of add to cart SuChin Pak and Kulap Vilaysack are here to decode what we’re buying and what we’re buying into. They’re hilarious, sassy and subversive takes on daily rituals such as exercise, attempts at averting aging, shopping and sleeping somehow still carries an emotional heft. Our hosts drift into conversation about body positivity. Being a first generation immigrant and examining the intricacies of interracial marriage Kulap and SuChin will make you laugh, cry and take a closer look at what you do and don’t add to cart. Add to Cart from Lemonada Media has new episodes each Tuesday and is available anywhere you find your podcasts

Claire Bidwell-Smith  00:49

Hi, I’m Claire Bidwell Smith. Welcome to New Day. My guest today started her healing journey the day after she drunked out her therapist on her 25th birthday. Yep, you heard me right. Thankfully, Tara Schuster’s in a better place now. And you’re in for an incredible conversation about how she got here. In fact, we hit it off so much that it made me kind of giddy. You know, when you just kind of immediately connect with someone that happened to me with Tara. We’d actually met each other not too long ago, and we were on a virtual panel together during COVID. I thought she was awesome. And I bought her book by yourself the fucking Lily’s right after. So then when we reconnected for this interview, it was just so much fun. As soon as she answered my first question about how she’s really doing, by talking about little me and big me, I knew the conversation was going to be good, and it really was. But Tara hasn’t always been this self-aware and in tune with her soul level self. Tara grew up kind of rudderless in a neglectful household without much parental attention. But she managed to leave that house go to college, and Landon amazing job at Comedy Central. The problem was despite her success, it’s not like all that childhood trauma had just disappeared. And for Tara, it all came to a head when she drunked out her therapist on her 25th birthday and talked about self-harm. My heart absolutely breaks for 25 year old Tara. I’ve been there, both as the therapist getting those calls. And as the person who feels no self-worth. It’s a scary place. But there’s so many ways to get out of that place. So how did Tara go from drunk dialing her therapist to talking about having self-compassion for her soul level self? Take a listen and find out.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  02:38

Hi, Tara, it’s nice to see you.

Tara Schuster  02:40

Hi, Claire. Good to see you, too.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  02:41

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Tara Schuster  02:44

Yeah, I’ve been listening to your podcast. And I was like, oh, just listen to one. You know, research and then I was like, I was like, this is my jam, like practical things, but also the philosophy behind it. I love it.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  03:01

Thank you so much. Well, I’m really excited to talk to you today. I start every episode of the show, as you must know, now, by asking my guests, how are you doing? But how are you really doing?

Tara Schuster  03:12

I am really mixed right now. There’s like little me feels super distracted. And like I have a million things to do. And there’s no way I can do all of them to the point where it’s a whirlwind. And I kind of don’t know, even where to start. But then big me soul level. Self is like, oh, sweetheart, these are not problems, these are opportunities. And why don’t we take a moment to do some grounding work. And actually, I realized instead of saying, oh, I’ll take care of myself, after I do my work. I need to flip it and say, no, I’m going to take care of myself now, the work can wait. And then I’ll be in a better place to do it. So a little bit of a back and forth.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  03:57

Oh my god, I think we could just end the interview now. You have so much wisdom in that answer. We’re done. We’re good. Did everybody hear that? That’s all we need to be doing is attending to little me with the soul level of compassion. Yeah, absolutely. Amazing. So okay, I have read your book, which is amazing. Buy yourself the fucking lilies. I have looked at your work. I know you’re doing so many incredible things in the mental health space and just helping people understand how to better take care of ourselves. But how did you get here? That’s a big question. But I like I love the backstory. You know, I come to my work from a personal place. And so many of us in this field do and I know you have a really good backstory because we don’t come out of the womb knowing how to take care of ourselves at all.  mean, tell us how you got here.

Tara Schuster  04:51

The fact that I can even have the self-awareness to realize there’s a little me and a soul level me is shocking, and there’s no reason that I should be in this place. You know, I didn’t come to the self-care world because I wanted to I did it to save my life. I grew up in a psychologically abusive, neglectful household where, you know, things came to die, like a family of deer died in the pool, that was one of my first memories. All the pets died, the plants died, you know, and it wasn’t like the house was under some mystery hex, it was just that level of neglectful. And so by the time I left that house, and actually, it’s only in after writing lilies that I really understand what an impact it had on me. I just felt gut level, I’m worthless, I am worth nothing. I am alone, and it’s never gonna get any better. And so the only thing I had was external validation. Because I had always been really good at school, because that’s where I could get an adult to pay attention to me. Yeah, you know, yeah. So grades going to the right college, everything about myself was contingent on somebody approving of me. And me having no sense of, you know, self-worth or approving of anything I did write. And so I, you know, got myself in to Comedy Central. I got a really good position, and I was just hustling, climbing the corporate ladder, but then I go home, and you know, I drink a bottle of wine. Or I’d find myself hysterically crying in the subway, you know, or like on your stoop. Yeah, anywhere I was melting down. Yeah. And, you know, it kind of came to a head when on my 25th birthday, I got blackout drunk. And when I woke up the next morning, I saw I had all these voicemails from my therapist, which, you know, that’s weird. Why is she calling me, why, why? And as I listened as I played it back, I realized she was trying to find me, because I had threatened to hurt myself. And she thought it was a really serious threat and wanted me to go to a hospital or go be with friends. And, and that’s the morning where I realized, nobody’s coming to save me. I have to save my own life. If I want to live, and I did that morning, I really did want to live.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  07:28

Wow, I have chills I have so much like, as a therapist, you know, I’ve been on that side of those phone calls. But just as a person too, I’ve been on that side of like, no self-worth not knowing why I’m here, just those drunken nights where you’re crying yourself to sleep, hoping somebody comes to save you and waking up in the morning and realizing, again, that it’s not going to happen.

Tara Schuster  07:54

And that was really, that was the turning point. And that’s how I got involved in this world. You know, wasn’t altruistic, it was just, I want to live. And I don’t see how else I’m going to live if I don’t.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  08:07

So what was the first thing you did?

Tara Schuster  08:09

So one of my best friends had been nagging me to start journaling, actually, she said, You have to read the artists way by Julia Cameron. And you need to do these morning pages. And I was like, lame, not doing that, the artists way. Are you kidding me? Morning pages? No, thanks. But I was at the point where I had no clue what to do. I didn’t have a mentor to go to. I didn’t have parents; I could talk to you for obvious reasons. So just because that had been the thing most frequently brought up to me. I just thought all right. Okay, I’ll try this. And pretty quickly, the act of narrating what was happening in my mind, that alone started to bring me peace and just give me more space.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  08:58

Yeah, yeah. I don’t think people realize how powerful it can be. I’m constantly recommending journaling to my clients. And I do get I get the eye rolls, I get the like, Oh, so that’s not gonna do anything or like, that sounds really arduous. Or I’m not a writer. But it’s amazing how much just putting your thoughts down on paper can give you some perspective, can give you some space.

Tara Schuster  09:20

Yeah, you know what I say when people eyeroll to me, is your life is much harder right now than it needs to be. You think journaling is hard? How you’re living is hard. Just go with me for one week. And if you hate it, you can scream at me and feel self-righteous. I don’t care I can take it. Just give me a week of experiencing it. And not and you don’t have to go over the top. You know, Julia Cameron recommends three pages a day, which is actually my practice. But even if you wrote one page or asked yourself, how do I really feel today, you know, to echo you like, anything would be better other than just blunting, ignoring, driving past how you actually are.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  10:04

Yeah, absolutely. What else did you do for yourself besides journaling?

Tara Schuster  10:10

They’re such, you know, obvious things. And they were basically, I did them to spite people. So, you know, I can remember one time in particular, I got invited to somebody’s, you know, lake house, which was not something that’s in like my family. And this impossibly beautiful ballerina Harvard graduate, you know, somebody I’ve, where I’m just like, Okay, you’re so you’re perfect. Nice.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  10:37

You got a different life than I did.

Tara Schuster  10:39

Yeah, exactly. She suggested I try a gratitude practice. And again, I was like, dude, I have nothing to be grateful for you, Lakeside Harvard girl, you’ve got everything to be grateful for. And if I were you, I’d probably feel the same way. But I’m calling my therapist threatening to hurt myself, you know? So I tried it, just because I’m a spiteful person, I think you know, I just, I wanted it. I wanted her to be wrong. So I tried it just so that I could self-righteously tell her she was wrong. And I was beyond gratitude. But it worked. You know, I started seeing, oh, there’s a much bigger picture here. And just the fact that I woke up again, today is enormous cause for gratitude.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  11:31

Yeah, that’s funny. That was one of my big turning points, too. And I always hesitate to talk about it, because I watched the secret when I was in my late 20s. And, and I know that that movie, and that concept, and all of that has a whole bunch of shit tied to it. But for me, I had been in a place of a lot of lack of self-worth a lot of just meaninglessness, purposelessness in my life, really not knowing what to do with myself too much drinking, and just generally feeling really lost. And sorry for myself. And when I started gratitude and kind of positive thinking, it was also like, yeah, right, this isn’t going to do anything. But I realized that I had spent so much of my life looking at what I didn’t have looking at the data looking at, like, all these things I thought everybody else had that I didn’t, and not looking at what I did have. And it really changed my perspective in a profound way.

Tara Schuster  12:26

Yeah. And it’s not that you’re denying one thing or the other. It’s that both are true. You know, I would have did I want to go through my childhood? No, but I did. It’s painful. I grieve it. And I’m really grateful for the strong bond I have with my sister as a result of it, of this path that I’m now on which I can’t imagine doing anything else in the world now. You know, both are true. It’s I often say like grief and gratitude. Those are, they go hand in hand.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  13:19

How did your life begin to change and like a visible way or like a way that you could tell you were going through some big change?

Tara Schuster  13:26

I think it was how many days I cried in a row. Because I know a good cry is always valuable. But I was anxiety, panic crying every day, you know. And so I would write in my journal, panic cried today, panic cried today that you know, and when I noticed, like, Oh, my God, I did not panic cried today. And I started to get a streak. That was when I was like, oh, something’s changing. And now, you know, I kept all those journals. So, 10 years later, I look at that first one with such self-compassion. I can’t even believe that’s where I started. I feel. And I when people describe to me how they felt worthless. I feel such flooding compassion, because I know exactly how that feels. And it is such a place of suffering.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  14:23

It really is. Yeah, well, that’s what’s amazing too, about journaling is that you get to reflect on like how far you’ve come. So, you’ve made and some of it’s annoying to read. And some of it’s embarrassing to read. And then some of it’s like these moments of real self-compassion, absolutely find when you didn’t have it before. Self-Compassion is like I can talk about it every day. I can tie everything into it. I am where you are so hard on ourselves. We just beat ourselves up.

Tara Schuster  14:48

Yeah, your episode was Kristin Neff who I also follow her and I love her and also I was starstruck as you talk to her.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  14:55

Yeah, I got really nervous.

Tara Schuster  14:57

Like, I want to know Kristin Neff. That idea of self-compassion, you know, I’m writing a new book. And that’s one of the core things that I think you need in order true self care, you need self-compassion, because you absolutely have to feel your own suffering, and be motivated from that place to change and help yourself.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  15:22

Yeah, we can’t start where we want to be, we have to start where we are. And starting is pretty ugly and pretty painful. And requires that just that finding self-compassion. But talk to me about re parenting, that was something I felt like I also had to do for myself there, there came a time around that same time where it was like yoga and meditation and the secret and all the stuff for me, where I realized that, you know, my mom died when I was 18. And when she died, I felt like the answer to not having a mom was not needing one. And then I, when I kind of hit my low points, I really realized that what I had needed to do all along was learn to mother myself. And that was when I went back to start to do that work. But it was really hard and really sad, in a lot of ways, but talk to me about re parenting and what that was like for you.

Tara Schuster  16:12

Yeah, and I completely relate to that, that you push it down, and you say, I don’t need this.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  16:18

Well, there’s a grief that comes right. Because when you acknowledge that you need to repair it yourself, that means that you weren’t parented in the first place. And the grief that comes there is really tough to acknowledge.

Tara Schuster  16:27

Absolutely. And, you know, in my case, I feel like I reprocess the grief, I feel like it, that’s just going to be a part of my life forever. And so it’s better to be okay with it than to kind of push it away. But for me, re parenting, I always kind of knew that the circumstance I was in was atypical, you know, I always had a sense. And then particularly when I went to college and started meeting new people and hearing about their families. And I, I felt very alienated. Like, I couldn’t talk to anybody about my family. And so I mostly lied, you know, things are great, I have a close relationship, you know, really didn’t get into it. And it was only after I kind of hit my rock bottom that I allowed myself to accept. I, in large part didn’t even have a childhood, you know, my innocence was stolen from me. I was never cared for. And it’s not to pity myself, it’s just to get real. That is what it is, you know, I don’t I don’t need to demean myself and say, Well, I don’t need to be taken care of. I can just say I wasn’t, and it doesn’t feel good. And so I would like to learn how to feel good. Now the questions are, how, and it’s, and that’s the process of re parenting, and then experimentation, and finding how, you know, one of the things I often think is my ideal parent, like, if Michelle Obama was my mom, what would I want her to do? Like right now? What would I want her to give me? And then I can give that to myself? Like, I really can.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  18:17

I love that. But it does require that kind of externalization I think you know, of picking a person like that in your head rather than yourself.  went back and did an exercise in my own head once. You know, my oldest is turning 13 tomorrow. So I’ve been a mom for a while. And there was a time a few years ago when I was just really thinking about how much I do for my kids and how much I look after them, and how much I guide them and nurture them. And I started thinking about my own mom and I replayed about 10 years of my life in my head. And I thought if my mom had been there, during these pivotal decisions, or times I moved in with some dude or like, decided to do something drastic, would she? What would she have done? And I realized that there were so many times when I didn’t stand up for myself, when I didn’t choose a nurturing space for myself, when I let myself get hurt. And if I’d had a mom there, she probably would have like a nurturing mom would have stepped in and been like, no, honey, you’re not gonna go move in with that guy, or whatever it was. And so I started to think about it like that for myself. Okay, what would my mom say now, you know, what would she do about this situation or this guidance and it really helped.

Tara Schuster  19:26

Yeah, that’s beautiful. I had anything to also look back and see, you know, then you kind of see like, Oh, I could have chosen differently. Because often I get in a doom spiral of like, this is the way the world is and I messed it all up. And then when you back up with Michelle Obama mom or whomever, you, you know, and she’s like, you know, in retrospect, yeah, we shouldn’t have moved in with that guy. But she’s not going to yell at you that you like, majorly screwed up. But now, you know, she’ll just say choose differently next time. And yeah, so I’ve become a lot less I’m also attached to choices, you know, and realizing that many, most of my choices are not permanent. You know, and because that’s something that I think a parent could have helped me with. Was not everything is dire. Not everything must be chosen now and has to be perfect. So I’ve really had to give myself that kind of parenting.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  20:27

How did this change your anxiety level? How did this impact anxiety? I’m super interested in anxiety? And I’m curious how all this work affected it for you?

Tara Schuster  20:37

Well, I’m very proud to say that I really have not experienced anxiety in the past six months. Which is crazy. I cannot explain how bananas that is, given where I came from.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  20:51

What’s going on in the world.

Tara Schuster  20:54

And I think it was everything all together. But one thing that really helped me was to start to think about what’s under the anxiety. So, you know, I went old school and my therapist suggested this, that I use an emotion wheel to ask myself, am I anxious? Or am I furious? At my ex-boyfriend? Am I anxious? Or am I furious at a world that won’t do anything about gun violence? And once I can identify that, the anxiety is this tinny, weird thing above it that just feels horrible. My fury, my grief, my, you know, my nervousness, all of those emotions feel so much better. And like true, they feel true, as opposed to this anxiety on the surface. But I think you know, getting under the anxiety, that’s something that any, anyone can do google emotion wheel.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  22:24

How has this work impacted your relationships, either with partners or in just like a social context? Or both? I imagine that before you were really doing some of this self-work, your relationships must have been struggling to a certain extent.

Tara Schuster  22:38

Yeah, they weren’t honest. Particularly, I don’t have relationship with my mom. And I do have relationship with my dad. And I would say, it wasn’t really real until the past six months. Yeah, even like, there was always some level of being superficial. Because there were just things we didn’t talk about things everybody knew, but that we weren’t allowed or never did speak of. And so there was just always this superficial nature, to our relationship. And I think actually, with writing this next book, it gave us a real chance to go deeper and get to know one another. So my relationship with my dad, and is much better than it was. And I think, but it really changed me, you know, because then I had to look at all my relationships. And so everybody a little bit different, I think, was partners. And it’s been really hard. Because I used to be known as an executive. And that’s a really easy thing to explain to someone is like, well, I’m an executive at Comedy Central, and they’re like, oh, that’s so cool. You know, but then what do you say on a first date? Oh, my job now is to explore my trauma in the hopes of helping others like and I wrote a memoir about my neglected abusive childhood, like, you know, and, and then your, it’s just, it’s like a very vulnerable place to begin. And so I actually stopped dating altogether almost a year ago. But more for the reason of, I just realized I had more work to do on myself. And that doing the same thing over and over again was not serving me.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  24:25

right. Yeah, I know, when I was less self-aware, I was playing out a bunch of shit and all my relationships, friendships, partnerships, like there was just like a lot of stuff I was playing out and it was a lot of my wounds and my hurts and my, you know, abandonment, and it would just get played out all the time. And when I began to become more integrated and settled with myself, all those relationships started running a lot smoother.

Tara Schuster  24:49

The integration that’s so key once your whole and everything’s working within you, then it’s like the perspective completely shifts. I agree there’s a lot more harmony and when there isn’t, I recognize it. You know, I’m like, oh, I just did that I was just really reactive. I wonder why, you know, and I get curious about it.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  25:13

But I bet this makes it hard for you to find like an awesome partner because like, either they’re not going to be doing the same kind of self-aware work you are, or they’re going to be like, some Instagram self-help guru dude. Like, issues.

Tara Schuster  25:28

I agree, you know, I’ve been looking at the filters on dating apps. And like, I’m like, I probably actually do have to go, like, I probably have to say upfront, like spiritual, on a journey, like, in order to find that person. Or maybe I was like, oh, maybe if I go to in person meditation things. So if you know anyone who is on a spiritual path, you know, send them my way.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  25:55

I think, you know, I think that it requires a lot of our own shifts. I was married and then I got divorced. And I was a single mom and I made my filters very narrow on my dating apps. You know, one for height reasons, I’m very tall woman but two, you know, it was like, I wanted them to be dads, I wanted them to be of a certain age, I put in master’s degree, which is kind of lofty just to like..

Tara Schuster  26:20

Although I feel you that’s, that’s like that’s my advice is like ivy league education. And then now I need to think like, oh my god that has given me so there’s been no return on that investment.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  26:34

to go Ivy League. But like someone who’s like curious and like learning and like working towards something. But then of course, I ended up meeting my husband, my now husband in person, you know, because I felt like once I had gotten to this place where I finally didn’t care anymore, wasn’t even looking anymore. And then he was right there.

Tara Schuster  26:51

So funny. That’s where I’m, I’m like, I think I’m just gonna delete this. Because I’m also not in a rush. I think I used to feel very desperate, because I was looking for my partner to save me. And I was very touched deprive you know, I think as a lot of people were as kids, you’re not hugged ever. And so I found myself making staying in things simply because I wanted to be hugged. You know, and now that I can really, I see all those things. The desperate little lonely girl in me has healed a lot. And so I really do think I was coming from a place of desperation. I can admit that for a long time.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  27:35

Yeah. And I think once you can find ways to fill that, and you’re not looking for it, and not like, desperately seeking out somebody to fix that for you. It becomes much easier to find the right person. I was probably going to knock at your door before our interview’s over. What’s been the response to the book? I feel like it’s been such a huge success. And tell me what that’s been like to put out. Were you scared to put it out?

Tara Schuster  27:59

Oh, yeah. Oh, I was terrified to put it out. You know, at the time, I was an executive and kind of, you know, you had to put on a certain kind of front some of the time. And my colleagues, some of them, you know, we’re like, what are you doing, you’re not going to be able to get another job. Everybody’s going to know everything about you. They’re going to know You’re depressing. They know you’re anxious. You know, which I was like, oh, cool, like. So we’re really saying that those are bad things and discriminating. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. And that nobody can understand these. Also, I work in comedy. I guarantee everybody understands what I’m talking about. But it did scare me, you know. And it’s it continued to scare me as the book did well, because then I started to think, oh, no, now I’m in, I have to go down this path. How am I ever going to go back to stability, they’re going to kick me out of stability. And now I’m going to be on weird wander, and I’m going to be poor and nothing’s going to work and everybody’s gonna hate me. And they’re gonna judge me, you know, on and on and on. And it took me I think it was my readers actually opening up to me in the, in the ways they have, I mean, laying their souls bare. You know, sometimes I’ll get a DM where I might be the first time somebody’s had the courage to just speak a lot, you know, say what happened, you know, and I’m like, what a privilege, it’s a huge privilege. And now, I can’t imagine why I would do anything else. Because it’s so fulfilling. It feels really good. And I get to continue to be curious about healing and trying new things. And I’m always experimenting with new therapies, new philosophies, new meditation teachers, like I’m always trying and that’s my job to see people to make people feel seen and then try stuff. I mean, you know, it’s really has turned into something like quite beautiful despite my initial fears.

Claire Bidwell-Smith 28:44

That’s amazing. Where do you see yourself like 10 years from now?

Tara Schuster  28:59

Oh, I’ve never, I haven’t really thought about that. I’m like a very small picture kind of person. Like, I just need to do these baby steps. Hopefully, it’s something I really like writing. So something where I get to write, and be in community, and I hope I’m really content with my life and the people in it. And hopefully, there’s a beautiful partnership. And hopefully I feel some measure of peace. That would be an ideal piece. And now I even understand why people say like, there’s only love, which was another thing he did. You know, you’d see it on a yoga wall, like love, like […] that, like, I don’t know if I’m allowed to curse, but I’d be like, I don’t like okay, I’ve really been holding back this whole time I should have asked. Yeah, yeah. Like you go to yoga studio. I’m like, why don’t you put love on a bottle of water? Like, what are we talking about here? And the more I’ve integrated myself, and the more self-awareness, the more I can touch into sometimes. Oh, that really is the magic special thing, you know, and it’s not always. But the more I touch it, the more I see, it’s possible, the more I see, oh, I hope the direction I’m heading in is one of love where I get to be my sole self, you know, and piece where I’m not fluctuating as much. That’s the 10 year plan.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  31:56

I love that. I think that sounds perfect. What do you wish you could go back and tell like your little girl herself?

Tara Schuster  32:03

Oh, I wish I you know, it’s not even words. I wish I could just hold her, you know, and, and not tell her everything’s gonna be okay. Just say I’m here with you. You know, if I could do anything for younger self, it would have been just to see her and make her feel seen. Because I think I never understand when people say, oh, everything’s for the best, or it’s going to be better. You don’t know that. Nobody knows that. But we can all say, I’m here with you. I see you. Tell me. Can you describe to me how you feel? You know?

Claire Bidwell-Smith  32:38

So that’s just validate her.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  32:45

Well, I’m so glad that you’ve become the person that you have, and that you’ve found this path and that you’re helping so many people. Before we end, let’s get back to the very beginning, if anyone’s listening right now, and just is like feeling discombobulated or not integrated, you know, what’s a quick way they can just feel like they’re tapping into their larger self who can help parent their, their smaller self?

Tara Schuster  33:09

Well, first off just the award from me. Everybody has gone through this, and you have agency and you have power. And when you feel that way, I think that’s the first thing to go is you know, you think that my life will always be like this, and I don’t have any power. And you do. You know, you might not be in touch with it right now. But it is there when you need it. And I think the first thing you could do, right? The second is hand over your heart. It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m sad that you feel the way you feel. Whatever kind of words you need to hear my go to is it’s okay, sweetheart. I think I stole from Tara Brach. I don’t know where she sold it. She’s incredible. But you know, the, the touch with the intention of it’s okay, that the kind of okay that a parent would say to you that that always helps me. Literally putting a hand on your chest. Right hand over your chest. And sometimes actually what I do as I put my right hand over my chest and kind of into my armpit, and then my left hand on my right shoulder, and it really feels like a hug. It’s very soothing. I mean, I’ve been on hikes where the whole time like getting over an ex. I’m just in this hug walk in like, you know, I definitely do it in public quite often.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  34:35

I love that. Oh, thank you for teaching us how to mother ourselves how to reparent ourselves a little bit today.

Tara Schuster  34:42

Thank you so much for having me. I love this podcast and I’m learning so much from it myself.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  34:53

I told you this conversation was good. Tara has clearly spent so much time learning about ways to heal herself and I love She’s sharing what she’s learned with the world. I’m still laughing thinking about Tara trying gratitude practices out of spite. You know, you never know what will work on your life’s journey. So whatever the reason is behind trying something I say do it. Before I go, our world needs more grief support than ever. If you’ve ever considered working in the field of grief and loss, I’d love for you to consider joining me for my grief certification training course. This program is designed to help deepen your understanding of grief and end of life work, and it’s open to students, counselors, therapists, nurses, and even yoga and art teachers. Anyone working in a professional setting, use code NewDay15 for 15% off registration, and visit my website ClaireBidwellSmith.com. To learn more. Thanks for listening to new day. Make sure you subscribe to the show, so you never miss an episode. Because we have three episodes every week. Send me a question to answer on the Monday and Wednesday episodes by emailing me at newday@lemonadamedia.org or by filling out the form at bit.ly/newdayask, you can find the link in the show notes. Okay, see you Monday. Have a great weekend.

Claire Bidwell-Smith  36:07

NEW DAY is a Lemonada Media Original. The show is produced by Kryssy Pease and Erianna Jiles. Kat Yore is our engineer. Music is by Hannis Brown. Our VP of weekly content is Steve Nelson. And our executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs, Jessica Cordova Kramer, and me, Claire Bidwell Smith. NEW DAY is produced in partnership with the Well Being Trust, The Jed Foundation and Education Development Center. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. Follow us at @LemonadaMedia across all social platforms, or find me at clairebidwellsmith.com. Join our Facebook group to connect with me and fellow NEW DAY listeners at facebook.com/groups/newdaypod. You can also get bonus content and behind the scenes material by subscribing to Lemonada Premium on Apple podcasts.  Thanks for listening. See you next week.